Hi,
I cannot get my husband to understand he can not drive anymore. He left yesterday and got lost, he did finally make his way home. I have talked to police, doctor and have basically gotten no where! Of course it is all my fault! Any suggestions please! I am desperate.
Thanks, Dot
It is easy to say, "take the keys or disable the car". It is not so easy to implement. My husband is mild mannered, but I believe he would have physically attacked me if I had done anything like that.
I suggest you enlist his doctor's help. Hubby's doctor explained that if he hurt someone in an accident and they subpoenaed his medical records, they would see he had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and they would take everything we had. ***So, it wasn't his ability to drive, but those lawyers taking advantage.***
You need to get rid of his car too. I was able to keep my car because he had never driven it. My girlfriend, whose husband was farther along than mine, sold their car, bought another one that looked nothing like the old one and had her key ring changed to something totally different. That solved her problem because he didn't recognize it as "their car".
Hugs 🤗
It worked with my Grandmother with dementia
I got him to agree to sell his car to an acquaintance shortly thereafter. Fortunately, the two times AFTER surrendering his license that he tried to hop into MY car & drive, he was unable to figure out a push-button start. Although he can still read to this day (six years later), the meaning of the words escaped him even then, so despite the screen saying to press on the brake pedal then push the button, he couldn’t figure it out. Found him sitting in the driver’s seat when I got home from being out with a friend who had driven me, saying he was “going to come looking for me”, all distressed because he’d forgotten I’d said I was going out.
Long story short . Her doctors told her she shouldn’t drive. They would not tell her she can not drive any longer.
DMV tested her. She failed the eye test Miserably. But in the end they gave her the license!! When I went into the DMV the next day to complain, the owner/manager told me “we are not here to fail anyone”!!!!!
Took her to driving evaluation test. He gave her step by step instructions. Instead of telling her, example, turn right on Edward Street, he told her where to turn and when. He passed her also!
I spoke to the PoliceDepartment.
They all told me until she had a serious accident, there was nothing they could do.
I had been in the car with her. She scared me to death. Couldn’t stay in her lane.
She ran Stop signs, red lights. Couldn’t remember how to get where she was going.
Mind you, she was 89 at the time and had been diagnosed with dementia.
We argued over this for years. And by the way, I moved in with her after my dad passed away. So she got to go everywhere she wanted to go.
I couldn’t disable her car as she still had the sense to call someone to come and fix it.
My last resort was take the keys. I just couldn’t live with myself if she would have killed a child, pregnant mother, mother or father of little ones at home. The guilt would have been too much.
It has been a tumultuous 6 years. Explaining, arguing, her crying, her telling others that I have ruined her life as she is now in prison in her own home.
But she is still alive and not responsible for taking anyone’s lives.
If your gut is telling you it’s time for him to stop driving, for his well being, and others, do what you have to do. It is hard. I wish you luck and peace with your decision .
With my mom, I tried a different strategy: SUPPORT. First, we just did our weekly grocery shopping together. Then, I'd drive her to the salon on rainy days. Eventually, she knew she would not be stranded without a way to get somewhere and she said, "I don't need to drive any more. You drive everywhere and it's nice!"
It is critical that a car is not taken away without a demonstrated way the person is not stranded or isolated. Key being "demonstrated."
Also, before mom stopped driving, I had a tracking app on her phone (like parents have for teens) to notify me when she left the house and where she was. It also gave me driving reports: how fast she was driving, any sudden stops, or if there is an accident. That app was a great peace of mind for me.
Trying to reason with dementia is impossible. People think they’re just fine, how dare you tell me I can’t drive.
Police, doctors and the DMV may or may not help. In my case with my dad I got nothing from any of these folks. Most of us will be on our own when it comes to ending the driving.
Id had a tracking device on dads car for a couple years. He still handled the car fine, no wrecks, scratches or dents but had no short term memory and began to wander and get lost. After mom was admitted to the hospital he was driving all over the place but couldn’t find the hospital.
I lived out of state, called some of the grandkids to go over and park behind his car and keep him occupied until I could get there.
Upon arriving I popped the hood and pulled the starter relay out of the fuse box. Very easy to do. Much simpler than removing the battery or pulling wires loose. Dad would try to start it and didn’t even get a click. I told him I’d called the dealer and they were coming to tow it. That night I drove it to a neighbors house and parked it out of sight.
I was there with dad for three days, moved mom from the hospital to assisted living while I tried to keep him out of trouble. He couldn’t remember anything about moms fall or where his car was. I had to repeat the stories about every 5 minutes. Told him the car dealer was waiting on a new computer for his car. He would accept this but forget 5 minutes later.
I eventually got dad into care with mom and sold the car.
Some people find it better to leave the car for awhile so the elder can see it. It was better for me to get rid of the car. Dad would go out to the garage and try to hook an old battery charger to the car. I was afraid he’d burn us down.
Looking back I wish I had ended dads driving sooner. We were just lucky nothing terrible happened. But like many folks I was accommodating his dementia. Afraid to make him mad, rather than face the facts.