In April I posted about my mother "ghosting" me from her nursing home. Nothing has changed. Still won't answer my calls, so I've stopped calling. Won't Zoom, heaven forbid. I have no idea whether she appreciates my gifts, cards, supplies and whatever, or would prefer that I just not bother.
Nurses and social worker report that she is navigating the new normal of Covid-sequestered life very well. They say she is happy and healthy. Doing fine. No apparent mental or physical decline. No dementia. No depression. No problems. That's all they say. Nobody knows why she is ghosting me and, from their viewpoint, it isn't their problem.
But, for me, it is a problem. My elderly mother has closed a door on me for no apparent reason (other than a long-standing personality disorder that may be getting more pronounced as she ages).
I had been her caregiver for over twenty years, now others have professionally assumed that role and that seems to be all she needs and wants. The silence just seems weird.
I find her ghosting behavior confusing and hurtful. Thoughts? Can anyone relate?
It's "moving on with your life". You are an adult.
When and if mother calls, respond to her ON YOUR TERMS. Set boundaries. Do what you WANT to, not what she TELLS you that you must do.
This dysfunctional is NOT of your manufacture. Stop begging to be allowed into the door of your own life.
You also made a great point, Barb, when you stated, "You are an adult." And it is the adult part of my brain that allows me to reason through and ponder the relationship mess I was raised and programmed into by an emotionally-challenged parent. My head is very adulty ...but my heart is still influenced by the little, insecure child that was me.
For some of us, boundaries were never an option, let alone a right. I'm working at it.
I'm not sure I can be as forthright as you suggested, though. In the past she would deny what I verbalized about her actions or inactions and then feign insult. But I can do "hope you're doing well" because I'm so danged glad she isn't one of those residents that bites or throws things!
As for possibly punishing me, I don't think so. She has simply "moved on." I think I've been dismissed. And I don't see a change on the horizon.
This is from one of your posts from a couple of weeks ago:
"I believe that my mother used The Stare as an emotional triggering "technique." It was intentional. It tapped into my earliest uncomfortable experiences of her passive-aggressive "silent treatment." Like a chess game, she silently tested me out as if she was studying my reaction and what it might reveal to her. After sixty-something years, it still had the power to unsettle, which I now think was her way of feeling in control of our relationship. Power. She never did it if she was in a good mood. To deal with it, I finally learned to physically remove myself, even briefly, to "break the spell." (ie-get a drink of water, take an imaginary phone call, etc.)
But, as others have suggested, maybe just bringing it to your mother's attention will show her that you notice it and wonder why she does it. If your relationship is convivial, you can even point it out when she does it. That might open the door to exploring other medical-type reasons, if she really isn't aware. But, if it appears to be deliberate, and if you are braver than I was, you can tell her to cut it OUT! ...pretty please with sugar on top.
You need to protect your emotional energies. They belong to you, not her. Best wishes!"
To quote you, your mother is a life=long practitioner of passive-aggressive techniques and appears to be using a long distance "silent treatment" right now. If she does later have contact with you, she will claim that you never got in touch with her, deny knowledge of all presents, phone calls and the like.
Why would you continue to subject yourself to this time of abuse?
I don't have an answer to your very basic, very reasonable question. Why would I participate in her games? What keeps me from turning my back, too? Why shouldn't I? How do I continue to love an unloving person? Why should I? All good questions with no good answers.
I came to the forum today with this situation because I feel such overwhelming sadness right now, knowing there is no fix to this problem. I do see it for what it is and I own it, but it still breaks my heart.
(By way of explanation) Here's what I'm trying to overcome: all my life if she employed "the silent treatment" it was MY responsibility to figure out why and then make every effort to appease her. The kicker was that she NEVER told me what she wanted from me, or why. I just had to keep on trying to guess what she wanted or what I could do for her ...because (ready for it?) "if I loved her, I'd just know." That type of abusive thinking became hard-wired.
That may be what she is trying to do with the Covid Cold Shoulder. (The only thing is, she may have taken this a bit toooooo far and I don't know that there is a place for us to return.)
So, thank you for reminding me that the faulty thinking lies with her, not me. However, it has produced a great deal of faulty thinking that I must now overcome.
I do think it sometimes takes a clarifying moment as you noted to really "get it." And then begin to see things a little clearer. But, for me -and likely for you- it all seems so incredibly unfair and unloving.
Here is an excerpt from your last question:
"I stepped away from that nonsense for a long time, only to be summoned back when she needed care in her declining years."
Please, I know this may sound harsh but in her mind maybe she doesn't feel she needs you or anyone because she now has other people at her beck and call. Your last post also said that you really never had that Mother/Daughter relationship and she pitted her children against each other. How is she with her other kids? Also in your other post you seemed to have resigned yourself to the fact she was not calling you. People with personality disorders either don't see or don't care to see how they hurt others. They have no empathy. I have a SIL that is so different with her friends than family. I didn't talk to her for 10yrs after an incident, 10yrs later asked us to go on a Cruise, invited another couple after the fact and we were the 3rd wheel. Now, 10 yrs later, she wants a family trip. Got out of that because we had a Cruise. Niece was heading up before the Virus and her Mom wanted to come. I have no idea why. I have no inkling to visit her (12 hrs away). Getting too old to worry about the reason why. I have tried, no more.
Sounds like you are dealing with a similar personality. I recommend moving forward and letting go. I wouldn't even send her anything. Lack of a thank you would cause the effort to stop. Especially since she doesn't have a good excuse like dementia and it is just her meanness that is causing her hatefulness.
Great big warm hug! You deserve so much better than she is giving you. Take your efforts and apply them to those that would be appreciative of them. Send a package to a soldier.
Perhaps, she is upset that you are no longer her caregiver.
That is how some people handle their hurt. By going ghost. Not wanting to confront it.
Why?