My stepdad is 80 and had a health scare last December. He was passed out for 2-3 days in his home in California and we found him through a well check by the police. During his hospitalization, he gave me durable POA. After that he has been in independent living since because I live in Canada.
The thing is, he is a major hoarder, which was a pre-existing mental disability. He has history of heart disease, and has mild cognitive impairment, among other health issues for which he takes a plethora of meds for. To those that have been around him for any length of time, it is apparent that it is slowly getting worse and may have ventured into dementia. Of course, he has good days and bad days. But to have him assessed properly, he has become a ninja at deflecting or covering up so that no one who meets him for a 20–30-minute time period would ever suspect a problem in his cognitive abilities. He deflects with his storytelling and charm, so everyone thinks he is this sweet, little old man.
The truth is, he has gotten used to having his own way his entire life and can become quite verbally abusive when he doesn't get it. This has gotten worse since his health crisis. Because of his health and cognition decline and the meds making him fall asleep at the drop of a hat, I arranged for him to lose his license. Prior to that, he sang my praises to everyone that would listen because I have taken care of everything for him (both his finances and health care decisions). Now, he tells me and everyone that he is giving me the boot and disowning me because he is perfectly fine and I am going against his wishes by telling people he doesn't have a valid driver's license, and yes, he is still driving and even went as far as buying another car when I had my brother take his car away. In his eyes, the driver's license in his wallet is good until 2025 because he still has possession of the same one, he had before the DMV revoked it. He also has a plethora of friends that come and take him places to accomplish his misdeeds. Both the DMV and the police have said there is nothing they can do until he is caught driving without a valid license.
Now, because of his abusive behavior and hoarding, he is being kicked out of the Independent Living facility he is in, and he has until Dec. 31 to get out. 2 days ago, he stated again that he would hire a financial advisor to take over his bills and kick me out of his life since I am still telling people about "his business". He is trying to get into another Independent Living facility that he has a friend in and yet again, they assessed that he is doing so well in the 30 minutes they talked to him, that he doesn't qualify for Memory Care. This was after I spoke to one of their marketing directors ahead of time and told them the truth of his being kicked out. He is now on the waiting list for Independent Living, which will almost certainly not have an opening before he must leave the other one.
My dilemma is both my husband and my brother think I should listen to him and walk out of life and let him clean up his own messes. My husband is completely done with him after listening to my stepdad verbally abuse me one too many times. We live in Canada, and we were actually planning to uproot ours and our 6-year old's life to move to California in the spring so I can do more for him but now, I don't know.
I struggle with knowing he's out there still driving, endangering himself and others and that he will probably get kicked out again due to his hoarding, refusal to clean himself up properly after an incontinence issue and eventually, verbal abuse when people try to tell him what he can and can't do.
If I try to hire a lawyer to gain custodianship, any good will we had left between us will be destroyed. Should I let him clean up his own messes or stick myself in further by suing him? I don't have anybody that can give good advice about this, and I am truly torn.
In the scheme of things, don't you think that your minor child and husband come waaaaay before any obligation you might have to your abusive, mentally ill step-father?
Why do you think having guardianship is going to make him more cooperative?
Let the state of California assume guardianship when he's declared incompetent. For now, leave him be.
What's better - letting him drive here and there when he's in no condition to drive and letting him kill or injure himself and possibly others? Or to make sure he doesn't get a chance to do that? You know the right answer.
As for moving to be closer to him so you can help, that would be a bad idea. You don't have the support of your husband. Stepdad has been abusive. And you want to take your child away from his presumably happy life to insert all of you into stepdad's home territory?
Please don't. This has the makings of a classic caregiving tragedy. We see them on here all the time.
Even if you did move, would he let you help? No.
Why do you feel so beholden to him? He doesn’t sound like he was a great guy to begin with. Evidently he was verbally abusive to you long before dementia kicked in. Even if he was your only father figure, or did nice things for you sometimes, those days are long gone. You’re now an enemy in his world. It’s heartbreaking but it’s not your fault.
It sounds like you may be mourning— or trying desperately to save— a bond that wasn’t there in the first place. The fact that you considered uprooting your family for him means you’re hoping to get a loving stepdad again before he dies. That you’ll be redeemed somehow. That maybe he didn’t mean to be abusive all those years ago, and will make amends. As painful as it is, you need to let go of that dream.
You say you have a dilemma. Nope. Your husband and kid come first. Full stop. If anything, the real dilemma is why you’re okay with stepdad treating you how he has.
"The truth is, he has gotten used to having his own way his entire life and can become quite verbally abusive when he doesn't get it"
This is why you don't get involved. He will get worse. Your husband and brother are right, back off. As said, the State of Cal can take guardianship over him. They will be able to get him placed and help a lot faster than u can.
In the States, custodianship is called guardianship. To get guardianship the person has to be declared incompetent to make their own decisions. Its also very expensive. You would have to be in California to do it.
Do not uproot yourself to take care of him. His hoarding disorder plus dementia will make him a nightmare to deal with. I would resign your PoA and report him to APS as a vulnerable adult. That's the best thing you can do in this situation. Trying to help him beyond this will impact your own wellbeing, your marriage, your child's life... no, not worth it -- even if you did have a good relationship with him in prior years. Now it's about getting him off the roads and having his care managed by an experienced neutral agency like the county where he resides. May you not suffer guilt and receive peace in your heart that this is the "least bad" option all around.
“My husband is completely done with him after listening to my stepdad verbally abuse me one too many times.” Good! Glad to hear that your husband values and supports you.
”We live in Canada and we were actually planning to uproot ours and our 6 year old's life to move to California in the spring so I can do more for him but now, I don't know.” Wait, what??!
Daramc, could there be something deeper in this for you than just feeling sorry for and wishing to help a declining elderly person? Could this actually be about your biological father or mother? Maybe a desperate last chance to finally have the parent-child relationship that wasn’t available to you as a child?
You’re fighting a losing battle here. Wave the white flag and surrender.
Stay where you are and enjoy your life. Please don’t uproot your family. You will be inviting trouble into your life if you choose to help him.
Wishing you all the best.
It is difficult work.
You are dealing with someone who is anything BUT cooperative.
My advice would be that to move and to try to manage an uncooperative person not judged incompetent in their own care, and causing disruptions in care to the extent they are being asked to leave, and who also has a bad mental history with hoarding to WAY TOO BIG AN ASK?
You are speaking of disrupting your entire family.
You are speaking of leaving your own home and your own COUNTRY.
And why?
To attempt to take on the care of a person not competent with likely personality disorder who is unmanageable.
To my mind that would be just about the worst decision making I can begin to imagine.
It's time to see an attorney to write a formal letter of resignation as POA. Do it while he is in care so that he becomes an unsafe discharge.
DO NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES accept him on discharge, or make yourself liable for his care.
You must make your own choice, but I cannot imagine on what planet ANY of this goes well.
Resign this duty.
If you are worried about his well being report him to APS and allow the state to take guardianship, placement responsibility. That would be my advice.
You would destabilize your child for him? Take your child away from his life and his friends?