Has anyone started hating your siblings, because they are never around to help?

I don't dislike my brothers who don't help. I understand why they don't, so usually don't feel much resentment. When I do, it is because of the position that I am in and not because of anything they haven't done. I won't press upon them if my mother's condition worsens (which it will). When I need more help, my mother has money and can either enter a facility or hire someone to come in. There is no need for everyone's lives to be upended.

I lost it with my mom tonight when she said she was going to ask my brother for help with her taxes. I have been estranged from him for over 10 years. He sees her maybe every 6 weeks and is NO help. I guess I'm just offering empathy, not answers, but yes it's okay to resent!

Hate my siblings because of decisions they've made regarding our mother? No.

Out of 7 kids, 4 of us (the daughters) share the load. I think it has brought us closer together. Two brothers are involved minimally because of health issues. The third brother is not involved because, as far as I can tell, he is a jerk. On the other hand I have no idea of the nature of his relationship with Mom or the state of his own mental health. I'm having a close relationship with my mother and my sisters. Poor guy. He is not.

I have exactly the same opportunities regarding Mother that all seven of us have. I can decide how much I want to be involved. So can they. Hating them for making different decision than I did would hurt me. Why would I do that?

mlanette0079, I think you would be better off psychologically and emotionally if you just consider yourself an only child (in this regard). OK, it is all up to you. You have to figure out a way to see that Mom gets good care while at the same time not shortchanging you own children or harming your family financially. You have already seen that fussing at your sibs is not getting that done, so you need more practical solutions. If you want to start a new thread with questions about practical solutions, I'm sure you will get a big response. Many people struggle with this.

You do need help. Accept that you are not getting it from your siblings. Whether you hate them or not is irrelevant to the solution.

I don't know if I can say "hate" my siblings, or not. But as they have for the past 40 yrs basically chosen to pursue their own lives, geographically and/or emotionally far removed from my mother, and myself, providing a pitiful amount or type of support that "families " need, in order to not just survive--but thrive, now that she is gone, I feel there is no future for this set of 5 siblings. But who moved? It was not me. My job may have kept me here, or not (spouse had multiple offers to relocate, we turned all down, for sake of my parents). Siblings all just couldn't wait to "get away" from home. So they did that, and never returned. I feel divorced from all of them, because they withdrew their affections, and other relationships were clearly much, much more important to nuture, than their family of origin. I was left to take care, increasingly, of both my parents. I enjoyed it, because all the everyday things I did for them, we're watched by my 3 kids, and you can't fool kids. The other grandkids were coached to send artwork or make phonecalls, and write thank you notes. Surely these actions were "noticed" by my mom. But there is no substitute for spur of the moment ice cream cones between grandma and grandchild. Just the same as there is no substitute for Being There, Every Day. Some kids think they can get away with every other Thanksgiving, or a 5 yr reunion, or sending a gift basket at the holidays. If that feels good to you, do it. However there are those of us who have slept many hours in a green vinyl chair listening to mom breathe raggedly for a couple weeks and also witness her last groans. Do I hate my siblings? No I think they are to be pitied. They missed Life, and Death. May they have courage as they face the rest of their lives, and their deaths, and beyond. No one can ever take away the love and sacrifices we make for our seniors.

Not nearly as much as I hated them for obstructive meddling and wrecking.

I am glad I read these.Makes me feel better, I am not alone. I am the youngest of 6 siblings, but no one cares for my mother. They want to be free and not shoulder any responsibility. Not even lip service. Yeah, we will do it for love and duty inspite of the highs and lows. We are fortunate. But I guess mom would be much happier to see each of her kids shower love and care on her.

I can understand resentment. My question for you to answer is how did it end up being you? Do they all live in the same town as you? If not, then of course that makes a difference. You should not be sacrificing your family for your mother. She would not want that. If she's not living in a facility then She should hire the help needed to give you respite. Your health matters too. If your sisters live there and are able to share the load then sit down and make out a rotation calendar and split up the weeks.
I have 3 sisters who live in different states and can not physically be here. But one is close enough to drive and help out as I need when a major situation occurs. She and I made a pact that we are a team. We've even given our team a name and have a mascot and that makes it more "fun". Get rid of the hate...do it for a higher purpose. BUT set boundaries and care for yourself.

Yes, i hate my mother's 2 sons. I asked for help once and that was the last anyone heard of them. They don't even call Her to say happy birthday, happy thanksgiving, merry Christmas, how are you ? NOTHING !! The last time they called was before I asked for help. And they were both closer to her than I.

There are 5 of us, I love all of them except for one. She is self absorbed, mean, all she cares about is mom and dads money. She refuses to help in anyway. I am starting to really hate her I DO NOT like this feeling. Talking to her about helping out is impossible.

Sounds like my mother's sons. Sorry

Resenting them isn't going to help you. Either they can't or won't or don't know how to help you and your mother. Yes it is frustrating, but hopefully they aren't getting in the way either. It is stressful to be in your position. Period. You do need a support team to help with your mother if you want to continue to be the go to person for herAsk your doctor, church, social services

This seems to happen with nearly every family who has a loved one that needs care. Both my friend and I have experienced this with our mothers. Both had Alzheimer's. And in both of our families we had siblings who just weren't around. It's very hard, and yes, I did become very bitter toward my brother. But not so much because he wasn't helping as that he made my mother question whether he really loved her or not. And that's what hurt. To see her go through that pain. I think it's perfectly natural to feel resentment and anger. Just don't let it affect your loving care of your mother. And at some point you will have to let it go. Because you just can't make people do what they're not gonna do. Much love to you.

I used to "hate" but found it changed nothing, and only harmed me and made me resent having to put my life on hold to care for Mom! Actually, I prefer their silence to their meddling ant critiquing everything I door don't do!!! Mom CHOSE to live with me....and I was at a place where I could take care of her.....yes it's a lonely road....and those who have siblings, family, that supports and gives breaks are VERY few and very, very fortunate.

My recommendation to you is, let go of what you cannot change (yes it's hard!) and focus on finding other ways to get a break...enroll her in a senior center (if she's physically able), some even have transportation available....they pick up a senior take them to facility for lunch and a couple fun activities and bring them back....this gives you a 2-3 hour break! Go to your local chapter of VSN (visiting nurse Assoc) and see what options are available to your situation that would give you a break, help, with your Mom's care! For a while I had a local high school student we knew from church who would come Granny-sit so I could go out to a movie or dinner....unfortunately Mom's health has deteriorated now so it's no longer an option....

Just have to think outside the box....this is a tough time...but it does have its rewards!! You will find you have more energy, the whole tone of your household will change if you let go of that/those you cannot change!! You are in my prayers! (((HUGS))) and God bless you for caring....!!!

No, I don't hate my siblings, but I do not like what happened with them. I was the main caretaker for Mom for several years. My brother has POA, and my sister.... well. Neither one of them helped much. I had to beg for more help from them. I have a very long thread on here about this.

Mom is midway through vascular dementia and is still living at home. She should be in a facility where she can be looked after and safe 24/7. They are, or were, both in denial to the severity of the situation. Because of their denial and my needing to care for my son, I finally had to shorten my days with her and ultimately step all the way back. Before my ultimatum (screaming for more help), my brother shut me out of Mom's care. She will not see me. It is all on him and my sister now. I actually called APS to prove the emotional neglect, but they only saw that she was not physically neglected. UGH!

I can only offer you hugs and tell you are definitely not alone. You can try to force the issue, but that rarely works. Hang in there.

I understand your issue. I know it from both sides actually. There are (or were) 3 of us, I am the middle child. My younger sister took care of my mother wonderfully for nearly 15 years. She never asked for help or complained. Because she never asked for help or complained....I stupidly thought she didn't need my help and I never offered it. I lived about 2 hours from her...I could have taken mother for even a weekend to give my sister a break....but it honestly never entered my mind to do so. I think that I was just so elated that I wasn't the one having to take care of her that I just put it out of my mind.....I know....self centered right? I showed up for major holidays, smiled, hugged, ate, went home. Then my sister had a pulmonary embolism and died unexpectedly. Mother came to me. I know what you mean about trying to work and care for your mother and then having your own family to care for. I worked for the first 5 years or so that I cared for her but I had to use my vacation days on her...not vacation time. My older brother on the other hand never picked up the phone for positive and/or productive reasons, never chipped in a dime, never offered to come get her and keep her for even a week. However, he would call her and ask to borrow money. He also called her whenever he got drunk and would curse her out about her shortcomings as a parent (which in all honesty were many).....this would upset her (of course) and I'd have to clean up that mess. When my brother died from cancer, I didn't go to his funeral. I didn't send flowers. I didn't feel guilty. You know the old saying about fair weather friends? It applies to relatives too. It stinks to think that you have a nice relationship with your siblings only to find out that when the chips are down, they aren't there. I know it does and I hate for anyone to go through that feeling. I do have guilt over never supporting my sister more. End of the day, you are doing what your heart tells you needs to be done. You are the good guy. Always remember that. The only good thing about being the only child left is that I don't have to worry about the inevitable fighting that would occur when my mother dies. It's always the ones who did nothing to help that are first in line to grab whatever is left when the parent dies. I highly highly recommend that you get a written will drawn up and legally executed. One that clearly names YOU as the sole executor of her estate. Otherwise, when she dies, your life will be in a state of mass upheaval.

mlanette0079
First of all, I feel for you and you have come to the right place for advice. We are sort of in the spot your siblings are. My husband moved across country for school and work and is not available to help his parents, who are leaning more and more on his only brother. His parents moved recently - not into senior housing (they are almost 80) but to a new house in a tiny town with NO senior services. So they expect his brother to drive a hour each way for every showfall so he can blow them out - and it has to be right away. They also depend on his wife for laundry and cleaning. Now, it is getting to the point that they don't want to drive in winter and expect their son and daughter in law to drive them to doctor appointments, grocery, bookstore, coffeeshop - etc - ON THEIR SCHEDULE, never mind that the two work full time.
so yes - my brother and sister in law are very angry with us who live across country because we are not helping.

We've suggested that MIL and FIL hire someone local to do the snow blowing and yard work, hire Merry Maids to clean and do laundry, and look into social services for things like driving help. (my mom lives in a tiny rural town and can use a car service for $2 a trip - set up by the county social services). My inlaws refuse because they do not want to PAY someone or have someone strange come into their home. And my brother in sister in law cannot say "no - you need to find local help" so they blame us for not helping. AND they all are mad at us for not coming out every vacation to help - how dare we take our son for a week at the lake instead of coming out to do their work!!!!

My point is - why are you giving up your job and your life? Mom should pay you for gas. Mom should be looking at services that do much of what you are doing. Help ONLY with those things where ONLY you can help. Just because she expects you to do them, does not mean you have to.

Just another view point and probably not a very popular one :(

Actually this is an interesting question for me the one that doesn't help. My plan for the new year is to suck it up and go spend time with my mom. I do call her twice a week but I have to pray before I do and be on a walk while I talk to her ( to deal with the anxiety) yes she is difficult. One of my sisters has taken on the responsibility ( out of being guilted) of calling our mother everyday and checking on her. She also goes and stays one weekend a month. This sister shared with me she hates her life and has to start her day off doused in negetivity each morning. She doesn't even want to live anymore if this is all her life consists of. I'm going to suck it up and participate . Dealing with our mom is very frustrating. She's ( mother) very healthy just very negetive.

Caretakers need a break. I truly feel for you.

There is a funny word call "respite care" which essentially means "services provided by a health care agency that permit a primary caregiver temporary relief from caring for an ill individual". Respite care is needed both for your health and the health of your family.

I would recommend speaking with your local ADRC (Aging and Disability Resource Center) for their professional guidance. Not having relief is my chief concern but also not being paid/recognized as the primary caregiver is another concern.
Our agency here in Wisconsin sends out a RN for a full assessment - the assessment, the on-site visit is completely free and confidential. We need obviously to have the person who needs the care present with our nurse but we prefer to also have the primary caregiver at the same time.

I have a brother who lives several hundred miles away. He has a family and owns his own business. I moved back from overseas to care for my Mum after Dad died 3 years ago. I never married and have no kids. It just didn't happen for me. I expected to be the one to carry the burden and I am. I can't work either, but am trying to do some freelance at home. Do I resent the fact that I gave him 'an out' by moving back? Sure. But I can't waste energy being resentful. I'm way too busy and I get alot of satisfaction from helping Mum. Unfortunately, there's one is every family who bears the brunt, and it's usually the female child,sibling.
Of course, I have none of the issues as yet that some of you do. Bless your socks, I hope I have half the strength and courage you all do as time passes and Mum gets worse.

I too have resentment towards my two brothers. The oldest brother lives 30 minutes away and has virtually been MIA from the family for years. The middle son is close with our Mom as am I location and support wise. I am the youngest and also the only daughter. I had been taking care of both of our parents who were divorced for years. Taking them to doctor appointments and becoming POA for both of them. I have my own life threatening illness. I asked the middle son for help years ago and he said we could call our parents a cab to take them to the doctor. They needed family with them to go to help understand and relay information to their doctors so I went with them. In Jan 2013 my Mom had a stroke. In March 2013 my Dad had a stroke, heart attack and had pneumonia. My oldest brother would come to the hospital once during hospital stays. My other brother would be there to visit parents often but I did all of the rest. My dad passed away after a year in nursing home care and my Mom went into nursing home care four months after his death. My brothers response when I initially asked for help was they couldnt help with anything because they had jobs. I was self employed but do to my health issues was unable to continue working. Mom, Dad and I helped each other and my parents helped me financially while taking care of them. I am glad my brothers were not involved in much many times because it would have just turned into a bigger nightmare. I am thankful I was able to be with our Dad the last year of his life because he was a nice person when he had always been difficult to deal with. I am still dealing with my Mom and her Vascular Dementia. The nursing home is suing me for a past due amount and I am not happy with the Management of the nursing home. It is all about the money for them . She is still in that nursing home until February 2016 due to Medicaid restrictions until then. In the state of Ohio children can be held financially responsible for their elderly parents care. I notified my brothers that since I have no assets the Nursing Home could go after them. That got both of my brothers attention. It was OK for me to lose everything caring for our parents but now that it may hit their pocket book they are livid. I turned it over to God to protect my Mother and to help me with my feelings towards my brothers. Prayers to all of you and I DO understand your struggles.

Kimber166 I went through 6 months of therapy to be ok with exactly what you are sa

Oh yes, that love/hate relationship... What gets me is when both of my brothers can't be 'human' to their only sister... No empathy either... BTW... Not one of them called my mother on Thanksgiving!... My mother even went as far as calling my youngest brother (married with no children) and leaving a message... Almost begging him to call her back)...Twice ... (they purposefully don't answer their phone... Or... Return his mother's phone calls... This happens over and over again... Sickening (literally)... And, mean towards their mother ... (I don't even care about how they treat me now)... Hate is a toxic would and remedy... Getting no where fast...

Saying has to happen. I felt tremendous guilt about not doing more. Part of it was acknowledging that my rel

You are not alone by any means. I think it is a club, not a fun club but it is definitely out there. it is very hard and frustrating when you have to do everything yourself.
Sorry I can't offer much advice because I am in the exact same boat. I have to drive 100 miles to help my mom who won't move closer to me and I have 2 siblings that live 5 minutes from her. One won't help at all the other only when I say something. Try delegating if at all possible, it might help a little. Take care.

All I can say is good luck with all of it. In our family, the situation is that Dad's in a nursing home and Mom's at home. Sounds simple in a sentence, right? Well, it tore the family up for a year WITH people trying to help out in whatever way they were capable of. Believe me, there was blame, denial, accusations, old feelings about "roles" we "should" play dredged out of the mud and flung about, causing resentment... from everyone, including the parents.
What I learned is, you do what you can, you try to mend fences, and do the practical thing of getting help WHEREVER you can.

Mlanette0079, this post really touched a nerve with me, so I felt I had to respond. I would answer an affirmative "yes" to your question: Have I started to hate my siblings. I am still surprised to say I feel this way, and I have been challenged over the past few years to deal with this. I have never been this angry at anyone for this long in all my life. As others have said, this resentment only hurts me (my brother, his wife, and their 4 grown children are clueless), and yet I cannot seem to shake it or rationalize it away.
I have taken both our parents (it is only me and my younger--by 18 months--brother) in to my home to care for them. Each had stage 4 cancers. For the 1-1/2 years before my mom died, my brother and his family barely acknowledged their illness. My SIL showed up for chemo appointments, but that was largely due to the fact that she worked at the hospital where my mom was treated. I, on the other hand, took off work to attend ALL doctor, chemo, PT visits, all pharmacy and insurance work, all daily living work etc. I am single, divorced and I was new at my now-current job at the time. Thank God I work for an amazing company who understands and values the contributions caregiving brings! At any rate, when mom was put in hospice before she died, not only did my sibling and SIL NOT help in the least, they hired a lawyer to come into MY home and re-draft all of my parents' legal paperwork: their wills, their healthcare POAs and their durable POAs! They even added THEIR names to the beneficiary deed for the condo I lived in and paid the mortgage on for the previous 9 years! In addition to that, the new will accused me of not repaying a family loan (it was repaid) and the POAs were changed to allow them to access my parents' bank accounts without their knowledge or consent! Yes-my mom and my dad did sign those documents, but at the time, my mom was on morphine and did not really know what she was doing, and my dad just signed what was put in front of him in hopes that they would just go away so he could get back to caring for his wife!

In the end, we had to hire another lawyer to get everything straightened out, but even though my mom had passed by then, my brother and his family (of 6, mind you) never called, visited, texted, tweeted, instant message, sent a card or visited my dad, whose own conditioned worsened with his pancreatic cancer. My brother's family never once came to a doctor appointment, inquired about a test result, offered to help or responded when I asked, and asked, and asked for help. Again, thank Goodness for my wonderful employer, or I would be out of a job by now!
My dad and mom had a beautiful house on a resort lake not very far from where we live, and over the past 3 years, my brother and his family have taken many vacations for weeks at a time--inviting their friends, using my dad's boats and all the amenities, never once asking if it was ok. My dad was not one to "rock the boat" so to speak and his unconfrontational style gave my brother tacit approval to just help himself. Over the years, however, I had to listen while my dad complained about him and I could do nothing.

He has recently passed, and it breaks my heart to know that my dad was aware that his son did not care or even respect my dad enough to be there for him.

Now, my brother and I are se to inherit the lake house and some cash, as well as a car and two boats--one being a houseboat. I am locked in hell for the foreseeable future until this is all resolved. I have, however, engaged the services of a lawyer right away, so as to curtail any of the shenanigans that they perpetuated while my dad was alive.
Sorry to be so winded about my experience! It just goes to show you that this happens in every family, and it usually is the ones you would never think! I try to manage by reminding myself that I have the memories, I have the inner peace that comes from knowing I did my best and it was so very appreciated by my parents (as well as all the other family and friends who saw what was happening), and I can move forward with absolutely no guilt. I have even tried to forgive myself for not wanting anything to do with my brother or his family aside from what has to be done to liquidate my dad's estate. I did speak with my brother, letting him know that what they have done has not gone unnoticed by dad and by me, and that they have hurt me very deeply, so he knows that unless there is an acknowledgement and an apology, then we are done. That is all I can do, and just move on. As I struggle with this, I guess the only thing I can say is to try to spend every bit of your energy in caring for your parents. Focus exclusively on that, and not on your own hurts. Try to find a way to value this exclusion: for me, it helped to have no one challenging my decisions or interfering in the process, especially when they would not do things the way I would or as timely, and just try to find a way forward in forgiveness. I am trying to remind myself that they are just clueless and naive-- they shouldn't be hated for being stupid, just pitied. In the end, we are only responsible for our own actions, and for that, I am very proud that I was able to help my parents when it was so very critical, as they have helped me over the years. Good luck to you!

I can't say I "hate them" themselves, but I hate their actions, or lack thereof. Once I learned to expect that they will never change their ways and they will never do anything I want them to do for the good of their mother or me, I feel some what better about them. Don't get me wrong though.....I feel like I've been abandoned by them and I feel like both Mom and I are being ignored by them sometimes, but once I dropped my expectations of them, I do feel better towards them.

We care givers must stick together and support each other out. I am so grateful for this website, a place where I don't feel so alone in this world.

I don't hate my sister. I think she's pathetic and she's missing out. I also think that when my mother dies, she will have the greatest sorrow, maybe then realizing what she forfeited. I, on the other hand, will always have the comfort of knowing that in love, I did the right thing.

I hate one of my brothers, he stole my father's POA and the Trust...and stopped coming over a year ago!! My mother is bedridden now and I need that POA to sign for my mother and father when needed. I have another brother that lives in the 4 bedroom house with my parents...and he does nothing but twice a week changes my mother's diapers and feeds her! No help cleaning the house or outside grounds, or plumbing, fixing things or anything. He is a hoarder, a gambler and a dirty pig!!! Will NEVER see either of them when my parents die!

Hate is a strong word. All the hate in the world won't change anything.