The husband will not take his wife who has Alzheimer Disease out of the house for anything. A relative had to speak up and suggest letting her get her hair done. The response was, "I'll ask her if she wants to and get a hair dresser to come to the home.' The wheelchair wheels do not lock and the left arm rest is damaged. The reply to that was "It was a loaner from the doctor's office. She cannot walk so we have to push her from point A to point B in the home." Pictures of family have been removed from sight. There is not a visible calendar to be found. The windows in the living room are to high to see out of. The only window in the dining/kitchen area is French Doors to the back porch. Curtains in the bedroom are kept closed. There are no windows in the bathrooms. Scatter rugs are picked up by the care provider who is neither licensed nor works for an agency but is a private individual. The husband puts the rugs back down. The wife has been known to slip on the scatter rug in front of her toilet. She is a fall risk, too weak to walk without assistance...from being over medicated. The wife has also said she does not want to be in a wheelchaiar. On a visit by her sister she wore a t-shirt her sister gave to her as a present. She asked for makeup so she would look nice for her sister's visit. Her cell phone has been hidden away and she is not allowed to use. Her care provider is not allowed to make calls for her. Family is not notified of changes and was not notified of the illness for several months. She was supposedly hospitalized in a psyche hospital for hitting her hands yet her hands show no signs of abuse but her face, wrists and breasts do. Several months prior she had bruises on her breasts and her back. Pictures were taken this year but none last year however APS claims they cannot investigate last year's events only current. Current: hair dresser comes on Saturdays but that only started two Saturdays ago. She supposedly can walk now but the person from APS claims she cannot. The husband says she can now. The psche meds were stopped but when the husband refuses to say. The wife appeared to be over sedated because she kept drifting off to sleep in the daytime. The husband claims he gives her only her blood pressure medicine and fluid pill. He was witnessed givng her a fist full of meds at bedtime. He leaves for work before she gets up. The care provider didn't even know where the meds were and is not licensed to give them. The conclusion is he is giving her morning meds at bedtime. You do not give fluid pills at bedtime. She takes two bloodpressure meds, one contains Diazide and she takes a Diazide pill extra. These are not bedtime meds. You get one story from APS and a partially different one from the husband. A supposedly anoymous report turns into a not anyomous report because the person from APS tells the husband what the person told her. He calls and fuses at the person who made the call and says you are the only one who has complained about what the person from APS spoke about. The person from APS states "You cannot override the husband. You cannot get more doctors to examine her." The person who did the reporting never asked for those things. It is understood that social deprivation/isolation is a form of abuse. It is understood that if the wheelchair was indeed a loaner from the doctors office that the doctor and the husband would be liable should the wife be injured as a result of the defective wheelchair. The only way family can make contact is to call the husband's cell phone. There is no homeline. The family is not kept informed and is not part of her circle of care. The family does not know who the doctors are nor what medicines she is on. This diagnosis was done in the spring of 2011. The wife is in her early sixties. The wife called family members numerous times in 2011 asking for help, stating she hated her husband, wanted to live with her sister, and he beat me. Those messages have been saved but they were last year and are of no use this month or last month. She toild her doctor she and her husband were having marital problems and that made the husband angry. She asked someone to verfiy his employment and the husband found out about it and told the party involved to "Get out of my business." He worked overtime 5 days a week and worked on weekends and stopped going to church. She was alone too much which frightened her. Now that she is supposedly worse he takes off work early to get groceries and is with her on weekends which is the only times she has gotten hurt and had to have stitches on her face and got a broken nose. She has not been injured during the times the care provider is with her. How do you handle that?
Carol
Is this the same home she lived in before she had dementia? I assume that the windows in the living room have always been high, that there has never been a window in the bathroom, etc. Has the house ever had a calendar? Could the curtains in the bedroom be opened by the paid caregiver or by your sister if she wanted them open? Does she spend much time in the bedroom? (Some days I leave the curtains pulled in the bedroom and I only realize it when I don't have to close them before going to bed.) These things just don't seem like issues to me.
But the bruises, ah, that does seem like an issue. How did her nose get broken? Why did she need stitches? It sounds like you suspect your brother-in-law of abuse. That is the heart of the matter, in my view. If abuse is going on, I urge you to keep on your mission to rescue her, to see that changes are made.
I don't know how you'll get to the bottom of the injury issue. The first year my husband had dementia he constantly looked like an abuse victim. He fell easily and often. He became uncoordinated and banged his arms into door frames. He was also paranoid and accused me and other people of stealing from him, etc. Fortunately he never claimed someone was beating him or hurting him, but that is common with dementia. So if your sister says, "My husband hit me," is it true or is it dementia talking? That you might have a recording of her claiming that she is abused is not really evidence that she is abused, considering her disease.
My heart goes out to you. How awful to hear your sister begging for help. You are doing the right thing by looking into the matter. You must feel powerless and frustrated. Hugs to you!
Can you visit your sister often, both when your brother-in-law is home and when he isn't? Can you help her apply makeup and take her to lunch? Can you help compensate for some of his caregiving failures?
I think Jeannegibbs gave some good input. What is important is that the woman is not being abused and that her medications are given at the appropriate times, etc.
There is ample time for a visit, when husband is gone at work or in the evening when he is home. I'm not discounting your suggestion that their impressions may be misleading, but sometimes people just need to have some peace.
Maybe the sister can suggest giving the husband a break and taking care of her for a while to see for herself how her sister responds in a different environment. If they can work together that would be a positive outcome.
Good luck
Sarah,
The next morning my husband said the Lord told h m he needed to talk to my brother in law. He needed to listen to me because I can help. My brother and his wife can help too. We are both retired nurses. So I told him what number to dial on my cell phone since his phone would show up anoymous. My brother in law had asked if my number shows up anoymous. I told him he has my number. Anyway....
My brother in law said he gets off early on Fridays. (Interesting that before he always worked late and worked weekends too, never any time to spend with family and always and excuse if we wanted to go over and when we invited them over.) Anyway.....he was to call and it was after 4 so my husband called him again. He returned the call, said my sister had a hard day...trying to get out of it. My husband said my sister could stay in bed, he wanted to talk to him. So he said to come over which we did.
My sister answered the door. She was walking better than the day before.
My brother in law said my sister was having some agression in the mornings again. Well this was evening. After saying that my sister started grabbing my thumbs and squeezing them so tight I had to grab her hands to keep her from hurting me. When she hugged me this time she pinched me. She pinched my husband too but did not do it until my brother in law mentioned it. Interesting.
My husband had my brother in law meet him in another room. They talked about the meds mostly.
After a bit my sister said, "I want to go to the dining room." Remember this is the person who the welfare/APS services said could not talk, walk or do anything. I helped her up off the couch which sits low, too low even for me. She walked to the dining room and was about to sit down when she saw her husband and mine in the kitchen. Then she went in there.
My brother in law asked me are these the medicines you took pictures of and i said yes. He said the ones in the back she doesn't take anymore. She only takes the ones in the case. I asked him when did she get her blood pressure and fluid meds and he said in the mornings. I asked who gives them to her if he gave them before he went to work and before she got up. He just said she gets them in the mornings. He refused to answer. I asked him when was the last CatScan done and he said, " I don't have to answer that question."
He is contradicting. He said the welfare lady didn't do anything because she could not get in the house since he was not home. Now he says she called him and said she checked 125 things she was allowed to check but one thing, this house was built on love. He said my sister was walking better, talking better, eating good but still losing weight. She is on two fluid pills. I saw him give her a fist full of meds the night I spent the night. I was not going to argue with him again. If she does not take the psych meds and the other meds in the cabinet why doesn't' he dispose of them?
My husband and I do not believe everything this brother in law told us. He said my sister said to never put her in a home. He said no matter how much longer she lives whether a year or 5 years or longer he will never put her in a home. I told him thank you. (I will believe that when I see it.)
What I forgot to ask was what are his plans if he should precede her in death. That is not a impossibility.
I wrote my brother to make sure he calls well enough in advance for his visit. However, my brother said he will give two days notice so our brother in law will not have a lot of time for excuses like he has always had in the past.
During the initial confrontation with my brother in law I told him about my sister's calls long before she was ever "diagnosed": She asked me to check on his employment. He called me a liar. Okay...I still have some of her calls on my voice mail. I still have the emails regarding his employment research. However, I cannot show that to him because I have to keep the people anonymous.
My husband said he forgot to tell him about what my neurologist said. An MRI should be done to rule out a brain tumor or anything else going on in the brain. Our grandfather had a brain tumor. There is no history of AZ in our family. There is history of heart attacks and cancer. I'm tired. There is more but you get the drift. Our hands are tied.
To me, it sounds like a dangerous situation. Mommag gave some good answers
Your topic heading says she has Alzheimer's but I gather from your posts that you do not believe she has it. Whether you think she was misdiagnosed or you think her husband is lying about it is not clear. Your evidence for feeling this way is not conclusive. She recognizes you and kisses you on the lips. In some forms of dementia the patient never loses the ability to recognize loved ones, and even in forms where that is common it often does not occur until later stages. Many, many cases of dementia occur without a trace of it on either side of the family for many generations. Dementia is often not revealed in a cat scan. The fact that she likes to wear certain shirts or that she wants to have her hair done doesn't say anything about whether she has dementia. Many people with dementia, especially early stage, could recognize their sister signging on a recording. It is possible that she doesn't have dementia, but your evidence would not convince a social worker or a court, I'm afraid, especially since you have no access to her medical records.
She has been injured. That is certainly consistent with dementia. It is also consistent with abuse. So, which is it? Was there any sign of abuse before she became ill? When she was taken to the hospital after "beating herself up" was there any investigation into to cause of the bruises? It would seem like that would be a normal police activity under the circumstances. The bruises and injuries always happen when her husband is home. How do you know that? He seems very secretive so I don't suppose you know what is happening when in that household. She was suspicious of him before she became sick. If she is demented (or even if she isn't), might she want to get him in trouble now?
When you are visiting her, when she stayed with you, when you stayed overnight, can she tell you the names of her doctors? Could she sign Hippa waiver forms giving permission for her doctors to speak to you? I think you would gain a lot of understanding by talking to her medical team. What exactly is her diagnosis? What doctors' names where on the pill bottles you've seen?
Please don't take any of this as criticism or lack of belief in your version of the situation. I just want to point out that if you intend to try for outside intervention you need to be aware of how your statements might be viewed by outsiders who are sworn to be objective.
And I think you should try for some outside intervention. As others have suggested in this thread, bring in a social worker, or Adult Protection to investigate. In order to make a persuasive case why they should, try to sort out your most urgent concerns, and the reasons (evidence) you have those concerns. For example, explaining your suspicions of her burises seems to me a high priority. Mentioning that the windows in her bedroom are high does not. Saying you have been told she has dementia but you are not sure if that is true is appropriate, but going on at length about why you doubt that she does may not win you any points. That she might not be getting her pills correctly is a concern worth investigating, but I'm not sure what an agency would do with the complaint that she was not getting her hair done regularly.
You are distressed by many, many things in your sister's life. To be most effective in advocating for her I suggest you focus on the major concerns that would also be viewed as concerns by outside agencies. Don't give up on all the other "little" quality of life issues, but work on those on your own. Bring the Big Guns in for the Big Issues.
I sincerely wish you luck in improving your sister's situation.
My point....she was not as she is now until the husband told the doctors about her. She was zonked out on meds most of the time I was with her. She was not prior. She was only on Aricept which my husband is and he does not have AZ. I am on Namenda and I do not have AZ.
I am a retired NURSE.
My sister asked to wear a t-shirt I bought her 1 1/2 years ago. She asked...she said she wanted to look nice for her sister.
Our family pictures have been removed. His family pictures are in sight.
The rugs are taken up because she and I both are fall risks. He puts them back down. The wheels on the wheelchair do NOT lock. He has not gotten rid of it or replaced it. Sorry, I believe there has been a major game of mind manipulation. She may very well have AZ but I do not believe it is all AZ and neither does my brother or my sister in law who also is a retired NURSE.