Spouse and I have opposite views on helping our elderly moms. Any suggestions?

As you help your mother prepare for independence, make sure all of your mother's paperwork is in order. She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters (I'm assuming you will be her POA), a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will if she has assets (a house, etc.). If she is on fixed income, consult with a local social worker who may be able to recommend pro bono attorneys or other resources to help with this. You need an attorney who specializes in elder law. Her POA needs to be on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on her behalf. You can do this with a phone call to them, with her sitting next to you. Banks and other financial institutions also often have their own POA forms. It's good for people living alone to have a MedicAlert type neckace or bracelet in case they need emergency assistance and can't get to a phone. My husband's sister had it, and it worked well for her. They will call people on the phone list if there is an emergency. With my mother, we got a second credit card on her account with my name on it so that I could purchase things for her. She also made me joint owner of her accounts, which made things a lot easier. I set up online accounts for her everywhere I could and autopay. When she had early dementia and wasn't able to write checks properly, I took over all of her finances and had her bills sent to me. I hope your husband gets more understanding that parents sometimes need more help than they did in the past. But it's also important to give first priority to your family most of time. It will also happen with his parents.

OP’s first immediate reply post is below. She hasn’t been back for a week, and I think she has already worked out what to do. Not much point in banging on ourselves.

OP July 15: “Thanks all for the responses, I appreciate them all! My kids are 2 and 4 with my mom being 64. She is capable to handle herself, but I think she might be in the learning phase of what outside sources might be available. I like the overall consensus to find out what type of sources are available for use, like AAA and roadside type. It would make sense to take a little time now to sit down with her and help her set up something now vs. waiting until it is something needed now and us being away. This has been a very helpful forum to get an extra perspective. Thanks again”

Your husband sounds like he is jealous of your relationship with your mother and he expresses himself as an uncaring and hostile opponent. Would suggest you and he meet with a Geriatric Psychiatrist for better insights into the family dynamics you have. It must hurt to have someone you love being so harsh on you and your mother.

I’m terribly sorry for your recent loss and the disappointment you are feeling about your spouse. I have been there.

Stand firm and help your mom. In the examples provided, your husband was being unkind and selfish. If you are strong with him on this issue that seems very (reasonably) important to you, your husband will learn to accept your actions and could even respect you more in the long run. If you instead just follow his orders when they make you feel compromised, it won’t help your marriage anyway.

Not to mention, if you cave in and leave your mom alone when she is in need following the emotional crisis of losing her spouse, you could be someday haunted by your inaction. What would that be teaching your kids?

Your mom really needs you right now. Be there for her and help her through the difficult transition of becoming a widow. If the situation was reversed she would be there for you too.

Your husband is going about this the wrong way. In the time he spent complaining, he could have helped. That might have elevated your pride and love for him, and then you would have wanted to give him a hero’s attention. You might feel like bragging about him. You would be feeling grateful for your choice of marrying him and regarding him lovingly. Instead you are feeling reasonably disappointed and probably want space.

I don’t recommend marital counseling as some people on this forum suggest. The last thing you need right now, after suffering a grievous loss, is a stranger picking marital fights and pressuring you to cave in when you are already doing the right thing and you do not need to compromise your beliefs. Marital counseling in this scenario is a time drain, a financial drain, an emotional drain and more time away from both your kids and your mother. (It will not help your marriage, either, for you to sit in close quarters and hear your husband making excuses for not helping and whining and griping about why you aren’t doing this and that and more for him at a time when he should be helping you heal.). Again, been there. I came out of these sessions very frustrated with my marriage, out $250 per session, and absolutely dreading the next meeting the following week. (The only one who benefitted was the therapist who probably ended up with a pretty nice vacation, while we blew our vacation budget uncomfortably arguing in front of a bizarre stranger, who must have repeated 1000 times, “How does that make you feel?” My answer to her: “like I am completely wasting our money here and getting nowhere!”

By helping your mom you are setting a great living example for your kids. Your kids are also learning to stand up for themselves and do the right thing.

I provided care for my parents and my kids learned to be fantastic help. It was a wonderful experience in learning to work hard, problem solve, kindness and compassion. My kids developed even more loving relationships with my parents and that was priceless. You are also teaching them how you would preferred to be cared for someday.

I hope your husband seizes the opportunity to be your Superman.

Forgive your Dad for dying. Even if he made bad health choices along the way that contributed to his passing, he really could not prevent dying and he surely did not want to leave you. It is natural to feel hurt and deserted when a loved one dies. (I believe even those who commit suicide couldn’t help it— they just couldn’t overcome their emotional pain enough to continue).

I understand how you feel. In fact, I could have written this very question myself.

Thinking of you.

Maybe you should see a marriage counselor. This does sound like it could be a real problem and seems like he is being sort of selfish. Your mom sounds like she isn’t asking for that much help. Widows should be able to expect a little help now and then. Might be good to work it out before it blows up into a mess.

You won't have your mom forever. How will you feel after she passes, and you didn't respond to her phone call? Or told her do it yourself, your family is gone, according to your husband.
What if she fell down, and you didn't hear from her. Because you were supposed to be focused on your family. Can you live with that?

What if you were excited to see your grandkids, and your adult child told you, don't bother to come over. The kids don't need a grandma. They have us. Does that sound reasonable? They are going to pick up on all of this.

Anonymous4444: I am so sorry for the death of your father in February and send deepest condolences. Allow your mother time for the grieving process and then reassess.

What is it you are asking or concerned about?
It sounds like you are torn between helping your mom and managing / dealing with your husband's reactions - and that you feel your husband is being unreasonable.
* I would encourage you to decide how you want to support / help your mother and then TELL your husband what you are doing / going to do.
* From my point of view, your husband has an agenda - I am not sure if it is jealousy, prior issues between the two of you (and this is the straw / camel's back), or / and why he is so frustrated / angry at what you are doing.
* If it was my husband, I'd listen to him: ask what he wants / needs from you and then tell him WHAT you are doing / going to do in terms of assisting your mother.
You certainly do not need his permission to help her out.
Do you feel you are setting unrealistic boundaries with your mom? Losing a husband is so difficult. Perhaps your mom needs grief counseling - and you, too (this was your dad?)
* What I wouldn't do is listen to your husband 'complaint' and put you down or negatively communicate with you. I would tell this "how you are communicating with me is unacceptable." He seems to feel / believe he can do this.
* See if he has underlying needs / issues that have nothing or little to do with the time you are spending supporting your mother. Of course, I am not married and would have a very short fuse if a husband talked to me like this. He needs to learn what compassion is and provide this support to YOU. This is not an easy time for you, either. Gena.

Oh, you've already hit the warning barrier to the roadblock ahead! You do need to have a conversation with him to clear the air asap. From what you've said, mom hasn't asked for that much. She has gone through great change in her life by losing husband (even if he was too ill to handle certain things for her). From my own perspective, I'm not going to be lectured to by a spouse. He may offer suggestions, as in how about we look into getting some roadside assistance set up for your mom, but I don't see me taking a browbeating. It's as simple as someone can hinder you, lecture/hassle you to curb your activities - which is the same as trying to control you. Or they can help you by offering suggestions when a crisis comes up.

Would he tell his own parents to figure it out on their own? Or would he take mom a key and then sign her up for some vehicle assistance? Or, maybe he would ask you to handle that assignment... If he wouldn't even help his own parent or family member without being annoyed, I would take a wild guess here that you may have seen this behavior coming.

Now it comes down to will you iron out compromise with him or walk away from your mom like he sort of wants you to do? Like Judge Judy says there's a 50% chance you won't have this spouse in 10 years, but your mom is your mom for ever. Keep in mind your decisions about what you do or don't do for mom will also influence your children later on in regard to you and the hubs. He might want to chew on that thought a while. Best of luck as you sort this out. I think you may even have to consider a counselor (if he'll go) to find out if there is something more going on here: doesn't like your family, control issues, looking for excuses to create divide in marriage.

It appears your husband feels your loyalty is divided between him and the family you created together and your mother. Since he feels slighted by the the recent increase in time spent helping your mother, I would suggest you need a series of conversations with your husband about current situation as well as future plans. Since your spouse seems a little touchy, I would suggest asking him to counselling with you weekly for a month or 2 to thrash out these issues and get back to being a team. The counsellor can help you both to focus on the issues and express your emotions in healthy ways. He or she will also have good ideas on ways to deal with the issues/emotions you are both dealing with,

You didn't state how old your mother, your husband, you or children are. Your spouse's behavior is being taken in by your children who will be eventually your caregivers. Are your spouse parents still living? did he have a good family relationship? All these things issues are coming through loud and clear through his objections. As someone noted in the comments, this is a time when you honor your parents when they are going through difficulty times regardless of the source.
Also, you stated "He was in very bad shape, but we didn't realize he would give up the way he did" -- this is an odd statement unless it's a roundabout way of saying due to his health issues he committed suicide.
You and your mom need grief counseling and a plan of action to assist her to become independent.
Your spouse needs counseling also to deal with his anger and abandonment issues.

I was so thankful when my husband finally realized that we are to honor our parents when they are old. He used to be really possessive, but he lost both of his parents in a car accident and it seems it really changed his outlook.
Would your husband be willing to help pay for someone to go in and help your mom when needed?
What your husband will end up realizing, is that when they are older like that, they become very helpless. I had a hard time viewing my father that way until he began literally falling apart. A few questions: Are his parents living? He may find himself in the same boat if they are. Do you have siblings?
It's a hard realization but he needs to meet you halfway and the two of you come to an agreement you can both live with. He may not realize that he is causing you more grief by making you choose. Would he be willing to read some of these replies from others going through similar circumstances?

Yep, you are going to have problems with your husband down the road. To me, it is a power struggle going on between you and your husband. He went out of his way to scold her about the car....geez....right after her husband died. Just get her to pay for roadside assistance to avoid future car problems. There was no need to go into the long lecture!

You are right to think something will happen down the road and it has nothing to do with your Mom....it is your relationship. Good luck on this one.

My sister has a similar husband ....

see earlier post.

I believe you both need marriage counseling to help you work out how to proceed as these issues will become more issues, not less. You need to be a force working TOGETHER to support one another, not one in which your fear of his opinions directs how you proceed with what you think best.
As you are speaking about parental care being yours and husbands only issues I think this could be quickly handled in the offices of a licensed social worker in private practice counseling. They are great at life transitions work.
This doesn't mean that after all is said and done in that office you will always agree. You won't. But the one who has the elder is the "decider" as they say; they feel they are the most responsible for the outcome, and they ARE the most responsible. Therefore they make their own decisions.
You and your husband have likely survived other disagreements that come in other time frames in any marriage. The attitude is that this is but one more, and you can work on it together instead of the endless circular arguments of who is right.
Get help and I wish you the very best. Don't look for the "ideal answer". They never exist, and you can get lost in the jungles of searching for them.

For crying out loud. He lectures you? You're between a rock and hard place and your husband is putting you there with his selfishness.

My Faith tells me not to withhold good - or help - from others when it's in my power to act, (Proverbs 3:27 & Galatians 6:10) so it's clear to me that your husband is in the wrong here.

What do you do? Well, there's most likely nothing you can do to change his heart toward helping your mother. So I'd just leave him out of him from now on. I don't know why you can't take your children along and let them spend time with their grandmother while you model care and kindness.

(I'm not saying to let your mother run over you or take advantage unnecessarily.)

You might want to spend some time considering what the future may hold if and when you mother's needs increase.

You have to understand that this sort of scenario is very hard on a spouse and you both need to have some upfront communication to set expectations and boundaries and agree on what works for you both. Your spouse is correct--your immediate family, him and the kids, come first. But that doesn't mean you have to leave your mom to fend for herself. She's your mom and it's a vulnerable time for her. But simple things like roadside assistance, for example, could make a big difference--especially if it's something your spouse feels will help free up some time. When you have kids, caring for an aging parent is very challenging. I know from experience. And it can very quickly lead to you and your spouse getting spread too thin and having feelings of resentment towards each other. It can even break apart a marriage. So before that happens, you and your spouse have to discuss it and even seek counseling if needed to find a solution that works for both of you. We all love our parents, and helping her out may not seem like a big deal to you, but when it takes time away from day-to-day life that is already stretched very thin--and takes away from time with your own immediate family, it can lead to spouses struggling with the challenges. And even making small changes can mean a lot to your spouse.

Also, how old is your mother? It's very reasonable to allow her to be more independent if she's capable of it. Keep in mind that as she does get older, she will likely become more dependent on you as her health declines, so it would be good to cherish this time with your husband and kids now while she still can be independent. Once health declines, it can be like having a part-time job. I don't mean to make caring for a parent seem like work--but it is. I have an 80-year-old mother-in-law who had a stroke and I also have a 6-month-old son. Trying to care for her and raise a new baby is extremely hard. We love her very much. But it can put a real strain on a marriage if you're not careful.

What iameli said!…

I’ll try to be as objective as I can. You and your husband are in the most stressful years of life, just with having toddlers and (two?) jobs. Your mother is at an age where most people are still extremely competent at the functions of daily life. Usually 64-year-olds are still helping their kids out not the other way around. I suppose this is where your husband is coming from.

You only mention the one example of helping mom with the car lockout turning into the better part of a day dealing with her car issues. If this is but one example of many, he definitely has a point.

I am 63 years old myself. Women of my generation are generally not helplessly dependent on someone else to function in the world. My mother, age 84, is pretty self sufficient herself. My MIL was not. She pretty much called my husband (expecting action) with everything large and small that was a problem or made her uncomfortable. So I’ve lived both sides and I can tell you which is less stressful!

It is great that you obviously love your mom and want to help. I also think she deserves some grace to deal with the loss of her husband. If she truly was sheltered in her married life to the extent that she doesn’t know how to deal with ordinary situations, then yes, you probably will need to help her educate herself. What I would do is start by acknowledging to my husband his very valid points: 1. My first priority is our own family and 2. Mom needs to become more self sufficient. Ask for his help and ideas how we can make that happen. Be a team instead of lining up on opposite sides. The commenters criticizing him for not being sympathetic to her loss will make you feel good but it won’t help the situation.

Since I have a duplicate key , I would lend assistance to anyone especially family. The other issues with the car are more confusing to me. Did you have the time, what else did you plan for that day? I do think that he has a point of helping her become more independent. At her age there is still a lot of living to do. I see his "lecture" as an over-reaction to the situation and living too rigidly for me. I would insist on more flexibility in the relationship. My wife would help her mother but would send me.

Your husband is a huge jerk. I guess he cut off his parents because he comes first? So you have to pick him over your mother? Wow. Why is he so jealous? He sounds extremely insecure. Sounds like you have a grown narcissistic baby for a husband and not a mature man. Was he upset he might have missed a meal bc your mom needed help and it took sev hours? Was he a single child where everyone doted on him? So he's not used to sharing the spotlight, even if it is a problem?

Why is he so cold towards another human being who IS family? Why does he get to pick who is family and who isn't?
You are gonna have to get some *****. Why are you letting him talk to you like that? You better learn how to communitate fast.
If it were me I'd tell him exactly what is going to happen. That he can shut it, because that is your mother and your family. Not some stranger. And to bad he doesn't like it. Next time don't involve him.
Go there yourself and stop discussing it with him. I bet he would claim family if your mom passed and an estate involved.
When he asks, its none of his business.
It sounds like you have doted on him so much, he can't stand to see you help anyone else. So what if he starts in on you. Too bad for him. Tell him go male a sandwich. Walk away. Let him sulk. Stop letting him wear you down. An9ther person does not have that right to do that. Get a backbone. That's not how adults handle situations. He doesn't get to control you or what happens in life. That is really cold that he thinks your mom has to fend for herself, because it inconveniences him.
I'd tell him if he needs help or gets infermed you might abandon him. After all you have children to care for. And stop catering to him bc I think you might have helped create this man baby problem.
My husb went to help his mom fix something. She lives in assisted living. He spent the entire day there. He told me he was going to go see her. I said OK. I didn't say they have paid maint staff to fix things, so she doesn't need you to do it. Or its a ruse to get him to go see her. Which knowing her, it was. So what. I didn't even ask what he fixed. Nothing. I said did you have a nice visit? I didnt say you better pick me over her. That is his mother! You need to step up and be the adult and tell him you are not abandoning your mom. Keep some extra meals in the deep freeze. He can learn to dethaw and feed the kids. Too bad. Stop letting him brow beat you.

Sounds like a compromise is needed to help you focus more on your husband and children. Your mom needs to start building a life apart from your constant help. Your health will be compromised over the stress and anxiety this situation brings.

Can you set some boundaries with mom and limit the time spent with her to please your husband? Cut back on the hours and days spent there. Encourage socializing with her friends.

Hire some part time help for mom to fill in for you.

Do as much online to save you running to her home more. For my mom and husband's aunt all the shopping is done online & delivered. All bills and insurance info go to my sister's email. The banking & bill pay is done online. They both have visiting physicians that come to their homes. Labs and xrays are done at home. They both have caregivers, one has PT and the other has FT. Every little step helps immensely.

Not sure of your mom's age or health and all that needs to be shared so correct advise can be given. From your post she seems to be in pretty good health if she is mobile and still driving.

Maybe your husband is being protective of you. I suspect he may feel your mother is capable of being more independent and doesn’t want you to be trapped into enabling her.

sorry that your husband not supportive with your mom … I would be clear with him that you feel differently and continue to help when you can . He too will be old one day . I’m sure you can be there for both your mom and your family .. and get extra help when you need

some carmakers have roadside assistance and it comes with the car. Insurance companies have it also for a minimal fee. Everyone who drives a car should have it. It has come in very handy many times for me.

I say do what you can but yes your own family comes first in my opinion. My own mum is very needy and there is an 'unspoken' msg that her daughters should be looking after her (and my dad) as they age. I do what I can and am happy with that...I have learnt to put my emotional health first...before anyones actually. I say yes and no freely, I am doing me...some like it some dont and I'm ok with that. Good luck :)

I suggest that you BOTH need to give in a little. Elderly parents should never expect that one child (almost always a daughter) takes it all on. You can only do so muchAND your marriage is now
your principal relationship. Husband should be there for you as well, which might mean pitching in a bit.
But husband & kids come first AS DOES YOUR HEALTH & wellbeing. It’s a balancing act for most of us: give Mom love & support, but never lose sight of which relationship you must put first.

I'd set up an uber account on her phone in case she needs a pickup or something so she can catch a ride from uber and you don't have to drive across town to provide the ride.

Does she know her neighbors? Have you met her neighbors?

Many times neighbors are happy to help with the small things.

Did your Dad maintain everything?

Your husband is correct. IF you have a 2 and 4 year old you really need to focus on your family.

I'm 62 years old. Everyone that I know that is from 62-67 is working at paid jobs in my circle.

If money is tight can Mom get a job?

Churches have free grief support groups where Mom can meet new friends.

Can you get Mom grief counseling? Sometimes it is available at no charge.

If money is tight for Mom the emphasis should be on getting her working. She will meet new friends at work and become more self sufficient.

AA membership is $50. I'd get her a membership and tell her how to use it.

Thanks all for the insight, I must clarify though; I see/talk to my mom about once a week. I feel like that is not a lot to be doing to help her out. Maybe it is a lot?
She is not helpless, but I feel like she just doesnt know. I am hoping to be able to have the short help for her and her learn from it. "Like the teach to fish comment" ( I like).
And sorry, hopefully nothing comes to everyone as me being sensitive or offensive. I have a hard time communicating as it is and writing isnt much easier.