Son needs advice on how to toilet, shower and change clothing for bedridden Mom. Any suggestions?

Very few people like doing this. It stinks, is disgusting and embarrassing. It is relatively recent that men were even prepared to do it for their new-born babies. No women like doing this for their mother or for their father. Forget about the ‘private parts’ stuff. Unless you are a virgin yourself, you already know all about them, just like most women know all about men’s paraphanalia.

A shower chair or toilet set raiser with a hole in the bottom should let your mother wash her own privates discretely. That is what happened in my MIL’s nursing home. A shower hose attached to the shower outlet should let you wash away feces without too much contact from you.

There are many many men who have collected their courage and risen to the occasion of doing what needs to be done. If it helps, peg on the nose, very dark glasses as well.

Have courage, this is the ‘new frontier’.

Clemente, do you really want to do this? Besides the hygiene and modesty issues, living with and taking care of a bedridden person is very hard. It’s physically hard and emotionally draining, even for a kind, good parent (such as my paralyzed father, who I take care of with my sister).

What is the backstory here, if you don’t mind elaborating?

I have to prepare myself for the possibility of taking care of this aspect of Mom's care at home. I pray it won't come to this, but I have to know in advance if there is a way out if I am to become Mom's sole caregiver. That's why I am hoping that a bidet that can do the things I listed may be a way out of this seriously challenging issue. Or some other answer.

While a bidet is a useful tool for those who are continent it won't work to clean up messes from incontinence because they aren't going to be quite so neatly contained to one area, if you've ever cleaned a baby's diaper you will understand what I mean. As caregivers we find ourselves doing things we never would have dreamed possible, I guarantee you that no daughter ever felt prepared to do those intimate tasks either.

In my opinion there is no way to clean up your mother with your eyes averted, you have to actually see what you are doing so that you can be sure everything is adequately cleaned and there are no sores or rashes developing from moisture or chafing.

I'm not really sure how you hope to accomplish showers if she is truly bedridden, aside from how you are going to be able to physically get her to the bathroom and into a shower often people at that stage aren't able to hold themselves upright on a bench or stool, and her ability to wash herself will be very limited. You might consider hiring someone to help with this task once or twice a week.

As for tech - there are special lifts, shower chairs, wheelchairs that can help with daily life, but none of them are cheap. Many (most) homes are not designed to accommodate the disabled so modifications might be necessary there too - wider doors and hallways and an all one level roll in bathroom that is large enough for her wheelchair and/or a wheeled shower chair. I think your best bet there would be to work with an OT/PT who can come to the home and guide you.

I have to ask, if mom is bedridden, isn't it going to be extremely difficult to get her to sit on the toilet with a bidet arrangement, especially if her "private parts" need to be cleaned multiple times per day? Even if it's possible to get her to the toilet/bidet so often, the poor lady is going to get exhausted having to get up and down so much just to get cleaned, when it could easily be done in bed (for urine at least). For showering I second the idea of using a shower chair or commode chair with the bucket removed. However, commode chairs aren't really designed to go in the shower so would need a non-stick mat underneath the feet.

I’m not sure why your family would be choosing to bring her home now if she has already been settled in a nursing home, presumably because she is bedridden, since Jan but I certainly understand there are likely good reasons. I would however urge you to consider both the pluses and minuses of doing this, there is really no way one person even a trained health care worker, can do this alone full time for any extended time as well as the team of professionals she has in a NH setting. That said there is a difference between what being around “family” and professionals offer and the pluses and minuses of each are a hard choice to make.

You also mention that “our family” is hoping to bring her home which sounds like there are other family members involved and part of that decision, are they part of the solution and care team if you bring her home? There are many parts of caregiving that are a new level of intimate for a child caring for a parent, a son doing for his mom and if those jobs could be spread out between family members as well as perhaps some in home professional, unrelated care help, maybe someone that comes in a few times a week to shower her, change the bed and give everyone a care break. I use some examples here but it all depends on the patients needs so there are many variations here some that insurance may cover even or depending on the state maybe a program designed to allow LTC patients to be cared for at home and her doctor or the facility should be able to order an evaluation that will include a social worker or nurse coordinator who can give you ideas about how to provide what is needed to provide the best possible care for everyone.

If you are choosing to bring her home for yourselves as well as her happiness, kudos to you I totally understand the drive, just make sure you remain open to the possibility that in the end moving her might not be the best thing for her or you. If your mom is aware of things having you clean her up, cleaning up after her it’s going to be as hard on her, maybe even harder, as it is on you and for some the loss of dignity, if you will or the facade of control over those things is just too much and good professional “strangers” often have the skill and removed standing to make that at least tolerable for our loved one’s. Try to keep that in mind as you make this decision too. Again each situation is different and I can’t tell you what is best for you, your family and your mom I can only urge you to weigh it all out as you face these tough decisions and tell you my heart goes out to you.

I do not believe that one person can care for a bedridden patient 24 hours a day.

Do you work? Do you hope to retire someday?

We are happy to listen to the complicated backstory that is leading your family to consider taking mother out of the NH.

I think that there are other solutions to bringing her home.

If your mom is bedridden, how will you get her to the toilet, carry her? My husband who was completely bedridden for the last 22 months of his life, in our home, was also under hospice care. Since your mom is bedridden she may qualify for hospice. I would certainly look into that. They will come a couple times a week to give her a bed bath. I had to hire an aide to come put my husband on the bedside commode every morning so he could poop. After he was done, she would hold him up, while I cleaned him up. Worked much better than trying to clean him up while laying in the bed. There is NOTHING easy about caring for someone who is bedridden. I sure hope you think long and hard before removing mom from the facility she is in now. You will be giving up your life as you now know it. Best wishes.

It doesn't sound like you should be bringing her home. Someone cleaning an incontinent patient is going to have to look at the involved areas to be sure they are clean. Was your mother incontinent before going into the nursing home or is a recent decline? Hired home care would have to be in place nearly 24/7 to adequately deal with adequate incontinence care.

One person cannot do that alone. I did this for two weeks and it was hard when my mother first became ill with what led to her being hospitalized the first time in this process I'm going through. Thankfully I had the assistance of her close friend who lives next door, who is a certified, medical technician and nursing professional, and had personal experience of caring for an incapacitated son for thirteen years, who she moved back home early on into his care. You're going to need to be trained, by competent caregivers to re-position her, bath her in bed, and deal with her toilet needs. More than likely, you'll have to have a portable toilet right next to the bed, and are always going to need a second person to help with these tasks. Plus you're always going to need home care professionals on hand at various parts of the day, with back-ups on call from the homecare network. If you have adult siblings, you will have to get them onboard to come, assist with these duties, and relieve you, because you're going to need it. You don't realize how quickly you can crack up, and just burnout, and break down, no matter how much resolve you head into this with.

I know personally of one man who had to cope with this without warning or previous experience when his mother was sent home with C diff.

I saw him the morning after. He was in a bit of a state of shock. But his mother was clean and comfortable, and there he was to tell the tale, and in a way I think the shock was that he'd been faced with this challenge and had conquered and couldn't quite believe he'd done it!

There are people who can cope, and there are people who can't cope - and I could tell some tales about them too - and you don't necessarily know which you are until it comes to the crunch.

Here's the key question: what does your mother think? Is she used to receiving support with her personal care from males?

Hi, Clemente. You mention “our family” wanting to bring her home, but is anyone else realistically up for the task besides you?

Also, you mentioned getting in-home help from Medicaid. My limited understanding of that is that Medicaid doesn’t pay for full-time caregivers at home in general. (Some states have Medicaid programs that can pay a small amount for a limited number of hours to a family member or friend to provide some care.) Apparently NY or maybe just NYC is an exception.

What state are you in? Hopefully people knowledgeable about your particular state would have additional information for you.

Clemente, Is your mom getting any help with her mental health challenges?

It is very normal for most folks (and elders especially) to be disoriented and confused when in a NEW unfamilar setting. But if mom is agitated and disoriented after several weeks in a new setting with attentive and caring staff, it is time to look to a geriatric psychiatrist to prescribe medications that will help her adapt.

It is not up to you to sacrifice your life, future and career to provide 24/7 intimate care for your mother. She will get better socialization and mental stimulation in a congregate setting. She will get care by trained staff. And you get to visit as a loving son,

This is how my mother always advised me on getting through something embarrassing or humiliating -- "Close your eyes and think of England."

The origins of the phrase is supposedly about young, innocent women being advised how to handle sexual intercourse on their wedding nights, but my mother and I have found it to be a useful thought in many cases -- gynecological visits, childbirth, and these days, the pain that comes with having a leg wound tended to by a wound specialist.

My mother has dementia and has been hospitalized since mid-December with a septic wound. I'm not allowed to be with her, and she's understandably become combative with the nurses who are trying not to hurt her but are nonetheless inflicting pain anyway. I finally told the nurses to say to my mother, "Close your eyes and think of England," and they report success.

With your mom, a phrase like that might be the trick to mentally remove herself (and yourself) from the embarrassment of dealing with the tasks at hand. It's code for "Yeah, this is awful, but we'll get through it together."

Good luck.

It’s not easy at times , especially right in the beginning, but it gets easier once you figure things out .
i despise nursing homes !!
horrible hell my poor mom endured
have her home snd safe with mr
she has dementia, And is incontinent , but you can get aides To come in to help, I get 10 hours daily so I can work ,
and at night to help clean and get to toilet bed !
mom is SAFE
i had a lot of people say to us
don’t take her out of the home , your crazy ,
it’s too much work
blah blsh
its not their mom , suffering ,
lonely, depressed in a non caring hellhole !! Get her out !!
trust me,
those people do not test her good!!!
mY mom is happy laughing
sleeps well,
etc snd is safe !
yes it
Gets trying at times, but ever time I say , ugh...
i
stop pray and say my mom is safe
and in a loving home !!
get her home and you will figure it out
i just got mine out on Nov 2nd
so glad
Thxs
Melinda

This is really hard. I was faced with the same issue caring for my mom and, with my wife, my mother in law. Two responses. The first is practical. There is on the market a toilet seat that is inexpensive that is very easy to install that provides cleaning functions for both the back and front. The brand name is Toto Washlet. We got ours at Cosco. I wish we had had it for caring for our moms. In addition if you can get a walk in shower, one big enough for a wheelchair, this would be really worthwhile. More than once we had to take my mother-in-law in her wheelchair into the shower to change and clean her after a messy bowl movement.

Now to the spirit: what got me through dealing with caring for my mom in such an intimate way was realizing that now I was caring for her just as she had cared for me. As for private parts I always tried to be conscious of her modesty but on those times when that was unavoidable I remembered that not only had she and I been one body, this was my gateway to life itself. She was to be honored in any way I could help her and comfort her. I came to this acceptance—and this was really important—through prayer. At the start I felt as you (which is entirely natural) and prayed for the strength to do what was necessary. That strength came and with it a new and deep and living connection with my mother; one that put to rest years of strained relations and gave me a wonderful gift after her passing.

May God bless and protect you and give you strength in gifting back to your mom the care she gave to you.

Hello Clemente, I am a healthcare provider who works in a nursing home, so I hope my answer helps you understand the scope of what caregiving a bedbound person entails.

1. If you have no experience, you will need professional assistance to care for your mother, especially in caring for someone who is dependent and bed bound. You should call home care service agencies to find out what services they provide and what the cost is. Then you can see if you can afford it. If your mother is on Medicaid, you can see if she is eligible for home care and how much. If professional aides are contracted to help your mother, you can learn from them how to assist your mother. DO NOT do this unprepared as you will quickly be overwhelmed and it will likely be very unsafe for your mother (and possibly yourself), increasing her risk of bed sores, infection and possible injury. You may find that her staying in the nursing home is the most realistic avenue for her care. Make informed decisions and know what your options are.

2. Not all people are cut out to be the caregivers of their parents. Some sons are able to provide the kind of care she would need, and some, like yourself, are uncomfortable with it. If that's the case, you might want to look into alternatives. To truly provide the necessary care in toileting, bathing and cleaning, you will see everything. A bed bound person will most likely not be getting on a toilet unless they are high level and can stand and walk. But then they are not truly bed-bound. So forget the bidet.

Your question is understandable, but it also reveals that you are not knowledgeable in how to care for a dependent bed-bound person. This is not your fault. As with anything, one needs to be taught. Don't assume it's like caring for a relatively healthy mobile adult. There's a lot to know.

Good luck with this. We are all glad you reached out with your question. Take care.

Hi, Hospice is a Free service provided to elderly people. My mother in law starting using hospice about a year before she passed (94). If your mom has any type of medical condition she would qualify. Ask your dr. for information on your local Hospice. Once she gets approved by Hospice, they come to your house 3 or 2 times a week to fully bathe your mother. They will also come in to check on vitals and give you advice. They have their own Drs and consult with your Mom's Dr. for any situation. They can also get some of her meds free for you. Please check into your local Hospice. I cannot say enough about them here in Florida. They are truly helpful and are not there just because she is dying. This is the concept some people have of Hospice. They are comfort care and 2 or 3 pair of eyes on her. If you/she get interviewed at the house, most likely they can approve you at the same time. That how is happened for us. I love Hospice.
PS Look at how the Hospice person bathes your mom and follow the same. Your mom will continue to refuse and you will continue to comfort her and tell her "Mom I have to and there is no one here to help us". She will not like you bathing her but once you do it by the second time, you will actually not mind doing it. It will come natural to you. Think of her as a baby that needs helps. Hope this helps.

If she is bedridden and in a nursing home for a year I don’t know why you would be considering moving her to your home. She is best left where she is with people who can care for her appropriately. I don’t think you are going to be able to do this and will probably have a difficult time finding a new placement for her. I’d look at options of just keeping her there to be honest.

One thing that hasn't been asked or addressed, but is of relevance here: how heavy is your mother, and how big and strong are you? Of course this has little bearing on the modesty issue, but has considerable implications for the physical handling of your mother. This will enable others on this forum to tailor their assessment of the situation more precisely.

BIG BIG BIG BIG MISTAKE taking her out of the nursing home if you are asking these questions. I would think twice before taking her out of the nursing home. And you will also need a LOT of support system, because you will be doing caregiving 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You will also need a LOT of money because you will not be able to work, and diapers cost about 75 cents to $1 a piece. The cost of gloves and wipes are astronomical. You will also need a ton of bed protectors because inducing bowel movements is very difficult and messy. Those are NOT cheap. Figure on changing your mom about 5-6 times a day for urine. You will need skin protection ointments as well. You MUST attend to her oral intake--fluids, nutrition, and oral care--you MUST clean her teeth afterward to prevent aspiration pneumonia. You have a LOT to learn. You will also need to learn how to use a Hoyer lift. You are supposed to have two people do it but I did it myself because there was nobody else around to help me.

You have to get used to it because your mom cannot do things we all take for granted, and the number one reason why people are institutionalized is due to inability to cope with cleaning bowel movements (BM)--much less induce them. If my mom did not have a BM in 4 days she would get impacted which means the stool would get very large and hard and cannot be passed. This would require an emergency room visit to get her bowels moving again, and it would be a terrible mess. So I had to put my mom on a bowel program which lactulose worked very well (she had kidney disease so I could not use milk of magnesia or any kind of phosphate type of laxative). Lactulose is very kidney friendly. Mom had a bowel movement every Tues, Thursdays and Sundays.

You should have been given some teaching on how to do hygienic care. If your mom is bed ridden you will have to do bed baths, and you will also have to prevent skin breakdown, which means specialty mattresses and turning her every two hours.

You cannot shower a bedridden person.

READ THIS AND READ IT WELL: You also CANNOT get sick because a bedridden person will 100% depend on you for your survival.

My father was bedridden the last 3 months of his life. As his daughter, I was sensitive to maintaining his privacy when bathing and toileting. I was even more concerned, however, that he remained clean and not develop bed sores. I knew I could not physically handle the challenge, as I have health-related limitations. Thankfully, my dad was already in hospice care with an agency that provided a daily, 7-days a week and holidays, visit. They worked with me and were able to commit to coming mid-day (noonish). I hired an aide for a four hour split shift (7-9 am and then 7-9 pm). So, all necessary cleaning, bathing, changing bed linens, turning or whatever was needed (I prepared foods and helped with feeding) was primarily done during those hours. My dad slept most of the day and night by that point. I was fortunate to be able to set up this arrangement, however. Doesn’t work for everyone. If your mom isn’t in hospice care (Medicare pays), she probably qualifies.Her nursing home physician can write the order. Meantime, interview hospice agencies that provide services in your area. Ask about frequency of home healthcare visits. I went with an agency that allocated most of its Medicare funding to providing daily visits according to patient need. Not all agencies will do that.
It was a real blessing to have that service.

Clemente, I care for my father at home. I have never had children and like you, it is the opposite sex. You need to research skin breakdown, bed sores, etc. If you fully understand the seriousness of skin breakdown, you WILL be motivated to keep her clean, even in areas to clean that are uncomfortable for you. Wear gloves. I use baby shampoo, instead of soap. It's easier on the skin. See my profile for some other suggestions. I recommend watching a professional caregiver bathe her first.

Clemente,
I am a male and I have cared for my mother for almost 8 years now. My mother is incontinent and me, my wife, and a couple of paid helpers change her diapers throughout the day. My mother is not bed ridden but does have very limited mobility, and requires assistance to get into and out of bed, showering, spoon feeding, etc. My mother weighs 125 lbs. now but when I started to care for her she weighed 145 lbs. Before I can go into depths about how to care for your mother from my years of experience, I need to know how much your mother weighs, if you work or not outside the home, and who your mother will be staying with when you refer to "home".

Clemente,
Caring for someone who is bedridden is very hard. The simple answer to your question about bathing and diaper changes and your "view" is there is no way to care for her and "not see". After MIL had a major stroke that left her paralyzed in her right side, unable to communicate except for yes or no, unable to chew food that wasn't pureed, but was thankfully able to swallow, it took my husband and I to change his mom so she wouldn't be harmed. Sponge bath every morning, new gown, new sheets, hair brushed, mouth cleaned with dental swabs, using baby aquaphor with diaper changes as a proactive measure to help avoid diaper rash, moving her arms and legs around to help her feel more comfortable and not stiff, shifting her position in bed to avoid bed sores, etc. She was in this situation for 2 weeks before having another massive stroke and passing. My heart broke for her because she knew what she wanted to say but was trapped in her head. She had been living with us for almost 2 years on hospice care when this happened and I thank God every day for her team. Instead of 2x a week cna, she came 3x a week, nurse visits became daily because of her condition, she was having TIAs throughout the 2 weeks, and they taught me many ways to help her. You said your mom is bedridden is she able to eat or does she need a feeding tube? If she has a tube that is something else you will need to take care of very carefully so it stays clean. Think about bringing her home very carefully because her care will be very time consuming and very physical. There is no way I could've done any of this for my MIL without my husband's physical help and her team giving me great advice. Water with a medicine syringe, how to use the draw sheet to make things easier on her. Talking to hospice now if you are going to be bringing her back home with you would be a good idea, they can do the intake from the nursing home your mom is in now and make sure that you are set up and ready at your home for mom, hospital bed, wheelchair if needed, initial supplies etc. I would also make sure to have multiple sets of twin sheets for her bed on hand, at least 3 or 4 sets for daily changes and accident coverage, also soft, cozy warm blankets for her. Your washer and dryer will be working overtime. Sheets, towels, wash rags, clothing. Is she ble to sit in an upright position? If so, button down the front pjs, shirts and sweaters would be your best option. Please don't walk into this blindly, do research on line, there are many good articles and videos out there to help you and your family understand the huge responsibility you are taking on.
One last thing for you to consider is this, you will be told other family members will be there to assist you and give you a break, don't count on it and don't depend on them following thru. We learned the hard way, excuses why it wasn't convenient for them. I wish you luck and hope any decisions made will be for mom's care and wellbeing, along with your own. Do NOT flush wipes even if the package says they're flushable, they can clog pipes and will mess up your septic system. Waste water treatment plants are also having issues with them clogging up their lines and pumps, they do not decompose like toilet paper.

I have not gone through the other 20+ replies so forgive me if this is a duplicate of another.
1. I have to ask why do you want to bring mom home? This can be a daunting task for you particularly if you have no help. You will need help.

Is your mom eligible for Hospice? If so you would get the equipment that you need to care for her properly and safely. The staff would also educate you in how to use the equipment as well as how to care for her to minimize skin breakdown.

Hello, Clemente ~ As my mothers only caregiver and son, I took care of all her personal needs. We did have aides come in at various times to bathe her, etc. when Mom was still in her apartment and needed help, Then there were times when she needed that help in the middle of the night, out on a shopping trip, or even in the middle of the day. I did all the things necessary to make sure she was clean and feeling good. I have seen my mother completely nude in the shower. I have applied healing creams to places I never thought I would ever ever see. I did it because she is my mother and I love her and wanted her to be as comfortable as can be. At first she would say she was embarrassed but I would reassure her that everything was fine and that her care was my utmost concern. She started developing dementia and had to finally go to a nursing home. At the nursing home, there were time when aides were too busy with other residents so I once again took charge of making sure she was okay. If you love your mom, taking care of the personal hygiene will become the best thing you can do for her at this stage. Do Not Worry About It. You will get over that initial uncomfortable feeling. Trust Me.

I took care of my dad and I am female. Nurses would sponge bathe him. They put those pink or blue liner pads under him n all water is absorbed. If you have a hoist or another person to help lift to the commode or to wipe them, it’s very helpful. It’s disturbing seeing their body but who else is going to clean them. Son, caregiver, hire someone to bathe her maybe once a week as a break for you . I used the huggies and then resorted to adult disposable diapers and gloves and butt paste. It’s like taking care of a baby’s skin. Get help ask her doctor for a referral. Some help is better than none. They took care of us now it’s our turn to take care of them. 😉 Good luck in taking care of mom. You can do it.

I have known several men who have taken care of their mothers as well as women who have taken care of fathers. I have taken care of my father's needs as well as my mother's. It isn't easy with the elements of modesty and privacy with which we were raised but it has to be done and has to be seen in order to be done as it should be.
Here's the word "Compartmentalization". Yes she is your MOTHER!, she is your MOM!. Certain tasks may be easier if you forget that for the time to complete the task. These are body parts that brought you into the world (unless you are a C-section baby). Not many of us want to be that real as to "see" where we came from. Nudity is NOT the same as sexuality and you don't really have to experience her nudity. Bathing is done in stages with the body covered except the part you are cleaning. There was help with both Mom and Dad so I had a chance to learn from experienced caregivers.

Welcome to a new world. Did you know that there are youtubes for this? CNA certification has videos on youtube for how to do almost everything you will need to do, bed baths, feeding, transfer from bed to wheel chair,, on and on. In fact, I highly recommend that you look to see if there are any CNA courses offered in your area that you could take. There is really no sense in reinventing the wheel. From the videos and especially from a class you will learn precisely what you are getting into and how to avoid injury to yourself as well as to your mother AND if you decide to hire some help, you will be able to KNOW if they are doing the job correctly. Here is a starting point. You may need to copy/paste the links into your browser. Once in the correct part of youtube, look around at what is available. THIS IS AN ART FORM!! and yes I was shouting. Very few recognize that elder care is an art and a craft.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvQtjY3-bcE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRfFdgch968

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAk9ppD-KZk

i did patient care several years ago, and while I did not have to help my dad with personal care I was very concerned about him being embarrassed should the time have come. My suggestion is discussing the need she has for help . then every couple hours when you change her do it quickly, don’t look too long, keep her covered as much as you can, and if you use some really good products with a lot of moisture it will help speed things up. I’m sorry you are in this situation. I’m sure she is so thankful for you. Oh, and always put a good barrier cream where she tends to get the wettest. The briefs “adult diapers” that connect like a real diaper makes things quicker too. The ones like underwear are extremely time consuming. Hope that helps.