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Mom has heart patient, dad stroked. The dad molested son's wife as a young girl, now they are flashing $ around and will sell their huge house and son and wife will sell their house to buy new place jointly. Both parents are manipulators. They could sell their home and move into an assisted living cottage of their choice. But, want to uproot my son’s life and his wife said she always wanted a relationship with her mom. Wife runs a distance every few days to visit them and is worn out. Suggestions?

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This will be a sensitive topic to broach with them and you may only be watching the sausage being made from the sidelines. Perhaps you can suggest they first see an elder law attorney who has experience with estate planning, since buying the house jointly may impact any future Medicaid qualification and can get very messy legally. Even if they (think) they have lot of money now, that can get eaten up with paid in-home caregiving help (and they WILL need that at some point). If the wife is already worn out, it will get worse, not better, if they move in and those parents see her as their 24/7 servant. If both parents currently are physically compromised, she will be outnumbered if her husband isn't helping out A LOT every day, all day. She might be the person you take out to lunch to have this conversation with...("Your caregiving plan sounds very ambitious...have you ever spoken to anyone who's done it? What is your biggest concern going into it?" etc.) I wish you all the best as you try to help them see the reality of what they are about to commit to.
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Ginnyssister May 2020
Thnx for your reply...really appreciated. Apparently there has been a lawyer involved. It is the parent’s lawyer. I hate seeing this happen. Someday my son will have to pick up again and move again...the house will be too big for 2 people. The other issue is she told me she has told my 2 grandkids (ages 15 and 17) girl and boy about the situation with grand dad. What kind of message does that send a young girl? It’s ok to be violated and then open your doors to someone like that because a lot of $ is being waved around. UGH!
Thanx again
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This is a big mistake for the Wife. You should never care for a person who abused you. And if they move in together, it will be in-laws house if they put in the bigger share. Now DIL can get away, this won't happen when they are together 24/7.

Looks like Geaton was typing the same time I was. Yes, the Medicaid angle needs to be looked at too.
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The wife seems to not recognize (or have any) boundaries. This will be a huge problem on all fronts for her in this caregiving arrangement.
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What a terrible plan.

Please visit an eldercare attorney to examine the Medicaid-planning aspect and a therapist to discuss the mental health aspects.
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Ginnyssister May 2020
I agree. None of this is good. Trying to be a good mother I law, I have never interfered. I am watching my son and how he spent years building in his own home, and now wife and he are being sold a bill of goods. Wife is a know it all, but I have never let her know my feelings of this ill fated idea. Her own brother, who was in disbelief of the molesting, is now resolved to the truth and he is not speaking to sister or parents. I hate seeing my son going through this in agreement.
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Please simply tell your son that there is a five year Medicaid look back and that nursing homes and memory care cost 12 to 15 K per month, per person. Does he want to be on the hook for that?

My mother lived for 4.5 years after entering a nursing home.

Medicaid planning needs to be done by EVERYONE, except maybe Bill Gates.
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Ginnyssister May 2020
Thanks for your suggestion. Much appreciated.
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What does your son think about this plan. Does HE really want to do this? (If so, he may need his head examined imo).

Or just his wife? (If so, stand up for yourself Man!)

Is this older couple so ill they would be confined to their own rooms & wish to use their own funds for paid aides? Like their own self-managed personal NH on site?

Or will they be enslaving this younger family to fetch, carry, entertain at beck & call so they can continue to live exactly as they wish?

Have a quiet chat with your son. Ask HIS view. Suggest he get independant advice. You don't want to be seen to be trying to split up your son's marriage... But he may need a safe place to discuss what he wants.
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Ginnyssister May 2020
Sounds like sound advice to me. For some reason, son never finds time to talk in person and very rarely calls me. We have always had a good relationship and I am not a but-insky in -law. Am at wit’s end. Thanx so much
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I would be hiring a lawyer to represent your granddaughter. It is criminally irresponsible for your son to expose his daughter to a child molester.
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Sounds wrong. Why would your son want to take on a larger home generally. Regardless of the molestation which is awful why does he want to do this for the parents. They should figure out their own aging living situation and most certainly in lieu of previous downright criminal behavior by a parent against his own relative. Not that it makes a difference but the wife must not have been married at that point. How awful for her to have to live with her own molester and not consider subjecting his wife to that memory regardless of whatever poor health parents are in and regardless if he is remorseful or remembers what he has done. He could have been in prison for this.
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Why would your son allow his daughter to have any contact with her grandfather after what he has done?
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Child molesters don’t usually stop at one. A 15 year old girl sounds like a terrible temptation for grandpa, to put it in the kindest possible way. An unkind way is ‘fresh meat’. Where I am, there are special police units to deal with child abuse. My daughter was abused by a ‘friend’ of my then estranged husband, and the police were very supportive of her and me at a very difficult time. And then DH1’s current girlfriend wanted to invite the ‘friend’ to her birthday party because ‘all that’s over now’. Perhaps that is also being said in this family. And no, it’s never over. If grandpa loses self control with increasing age, let alone dementia, you have a real and realistic disaster in waiting.

Based on my own experience, I’d say go and talk to the police about your worries for your granddaughter. Ask for their advice. Sorting out the abuse situation could be very likely to stop the whole idea going ahead.
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AT1234 May 2020
Yes yes and yes
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Are the grandchildren (15 & 17) your son's? I though they may have been from another branch of the family? If the plan is to move these kids in, please get legal advice & do whatever you can to stop it.

Just the thought of stroke-surviver Gramps asking for help to the bathroom is making me angry. He may need help BUT NOT FROM the CHILDREN.
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Children should never be living with a child molester. Child Protective Services should get involved. Kids need protection, what kind of parents would risk this. Gramps should be in jail as far as I'm concerned!! Why in the world would any parent knowing of the abuse put their children at risk?
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Send them this website and tell them to read every question and discussion about living with and being a caregiver for manipulative parents.

Okay, who thinks that living with a sexual predator is a good idea?

Could it be that dad in law can not find a facility that will accept a sexual predator? This should tell them something.

My heart is breaking for your daughter in law, she is setting herself up for the worse heartache, believing that she can do enough to make her mom love her will destroy her heart.

Best of luck averting this terrible mistake.
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Ginny, my mom taught me an important lesson about being a mother in law and grandmother: keep your mouth shut so that when the time comes that there is something important to say, you don't get ignored.

You don't harp on the little things (kids being picky eaters, how your dil disciplines the kids if it's not abusive, sleep habits and thank you note writing).

You save speaking up for if you think your grandchild is in need of urgent medical intervention about to enter into an situation in which they might be molested.

I think it's time to sound the siren
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How about asking the younger couple, or at least your son, to read your question and all these answers?
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One important question here.
Do you have any grandchildren living with your son and his wife or do they plan on having children?. If the answer to that is yes then the answer is a HARD and fast, and resounding NO!!!
And if he has been reported as an offender then if this comes to be report him. I would tell your son and DIL that you would do this.

(OK..just read other replies and there are grand children so re read the above!!)

As for the rest...and this might be difficult to do but as Dear Abby used to say..
MYOB Mind your own business.
This is a decision a husband and wife are making.
Give your opinion then back off.
Let your son know and your DIL that you will be there to support them and you will not pull the "I told you so" card when this becomes a disaster.
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