As a preface, I have been asked by my father to consider becoming a caregiver of my grandmother, which would also mean helping out with my 58 year old uncle who has had 2 strokes and lives with her. They live in Hawaii and I live in Texas.
After a few visits to the hospital for various problems, my grandmother's mental and physical health seems to be declining. According to my father, she repeats herself often and forgets about simple things like how her door locks work. I know that she has serious paranoia about gaining weight and has issues sleeping. In addition to this, she has a history of being abusive to caregivers that my dad has tried to hire or people who knew her and offered to help on their own. She refuses any kind of professional help, including the idea of going to an assisted living facility or in-home care.
None of this information includes my uncle, who cannot move half of his body has a speech impediment, OCD, hoards, and is verbally abusive.
I feel selfish for not wanting to do this, but I also feel like this responsibility shouldn't be placed on me. I don't know what to do or even what kind of solutions to offer my dad.
Your dad had no right to ask you or except you to take care of your grandmother and what are you to do with your uncle? It is hard enough to take care of one person, but two would be horrific on your overall health. If you want a life than say no to this.
Prehaps grandmother and uncle need to be in a facility like it or not. In life we don't always have a choice what happens to us or where we live.
You should not have to pick up your life and put it on hold, because that is what will happen.
Like Riverdale, I think there might be more to the story, but don't be quilt into doing something you don't want to do.
Good Luck
1. Can they pay enough? You will need to purchase health insurance which will be over $100 or more a month. Also, will you make enough to put money aside for your retirement? Will you be able to afford a dinner out occasionally? Or will you be asked to do this gratis or for “room and board”? Will whatever job skills you have be outdated when (and if) you ever get back into the workforce? Uncle’s not that old. He could live for decades. Not to be unkind, but Grandma is rapidly losing her right to chose. She can stamp her feet and carry on all she wants, but if you don’t make sure she’s got the care she needs, as her next of kin, you could be charged with neglect at some point.
2. Scenario: both Grandma and Uncle have anger and verbal abuse issues. At any point and perhaps often, you could be subjected to meltdowns in stereo. You try to get to one of them and you take a flyer over some pile of dirty junk and rotten food Uncle has piled up. He screams at you for being so clumsy and disrupting his “treasures”. Uncle poops himself. Then, Grandma starts. Grandma screams that she’s hungry and where is her food. She doesn’t like what you made and throws it on the floor. Then it’s time for bed, but Grandma’s not cooperating. And Uncle needs washed but can’t do it himself. Both want immediate attention. This is a very real scenario. What’s wrong with Dad? If you can be expected to bathe your uncle, for sure he can bathe his mother.
Say no, dear. Don’t let him guilt you into it unless you are REALLY desperate. Tell Dad you will be more than happy to help him find placement for both or them. Home Caregivers obviously won’t work. If he hems and haws, go your own way and let him deal with it.
Your Grandmom needs to be in an AL or LTC. Her Dementia will get worse. Your Uncle same thing. They both need more care than one person can give.
Your dad is not thinking clearly. These are two people with untreated mental illness. There also seem to be physical impairments but the mental impairments must be addressed as primary.
Encouage you dad to get both of his relatives seen by geriatric psychiatry. Treatment may make it possible to allow them to stay home with hired caregivers.
I'm sure your dad is at his wits end because of his mother's terrible behavior. He needs to step back and look at what needs to be done to ensure the safety of these 2 people. Now here is the kicker, unless they have been declared incompetent he can not make them do anything, good side of that is he also can not be held accountable or charged with negligence, bad side is they can do whatever they want.
Sometimes the only way for change to happen is that there is a serious injury, fall, medical condition resulting in hospitalization. That is the time for everyone to step away and say, no safe place for him/her to go. Period! No family can move in, no family can take them, period! Oh don't forget to say that it is because of the abuse verbal and physical. Request a psych evaluation to address the behaviors.
Is there substance abuse in the household? I ask because your uncle is very young to be in his condition and the behaviors seem like that might be an issue. If there is, this will need to be addressed as well, cold turkey is really unacceptable and dangerous.
Is your dad in Hawaii? He needs to gets APS involved so they can intervene, g'ma obviously can't take care of uncle or herself and he is obviously unable to care for her or himself. At this point someone else, that has authority needs to access the situation and deal with the needs of g'ma and uncle. That way they are the bad guy.
This is a rotten position to be in but you should not become the caregiver for these 2 and you should not feel guilty.
Best of luck getting them the care they need.
There aren't issues with substance abuse, my uncle didn't take care of his body. Sodas and pizza every day for several years.
My dad is in hawaii. He lives about 2 miles from my grandma and uncle.
You are rightfully scared. Do NOT do this. Is living in Hawaii enticing you to think about it? What is going on in your life that dad would even ask you to do this. Remind him that you have a life and you enjoy it. Your dad is in Hawaii, he needs to do what grandma needs for care. It may not be pleasant for him, but he has to do something about it that does not include you.
Heck! Grandma may not know you either. When is the last time you saw her?
By her first name, I guess there is a cultural issue in play here. Her father perhaps expects her to do this --what will turn into slavery, because she's a female. Dad needs to re-think this. Others have given lots of good feedback already.
I can only add that if the cultural factor is in play, Yurchenko needs to think of her own future and follow earlier suggestions about keeping her relations safe, and Dad will just have to pull up his knickers and get used to modern life.
Okay. How about: practical?
How much is your father thinking of paying you for taking on this challenging and complex management role? And what qualifications can you bring to it?
None of this information includes my uncle, who cannot move half of his body has a speech impediment, OCD, hoards, and is verbally abusive."
PLEASE listen to the wise advice from previous posters. Do NOT do this.
You are NOT selfish! Your father is wrong to try to put their care on you. He is putting them above you. It is obvious that you will be placing yourself into an abusive situation if you do this. People on these boards have ruined their lives doing elder caregiving.
Please stay in Texas and go on with your life. You deserve it, you are worth it, and know we are all rooting for you to keep your life.
Just a little something to add...seems to me that her dad is the selfish one, unless he has medical issues himself..
It's not her turn.
By your writing, you appear to be a bright, kind, intelligent young person.
”Selfish” at the age of 22 is part of the process of growing into maturity, like blowing too much of your salary on a great, frivolous jacket and deciding not to let a friend borrow it.
”Selfish” is NOT taking on the management of a situation that is already desperate and can quickly descend to worse.
“Caregivers” for a woman in your grandmother’s condition require firm, structured handling by trained professionals who are fairly compensated for their difficult work, offered managed respite, and have the wherewithal to ignoreand/or channel
her I appropriate social interaction.
Then add the comparable but different management of her son.
I cannot begin to imagine what has possessed your father to even suggest that you might consider taking this on, much less actually assume responsibility for it, but as a parent who has raised two wonderful children, I cannot state strongly enough that you have NO REASON to consider your desire to refuse this burden a “selfish” act, and EVERY REASON to continue YOUR progress to maturity where you are.
If your father is in the position of serving as some sort of manager or overseer of the situation in Hawaii, it is HIS responsibility to find qualified, trained, appropriate help for the household you describe.
You are not selfish or bad. Instead, by assessing the negatives in this situation and correctly observing that it exceeds your capacity to successfully undertake it, you are assuming responsibility for your own welfare, independence, and self growth.
Do not take this on. DO NOT TAKE THIS ON.
Please do NOT do this! You could end up spending way too much of your life as a caregiver. Your uncle is 58 and could live another 20 or 30 years. Who would be expected to care for him after grandma passes or becomes too ill to care for him? Right. You!!
It sounds as if your grandmother has some dementia going on. Your dad should get her diagnosed, get POA for her and his brother, and have them both placed in a facility where they could be properly cared for.
This is the time for you to enjoy your life, and shame on dad for asking you to give up your youth to care for two people who need more help than one person could even provide!!
You are NOT selfish. In fact, that you are even considering it shows what an amazing young lady you are!!
I hope I can overcome the screaming in my head long enough to answer you.
No,
You have absolutely no idea how hard this is. None of us did.
No.
Whatever the situation is now, it will get worse, by an unimaginable amount.
No.
I'm 9 years into caring for my dad with dementia and I know what I'm talking about. Everyone here does. Please believe all of us who are trying to save you from this situation and don't agree to this. Not even for a trial period because I fear no one will come to relieve you.
I would never ask my children to care for their grandmother, uncle, or even ME!
Who is designated as POA for your grandmother and uncle? If no one, your father needs to step in and make these decisions for a very complex situation.
I wish you the best - don't go down this road. You know it's not for you. Live your life!
Remember, you are the only one who ultimately makes your decisions what you do with your life. One of the biggest lessons in life is learning to not feel guilty for doing the right thing for yourself first.
Guess what...your dad is trying to manipulate you and I’m curious why he chose you and not himself
but guess what again..NO is a complete sentence. And it is within your rights to have boundaries about what you can and cannot do and guilt has no part in it. Don’t let his lack of boundaries cause you to rethink your own. Just say No, I need to work and I can’t take this on. Add "sorry" if you feel like it.
My parents said don't let us do this to you when the time comes. However, now that they are in their mid-80s this advice has been forgotten as they struggle valiantly to remain at home and not go to a nursing home/assisted living. Thankfully I have two siblings so we divide up helping out (my brother has POA for finances and pays bills, etc. and I have medical POA and monitor doctors and medication management. My sister coordinates the home health nurse.) The home health care nurse comes to their home 4 hours a day to manage what the three of us cannot with our jobs.
Every family has to patch together assistance as they are best able emotionally, physically and financially. But DO NOT sacrifice your life!
DONT DO IT.