So after exploring all options (my mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid) my mom would like sell her home and move in with us and pay for small renovation about 40,000 so that she can live with us and have her privacy. We would then only maintain her day aide and I would take over evenings. My siblings have decided that this renovation would be to my benefit (haha no way do I need another addition now that we have an empty nest plus an increase in property taxes!!) and insist that I repay my mom's estate once she passes away. They're verbally abusive to both me and my mom especially now and they don't help at all with anything ever, so I'm no longer speaking to them. My mom decided that yes since they insist I pay her back I should to shut them up but she will in turn pay me for caring for her at the same nightly rate that the aid gets which is 180 a night or 15 an hour. That's over 5000 a month. So am I a slimeball for taking this money?? What should these ingreats benefit from me taking my mom in after they decided that her paying for the renovation wasn't fair even though that was for her to stay here rent free for the rest of her life!! And they both told her if she moves in with me they're not going to visit her. She wants to go to a lawyer to sign a written agreement so things will be very clear on what's going to happen. But I still feel shallow if I take this money
There is nothing wrong with your plan. You are right, your mom will never get Medicaid. She makes far to much income.
I am glad that she did a gift of the remodel, that means you won't be liable to her estate, which should never happen when you are doing what you are.
A stair lift should definitely be included in the initial construction.
Best of luck with the remodel, may it go smoothly and may you find good quality workers.
Do you own a motel by chance?;-)
At least in SNL she would be able to interact with people.
You don't say what kind of health issues your mother has and why she needs 24/7 care.
Its not wrong to take the money. If you proceed.
Don't just take the money for the renovations. Charge for your services as her caregiver and also charge her room and board.
Pardon me if I speak plainly, but I say screw your siblings. If none of them are willing to take care of mother, then they don't get a say.
Your mother is smart to want to visit a lawyer. This way she can make you her POA if she hasn't already. Then the lawyer can make up the documents about how much her rent with you will be and what she will be paying for caregiving services to both her daytime aide and yourself. This way if she has to go into a nursing home at some point, it will all be squared with Medicaid if she has to get applied for it.
She gas $8000 a month in income and a qualified Eldercare attorney in her state can't figure out how to get her qualified for Long Term Care Medicaid? (LtC Medicaid is different than Community Medicaid).
Does she have assets (Bank accounts, CD's, IRAs, investments) that can be used to pay the difference?
Have you looked into Adult Foster homes?
You say you won't be caring for her 24/7, but what happens when the aid quits? Is sick?
Since she always favored your brothers over you, why are you the one taking care of her? They keep their inheritances without having to do anything. Why not you, too?
I have a sibling problem myself. No one helps, I’m the only daughter. Thanks goodness for my dog if not I would be insane!
Mom is difficult. I think 93 regardless of memory issues is way riskier and harder to care for at night. Will you sleep in the same room? Good luck on whatever your decision. I found a great resource at Carelinx today for help. Maybe you can hire an overnight person a few nights a week for a break.
Why in the world would her doctors not want her to go to assisted living? Did the doc tell you that himself? Or is this a lie/manipulation by granny who will be living in your house? And she now wants you to repay the cost of the renovation after she passes? What a hornet's nest that will become!
Not at all a chance for me, thank you very much.
When you say "down to the wire". What do you mean? Is granny running out of cash assets? And yes I know it is not granny, but your mom.
Your mother takes what you do for her for granted.
Your brothers have stated that they will not visit your mother if she is living in the same home as you.
Your mother has already made the decision to ring-fence their inheritance, and believes that she is compensating for this by offering to pay you at the same rate as she already pays her live-in caregivers. You already feel guilty about this, thinking it would show shallowness, that only a "slimeball" would take the money.
Your mother will be paying for the adaptations to your home, but you expect her otherwise to live with you "rent-free" for the rest of her life. And who will be paying for her living costs, then?
Your mother is incontinent and a falls risk, requiring 24/7 care. Have you stayed with her for long enough to know what it's like to manage her needs night after night for a prolonged period?
JanIneed, the reason that you have had so many alarmed responses to your post is that we're watching you march straight into a minefield. Whatever you decide to do I hope it turns out well for you and your mother and your family, but please pause for thought. If you haven't already taken over sole charge of your mother's hands-on care for at least a month, try to do that first before you make any irreversible decisions.
What level of care is needed? Nursing Home, Memory Care?
Is her depression being treated? Has she been diagnosed with dementia?
It sounds to me like there is a lot of attention being paid to the monetary aspects on the table and not enough thought being given to what level of care mom needs.
Figure out the needs first. Arrange how to pay for it with the advice of an eldercare attorney.
in the end….MIL money was for her care(she has quite a bit cash, house and stock). 4) then we thought what if we put this on and 6 months later she needs a nursing facility. We got out of the mindset that that was inheritance money and it was hers. We sold her home which gave her about 4 years in a MC facility and cash in bank gives her another 2 yrs. stock will be last to go since she draws income on that. In the end…..we considered inheritance vs life style and went with a facility. Another option we are considering is there will be a house right next door going up for rent. Rent that, install cameras, hire assistance for 8 hrs and husband take over evening shift. A lot cheaper BUT we are still….thinking we would be in the same boat as far as care and lifestyle. Who knows…..but for right now she is in a facility, we go every day and she is taken care of.
I would like to add….it is NOT easy to care for a parent(live in). My mother lives with my sister. They put on an suite for her. We are beginning to see the challenges of this arrangement and wonder how long can it go on….oh I spend every other week in PA to assist with my mom so my sister has support and it is difficult.
so just some food for thought….think it all the way through, do the what ifs from all angles.
I am concerned that your mother says you should pay the estate back the $40,000 to renovate your home. What else will your mother make you do to "shut up" your siblings?
Do you have POA/HCPOA?
And do you want to be responsible for your mother 24/7/365? She is 93, according to your profile. What if she dies within a year? Then you will be left with a remodel that you didn't really want. Is that all right with you? If your mother wasn't planning to move in, would you have wanted to do the remodel?
Your renovation plans put mom UPSTAIRS? Not good for when she becomes more frail. In addition, what guarantee do you have that your mom won't simply park herself in your living room, TV blaring?
That is the sad reality that lots of folks have come to this board with.
Shallow doesn't come into it. I'm afraid you're being wilfully blind to the reality of what that $5K a month is going to cost you.
In addition, your mother speaks about paying back to her estate to shut your siblings up as though it isn't up to her what happens. But it IS.
What were those other options you and she explored?
Instead, if you really want to take care of her see an elder law attorney to set it up legally. Or move her to assisted living. You need to be very careful especially when there are siblings keeping an eye on things.
Just see that attorney to discuss options.
Will this be a pop in check or physical transfers, bathroom duty, emotional support?
Will you be able to use a Hoyer lift & wheelchair if mobility requires it?
Plenty of elders get lonely or anxious & want company every evening. This can be even more draining than physical assistance.
Lastly, do you WANT to be a caregiver every evening? Or feel you SHOULD?
I get from your profile Mom is not easy to get along with. How about taking the house proceeds and place her in a nice AL. Spend all her money. If her SS and pension are a problem because they are higher than the cap, see if your State allows a Miller trust. This is where any income over the cap goes into the trust so Mom qualifies for Medicaid.
Take the money and have mom pay for her share of expenses as well. Have this written into a rental agreement that is a separate agreement from your caregiving agreement.
It is none of your siblings business what your agreements are with your mom.
Quite frankly, your siblings don't deserve a penny and you should happily get as much as you can for doing what you do for your mom. She should rewrite her will and have it state that any beneficiary that contests the will gets one dollar. That is legal, we have it written into ours to stop family nonsense.
This is her choice and you should be grateful that she is willing to compensate you and pay her way.
Tell your mom I said, "Well done showing your daughter your appreciation for what she is doing!"