How do you deal with elder who is constantly talking to herself under her breath but loud enough for you to hear that she wishes she would just die already. This started about a week ago but is getting more frequent and honestly rather quite disturbing. We were in the process of getting her evaluated for dementia when all the COVID hit but to date have not had much luck and since she lives with us there is no escaping it. It is to the point that is embarassing to even have people over because they hear her doing it and just give us the look. We have thought about doing an ER dump and then refusing to let her come back to our home but since the COVID #'s are rising everywhere I am not sure how far we would even get with that. We give her meds to take and have recently found them rolled up in tissues, in the trash and multiple places so sure she is not taking what she needs to even though we stand over her and she appears to be taking them. Sorry guess just needed to vent and get that out there but I feel like our family will have a mental; breakdown if something doesn't give.....
As she aged, she stopped doing that. Now she's 90 and says she never wants to die! Life is so twisted.
As far as the pill thing---watch her take the pill, check her mouth for it (them). My FIL didn't want to take his meds and I assumed he still was, after his death I was cleaning under the recliner and there was a veritable pile of pills. Not that it made any difference, really, here nor there, I kind of chuckled at his sneakiness.
Maybe a mild sedative would calm her down. (I know, I always suggest that!) but it could make a difference in her overall demeanor and anxiety. If she won't take them, maybe you need to get something for the whole family. Shoot, I take anti-anxiety meds to be able to live with my high-maintenance DH.
FWIW--they make Valium in a cream that is rubbed on the thin skin of the inner arm. It works nearly as well as the pills. I used to use it on daddy when he was anxious...he enjoyed the 'massage' and he slowly calmed down. Then I'd rub MY hands like you do when you have extra lotion---and we'd BOTH have a pleasant afternoon. I would be mildly stoned and he would be a joy to be with. It was a win-win.
ONE person does not have the right to ruin an entire family's peace. And, no, an ER dump at this time would just be unbearably cruel to the workers who are dealing with packed hospitals.
You are correct that doing the ER Dump at this point is truly risking the life of the elder, and that it is a very drastic measure.
People who are visiting giving me "the look"? What look is that? Is that the "You-are-attempting-to-care-for-a-loved-one-who-is-suffering" look ; because that "look" at this point would be my very last concern.
Sure do understand your concern. Have you sat with her and said gently "I am not certain if you realize you are doing this, but of late you are walking about talking about how much you wish you weren't alive anymore. Can you tell me about what is bothering you the most right now; is there something we can do to help you"?
My brother in his last year often expressed to me his hope that he would die soon, his wish that the accident had simply "taken him right there". His realization that his life henceforth would be nothing but loss after loss after sad loss, his fear of his Probable Early Lewy's diagnosis, and finally the terror of the loss of all control in mind and body and dignity. When we discussed it I told him I wished that for him as well if it was what he wanted, but it didn't happen yet, so we had to do best we could, both of us; that I would never abandon him. That we could always talk honestly. His feelings, to me, were normal. I didn't deny or negate them. I listened to him.
You seem clearly to recognize that 24/7 care is not for you, that it exceeds your limitations. I am not being critical because I knew that on day one and never would have tried it. So eventually you will have Mom placed; it will be better, likely for all concerned. But not right now. right now about all you can do is vent. So please vent away.
If you have been around Forum for a while you know you aren't alone. This is very hard. That can't be denied. I wish you luck going forward; I hope you'll come back and update us as you move toward diagnosis and placement.
When I was in your shoes Maine127, I was desperate to the point of being frantic, for some contact with people who could bring me some conversation, share a laugh, maybe a concerned hug. That you should not have the same genial treatment is horrifying. Would you please make a promise to yourself, and me too, to totally disregard this unkindness?
If you feel there may be a sense of shock that your mom is struggling and you are concerned about the reaction of someone who is not sophisticated in the trauma of suffering dementia and providing care for someone suffering from it, could you say “We’d love to have you visit, but we need you to know that my mom hasn’t been well, and some of the things she’s been doing can be a little unsettling. If you don’t care to come, we will understand”.
PLEASE, don’t EVER APOLOGIZE for whom your mom is. YOU are doing EVERYTHING you can to help her, attempting to adjust to her changing demeanor, and dealing also with the difficulties of trying to manage her needs in the world of COVID.
Dementia is a tragedy. You are doing ALL YOU CAN. Don’t let yourself be burdened by second guessing how to please thoughtless people who would casually judge something they haven’t attempted to u derstand.
Your Mom probably has anxiety. Pills can be put in pudding and yogurt. Some can be crushed, others can't be. See if there is liquid form. I would not worry about Cholesterol meds.
What I suggest is if Mom is hospitalized for over 3 days and rehab is offered, take it. Then while she is there, have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If found she needs it, tell the Social Worker you can no longer care for her in your home and she needs to be transferred to LTC. Spend what money she has on her care then apply for Medicaid 90 days before it runs out. With my Mom she had enough left to cover two months private pay and Medicaid took over the 3rd month. Do not allow the facility to do the application. I did Moms application and followed up with the caseworker making sure he had all the paperwork needed.
As far as the "I want to die" mantra goes, it's extremely bothersome to hear this kind of talk. I know because I've been listening to my mother carrying on about 'wanting to die' for the past year now. She's threatened to jump out of the window (lives on the first floor so that won't work) and all sorts of things. One time she was furious that I wasn't 'praying hard enough' for her TO die! Each time she starts a rant, I remind her that I do not appreciate hearing that kind of talk. When that doesn't work, I commiserate with her; letting her know that I understand she's tired and ready to die. The next day, she's ranting about a wart on her knuckle that's 'going to kill her' and being petrified of it doing so!! The moral of the story is this: it is a no-win situation when dealing with some suffering from dementia. You can argue with them till you're blue in the face and STILL you lose. You can agree with them until the cows come home and STILL you lose. So try to let it go in one ear and out the other until such time as you can get this elder placed into an ALF. And then, like me, you'll only have to deal with the elder on a very limited daily basis.
Dementia normally reaches a point where it becomes way too much for the family to handle alone at home. That's why the Memory Care ALFs are popping up like spring flowers on every street corner in America these days. Look into some in your area, make phone calls, go in for a visit. Choose one that feels right to YOU and go from there.
Wishing you the best of luck & patience dealing with a difficult situation.
Talk about messing up your kids so they struggle for years as adults to deal with real and perceived 'guilt'.
As an adult, I can walk away. I did, a few weeks ago and may or may not feel like visiting her at Christmas.
Of the 6 of us, only my YB and I took the threats seriously, and trust me, they have shaped us as adults and not always in good ways.
I was serious about the earplugs. Or a bluetooth headset and you listen to podcasts, music, whatever. Dh has been WFH since April and he wears his headphones most of the day. I get the hint.
Please definitely get her or you in for some anti anxiety meds. During COVID, my PCP said he's shoveling Valium out the door like it was Tic-tacs.
A ER dump is not the best method right now. Er's are a hot mess--I was at the hospital yesterday for a FU PetScan and mammogram and the 'keeping it clean' forces were out in force--much more aggressive than the past. We just need to ride this out.
Good luck--if the weather is nice--even if it's not, get out for a walk or drive and stay away as long as you can.