For 2 yrs, my sister, (who has poa) and I shared the responsibility of caring for our 91 yr old Alzheimer's mom at mom's home.
Sis is a controlling person in every aspect of her life. Also has always been mom's favorite because mom feels anyone who goes to church is honest. Smh ...Sis's family, friends and church members are very aware of sisters controlling attitude.
A year ago, there were no meds in moms daily pill box for my Wed. caregiver day. I texted her 2x to let her know. No response either time. So, because it was 1 b/p and 1 cholesterol pill, I figured it wouldn't harm mom to miss one dose because I couldn't connect with sis. I knew she was filling up the med box the next day.
Sis got irate with me because I didn't call her instead of texting. Because I didn't call her, and because she didn't believe that there were no pills in the Wednesday box, she demanded my med box key back and for me to step back and away from mom. My feelings were hurt to say the least. I tried compromising with her that instead of stepping back, perhaps I could pick up groceries, set the garbage out, etc. She refused. She ghosted me. So because she now has mom's gate locked, It is basically a supervised visit for me when sister is there. I refuse to visit under supervision. I've done nothing wrong except not calling instead of texting. Sis truly believes she did not make mistake by not putting pills in the Wed. box. I have no reason to take mom's pills! So.. she basically has had to hire another caregiver and sis is forgetting to put pills in the box again. She believes she makes no mistakes and will never appologize for anything.
There are other happenings and new caregiver is stressed being around sis.
I know sis is stressed but she brings some of the stress on herself by being so controlling. No one can make simple decisions except her. Right down to moms favorite lunch meat that sis refuses to get her because it's too expensive! There are so many other problems. I know Mom pays for her own food and in my opinion, she has the right to have the kind of lunch meat she wants. Then we hear how tough sis has it. How do I handle this situation? For now, I've stepped back as ordered. I've not seen mom in a year. Sis has moms phone taken out because she can no longer use phone properly.
Any suggestions would be helpful to me. Thank you!
I truly DO NOT get why my YB is so attached to--and detached from mother at the same time.
We've gone through periods of time when he hasn't allowed any of the sibs to visit without him being present. Or allowing any of us to take her places.
Also, times when he has practically ignored her to the point she's calling for help (and since she has never bothered to learn my phone number, that's impossible for her to call me).
Personally, I think this comes from many years of either abuse, neglect, whatever you need to label it---my YB was really ignored by my mother to the point of it being abusive as he was growing up. So, now, he has her 'captive' in his home and she gets to go or do what HE will allow her to do.
It's sick, definitely. She's asked all of the remaining sibs at one time or another if she could live with us--that was a solid 'no' from all 4 of us. She CHOSE to live with YB 22 years ago and we were pretty upfront with how hard that could become. It's actually been, to my way of thinking, much WORSE in many ways.
I don't talk to YB about her, maybe once in a blue moon and I keep it low key. Sometimes I have a concern and pass it along to my other YB who can handle stuff without any emotion--but nothing changes.
You can't change sis and likely, if you did try to get involved, at this point? You won't ever see your mom again. Sis is reacting awfully hard to small things, isn't she?
Is there anyone else you could trust to even get a simple message through to mom? If you send her a card--sis would not give it to mom, would she?
I imagine sis IS totally burned out. My YB is. Instead of accepting help, he just growls and gets angrier. We all quit trying.
Your sis is controlling to the nth degree, as is my YB. It's actually, at this point, absolutely pointless to try to help. None of my remaining sibs are upset by YB's control, they simply don't care.
I have no advice, just sorrow that relationships have to be so HARD when they really shouldn't be. I'm sure you are grateful to sis for taking on what is a job that gets NO thanks. Maybe a letter to her, thanking for doing all this for mom would break the ice? Or maybe, at this point, you have to accept that you can't change sis.
Possibly some talk therapy for you would be helpful. A year is a long time to not speak to a LO. esp a parent, but you are not alone in that.
Very stressed people are often (and I blush for my own past behaviour) incredibly bad at delegating or even sharing tasks. When Other People Get It All Wrong, we reason (if you can call it reason), it takes more time than it saves and therefore it's easier just to do everything yourself, your own way, to your own impossibly high standards hem hem. And blame them.
My past sins in this respect helped me today when I and my co-worker were asked to help a very young client (only 19) have a shower. It was the first time this young lady had showered with anyone's help apart from her mother's, and she was a little nervous. But compared to her mother - !
Her poor mum has a full-time professional job and a household to cater for, full of student children and we all know how good they are at unloading the dishwasher and putting the laundry away. Mornings for her are a rush at the best of times, and this week she's on call as well, AND (though I hadn't the heart to tell her this) they're digging up the road on her route into town and there's a 10-minute traffic tailback... You can imagine.
Now, we have training in how to shower nervous clients without making them feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. Left to ourselves we could easily have reassured our young client, organised the bathroom and her clothes for the day, asked her what toiletries she prefers, and set about the business in a calm and cheerful way.
Sigh. It is difficult to shampoo your client's lovely hair when the bottle is snatched out of your hand, difficult to dry her when you're barked at for using the wrong towel, and difficult to position a turntable firmly but steadily when there is a cross parent snapping at you to do something which (until you've worked out what she actually means, rather than what she's saying) is physically impossible. Fortunately, I got internal giggles about how shockingly unreasonable poor mum was being which gave me time to remember why she was before it upset me, and my coworker had the good sense to keep well out of the way, and eventually we did get the job done and our client was happy to have got her shower, and with any luck next time our "supervisor" will just trust us to manage without her, um, help.
Anyway. You're right. It won't have done your mother the slightest harm to miss one dose of those medications, not an iota of harm. But it's not really about those, is it?
What else got said during the ensuing discussions?
Missing a day of blood pressure and cholesterol medicine is really no big deal. I would actually question her still receiving cholesterol meds. Statins have been proven to effect cognitive abilities. They also effect the liver enzymes. Once they are elevated, the patient should be taken off of them for good. I would question her PCP if they are still needed.