My elderly mother lives with my sister and husband and do not interact much with her other than feed her. Then complain thats all she does. My 84 year old mother was moved out of her house,by my sister's decision without letting the other siblings know, and nowlives with my sister and her husband. This sister made herself the power of attorney over mother's estate and has taken personal advantage of deciding to do with everything mother has ever owned without discussing it with her siblings. The sister is very stubborn about having her way and controlling irregardless of what others think. She's been like this since junior high school. You would think people mature and become more aware as they grow older. But that's not the case.
There are 2 other brothers and I, the other sister. I and the oldest brother live out of town and the youngest brother lives next door to my sister. They hardly if ever communicate. The sister does not discuss mother's care, etc. The only way you get any information, you have to ask - and at that, she questions "why do you want to know" or "that's none of your business.
We have all been quite concern for a very very long time, but because she is the agent/power of attorney since I suppose 1999, our hands are tied.
All mother does while living with my sister is stay in bed all day and night. They do not take her out. My sister does work during the weekday, but her husband is retired and is at home all day. On weekend, the sister goes to beautyshop/shopping/ showers/parties and outings leaving mother home alone. I've been informed by many people that mother is left alone and wonders who there to watch her.
When I come to town and visit, I feel somewhat uncomfortable - but it is there house. What concerns much is they complain that all she does is sleep all day. When mother gets up and wants to walk around, they question "where are you going" and complain that they don't understand why she's up. When mother wants to visit her son/my brother next door, they will say no one is at home. While the brother and his wife do work daily, my sister/husband should take her over when they are home just to get her out. But they complain about that.
Just recently, I surprisingly went to visit my mother on Thanksgiving Day, without telling them - although my brother knew. I really wanted to see mother and visit with her a while to get a feel for her mental, emotional and physical health. Upon driving up, I was overwhelmed at the 8 or so cars on my sister driveway/yard. When I entered everyone was in my sisters den enjoying the games, and mother was back in her room (very cluttered and designated as the junk room. My sister came out of the den, saw me and was of course shocked to see me there. I proceeded to mother's room. You can barely move around in the room. When I walked in, mother was lying in bed facing the wall. I said " mother, happy thanksgiving"
and she turned over smiled and called my name. I said "I came to see you for Thanksgiving". She was so happy to see me. Because I knew she would probably be left alone, I decided to spend the time with her. I even got on the bed, laid down near her and just talked about the good old days. She asked a lot of repeated questions (dementia) and all I could do was be on her page not mine - understanding that mother's not aware there she ask the same questions over and over. I was just happy and filled with job to be with her. She's a precious lady.
I have written earlier - regarding my sister moving her pastor in my mothers house and selling mother's car without letting any of the siblings know. Mother does not have the presense of mind and I feel that my sister is taking advantage of her by using the power of attorney to justify. The POA is not for my sisters desires, but to properly manage the estate of our mother according to mother's wishes. I think I need an attorney and try and get mother to revoke the POA.
Please give your thoughts and even suggestions. I want to act sooner than later.
My mom and sister have lived together for all of my sister's life which is around 45 years. They both love and hate one another and will curse at each other, and be mostly mentally abusive to one another one day, and then the next day you can't get them apart. My sister is loving but also very quick to anger (she has always been this way, this is not a recent development). Recently my mother fell and she has raging osteoporosis and every month breaks a bone in her back and is in and out of rehabilitation and hospitals.
My sister is and has always been maturity deficient. She has never held a job of any consequence (well she was fired for threatening a coworker with a knife when she was around 20). She has one passion which is doing nails. She has never been what I would call a mature person. She once weighed 502 lbs and after a gastric has shrunk to 200 and then up again to 300 lbs. I have a great admiration for her losing weight. I know, because I've been there. She has not changed her eating habits, and feeds mom the same terrible diet (Cheetos and bologna sandwiches).
I want her to realize the importance of caring for my mom now that she is elderly and infirm. I can't make her understand that although I know she loves mom and can't even imagine living without her, she has to know that the care she is giving her isn't sufficient. My mom is suffering with mental anguish because she can no longer 'fight' back during their arguments which seem to be growing because mom is having bathroom problems and my sister is continually cleaning up after her. So I consider my mom being emotionally, and mentally abused since she can no longer defend herself.
Some of the problems have been not helping her stay in communication with us through the phone and leaving my mom alone for days and hours on end - going on vacations, or to city events etc. without any backup care to my mostly bedridden mother. Not getting her to regular doctor visits, or dental visits (my mother's teeth all fell out due to the osteoporosis). The list goes on and yes, I complain and have been unable to do anything about it since for the past 40 years I have been on my own, with my own family and extended family and the stresses of life that come with that. I really can't take on one more stressor in my life. So what do I do? Just sit here and wait for the phone to ring. I would love to have mom come live with me, but at this late date, I just can't imagine breaking up this dysfunctional family of my mother and sister. I stay away other than the phone calls, because I just can't offer more with my present health, financial and family obligations.
I am not absolving myself of this situation - I just don't know what to do - I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.
If you buy your sister's house at fair market value, your sister will have to spend down those funds to get requalified for medicaid. ( the house is an exempt asset during her lifetime, but there will be a Medicaid lien on it when she passes).
I am sure your sister will love the 2 week "vacation", and your mom as well, since you said she is anxious to get away. How far away are you from your sister? Geographically, I mean.
You said, "What I choose to do is my affair and not yours."
Then why are you writing on this forum???? Pa-lease.
And even better.....
"I am a mature grown woman and will not allow you to define me in a negative way to the Aging Care community."
I think not. No one has to define you in a negative way to this community. You do a pretty good job of it yourself.
I, too, wish you the best, because your life is about to change, big time.
xo
-SS
SSutton, I wish you the best in what you plan to do. You paint a very pretty picture of what you THINK the situation with you caring for your mom will be like, all flowers and sunshine and good times. Unfortunately, as anyone here can attest to, reality can be a real bitch and hit you like a mac truck.
I hope this whole thing works out, I really do, for your mom's sake.
For some reason, today you seem to believe that you're saving your mother from something, but removing her from what is familiar and upsetting her routine may very well be the death of her. As a social worker, you should already be aware of that fact.
Whatever will you do when you tire of the role of savior? Better yet, whatever will your mother do? How will she fare so far away from her home and her real family? After all, she's been with your sister since 1999. The kind of adjustments that you are demanding from your mother are even more difficult now than they were in 1999. As a matter of fact, they're almost impossible.
You need to do some serious thinking about your mother and what is truly best for her instead of what you think you want. She doesn't need to be uprooted and then dumped if and when you find it is more than you really want to do. It is the epitome of selfishness to uproot her and tear her life apart because you have a problem with your caregiver sister.
Sometimes in order to disarm or curtail the enemy's dart, you simply move out of the way and eventually there is no one to project darts at anymore. I've read the comments from Mayasbop and just don't allow it to get next to me. I had a talk with the other family members and we are coming up with a plan. With a cool head and everyone thinking of the most common good, there is nothing impossible or too hard for God to fix.
Now once again to Mayasbop, take a moment and hug yourself. There is too much anger and hostility within you. You don't know me or my sister, and yet you behave as if you are in our affair. It's ok to vent and throw darts, but be careful. What you send out, it will project back to you. Back off and settle down. What I choose to do is my affair and not yours. I am and have been for weeks making preparations to have mother come (I will pick her up) and stay with me as long as she wants to. She (mom) says 2 weeks just to get away - I would love her to stay as long as she wants as the Lord allows. I live near a wonderful 1st rate hospital (10 minutes away). I have wonderful doctors and great networking system within the healthcare industry. I believe things will be just fine. Can't wait to start mother on a few chair exercise routines that we use to do when I lived with her for 7 months. Lying in bed 24/7 can cause muscle weakness as well as bone weakness. She loves for me to take her out and have ice cream or subway sandwiches. What a time we will have. I have a wonderful church and when mother becomes stronger, I'm hoping she will want to start going again. I have a way of getting her to do the things she use to like doing. She likes dressing up. ......... My dear friend (of 40 years) who is a caregiver and a nurse seems to think I'm on the right track. I'm so thankful for my friends. The encouragement is always good. Constructive criticism can be also. But I have no tolerance for hatefulness. So you see, I'm way ahead of you Mayasbop. Vent as you may, but please don't let it go too deep. I am a mature grown woman and will not allow you to define me in a negative way to the Aging Care community. Your comments are unfounded and false where I am concern. I forgive you for that.
I have much compassion for caregivers. I've been one. Whether for 7 months or 7 years - it's care giving. You do what you have to do. It helps if the attitude is right and try not to complain. I know it can be hard. But it's just like praying. Once you start, your attitude is lifted and you just try to get through each moment/day. Kind of like "Footprints in the sand". Huff and puff as you may. In the end everyone will be OK. Hope you are able to get some rest tonight. Tomorrow is another blessed day. Goodnight to all.
should think of other alternatives, people who live farther away
live far away and have for most of their lives, they made their choices long ago.
It's not new news!
But if someone is truly wanting to take someone to the doctor then that sister should let the other make the appointments and take the mother, it is their mother too.
Just because someone is a caregiver doesn't mean they have to shut people out.
The holidays are so stressful when people hurt and hurt each other
people need to mend, so joy can return, after all we all love our parents,
or want to love in general...
Some people know how to caregive but suck at delegating.
and some people have trouble with initiative, they have to be told,
but the human condition is never perfect, sometimes all that is necessary,
is forgiveness or directness...
Peace on Earth good will...
The only thing is
I'm not projecting squat onto anything. All I'm doing is telling what many caregivers on here go through all the time. You know, like her caregiver sister has....
You know, maybe you should go back and study the actual application of those very Christian qualities. Coming on a public message board and complaining about your sister who probably burned out a long time ago is the exact opposite of what those qualities embody.
At any rate, in my situation, I did my best to involve her other children. There were no takers, only criticism of what I do or do not do for my mother. My mother has a myriad of conditions and an open abdominal incision that has been open for over two years now and won't close.
The older sister who bailed is an LPN who thinks she knows everything until you ask questions and can't even begin to answer intelligently. She even went so far as to tell me that she and her retired military husband were expecting orders for Bulgaria to get out of helping with our mother. I made sure that all of the siblings as well as our mother knew about that whopper, especially since she'd told our mother's family that she and her husband had moved to the area we lived in so that they could help and had milked that for all it was worth.
Lady, I've got God on my side. Otherwise, I'd have run far away from all the drama that older sister has concocted to make life impossible for me. Contrary to the wishes of some, Mama is still alive and kicking. Her mind is fine and her possessions aren't ready to be loaded onto their respective trucks yet. We deal with her physical issues the best that we can. When the time comes, I'll be holding her hand on one side and her best friend from when I was a kid will be holding her other one. No one will have the time or the money or the courage to be here at the end, especially if they're all acting like little kids now.
By the way, I've done it all on my own without help, not because I didn't ask for help, but because the only help anyone else wanted to provide period was to take over her finances from a distance so that every penny spent is justified in their minds. I don't have time for that, nor does my mother's credit rating have time to wait until they get around to actually doing what they said that they'd do. The day to day isn't what they want to be involved in because it's messy and unnerving and all too sad. And yet, I've continued to try to keep them all informed. Maybe someday, they'll all grow up and learn that you can't run away from the hard stuff all your life and leave it up to others to do.
I've dealt with all you've talked about and I'm still taking care of my mother. My own health isn't the greatest, I'm broke, I'm worn out, I gave out, but I gathered up my pieces and kept on doing. I didn't take the easy way out.
Neither did your sister. She dug her heels in and did and still manages to have a Thanksgiving celebration. That is pretty doggone rare and I applaud her for it!
Oh, and by the way, I did not tell you (the Aging Care Community) that my sister took on taking care of an elderly Aunt for a cousin (her son) - who used my sister to take on their responsibility. Don't you see what was happening. The sister took on to much. They used her good. The Aunt died 2 1/2 years ago.There was a huge inheritance monetarily. They took it all and ran. Sadly, I had to hear my sister talk about that. You see, the sister even complained to me of what she was doing. I believe she over extended her self and had to vent and complain.
None-the-less, we (my brothers and I) all have done what we can and when we can. Why do we judge? That should be left to God, shouldn't it? I've said again and again, LET'S COMMUNICATE AND TALK ABOUT THE THINGS THAT NEED TO BE DONE, THE CARE NEEDED - whether it's grocery buying, taking mother out, bathing her, TAKING HER TO THE DOCTOR, etc. I'm glad I've been able to do those things and am willing and want to do them again and again. I just asked a week before Thanksgiving (during my weekly calls to my sister) "tell me what's been going on" - "Is there something I need to know" - "? mother's doctor appointments". It's still the same answer from my sister, "No we are just fine". But in truth, she (the sister) is not. So, Mayasbop, please make sure your facts are correct. But don't talk about the others, especially when you don't know what your're talking about objectively.
I remember listening to a sermon regarding temptation and sin. I guess you would say "What does this have to do with anything. Well, it does. The mind is the battlefied of thinking good and evil thoughts. So I just want to share this with all of you. The abbreviated letters were given: H. A. L. T.
We should stop and think when we are (H) Hungry - needing food, nourishment whether spiritual or regular food. Can't do much on an empty stomach; (A) Angry - when we are upset, mad, unforgiving- we tend to go in thoughts we should not; (L) Lonely - we feel neglected, all alone, no one cares - we tend to think no one wants to help - we are at our wits end; (T) Temptation - tempted to lash out and hurt people when we are hurting and even allow temper to set in because of unhappiness. If we just take a moment before acting on those, the negative thoughts will pass on by and you will gain God's courage to reach out in a more compassionate or positive way. Believe me, we all are going through or getting ready to go through something.
This is Advent Season - a good reason to believe in the Good and Blessings. Be fulfilled by love and peace, not the opposite.
Peace and Love.
And what about your other brother? The one who lives next door's time isn't completely taken up by the grandchildren either, I'm sure.
The fact of the matter is that your sister has done the vast majority of it all without your help, just your criticism. You have no right to sit back and find fault with ANYTHING your sister has done. Move your mother to your house and do all the care yourself if you truly mean what you say about wanting to care for your mother, but I seriously doubt that you'd do that. You just want the authority and none of the grunt work. Sorry, but the authority is where it needs to be, with the one who actually does the work. I don't blame your sister one whit for the way she acts. I've actually been there and done that with my own siblings.
Older sister wanted the final say in every purchase, but oops, someone forgot that her mother is in her right mind and able to do with her money what she wants. She didn't get what she wanted then and she probably won't get her way later on when she sends an intermediary to retrieve what she's decided she wants when our mother is gone.
though or denying people visits, in any case
you might want to call the senior abuse.
but I was her informal caregiver (no one asked me) and watched in horror, not thinking I could call the police, but I was trapped in the bedroom where, it all unfolded so quickly, the signing I mean of giving them POA.
They did pay her bills but they never care-gave only phone calls and visits once a month, but she needed caregiving 24/7 even though she was in the final months of a part-time job at age 82, her long term memory was fine, but she could not give meds or feed herself (she has a form of senior anorexia I call it, now).
They (4 out of five sibs) were happy to watch their mother waste away to nothing several times 95 lbs after weighing 123 and I watched them pull her out of the hospital with their POA's to this day, they still do not know what to do with her, on a daily basis and how much and how long the caregiving really takes. It cannot be done as a side note to living your own life, CAREGIVING TAKES A LOT OF TIME.
Consistent care takes alot of time, same routine different day just like the old ...
feed the newborn every four hours, but different...
but still as time consuming, but consistency works that way.
Everybody still doesn't know what to do, but we are still together.
Even in the AL she was going down, been home for 18 months now,
weight and outlook in life are up and she is doing well, nursing homes are not always the answer and I agree, PEOPLE SHOULD STOP CRITICIZING THE CAREGIVER. especially
when their job is already difficult.
Mother is up in age and she deserves better than a junk room. I even thought I might go there (visit/stay in a hotel) and offer to clean mother's room. That will be touchy. Just a week ago when I made a comment about I understand her working and not feeling up to calling to let me know how mother is, she became defensive and said what goes on in my house is nobody's business. That comment came from out of nowhere. I get that she might have had a rough day, etc. But believe me, we all have rough days and sometimes when you walk in your own door, it can be trying. So, just to let you know I do understand. Sometimes it hard to receive help if you've been independant and want to be in control of it all. That's where humbling should kick in. I'm determined to work things out. You can count on it. Love can heal a multitude of shortcomings. That includes me as well.
Again, thank you for the objective comments and positve attitude.
God bless.
If this were my mother, I would first consult Elder Services and explain the entire situation, including your sister refusing to speak to you and canceling the insurance. It shows her state of mind. She's refusing to communicate and cutting your mother off from her children. You want to contribute to your mom's care but can't.
Elder Services can guide you in your next steps. They will probably tell you you need to get legal help. You're in a great financial position to get the best attorney.
Whatever you do, don't stoop to sis's level. Treat this as you would treat a job. Keep your cool and keep smiling (even as you grit your teeth).. And, referring back to my first post, start visiting mom on a regular basis and have brother do the same. Plan activities you think she can handle. Locate an adult memory-care daycare in her area and set it up. Your brother next door may need to get involved in working with sister on the daily chore of getting mom to go and interacting with the daycare.
Sit-down with your brothers after you talk to Elder Services and discuss a plan. Let sister keep mom if you think she's safe, but let her know kindly that you and the brothers are taking part in mom's life, then let her know how you will help. Hopefully, with an attorney's help, you can get financial info, figure out a budget, etc. And set sister straight on exactly what she can and can't do legally. Good luck. Don't give up.
I do believe my 2 brothers love my sister and certainly I do too. But she chose or made the decision to not include us from the beginning. To additionally set the record straight. Someone asked, why did you leave in 2005? In 2005, my goal was to move in and take care of my mother. I had and still do have a business of 25 years that I operate and manage back at my home far away. So to take a leave for 7 months was a sacrifice - one which I made a decision to do where my mother's well being was concern. Upon moving into mom's home, my sister was there and I asked, "what is the budget", because any one knows you must manage your finances (income/expenses). My sister replied, "we don't have a budget" and she said it in a resentful way. I certainly did not understand where that was coming from. So, I told her that mother being on a fixed income we must work with a budget. My sister's comment was "well, we don't have one". I let that alone. Then there was discussion of taking mother to doctor's appointments. I said "I will take her, just give me the schedule/doctors appt. etc. When I called the doctor for my self and asked questions letting them know I'm living with my mother and will be responsible for taking her to her appointments and also needed to know her medical information. They (the nurse) said "I'm sorry but Ms. ------- (not disclosing my sister's name) does not have any of you down for disclosing info". I said "but I'm her daughter". They said "I'm sorry you will have to check with your sister". I did not get angry, but I made it clear to her that she should include all of mother's children regarding mother's care. And by the way, I do understand HIPPA. I've worked in marketing as a physician liaison for home health care agency and hospice. But my sister was taking matters too far. I had that situation changed and mother then in her 70's agreed.
Another instance, while staying with my mother for the 7 months, my car insurance had expired and to save a long trip from returning to my home far away, I asked mother who did she use for her car insurance. She said All State. Mother gave me the info/phone number and I called them. They, the insurance people, were very nice and welcoming. In the discussion they asked me numerous questions regarding how long will I be living there, etc. After much discussion, they stated "since you are going to be living there, your policy will be separate but because you are at the same address, you will be helping your mom and that means her policy will decrease somewhat." The agent also said (without my saying anything) "since you are also living with your mother and your car will be parked in the garage and you and your items are in the house, why don't we put you on the homeowners insurance with her"? I stated "why do I need to do that"? The agent said, "if there is a fire or catastrophic incident, etc, your life would be covered as well as your mom and your cars". I did think of that - I mentioned it to mom and it was a done deal. Days or a week later when the mail came, I saw my name under mother's name on the insurance invoice/bill. Placed it on the counter for mother to view her bills. My sister came over took mother's bill to her house. A few days later, my sister came over, did not speak, just past by me to mother's room - said a few things to mother and left. The next day I received a call from the insurance agent, stating regrettably my sister called then and went to the agency; threatened them that if they did not take my name off the policy, that she would use her POA against them. The poor woman was so disturbed by my sister's behavior and said "I was only trying to do good business for you and your mother and did not see anything wrong with including me on the homeowners insurance". Sadly, I was removed. It truly did not dawn on me that my sister was thinking way too deep and selfishly negative - that if any thing happened, I would inherit the house since my name was on the policy. How insane! God be my witness, I never, never, never thought of anything like that. All I wanted on that day was car insurance which I paid for. My sister would not speak to me from that time one. I would even call her and say we and brother next door should sit down and discuss mother's care, budget etc., thinking we could have a good discussion. You may be surprise what her comment was - "I don't have time and what do we need to talk about"?.
So you see, sadly, most of you have it so very wrong. And just so you also know, I don't appreciate the cursing comments against my brother. We are mature adults and that's not needed. I will defend him because I know the truth, .... you do not. Unless you are residents of their town and living in their neighborhood - back off. Here's the deal! My brother works also - unscheduled shifts. He just recently had prostate surgery and was out for 3 months. In addition, he and his working wife care for and keep 3 grand children (from ages 4,5, 14) since the children were toddlers. My brother just went back to work. They are good people. ---- And as for those hating on me and the reason I returned back to my home after 7 months of taking care of my mother - my business, lively hood needed checking on. And also, just to keep it real, I had to return - I was discovered with a diagnosis of breast cancer by my doctors and needed to be treated immediately. It was a blessing to detect stage 1. I had surguries (3 of them) and weeks of radiation. I, along with my church, wonderful friends and God conquered! I am cancer free. I did not share this with my sister or mother. My concern was I did not want to burden or cause them to worry. I knew I could handle my ordeal. But much later when I did tell my sister. She made no compassionate statement of my wellbeing nor hug or any of that. Not that I needed it. I was already prayed up, loved up and cured up. But I did observe her lack of interest or compassion. So, friends, stop the hating! Most of you are just don't know what's truly going on. I understand that people tend to vent and go toward what they feel is the underdog. But, please stop the negative venting.
These are the facts. There isn't anything I would not do for my family. They all know I've been there 100% for them. Even the sister knows this. She has a house full of furniture that I gave her - no charge. She's just controlling and stubborn, and has been this way since junior high school days. Believe me there is so much more and I will not discuss her personal business. The home town community knows how she is. The church we grew up in knows this. The relatives know this and so does the family. You do not have a clue! No one is complaining, we are trying tokeep things in check. You see ---- even in our democracy, we have checks and balances. The Judical Branch - the Supreme Court; the Legislative Branch - the Congress; and the Executive Branch - the President of the United States, and neither of them can not act without checks and balances. We all learned this in American History. They must adhere and communicate with each other. It keeps our democracy transparent and honest. Forgive me if I seem sarcastic, I don't mean to be. There is no hate for the sister, we just want her to communicate with us. It is the right thing to do. She's taking POA at a whole new level. ......... and for the person who wondered if the pastor is paying rent. No! When I asked my sister, she said "he is not". She says he's doing repairs. Let's be open and honest about it. And, oh yes, I did contact the insurance agent. They did not know the man is living in my mother's house. And if there is ever a fire, etc, who wonder's if the preacher will be covered or even sues the family for any losses. He is not on the homeowners insurance. Believe me this can get messy and is complicated. My mother is my interest. That is why we have questions that the sister needs to give answers to. We want to know is there a contract? I can quarantee mother does not have the presense of mind to inquire about these things. And, as for someone stating, "we are concern about losing our inheritance." Don't you know "In my Father's House there are many mansions". Who ever died and took things with them? It's never been about the inheritance. It is about honesty, communicating with family members, caring for mother and behaving righteously under God. There should not be anything to hide. God knows and sees all.
Thanks for the good concerns. Peace!
Thanks for the extended version. At least now we have a bit more to work with. I read your post last night and two more times so I would not jump the gun on a response. Here's my thoughts, in kindness:
From what I see from your words your sister is a mixed bag of feelings too. She probably has done some things that were not appropriate with the POA, like the preacher moving into the house and such. But she provided her preacher a home, got someone in the home to help keep it safe from potential deterioration or vandalism, and maybe is getting a little rent money too. Being a preacher, he's better than renting the house out to Billy Bob Beercan and Martha MooCow and the three little rascals. A house fairs better lived in than left unattended.
Your sister feels like she is the decision-maker since she was the one who stepped in to become that. We all choose our paths, and she chose caretaker and all that came with it.
Most any caretaker on this forum can tell you that it's not all warm and fuzzy, even though there is an element of that in it. It is work, it is SACRIFICE and it is getting badmouthed and chastised and lied about. It causes resentments and pain. It is a target for accusations from non caregiver siblings. Anybody with a POA or a DPOA might as well wear a bullet proof vest and an armor shield cos the shits gonna fly. It always does. The caretaker should not have to be under fire, but even the best of them are, and most walk a tight line keeping track of every dime spent along with receipts in case one of the non-caregiver siblings wants to see an accounting of Moms money. To do that, they have to get a court order, but believe me, it happens. And then there are the ones who are on the opposite end, and simply have zero shits to give anymore. That is my position. I dare my siblings to call an accounting... So now your sister may feel the same way as me, and not shiv-a- git what any of you or your brothers think, however she also wants to avoid the subject and the conflict it will bring.
You, and your brothers, have all been a vague part of the scene-- in and out at will, not there when she needs or wants you. She can't count on you. Or the brothers. She has resolved to count on herself and if you dare question her now, she will be on the defensive. Believe me, she thinks of things she'd like to say to you too, but keeps her mouth shut for Moms sake.
If you truly want to be involved with your Mom, there are two things you can do:
You and your sister will have to go through an emotional battle between you two if you want to break through her wall and end up resolved. It will NOT just happen through general conversation or over lunch. .. There will be anger, and tears. She is probably going to unload on you. Too much resentment and pent up animosity stand in the way of mutual agreement. You want to see Mom, you want to be included in knowing how she is and the freedom to be with her, then you either have to face the issues your sister has head on, listen to her, take what she has to say very seriously, and acknowledge you understand. Do NOT threaten to try to change POA, do not accuse, do not attempt to do anything less than praise her for the work she has done. But be ready for what comes...
Second, and this is the highest choice:
Look at your sister the same way, and with the same eyes as Jesus would. Find the good and let go out the details. Get yourself out of the way. Don't look at the past, its finished. Look at the present moment only and create your future from that point on.
If my sisters could approach me with love instead of accusations, questions and inquiry, we'd be one big happy family. In the meantime, I'll take care of our Mom. Neither of them can, nor do they want to. They just want her money to pile up so they can have it when she dies. Yes, I have that in writing from one of them. So I'm spending it. I decorate the garden outside her window, I buy her new bedding, sheets, towels and boy can she go through underwear..I get her anything she wants to eat or drink, I stock up on stuff so she has extra and yes I keep 600.00 a month out for me for her room and board. Oh that that irks my sisters...how dare I ? It was okay when Mom was in the nursing home they kept all of her SS check except 35.00 a month. But me, having any of it just drives them crazy and they think it should go into n account to divy up after she passes. Not gonna happen. Whatever is left I will most likely donate to the Humane Society. Not sure yet.
Tell me, have your thoughts rolled in that direction at any time? Be honest. Have you been resentful that your inheritance is being 'blown'. because your sister controls the money?
And like you, I am open to being corrected. I am most malleable and if I have overstepped my bounds, I am open to listen.
First, though, spending a healthy chunk of time with your mom now would give you a better understanding of her needs now instead of what you remember them being a while back. I don't recall if you mentioned whether you are still working. If not, take a month and spend it at the next-door brother's place. Staying at your sister's would only add to an already-stressful situation. YOU take care of your mom the entire time your sister is at work, including the time it takes her to get ready for work. Having dinner ready for when she gets home would also be greatly appreciated.
If you're still working, then take 2 weeks vacation & do the above. Either way, you will experience first hand exactly what your sister has been experiencing all this time. And you will quickly get PO'd at your lazy-ass brother who lives next door and doesn't help out. HE should be the one taking your mom for outings, visiting with her, taking over some - any - of the daily care for your mom. Why should your brother-in-law do it? Just because he's retired doesn't mean it absolves the other 3 children of their responsibility re her care. Your mom had 4 children, and all 4 are responsible for her care & wellbeing, regardless of where they live and how inconvenient it is for them. I hope the long-distance ones are calling MOM - not sis - once a week just to chat. If not, shame on you.
After you've been with Mom for 2-4 weeks and you truly understand her needs NOW, I am sure you will have some very good and realistic suggestions. However, just having suggestions isn't enough -- you will need to come up with solutions for those suggestions as well, or else the entire exercise would be in vain. You can't just dump the suggestions on your sister's lap and expect her to take it from there. If she had the time, etc., she would already have done it. You - and maybe your brothers - would need to research, interview, etc. You, with your social worker background and experience, might be the best one to do this, as you speak the lingo.
Don't forget when making up these suggestions that there are FOUR of you that can help out. Yes, even those of you who aren't living within close proximity of your mom. It's certainly not fair to expect just your sister to be caring for your mom 24/7, nor is it fair to expect only the 2 siblings living next door to each other to be solely responsible. There are 4 of you who need to share in this, and even long-distance support is invaluable. That said, taking over POA should not be one of the responsibilities taken over by a long-distance son/daughter when an elderly parent is living with another son/daughter. It is unbelievably expensive caring for an elderly parent. The food bill alone is incredible. My mom who is 93 and had dementia eats every 2 hours during the day. She is alone at night and we put out food for her "just in case she gets hungry" and it is always gone by the morning. (She can't cook for herself.) Add to that extra heat, hot water, electricity, etc. and the costs just keep mounting up for your sister. Of course you mom should be expected to pay for these extra costs, in addition to her own expenses (clothing, Depends, etc.).
At the very least, your mom needs an aide about 4-5 hours a day, Mon-Fri. The lazy-ass, next door brother should do the Saturday "shift". That still leaves your sister with the bulk of your Mom's care, but it's a start. Believe me, your mom's needs are increasing and changing daily, with some days requiring more care/supervision than other days. They will in no way diminish, so the time is now to start figuring out how to help. Think of it as helping your mom, not as helping your sister.
Again, focusing on the positives of what your sister has done all these years and not the negatives is a very good way to open up the lines of communication. Your sister doesn't have the time or energy to deal with negative comments or finger pointing. Each day is a challenge to survive & make it thru. That show "Survivor" is nothing when compared to a day in the life of a caregiver. And your sister is working a full-time job, too? God bless her. Nobody is taking advantage of your mom; it is your sister who is being taken advantage of.
Lastly, are you on Facebook? If so, there is a very good group called "Memory People" I suggest you join. It is an Alzheimer's and dementia support group comprised of patients, caregivers, advocates and family members sharing journeys with each other, seeking comfort and understanding, and receiving support. Like this site, it is extremely helpful.
I hope this helps. It was written in the spirit of being helpful, not in being judgmental. Good luck! It is a journey we are all on. And not always a pleasant one, that's for sure.
I'm sorry, but you cannot compare what you've done to the massive amount of care your sister has given. Nor do you have the right to expect your sister to do everything while you cherry pick what and when you'll deign to help.
By the way, who cares how well you married? That statement and two bucks will buy you a cup of coffee at IHOP. It means nothing in the scheme of caregiving.