I am one of 4 children- 3 daughters and a brother who is the oldest. My mother is 93 widowed, and living alone. She cannot care for herself anymore. Attempts to discuss living alternatives (moving in with one of us, moving to a home in close proximity to one of us, assisted living, etc.) have been a total waste of time because she cannot/will not make decisions. My single brother (from out of state) flies down and visits every few weeks, and we appreciate that. We daughters live closer to her, but she has hoarded. She does not want us there because we tried to convince her to let us clean and organize. There is stuff from floor to ceiling and wall to wall. No room at the kitchen table to even put down a plate. There are paths to get from one room to another and all other rooms are full and no room can be used for its purpose except the bathroom.
We gave up on trying to clean, but we tried earlier this year to get our brother to discuss her declining condition with us and with her and hopefully, convince her to find a safer alternative. She trusts him the most, so we needed his help. The $#*! hit the fan between siblings and years of resentment came to the surface. As the youngest, I was not much a part of that screaming argument, however, my brother is not speaking to any of us. My mom seems to have personality changes- she is being mean and she seems different. She seems to think we were trying to put her in a nursing home because she keeps saying things like "Why don't you go volunteer in a nursing home?! See how they abuse old people!!" I was not trying to put her in a nursing home. One of my sisters suggested assisted living or at least looking at one. I suggested adding a room addition to my home and letting her live with me- at least someone could come and help at my house- she won't allow ANYONE in her house- not for any reason.) It is taking an emotional toll on me because I no longer feel loved by my mother and I feel betrayed by my brother. (I believe he is using his role as "the good one" to take all the inheritance while maligning me and my sisters.) All three of us have offered to help her- I offer to bring fresh milk and produce or whatever she needs, I offered to help her bathe once a week, I told her she could live with me...but she tells me not to come. (It's too far... You're too busy...I have everything I need...and so on.) She has never really allowed me to help. She actually gets mad when I come because the house is so full of stuff and clutter that she does not want my kids to come and she does not want to tell me not to bring them. I can't win. There is a (perhaps) unhealthy or at least odd relationship between my mom and my brother. He never married and never had a relationship that we know of. My mom has pitied him and been pining over him all his life. As a result my oldest sister (close to his age) always felt unloved. I'd call it sibling rivalry except for the fact that it has become painfully obvious that my mother really did favor him because he continues to evoke her pity as a 63 year old man. I don't expect my mother to live much longer, and I have no idea what I am supposed to do when that time comes. What do siblings who do not speak do when their only remaining parent dies? I don't know if she is leaving anything to me. If not, that is okay but I don't know. I hoped to get the childhood pictures of myself if nothing else. I also don't know what to do if I am the sibling who finds that she has passed away. I do not know any of her wishes because she has never shared them. I think the only one who knows anything is my brother, but we do not speak. I am wondering if I should end my relationship with both of them. What do people do when this kind of thing happens?
So I know where you come from on all fronts.
Don't forget she's your mother. I think the room(can you add a bath too) is a great solution. If your mom's house is paid off have her come for stays. If you can get c her house(not throw out)just clean while she's "visiting" that would help in multiple areas. Eventually she can stay longer and longer and it doesn't have to be called a move. You be the bigger person. It's usually us youngest siblings that are the caregivers.I think thats God's plan. Pm me if you want. Hope this helps. The less my brother and his spoiled family are in our lives the better for us.
The key to dealing with the clutter from hoarding tendencies is to approach it very patiently and systematically, AND to keep the overall plan to yourself. Focus on cleaning anything you can but start slow; some degree of purging may come later or not at all. While it might be inconvenient to you to have to shuffle things around to clean initially, being willing to respect her mode of living should build some trust between you. Clean and organize one refrigerator shelf first and make sure to seek pre-approval to discard any obvious spoiled items. In my experience, the contrast between the neat and shiny shelf and the other grimy, cluttered ones, reminds the person of how their life used to be and encourages them. She will probably ask you to clean another one. The same goes for counter or table tops. Without discarding anything, just remove the clutter to clean a small area and then neatly restack or sort with you mother's help or permission.
She can't get the impression that you are planning to upend her environment to suit your needs. She will refuse any help with that approach. You must go very slowly so that she will still feel a sense of control over her world.
I hope this helps.
Definitely see about borrowing and scanning or photographing your childhood photos.
I also am part of a family where the siblings don't speak to one another. I'm the youngest of my parents' three daughters and I have two step-siblings. I was my father's and step-mother's caretaker when they were on hospice until their death four years ago. For reasons they won't fully explain, my two older sisters do not speak to me or my children, want nothing to do with us and it has been that way for about 20 years. They told my parents not even to mention my name but also would not give any good reason why. It used to hurt and confuse me, then it pissed me off. Now I feel resigned; it is sad but it's their loss and I think I'm better off without them. Actually one sister I never missed - she has always hated me, been verbally and physically abusive to me and says I ruined her life by just being born. In fact, at my dad's funeral she repeatedly told people she is going to kill me or have me killed, she insulted people, threatened others, including my son who was videoing the ceremony. My father's doctor said she is mentally ill, a psychopath, and other family members tell me she is getting worse. Thankfully, she lives a long way away from me. I know it sounds terrible, but I honestly hope she dies before my mom so I and the rest of us won't have to deal with her whenever my mom passes. Somehow I think she is so mean she may outlive us all! My oldest sister and I were always closer, so that estrangement bothered and confused me more than anything. Anyway, thankfully my dad and stepmom had a trust that provided equally for my siblings and step-siblings. My mom has a trust that also provides equally for my sisters and I. When my dad went on hospice and was getting his affairs in order, he reviewed his trust documents and saw that my step-brother was designated as trustee. He never cared much for my step-brother because he felt he was a con man and so was upset about it he called his lawyer to try to change the trustee to my oldest (sanest) sister. The lawyer said he couldn't recommend that, because my dad had already suffered a stroke, was continuing to have them and so could be considered incompetent to make that change meaning the siblings could have cause to contest the change. It really upset my dad, and it was so sad to see him deal with that. My dad was absolutely right: my step-brother was dishonest, disbursed only part of the proceeds of the trust and kept the rest, never gave us an accounting of the trust despite our requests for it, and did not tell us their property had sold. I called the company and discovered it had been sold five months prior so called him and asked him what the heck and that he needed to disburse the funds. He took his time (three weeks more) before doing so, and still had other funds from my parent's bank accounts and certificate of deposit that he never disbursed to us nor accounted for. None of us had the funds to hire a lawyer to pursue it, as the lawyer said it would be very complicated to pursue: my parents' trust was created in Oregon, my sisters, stepsisters and I live in California and my step-brother lives in Mississippi. Anyway, to me the issue is not the actual money nor that I did more for my parent's than any of my siblings but that my step-brother was dishonest with my parent's money, just as my dad had been concerned about. However, it was rather annoying that the siblings only show up to claim their share, and the psycho sister obsessively took things not because she needed or wanted them, but just so I wouldn't have them. It was all SO stressful I don't want a repeat of it. My mom designated me as her successor trustee and I have POA, am also on her checking accounts but she still handles all her own finances and keeps making errors. She thinks it is the computer and not her errors. At some point she may let me take over but I doubt it. She's a control freak
All to say, the hurt and pendulum can swing both ways and the best thing I ever heard is, "You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family." All of us who've been hurt must move on forward and keep those undermining siblings away by any legal means necessary. best wishes to you all in the New year.
Second - If she is no longer safe to live alone then do something about it - when you and your siblings were children your mother made decisions that you objected to, but she made many of them for your safety and health reasons - and you are going to have to make decisions for her, about her safety and well-being.
Third - If your brother refuses to have any part in her care, get your sisters together (Insist on it and don't take no for an answer) and decide what to do. My Grandmother was not able to live alone so her 6 children each took her for a month at a time (told her they needed her to help with things - although she was no help). So each child had her a month at a time, twice a year. With 3 sisters this would mean a month at a time, 4 times a year.
When she started fussing about going home they convinced her they were too busy today and would take her in a few days. This kept her reasonably happy and definitely safe (her two story home was cluttered by her hoarding, and she was no longer safe on stairs) her children cleaned it out and eventually sold it and used the money for her care (she had a lot of medical bills, and this was before medicare) - never telling her that it had been sold.
You have to overcome the idea that you have to mind your mother (especially when she cannot or will-not make good safe decisions) Don't wait for a tragedy to happen, assume the role of parent to her. It may take some getting used to, but it looks like you have no choice.
Whoever is power of attorney (if mom has a will) calls the shots, for good or for worse.
Who pays her rent, or taxes, or bills now? At 93, someone else is obviously handling it... and with financial say-so comes the POA.
Parents believe many things over 'hellish nursing homes' they may have indeed seen at one time. They can't conceive of today's newer places or assisted living that are available. ( Or today's stricter restrictions on places regarding care levels.) My dad hoarded having lived through the great depression. (They don't see it as hoarding whatsoever.) They kinda get stuck and don't want help... or a move.
Siblings see things how they choose to see things - sad but true. Parental favoritism and codependency exists even in small families of two kids. If it is the 'favorite only son' (no surprise there) who is the POA- then it is what it is. He indeed might have done things in his own favor over the years... having her sign everything over to him or whatever. (No wonder he doesn't want any contact with other sibs...)
I would ask mom if you can have photos of yourself asap -as they are of no interest to anyone else... and get them in hand before ' dumping day' when the time comes to go through all of the stuff. Those ARE yours. Get them when you can.
It is a grieving process for you... the whole sad situation. The frustration with family... mom's freedom of choice yet at her age... your limited options and control of things... you are grieving for what was, what is, and for what could have been. It is a lonely path and is very painful.
Mom raised you... but whatever her words, choices or actions - it has no bearing on your 'lovability' or value as a person. She did the 'best' that she could with the tools and background that she had. (Even if it damaged everyone else.) You survived -and know what NOT to do with your own family. Keep looking forward, not backwards. Grieve this, too. It may be a long process to heal in this area.
You can state your wishes assertively ( without venting) to each of your siblings in writing - and hope they at least inform you when she passes. You could request a memento or two for your own kids and family to have as something of 'grandma's' that might be granted, who knows. You can request to know if mom even has a will or who will be executor of the 'estate' when she passes. Maybe no one else in the family knows either. Maybe brother will move into her place and keep everything....who knows! Don't be surprised if he does that.
I was written out of my widowed mom's will 5 years ago because she was angry at me for not doing what she wanted/demanded me to do ( to return to my own abusive marital situation when SHE said to... of all things! - ummm, NO, mom.... sorry, not your call there...) yet my only older sister who is the DPOA - and gets everything that there was and is to get- still expects my help in many areas regarding mom's care and visiting ... in which I do what I can, when I can, and what is right to do.
"Oh well!" I would not deself to mom's demands, and if the cost is 'stuff' ... so be it. My personal self-respect is worth much, much more than any stuff.
Dysfunctional families are sadly more common than not.
You can still choose to reach out to your siblings (mail or email), in a business kind of way -even if they do not do so in return. At the end of the day, you will know that you at least tried and did what was right. We reap what we sow. You sound like you care the most. You can still have self-respect even if no one else gives a hoot about you. Their choices need not define who you are.
All the best to you.
Jane
You can get an emergency guardianship/conservator with the Court and the doctors' diagnoses. NO ONE IN YOUR FAMILY WILL HAVE A CHOICE OR SAY IF THE COURT FORCES THIS AND/OR THE DOCTORS.
You may or may not need an attorney to help you with the Conservatorship/Guardianship especially if it is done as emergency.
Research your State Laws, very easy to do this and just go for it.
I am Guardian/Conservator for our Mother and my siblings only talk to me when they think something isn't being done for her i.e. TV isn't working; well you stay there all day to make sure our stepfather doesn't de-program the remote at least 3-4 days a week dumb ___! I live out of State, 2 siblings live in State and 1 also lives out of State.
Screw your siblings and do what you need to do for your Mother.
If you're able to offer caring for her in your home, that fact alone says that a. you have done all right with your life and b. your heart is in the right place. All the rest, well, that's on them.
[ You said: "I feel betrayed by my brother. (I believe he is using his role as "the good one" to take all the inheritance while maligning me and my sisters.)" ]
Lauren88:
Trust your gut.
I have heard clients use these exact words many times, and they were always correct.
Your brother being so secretive is a clue that he is about to commit financial elder fraud by coercing your mother to give him everything. She may already have done this, or has a joint bank account with him or she has signed something that designated him power of attorney over your mother.
Some of my clients have told me that an adult brother had the mother sign papers without informing her that she needs to read the papers.
The most likely person to commit elder fraud is an adult son.
The sisters are almost always cut out because a lot of mentally disturbed mothers favor sons. Only mentally disturbed parents would have a favorite child that they actually give more to. A normal parent may have a favorite but will still treat all children equally from a financial perspective.
The fact that your mother has ALWAYS played favorites indicates that she may have had a personalty disorder. These disorders exist on a spectrum from minor to major.
If the disorder is minor, she can put on a mask that hides it for years. Then however, as the person ages, their mask slips more often and their true personality shines through.
Can you bring your mother to a doctor to have her evaluated for Alzheimers. If she is diagnosed with that, you may be able to have her declared incompetent and then an elder care attorney can overturn any existing POA your brother may hold.
AND MOVE ON.tHERE IS NO SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEM.IT'S OUT OF
YOUR CONTROL. FOR THE TIME BEING TRY TO STAY SANE BECAUSE WHEN
SHE DIES THAT WIL BE THE TIME YOU WILL REALLY HAVE TO BE INVOLVED.
Regarding wills, I have read that if a will is filed with the county it's public information and you can get a copy. But your mom may not be that organized...
My mother has always favored my siblings and anyone who sucks up to her. My brother is a lifelong alcoholic and sister is a sociopath who never visits or calls, just uses my mother. Thus my mother is giving chunks of her estate to my siblings, their spouses and kids. There may be a little bit for me but she's always been jealous of me and I've sensed since I was a teenager that she wanted to leave me out. She has narcissistic personality disorder and jealousy and delusion are part of their mental makeup.
I've never been able to get through to my mother and she can't see things as they are--it's as though her mind is sheathed in a thick wall of rubber. She won't accept help and I don't enjoy her so I have begun to stay away and that feels right after 62 years of banging my head against the wall.
Now that we can all talk openly over the internet it comes to light that there are lots of these unbalanced situations in the world. Because there are so many mentally ill or unfair parents, I see many benefits to mandatory inheritance laws.
My husband and I worked hard for our money and don't want anyone telling us what we have to do with it. Just more government involvement where it's none of their business.
My mom wouldn't even cross the street to pee on me if I was on fire, her boys were everything, I showed her, I made a success of my life and don't need or desire anything from her. It is the best solution.
You need professionals at this point.Go to the nearest hospital and as to speac to a Geriatric SOCIAL worker.Then a Meeting with all siblings.Also the Fire departmet because at this point what it can happen GOD FORBIDS...IS A FIRE...AND YOUR MOM CAN GET HURT...
THAT IS MY TRUE CONCERN...SHE CAN GET HURT IN THOSE CONDITIONS.
SOCIAL WORKERS CAN CREAT A TEAM AND ALL IS GOING TO WORK OUT.
IT HAPPENED TO ONE OF MY CLIENTS ...SHE FELL AND BY THE TIME THE WEEKEND GIRL CAME IN THE MORNING THE CLIENT END UP MONTHS IN THE HOSPITAL THEN REHABILITATION and finally in a NURSING home...Please get INMEDIATEDLY a Social Worker.Think only in your mom...your brother and sisters after a meeting with professionals will need to help from A to Z...
Many blessings and a better new 2019 to you all amen
Thankfully I had no siblings and had POA and I was set up as her Excutor and am her only survivor.
In your case is there a Will, is there a Power of Attorney and is there a medical directive I’m place?
As for your Mom. You are now dealing with a child and that is the best way to understand her situation. The person you have now is no longer responsible for her actions and is no longer capable of making good decisions.
If your Mom has a Dr. who has been involved and will provide you with documentation of her condition physically and mentally then start there.
Forget about trying to keep everyone happy. Take care of yourself first and then focus on what is best for Mom.
If there is no Will check to see what state law is and you may also speak to your local Deeds and probate offices to see what happens in case of no Will.
Talk to a good Elder care attorney but do not hire them.
Ask questions and have a list. Then make your decisions. If you feel Mom will live for quite a few more years then there are some things you really need to do.
Speak to Social Service’s and have her evaluated. Ask them to interven and to grant you guardianship. You should at that time be able to make financial and personal decisions for your Mom then.
If you are unwilling or unable then DSS can take charge or if agreeable then “one” of your siblings.
Contact DSS yourself and
use their guidance.
If you decide to take care of her yourself then make the decisions based on her required care and your and her best interest.
You can set up an elder care agreement (ask the lawyer) and get guidance about how to write it up from articles on line. We were charging Mom $3000 a month for care, room etc 24 hours.
When you speak to DSS about Medicaid they will y’all to you about paying down her assets (also lawyer).
If you plan on Mom eventually moving into a nursing home then you will need to prepare by getting her paid down and looking at all of her assets before hand. If not the DSS can basically take it all or most of it toward her care.
This is why a Will is important. If she has a Will and you get very little then paying you for care is key. It does two things. It gets her paid down within the limit of eligibility for Medicaid and it gives you a way to claim your rightful amount of the estate at death. If Mom can no longer pay you then you place a claim against the estate.
So hard decisions. Yes your siblings are going to be upset. So be it. If they really love you and Mom then they will evrnpinderstand. If not their not worth the effort. Too many times the one who takes care of Mom gets nothing on the end and the least caring one get most or all. Get what you deserve, take care of yourself and Mom as best you can and let the others deal with their own problems. If they don’t like it tough.
Hope this is all helpful.
Please keep us updated.
Do NOT have your mother live with you (as you offered to do). Your sister tried that and it didn't work. Why would it be any different for you?
If you do get APS involved, please come back and let us know what happens.
Step up and call APS....good luck....take care of yourself....
Been there, done that...
My suggestion would be to write a snail-mail letter addressed and sent to all the siblings, saying that one of you is quite likely to find her after her death (and I am assuming that she is in her 90s). Say that it would be good to know what that person should do, and in particular if there is a will with an executor. Say that it would be a good idea to keep in contact about the practical issues, even if you all don't want a close relationship.
Clearly the interpersonals are now very complicated. If you keep your letter totally business-like, it may work better. The contacts will have to be made when your mother dies, and it would be a great deal better to have a plan in advance.
My Mom is in the earlier stages of dementia, so she's still coherent enough to tell us what she does and doesn't want. (As a side note she was a severe hoarder for many, many years. The only thing that stopped it was when we took away her car she couldn't go out and buy anymore.)
I think when our parents tell us what they want, we need to believe them. Your Mom has told you she doesn't want your help, and I think for now you should just respect her wishes and step away from the situation. There's nothing for you to feel bad or guilty about, she just doesn't want your help right now. If at somepoint she asks for help then you can reevaluate the situation at that time.
I also have "that" brother, who is an addict, stole all of my Mom's money and jewelry over the years. At the time I was livid, but when I'm honest with myself I was never going to inherit a penny, so it really doesn't matter. He is living with his Karma.
My suggestion, which has literally helped me survive the last 10 years, is to have a hobby like art or journaling. I pour out all my feelings on the pages and it's what has allowed me to not walk around angry all the time. My Mom was not a great mother, and I was very angry that any of us should have to care for her at all. Thankfully through therapy and art I've been able to release most of those angry feelings. Now I spend the time with her that I can (mentally/emotionally), which is usually breakfast or lunch once a month, and then she comes to stay at my house for a week a couple times a year. I'm comfortable with the amount I'm able to give, and that's all I can do.
I hope things improve for you, and you find some peace! Kathy