Should we go ahead and sell Mom's car? How do we approach the subject with her?

When my friend, Jim, for whom I am his POA, needed to stop driving but wouldn't, I called Adult Protective Services for advice. When someone calls, they have to go check on them. I made sure I got there first so she would be let in. When she spoke with Jim, she could see he was confused about things. The Minnesota State department of Transportation had cancelled his license already, but he would not stop driving. He still had the license in his wallet and thought everything was still fine. Then she asked him about what he thought he should do with the car if he couldn't drive. He promptly said "Sell it and get some money out of it!" At that point he would give me the keys, which he had refused to do before. I took it to a friend's garage to clean it out and get it ready to sell and it sold very quickly.

I needed the help of Adult Protective Services to get this to happen and it worked perfectly. Perhaps an "outside voice" like that would help you, too.

Your posting and profile do not mention any kind of dementia. If she doesn't have dementia, then more than likely your POAs are not truly "active." You indicate you maintain her finances, so perhaps there are some concerns about dementia or she just didn't want the hassle? If no dementia, this is a tough issue for you. Unless your POA is very specific, more than likely you don't yet have authority to sell it (if she agrees, that's a different story!)

As others have suggested, perhaps her doctor(s) or some other trusted person can talk with her about not driving or find a way to have her driving skills tested. If someone else can convince her that driving is no longer an option, it will make the decision to sell easier - not necessarily a snap, but easier.

For our mother, it was a combination of reasons for taking the car away. She had some unexplained damage (a bit more than just dings) to the car (never mind the accidents prior!), the inspection sticker was out of date, she didn't drive at night, but there was a known issue with the lights (brother used when visiting and found this. No recall, but I was able to get the dealer to do a "courtesy" repair.) Her "circle of comfort" was growing ever smaller, which was a good thing, but clearly indicating some memory issues even then. When I finally realized she was having other issues related to dementia (knew almost nothing about dementia until my suspicions were aroused by some behaviors and did some research), I talked with YB and we made the decision to stop her from driving before she killed herself or someone else. Driving an 8cyl behemoth was asking for trouble! My thoughts at this point were driving is a privilege, NOT a right. If one can't maintain license, registration, maintenance, inspections, etc, never mind the inability to explain the damages, then one loses the privilege.

YB did ALL the talking and took the keys, I just stood behind him. Mom looked like a 5yo who had been caught in the cookie jar. On the way out, I asked him to disable the car, as I was sure she had another set of keys. Next day, who does she call, demanding her key back? Me. Thankfully I was able to say I didn't touch the key. She asked who did and my reply was if you are so smart, you figure it out. Day 2 - next call was nastier than the first one, accusing me of doing something to her car and demanding I get down there RIGHT NOW and fix it. Soooo, tootsie DID have another key! Not only that, she was able to find it!!! Again I was able to say I didn't touch the car (although it was my idea, I did nothing!!!) When she asked what's wrong with it, I did have to fib/flub and say I'm not a mechanic, I don't know what's wrong with it.

In the early days after taking it away, there was a bit of whining and begging and stating "But I don't go far." She would complain that the worst thing that happened to her was having her car taken away. After a while, that changed to it being the worst thing SHE did was to give up her "wheels"!

I did use the POA to sell the car, and had to include dad's death certificate because she NEVER registered the car in her name only!

Where is the car at the moment? Is it where she can see it and it reminds her to bug you about getting the keys back? Since she seems to be okay with being taken by aides to run her errands, etc, I would start with moving the car to where she won't see it. Out of sight, out of mind. While it sounds great to let the aides drive her around in it, I think having it there and using it is just a reminder. It also isn't good to let it sit. You mention caring from a distance, so are any of the "We" people local, that can move the car and run it from time to time? At some point mentioning the cost of upkeep, repairs, etc might help tip her over to agreeing for it to be sold. THEN you can sell it!

This was a huge issue with my mom. She had no need to drive as my Aunt or I were there most of the time. She was only alone from Fri evening to noon on Sat and Sun evening to noon on Monday. If we took her anywhere she wanted us to use her car which was fine. I had to stop leaving mail to go out and stop leaving the local bills she like to pay in person. If I did she’s be up and out 1st thing Monday morning before my Aunt arrived and drive to the Post Office and Town Hall to pay things I had left for them to do together. No one could persuade her to stop driving so I talked sent a note to her MD before our next office visit and after a brief memory test and discussion about her driving and accidents she notified DMV. When the letter came she was livid, I told her the local police would have also been notified and they would be watching her. That finally did it. We kept the car but she finally gave my Aunt & I the keys to hold.

My mom is 90, and about two years ago I had to tell her that she can't drive anymore. She is mentally sharp, but her vision isn't that good. Her reflexes are not that good, either. I am afraid of her getting into an accident, or not seeing a pedestrian in the road. She complained for about a year, to everyone in the family, but they agreed with me. She doesn't complain about it anymore, but I still keep the car in good condition and drive it about once a week. Whenever I take her somewhere, we go in her car. It makes her feel good that it is still running and she can still take a ride in it. I wouldn't sell the car until she passes away. It is part of her identity.

Only thing I would worry about if she goes onto Medicare. They will go back five years of her assets including car. You have the keys so don’t worry about

However you actually sell it, if you can make it out to be someone you know of who is really in need of a car - that her letting go of it for all the other practical reasons cited here would ALSO help someone, individual or young family, out in a big way (even if it has to be a therapeutic fib), that might make it a bit smoother.

I had my mother's doctor explain to her why she is to longer drive, so far it works.

Sure tell her with the way many people drive today she is better off not driving at all.

True, story a young woman and her 6 month old baby were shot in a possible road rage incident, by a guy that had cut them off. (He has since been arrrested)

Add to that, the costs of ownership of a vehicle, then maybe she will drop the subject for good.

This is why I laugh at those who live in thos subdivisions away from the big city. They don't look to the future, when they may have to give up driving, and/or the home is too big to upkeep.

How about taking off the license plates and turing them in and cancelling the insurance?

Old people are funny. A good driver knows when to give up driving. They were once a good driver. One of my neighbors who was 90ish was pulling out of his driveway one morning and lost control of his car which drove into his neighbors living room. Neighbor nearly had a heart attack as he was home. The driver had a stroke which caused him to loose control of the car. I visited him in the hospital. He was banged up and recovering from the stroke. He was lucky. His son came and took the car away. You just never know what can happen.
It isn't just about a person's right to drive. We have a responsiblity to keep each other safe. They, or someone else could be killed. It isn't about eyesight or hearing or dizzy spells or dementia. We are vunerable to sudden changes. I like to drive my self and hope I can do so for more years. I also hope I know when to give it up. I am grateful for Uber! I have used it myself when I wasn't well.

My mother had bipolar disorder plus health problems and it took her doctors, DMV, me and family, finally, her expensive car decision for Mom to sell her car herself from 2008 to 2013 to resolve her issues without an accident!

It’s more than just dementia and not just dementia! My Mom is weak and frail,slow response, range of motion issues. I took advantage of the quarantine time to let her car die, knowing that she would be very angry. We had many discussions about her driving. I finally had to insist that she stop driving. She finally succumbed to reasoning. It doesn’t feel good, I had no choice. All I could think of was her having a terrible accident. That would feel worse, much worse. I’m at the point in my life that I am her parent.