Should we consider phone removal?

There is a service called TeleCalm that I got for my mother-in-law. She was calling and changing her health insurance multiple times. The TeleCalm system has several features that help families when their loved one is suffering from a dementia type illness or some kind of cognitive impairment. The system can be set to where it limits repeated calls for numbers you choose as well as the time calls will be accepted. There is a pre-recorded message telling the caller that you will call them back in the morning. This helps the family get some peace while still allowing for the person to keep their phone. There are several other features, but this is the one that applies to your situation. This system is designed to take with her if/when she goes to a facility. It has saved our sanity. We pay $55.99 a month for the basic plan and it has been worth every penny. There is also a plan that prevents repeated 911 calls by routing them to TeleCalm’s emergency team and they determine whether a real 911 is indicated. Also the plan stops calls coming in such as telemarketers as well as preventing calls going out. Only people listed on the phone’s contact list can be called and received but someone not on the contact list can still leave a message. Good luck to you in dealing with this and all the other issues that come up in caring for your family.

No. It would not be wrong to ask the caregiver to disconnect the phone from 3 to 7. That would not be wrong at all.

It would also not be wrong to block your mother's number from your phone then you create a phone schedule of times that you will call her to talk.

The caregiver should have access to your number through their own private cellphone so they could call you for an emergency. Other than that, I think you should block your mother's number and start calling her on a schedule.

tacobeef: What your mother is doing is commonly known as Sundowning, late day agitation. Perhaps she could benefit from an anti anxiety medication. You could turn the ringer of your phone off at those particular hours.

Have a caregiver with your mom from 3 to 7 p.m. so she does not bother you.

I once counted the phone calls my Mom made to me in a less than 1 month period. In excess of 200 calls. I was suffering from acute anxiety b/c of it. Her cognitive impairment diagnosis Dr advised her if she needed that much extra help we might consider hiring a part time in home caregiver.The calls stopped...it was the thought of spending the $ for a caregiver that stopped Mom from calling. I still get 10 calls a week, but that is WAYYY better

Thank you so much for this post. I had been feeling so guilty about resenting the "chain calling." You really helped me to feel less isolated with my feelings. And the anticipation... oh my goodness, was developing such anxiety watching the clock, not being able to enjoy my meals, engage with friends, or simply read a book. Thank you for your courage to post about this. I got my mom a calendar to track visits. It helped her to remember when she had seen me and when I would be back. As for the calls, 3 pm would be a blessing in my situation. My mom had been calling me at 5:30 am. She contends that she is being respectful because she doesn't want to disturb my husband's sleep so she waits until he leaves. Thoughtful, right? Hence, my guilt in feeling frustrated with the call. Then she would call incessantly beginning at about 12 noon when she was having lunch. I finally had to tell her that I was working and that she was calling on my lunch hour so she understood my time was limited. She actually responded well, but then started calling in the evening. I would thank her for the call and say that I was glad to be sharing dinner time with her. I had her call before my actual dinner time. That worked but then she called back closer to bedtime. I let her know I was preparing for bed as I needed to get up early for work. She would talk for a little while because her paranoia was kicking in. When I allow my compassion to override the frustration, I am able to think a little more clearly and redirect her and get her off the phone quicker. Sometimes she just wants to hear my voice. And please, do not misconstrue my intention. I am in no way saying you are lacking compassion. I get it. I have been so tired of repeating myself and fearing that my responses will upset her even more. Doesn't work 100%, but did minimize the calls. So, would it be wrong, no, not in my humble opinion. We are all just trying to survive and maintain our sanity. Not too sure though of her response if there is absolutely no contact, especially if you are her only anchor to the outside world or the one she looks to for comfort and reassurance. If there is a caregiver involved maybe there can be a structured time for the call and then other times make it "unavailable." Let us know what you decide and if it works. It would be nice to add something to our caretaker intervention arsenal. Hope it helps. Will keep you in prayer.

NO! Do not take away her phone!! You would only increase anxiety and distress!

If the caregiver is someone you are in charge of, try to find out what is going on there. If the caregiver is not, then consider visiting there and finding out for yourself what is happening. I hope she is in her own home yet, because the facilities that people put the loved ones into are often abusive.

If everything is all right then just do your best to let her know she is ok and that you will be over to see her as soon as you can.

Do what you have to do. You NEED your down / re-newal time ... to keep going.
It is important.

Is someone with your mom 24/7?
It sounds like your mom would not be able to use the phone to call anyone if / in an emergency anyway.

I wonder if you can give your mom a separate number .... to call "you" which is some kind of music station (not calling you).

I support you 100% percent in doing whatever you need to do.
Your mom doesn't know what she is doing and will continue.

Is there someone with her mom during 3pm-7pm?
If there is a caregiver there, why is your mom 'being allowed' to call you non-stop? The caregiver / someone needs to re-focus her attention somehow during this time. If no one there, could there be?

She is scared, fearful and reaching out to the person most familiar to her - do have someone there to (try to) comfort her).

This could be sundowners (syndrome) - ?

Gena / Touch Matters

Why does she even have a phone. I know no one at my MIL’s Alzheimer’s unit has one. You say she has a caregiver but don’t say if it is at home or a nursing home but either way if something happens, they will call you. Answer her call once a day or every few days and block her the rest of the time. There is no point in your life being ruined. Like other people mentioned, have her doctor put her on a tranquilizer. At this point in their life, does it really matter that they become addicted.

We use an Alexa Show 8 with my mom. Programmed it for her to be able to "call us" simply by her saying "Alexa... call [name]". (you can program anyone's number into it to be called. We can talk with her by real-time live video and she can see me and I can see her, which is a big plus. Often, I can tell how she's feeling and doing by her expressions, her dress, how her bedroom looks, etc. and if a staff member or other caregiver comes in to help, I can talk with them as well. (you can order it on Amazon - different versions: Alexa Show 5, 8, 10 or 15.

There is a "drop in" feature, where the video blurs the sound is muted for 1 minute at first, so that the person can either turn it off if they want to (she never does) or can prepare for the video cam to come on. (it is simply an intercom between you and them). We can also manage the calls from our end and the set up for her to make "calls".

CAVEAT: you may find that you need someone with technical skills to help set it up and make sure that the facility will allow it. But it has been truly a God-send for us in successfully communicating with her, now that she cannot use a phone. Gives her great peace of mind to actually be able to see us, too.

Another good thing to try is a Lively mobile Plus pendant. https://www.lively.com/medical-alerts/lively-mobile-plus/

It is a small silver pendant with a button hangs around the neck. It is literally a GPS mobile phone with a small speaker (it can locate them no matter where they are) in this small silver pendant. It also has very good fall detection and is water proof so they can keep it on even in the shower (highly recommended).

The pendant also has a Lively Link app that goes with it. You can set it up on your mobile phone and it will literally show you on a GPS map no matter where they are when they are wearing the pendant. This is especially good for people who may still be driving and you want to know where they are. We used this a good bit while she was still able to drive and was living at home by herself before her fall and move to AL.

If your loved one needs help or has a question or there is an emergency, all they need to do is to press the button on the small pendant. Lively has 24 hour monitored service with live trained agents who will immediately call them live directly on the pendant whenever the button is pushed. The agent will talk with them and ask if they are ok, if they need help, or something else, and your loved one can talk directly to them through the pendant (its literally a small mobile phone with it's own number).

The agent is trained to help them (seniors) anyway they can. We have used this a number of times and has been a great comfort in knowing she has a way to communicate even outside of the facility if something is wrong or she needs emergency help when they may not know it right away. Also it was a life saver when mom fell outside in her garage during the winter time initially It detected the fall and they immediately called her and asked if she was ok and then called 911 to dispatch the Emergency Response Service to come take her to the hospital for emergency surgery.

I pray this is helpful to you and others on this list.

My mom no longer understood how to work a phone. Didn't know that if it was ringing that it needed answered. Didn't know which end to put to her ear or mouth, etc... But if she got a bug up her butt about something, she would tell the nurses that she needed to speak with me immediately so then they would call me and say your mom wants to talk to you. LOL

It definitely sounds like your mom is sundowning. Meds can help. You've gotten suggestions from other posters to block the number or remove the phone all together during certain hours. Either of those ideas would help unless she follows suit with my mom and has the caregivers call you.

Good Luck Taco Beef.

I agree it sounds like sundowning. If possible I would have the phone turned off, unplugged or slyly taken away in the afternoon and early evening. You can also talk to the doctor about medication to help with her anxiety at that time. Silencing her calls only helps the calls to you and she will just call others more since she does this already and I suspect this is part of your concern so it needs to be a solution from her end. If this is the only time she ever uses the phone to call you and others then you could consider just taking it away all together but I that would be a last resort for me if she was even using it once in a while.

We are going through the same thing with my father. It’s been getting worse. It was suggested by the facility that we take his phone away or silence his calls. We are seriously considering taking the phone away but don’t have the heart to do it. It’s all he has left as we watch his world get smaller and smaller. I think for now we will make the decision to silence his calls. This probably won’t help our stress knowing he’s calling and filling our voicemail mailboxes. Eventually we will remove the phone and tell him it’s broke and needs to be repaired, hoping, unfortunately, that he will forget he had one.

We got Dad a Raz phone. It is controllable from your cell phone. You can turn her phone off at certain hours, have an intermediary for 911 calls, limit the people she can call, and other things. It was well worth it

Is she in a center with other people or is it just her and a caregiver?

What would happen if you just didn't answer the calls (block the number or just let it ring?) Does the caregiver know how to get hold of you if you did not answer your phone?

I don't think you should remove the phone. Your Mom doesn't see anything wrong in her actions. On top of that, in her mind, to her, everything is important enough for you to be notified. That being said, you need to do something on your end (e.g. block the call, let it ring and let it go to v-mail.). However, what ever you do, you still need to be available so that either the Head Nurse or the caregiver can get hold of you during these times. If you remove the phone, your Mom may feel abandoned, and that will lead to a different set of behavior problems.

The other issue could be that she is lonely. Is she in a group setting or is it only her and a caregiver? If she is in a group setting, talk to the Head Nurse to see what they recommend to do. If it is just her and the caregiver, see if the caregiver could play some games or do exercises with her during this time period to distract her.

Contrary to popular belief, people with dementia can learn new behaviors. It just takes them longer to learn the lesson.

Before you implement any suggestion about not answering the phone, you need to tell the Head Nurse and the caregiver how to get hold of you during these times.

Good luck!

Sounds like Sundowner's Syndrome. In that case, the person gets more confused in the evening - some of all the things you mention. Ask the caregiver to take away the phone in the evenings. Also consider asking doctor for mild a mild anti-anxiety medication for when she gets super-confused or agitated.

Is someone with her 24/7?
Why do the calls start at 3 then end at 7?
How many others is she calling?
The caregivers should be redirecting her, keeping her occupied during this time. (If there are caregivers there with her)
If the calls are bothersome to others they can block the number as well.
You can elect not to answer the calls either by blocking the number during the hours you do not want to be disturbed or letting the calls go to voicemail.

The decision to remove the phone might boil down to safety.
If this is a landline and you call 911 the dispatcher is aware of the address.
If you call 911 on a cellphone unless the area has "enhanced 911 service" the dispatcher may not know where the call is coming from and getting prompt help might not be possible.

I had to start blocking Mom's number in the evening and overnight because she would call me in the middle of the night, not knowing what time it was or understanding that I had to go to work in the morning. I am guilt-free over that because if she really needs me, the NH will call, not Mom. If you have a cell phone, just block her number when you need to. It's not permanent.

Block her number at 3 and unblock it again at 7. Wouldn't that be an awful lot easier?

Where my mom was in memory care the residents were not allowed phones because they called the police and fire department too often. I had to call and they'd take a phone to her. If your mom is in a facility or has home care, let those people handle the issue, but I think you should be able to call her to chat when you are not busy. If she is alone you might just need to put up with it and try to calm her with made up excuses for why she can't go home or stories about how the dead relatives are doing now. Hopefully in her state of mind she is not alone though.

Block her # from 3pm to 7pm, or the rest of the night. Unblock in the morning.

The care giver will call if there is an issue.

IMO you talk to her too many times as it is, several times a day? What for?

Set your boundary and stick to it, the ball is in your court.

As my mother’s tendency to call all hours of the night coincided with her hiding things (claiming everything was stolen) we made her phones disappear to test the waters. She never even asked. Seemed out of sight meant out of mind.

I had also considered a phone that could only accept incoming calls.

But she lost her phone skills pretty early in her dementia. For 20 years she refused to try the cordless phone we’d bought her, so she still used rotary dial and push button table phones. I noticed she’d often hang up incorrectly.

Address the sundowning as it as it may present in other ways such as wandering.

If I am correct in understanding that the caregiver is available to your mother in case of emergency, yes, have the phone removed at a certain hour. You can also take control of your own phone as to turning it off and on, but that does present more of a problem in any real emergency where the caregivers have to question you re whether or not to recall 911. You can tell the caretaker that the phone will be off between the hours of whatever and whatever and give her instructions on calling 911.

Of course, disconnect the phone or block her number during the hours you don't want to talk with her. We never have to talk with anyone we don't want to.

You have a right to your peace and privacy, and she won't remember she called and you didn't answer. Or, if you want to have fun, converse and tell her what she wants to hear. "Why, yes, I heard from Aunt Mehitabelle just last week. She said to tell you she'll visit as soon as she gets back from Istanbul." No harm in making the conversation interesting for both of you.

I just got out of my latest therapy session where my therapist reminded me that it is perfectly ok for me to never answer the phone from my MIL if I don’t want to.

You can put her on no call if you have a smart phone or you can put your phone on do not disturb.

You do not have to answer and you also do not have to listen to it ring.

Your mom is Sundowning in the late afternoons which is causing her agitation and creating the need to make these upsetting calls. My mother did the same thing. I had the doctor write her a prescription for Ativan .5 mg which calmed her down quite a bit, which is the true goal here......the anxiety brought on by thinking her parents and relatives are still alive and awaiting her arrival is a terrible thing. As is you having to take all the repeated phone calls.

I'd turn off my phone if I were you, or the ringer at least. You can ask the CG to unplug moms phone, too, and see how it goes, but I'd ask for calming meds first and foremost.

Dementia is the worst, and I wish you and mom the best of luck with all of this.

You could talk to the staff, but because of shift changes and turn-over, you may have to keep re-asking people to do this... and they don't need more things to do (and remember they have to re-connect the phone in the morning as well).When my MIL was Sundowning and calling everyone in her phone book from her room in the AL, we erased their numbers. But eventually, we had to step down to a simple land-line phone (so that the numbers weren't on redial). Now she has a land line phone with our pictures, but she never uses it to call us.

Where is your mother living? Our answers will depend on the circumstance