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It would probably be an easier decision were it not for the bipolar issue and the current care for your autistic grandson. How old is the sibling and is this person on meds? How old is the grandson? Would there be any reason to be concerned about the interaction between those 2? Would it be "better" for the sibling to be in a community of people in more of an independent living situation? Or group home? If you both work what is the point of sibling being in the home with you unless there's some in-home care or companion? It could be isolating for her. THanks for any further info you can supply,
Don’t do it. You are already caregivers to your grandson who has autism. You have your hands full.
The fact that you are asking for advice tells me that you aren’t certain about this. All of the doubts in your head are there for a reason. Trust your instincts on this one. Your husband is on the fence. That is reason enough not to do it.
If she is wealthy she can find another resource and you can visit as a sibling. Don’t open the door to a trying situation.
The sibling ( my SIL) is 63, triplegic , on meds..she has lived with her mother most of her life ( who is 91, falling everyday and has refused to discuss/plan for her handicap daughter after she dies). There are 3 siblings, but we ( youngest, still working, just found out out 2 yr old autistic grandson) AND have had allowed my parents to move in - 4 years ago) have set precedent, apparently. I do work at home and have homecare workers come into take care my folks 1/2 day .. but I way underestimated impact on our privacy, marriage, no freedom to travel, discomfort of a house at 74 degrees, tv volume at 50, etc. .. I think we don’t know how to say “no” and my MIL has told us she will not speak to us again, when we now try to discuss alternatives for SIL) .. I recognize my MIL is desperate now, after avoiding this conversation/planning for so long. She previously has said its unfair to ask anyone to do this.. but me SIL shouldn’t be in the middle. We all have said we will help her.. the question is if the assumption is that means bringing her in our home.. I know a lot of drama, all started with good intentions. My husband is torn on all accounts. What a mess..
Failure to plan on your mothers part doesn’t constitute on obligation on your part. She’s 91. Your sister is 63. Your mother has had DECADES to arrange care for your sister after she’s gone. She’s had ample time to have discussions with family members and arrange a caregiving agreement if any were willing. She’s had ample time to arrange for your sister to go to a group or in to AL upon moms passing. You say your mother is wealthy? Then she’s had the resources to see to it that her daughter will be taken care of. That she chose to do nothing is not your problem. I know that sounds cold but.....what I mean by that is, it doesn’t give her the right to burden you with caring for a disabled bipolar adult. Even if you had no grandchildren, this would be a huge undertaking.
You need to say NO. “No mom. I can’t possibly do that”. If I were in your shoes, I would end the precedent NOW and help mom find other arrangements for your sister.
I totally agree with Glad and Cali. Her having money should have no bearing on your decision to take her in. If she has resources she can pay for an assisted living facility. Why would you consider turned your life upside down? It doesn’t make sense to me to be willing to do that.
This could effect your grandson also. He has his own challenges with autism. I don’t think that I would be willing to upset his life. Please nip this in the bud. It’s easier to say no now rather than try to reverse the situation later and deal with regrets. You will end up asking yourself why did you do this.
No, you have enough on your plate with Mom and Dad. Your SIL needs LTC. She should be getting SSD with Medicare and Medicaid. If not you can apply for it. If Mom leaves her money, use it for her care in an LTC. Do not try and care for her. She needs professional care. I don't think an AL will be equipped to handle her. Even if you didn't have Mom and Dad, I would not take this responsibility on.
I would talk to a lawyer versed in SS and Special Needs Trusts. I would hope MIL got her daughter SS disability which includes Medicare and Medicaid. If not, you may want to look into it. I think checking this out ahead of time is better but...if you wait for MILs passing and she leaves SIL money you can use that money for a lawyer because its being done for her. Problem with waiting, though, is probate. It can take a while.
I may be confused about the parties here, but I could see this becoming a problem in your marriage. YOUR parents live with you, but your DH's sibling is not welcome? Tough one. I agree with looking for SS disability for the SIL is a good idea.
That is a fair argument, you are right -my husband feels I owe him- since we took in my parents, but of course there’s more to the story.. he complained when I spent time visiting/taking care of them.. so bringing my parents into our home had some benefits. Also they won’t live much longer and have each other as companions... that’s not true with sibling. My SIL will have a trust, so it’s not question of money, but rather a question if shouldn’t she be able to live with family. And if she does move in.. I think our marriage will be stressed still, dream of traveling, etc or helping with autistic grand child will be impacted.. struggling to find good solution
I just want to say one thing: I had my step daughter who's bi polar here visiting me for about 2 weeks back in 2018. Let me tell you, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, literally. I woke up every morning wondering if I would find her dead in the bed. Or if she had run away in the middle of the night without me hearing her exit. Or WHAT the heck I would find, or have to deal with, during the impossibly long long LONG day ahead. I have NEVER in my life been so anxiety ridden or filled with dread and worry over another human being, ever.
When she was in her manic phase, her behavior was out of this world; almost as if she was on LSD. When she was in her depressed phase, it was even worse.
We had to have a family intervention at one point and take her to the ER for evaluation. The doctor there was so upset that he insisted she be admitted for psychiatric evaluation. She refused, of course, but did agree to take some medication, thank God.
All I can tell you is that I would NEVER agree to have a bi polar person living in my home. I had to call my husband at work and beg him to come home because I was THAT upset and beside myself with this girl.
Do. Not. Do. It.
Ain't NO amount of money on earth sufficient to pay for THIS level of pain & suffering. Trust me.
Bipolar? Very difficult emotionally to deal with. You never know what is going to happen. If you are not trained it could bring an enormous amount of confusion to your household. If there is money the best place for your sister-in-law is in a facility where she will get proper care and you can visit her there often.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
The fact that you are asking for advice tells me that you aren’t certain about this. All of the doubts in your head are there for a reason. Trust your instincts on this one. Your husband is on the fence. That is reason enough not to do it.
If she is wealthy she can find another resource and you can visit as a sibling. Don’t open the door to a trying situation.
You need to say NO. “No mom. I can’t possibly do that”. If I were in your shoes, I would end the precedent NOW and help mom find other arrangements for your sister.
This could effect your grandson also. He has his own challenges with autism. I don’t think that I would be willing to upset his life. Please nip this in the bud. It’s easier to say no now rather than try to reverse the situation later and deal with regrets. You will end up asking yourself why did you do this.
I would talk to a lawyer versed in SS and Special Needs Trusts. I would hope MIL got her daughter SS disability which includes Medicare and Medicaid. If not, you may want to look into it. I think checking this out ahead of time is better but...if you wait for MILs passing and she leaves SIL money you can use that money for a lawyer because its being done for her. Problem with waiting, though, is probate. It can take a while.
When she was in her manic phase, her behavior was out of this world; almost as if she was on LSD. When she was in her depressed phase, it was even worse.
We had to have a family intervention at one point and take her to the ER for evaluation. The doctor there was so upset that he insisted she be admitted for psychiatric evaluation. She refused, of course, but did agree to take some medication, thank God.
All I can tell you is that I would NEVER agree to have a bi polar person living in my home. I had to call my husband at work and beg him to come home because I was THAT upset and beside myself with this girl.
Do. Not. Do. It.
Ain't NO amount of money on earth sufficient to pay for THIS level of pain & suffering. Trust me.