Should I try to tell my mother she has dementia?

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Should I try to tell my mother she has dementia?

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My mother who is 82 has been declining for several years, it started with repeating herself and now has progressed into having what I call timeline issues. For example things she showered yesterday when it really has been two weeks. Do I confront her with the reality? I tried to talk about it and she denies anything is wrong. She refuses any medical tests including basic memory tests from the doctor so we cannot get an accurate diagnosis.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Anosognosia

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Do you have a signed Durable POA and Healthcare POA? I'd try to make sure those are in my possession as you move forward. The reason being that it's more difficult to work on her behalf and promote her medical care, if you don't. But, if you have that, I might focus on getting her a regular check up with her primary.

You can give her doctor the heads up before hand. I typed up a list of my observations to the doctor, so she would know what to look for when she sees the patient. The right doctor can conduct an office eval in a very calm and nonthreatening way. The doctor can also check for infections, medication issues, nutrition issues, hormone problems, etc. The doctor may be able to rule out other causes for the cognitive decline. And, if appropriate, he can refer her to specialist or place on medication if she would benefit from it. Some types of dementia don't respond to medication. She might resist, but, it just takes trying different things to get them to accept. Things coming from her doctor might be easier for her.

That's what I focused on with my LO. Her doctor wanted her medications administered correctly, proper nutrition, physical therapy, proper rest, etc. I reinforced that all of this would help promote better health and memory. So, even though, her doctor told her that she had dementia, she didn't really understand what it meant. And, I didn't keep mentioning it either, because, she would have forgotten it. Even when the neurologist told her that she had dementia, she just said that she didn't want to lose memories of her parents, but, she seemed to forget about it a little while later that day. She never mentioned it again.

So, even if you tell her, there's no guarantee that she will accept it, believe it or even remember it. So, to me, it just depends on what works for your situation at the time. Getting through each day with the LO being protected and cared for, is really all you can really hope to achieve. Getting a PWD to bathe, is often an ordeal and is addressed with different strategies. Having them understand, process, accept and work with you on things......I suppose it happens, but, I don't see it that often.

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This is the typical. You can't talk with her about it. Just agree with her. And in sone states POA's can't be issued as the person authorizing the POA (your mom) has to be of right mind. I petitioned the court & was ordered guardianship.
What you can do is tell her the doctor appointment she set a month ago is tomorrow or in a couple of days. That she wanted to make sure that she made her appointment because medicare wants to be certain she gets her annual exam, etc.
Redirect as much as you can.

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Angec, I would not suggest your tell your Mom that she has dementia, that would only terrify her if she understands what is dementia.

Any time my Dad would call me saying he can't remember something, I would tell him I have that same problem, too. Told him that as we age that the file drawers of information in our brain are full, and sometimes the drawers get stuck :) Got Dad laughing so that made him feel a bit better.

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I wouldn't try and confront her with anything, even the sound of it sounds like an argument waiting to happen. If you were able to arrange a home visit from someone who could do an assessment they would be able to do the tests without her even realising they were taking place, alternatively perhaps she could "accompany you" to the Dr and he/she could talk to her without her realising it was actually her appointment. I don't know what you would hope to achieve by confronting her, it isn't something she can do anything about, and will simply sound as though you are criticising her for something she may know but not want to accept. Good luck in finding a way to get her an assessment, but it isn't going to change a lot for you regarding having to deal with her situation.

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My mom is becoming aware she is having memory issues, and she will even mention it. But tomorrow we have a Dr apt about her pain, and overall situation ( every 4 months). I told her we need to mention her memory situation to him.. she yelled " I am not getting ALZ!" OK, mom,, I'm not saying that,, just that he needs to know for your chart,, She passed the short questions at the Dr last time,, but boy o boy can she forget stuff here in 15 minutes! So I will indeed mention it to him,, and I am sorry to say I do it in front of her.. but otherwise I feel sneaky, and we all need to be on the same page. And things are moving fairly fast lately. I don't "confront" her with it per se, but I also need her to know if there is anything we can do, we should do it now not later. She is a retired RN, I am in medicine also, and we watched my dad decline from ALZ. I jokingly told her I needed it to be known in case I find her walking along the road some day like we did Dad.. she quipped" I cant walk that far !" Will she be peeved at me? Probably,, but she was always tough love with me, and she raised me this way.

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My mother "passed" one of the short tests, too. When she ended up in the hospital this past Jan for what ended up being a severe UTI and a broken bone below a knee, the doc had in his chart that she had cognitive issues. He asked questions about her home life, which she answered as though nothing were wrong. Said she cooks, cleans, drives, does everything around the house she always did. My sister and I were biting our tongues. The doc seemed to take it all in, but he tapped me on the shoulder on the way out. He said, "Okay, tell me the real story." Which I did and which didn't include all the things Mom said.

So your doc tomorrow is liable to see through her ruse. They know people cover up because they're scared and/or because they really think nothing is wrong. If you can find some way to accompany the doc when he leaves the room (you have to go to the bathroom!) and give him the real skinny, you'll feel better. I even wrote a letter to Mom's geriatric general practitioner cautioning him about what she would do. The ones who care will hear you out and see through their cover-ups.

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I/We do the opposite actually and find it very helpful. When loved ones/clients realize that something is wrong and that they're no longer the same person, I just assure them that I/everybody forgets too and that is normal. Whenever I visit our clients, I always share with them how I keep forgetting where I put my eyeglasses and what I did yesterday. They'll smile and I find it very sweet that they just start reassuring me that it's ok as long as I don't forget to visit them. A little white lie isn't bad if it will make them feel better. Giving them stress or something to worry about will not help.

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I totally disagree with you on this. I have a number of chronic illnesses and I can tell you someone knows when their body is not behaving normally. If anything, they may be too polite or kind to tell you, but if anything you are creating more stress. They know it’s not normal and you are lying to them which is more stressful. You don’t have to use the words dementia or Alzheimer’s but don’t say it’s normal, it’s not.

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Has she asked directly?
If she has you can honestly say since you will not go to the doctor for tests we don't know for sure.
But will she remember that? Probably not
If you tell her she has dementia will she remember that? Probably not.
She wants to know she is safe.
Her world is shrinking. She will be happier with smaller groups, with familiar places. Less noise and confusion.
Confronting her with reality...her reality is now totally different than your reality. As difficult as it is try to "go with the flow" and pick your battles. Dig your heels in when it is truly important. And you will find that there really isn't a lot that is TRULY important.

You can get aids that are great in getting someone to shower if it is difficult for you. The CNA that helped with my Husband while he was on Hospice seems to have the "magic touch" when it comes to getting people to shower or bathe from the stories she told me. (I asked because this comes up in the support groups I go to and I asked if she had any words of wisdom)

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It amazes me how my mom would seem totally 'normal' when drs or other people would speak to her for a short time. I had my mom accessed in her own home, I told her it was my friend coming for a visit. My mom denied any memory issues, I just say we all forget things sometimes when she's anxious about her memory.

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I recently went to a 2 hour workshop on Alzheimer’s and this very thing was discussed. For some reason these “patients” can act perfectly normal when going to a Dr. or when visitors stop by. The social worker actually denied care for my friend’s mother for this very reason! Yet it takes 2 people to care for her 24/7 because she can’t be left alone. Eventually it got straightened out. The workshop was by the author of the book “The 36 Hour Day”...a must read for anyone who is a caregiver of someone with dementia.

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Today actually went pretty well. I used the "eyebrow twitch" to let Rn know something was up when mom said something,, so we could ease into it. So when Dr came in he asked her about "anything else besides the pain bothering you?" She told him I was worried about her memory, used the "I am 88 " excuse,, but he was very sweet in explaining that there is forgetfulness, and then there is memory loss that can affect your independent living.( as in taking care of herself some, he knows she lives with us) . Like your pills, your rollator and exercizes ,, etc. He told her there are some tests they can run,, she asked if HE could do them, and he said yes. So we're thinking about it.. not an outright rejection. We don't mention ALZ, just memory decline. I actually don't care what an official diagnosis is,, the end result is basically the same for most dementias. I just want us all on the same page

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I’m in the same place. After losing my dad to ALZ, my 85 yr old mom is now showing more concerning signs of dementia. She absolutely denies any issues and can also be “normal” for the short doctor office visits. She has agreed to see a neurologist and completed an MRI and will be taking cognitive tests In a couple of weeks, if only to prove me wrong. She doesn’t like me going to doctor visits because she only wants the doctor to know what she wants him to know. I’m still going to every visit and also sending notes to her doctors about behaviors and events. At this point, the diagnosis will be more for myself than her. I need to know where she is and what to expect so I can plan her future. She never remembers what the doctor tells her anyway. She doesn’t have to accept the diagnosis, but it will give me the needed authority to execute my durable POA and medical POA and start planning her care for the years ahead.

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I like your response. I'd like to know if when you send notes to your mom's doctor does he respond to you himself? I've send notes to my 92 year old mom's doctor over the last 4 years as she has undiagnosed dementia because she refused to see another doctor he was referring. I never receive a direct response, he has an assistant call me. For example with his changing a prescription due to information in my note, I receive no information on how the medication work's, side effects, etc. I have become more frustrated with him as my mom's condition has progressed over the last few years.

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I went thru this with my mother a few years ago. She was able to fake it so when my siblings saw her for their monthly hr long visits, they were sure she was fine and threw a fit about me wanting to get her evaluated. Eventually it got worse so she couldn’t hide it from them although my brother still denies it somewhat.

Recently she was evaluated for vascular dementia. I disagree when some say it doesn’t matter. Had it not been for the neurologist evaluation of her past CT s, we never would have known she’s been having strokes for years( even on Eliquis) and the med they usually use to treat memory loss can actually cause a stroke. Obviously, she can’t take that since she’s already at high risk for a massive stroke .

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You make a really good point in re to the CT if the person is cooperative...but then if no meds are being used for the memory loss, that risk is limited as well.

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I may hold a minority opinion...but having gone through similar, the dementia just kind of slips in until it becomes obvious, sometimes triggered by an unusual event from the daily routine...like a trip etc. My mom has gone two years thinking she has showered or denying she hasn't, so you get to the point you give it up (even the experts have advised this). It will be like spinning your wheels AND wearing your tires out to keep trying. I think there is a clinical term for not accepting/acknowledging the illness. ANd you know what? In the end...in many ways, it really doesn't make any difference. The pills are not a cure and have side effects and don't help as many as we would all like to think. We basically have to deal with the symptoms, regardless of any official diagnosis though it might be good to know long term. A good doctor would be able to slip in the mini-mental exam as part of a casual routine re-check visit; a good attorney would be able to determine if she is capable of understanding in the moment if she knows what she is signing/agreeing to so that routine POA /living will stuff can be done sooner rather than later. And she wouldn't be the first to be in excellent physical condition but have dementia. Don't confront her, it's wasted energy you will need for other tasks:-) You're not alone...and might want to consider a support group for adult children...

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I agree. Husband had several memory tests over the years that were just casually slipped into the conversation. It was strange that he would score well but still declined. As it turned out his frontal lobes were very slowly shrinking. Couldn’t pass it now

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My husband’s diagnosis is”mild to moderate cognitive decline“ of the sort that frequently develops into Alzheimer’s. When asked about it, he says he feels great and there is nothing wrong with him. But he also frequently mentions that he used to be good at something and now can’t remember how to do it. I usually respond with something like, “Yes I know! That’s so frustrating, isn’t it?” Then I tell him, “That’s why we’re working with your healthcare team. The part of your brain that knows how to do that is broken and we’re all trying our best to find ways to fix it. Meanwhile, I love you very much and I’m here to help.” Also, I try to lavish appreciation for the things he does to try to help — even though, after he empties the dishwasher for me, I have to wait until he’s not in the room, and find where he put things so I can find them quickly when cooking. So many little things during the day that can be irritations if I invite them to be. I try to remember to instead remind myself that it truly is caused by a broken brain that is losing brain cells at a rapid rate, and not by his “not paying attention” or “being self-centered” or “not listening to me” or “not caring about anyone but himself” or any of the other judgments that are so easy to fall into. My mantra: “Whatever I focus on is what I’m going to get more of.” So it only makes sense to focus on keeping things pleasant and non-combative rather than on all the ways this makes us feel cheated. I came up with this reminder “poem”which may or may not have relevance to anyone else. Related to my choices: (1) To resist or to face this disease head-on and stride down the path courageously and (2) To whine and entertain self-pity or to invest in self-care and acknowledge and protect my inner strength and power to make it through this, as I have made it through many other tough things in life. It’s a simple two-liner:

“I’m a strider, not a limper; I’m a shout and not a whimper.”

Seems to invite my inner Wonder Woman to take over while my inner Eeyore takes a long and restful nap.

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Love your Mantra "Whatever I focus on, I will get more of"!! And so very true!! When I was upbeat with my mom, she reflected that back to me, sort of!! When my attitude was one of discouragement, so was hers!! Which, of course, becomes a cycle!!
Thank You!!

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I would say no. When my mom was diagnosed with dementia alzheimer she went into a deep depression. Cried all the time and refused to celebrate holidays or leave the house. Literally before the doctor told her she was a happy person.

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My younger sis felt that mother's PCP (aged 80!!!!) was missing a lot. Duh, yeah. They'd go to checkups and sit and chat like a couple of old birds in a cage. Guy has NO BUSINESS still 'practicing' medicine.

Anyway, some concerns about mother's obvious decline a couple of years ago and YS does a LOT of research and finds and schedules (with mother's permission) a full physical WITH cog eval.

Of course, mother cancels it the day before and is still seeing her ancient PCP. She is definitely failing, but we'd like to KNOW what to expect, or how far along this is. She can hold it together for a half hour then she's exhausted by trying so hard to remember anything.

There's absolutely no POINT in telling her she's showing signs of dementia--maybe she isn't, maybe she's just tired. I don't know. But we don't have any 'testing' so to speak, just a close lipped YB who will not share any of her health info with any of us.

IT's OK that she's forgetting. It's OK!! She thinks we're gonna stick her in a home and this will NEVER happen.

Personally, I would feel a little validated in my thinking if she had a cog eval and it came back that she's struggling--I see it, but my sibs are all MIA and they might step up just a skosh more if they knew mother needed more. As it is now, a phone call every month or so and they take her word for it that she's fine.

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Perhaps they need to have mom come for a week long visit at their home, without you there....
If not, then they need to come visit mom in her home for a week, with you leaving them together alone each and every day!
Seeing is believing.

Although our mom still lived alone, I was the one who spent more time on the phone and in person, so the brothers didn't see/hear what I did. For some time they also denied. Even after we had assessment done (nurse associated with the aide company we were considering), local brother didn't see how bad it was (and it really wasn't that bad yet, but certainly worse that he thought.) The non-local brother would call every Sunday and have the usual BS session until she did her usual "You're running up a big bill" and would proceed to end the call. Calls did not cost anything, mind you. But the "conversations" were never enough for him to have an inkling of a clue....

Of course the charade can't hold up over time and she is less able to hold it up as time progresses, so it became more apparent to them.... duh.

Even if you must stay whether they come for a visit or she visits them, stay in the shadows and let mom "paint" her own picture....

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No Angec123, it would be best not to tell Your Mother She has dementia. When my Mother was diagnosed with mild to moderate alzheimer's in 2013 I phoned my Cousin Mary Who is a SRNurse. I informed Mary of my Mothers diagnosis and I asked how do I deal with this as I nominated myself as Moms Carer. The answer I received was ' do not inform Your Mom that She's got alzheimer's leave Her be. She's in Her own little World and is happy there. Why upset Her. Reverse rolls now and You do the cooking and cleaning and keeping the home tidy while Caring for Mom, and that is exactly what I did. Mother Lived for three years after the diagnosis and Together We made it a journey of joy with very happy memories and love. I thank God every day for giving me the courage to care for my Mother Who Lived a full and active Life up to the ripe old age of 87 years. Rest in Peace.

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I am so sorry you and your mother are going through this. Having gone through this with my mom...imagine that you are in a rehabilitation center for a few weeks and they send someone in to tell you a sentence, a few words, some numbers...whatever...and then that someone asks her to repeat what she can remember. Well...my mom started crying and asked why they were doing this to her. My point is if it's obvious, why the hassle?
If you are the one handling her affairs, it would be wise to take her to her bank and tell her you would like to make life easier for her if it becomes necessary, like if she has to go to the hospital, by her signing for you to be her financial POA. Hopefully, you already are her medical POA also. That can be done thru an attorney and at very least be sure her doctors have paper that she signed for you to be involved in her medical decisions...and of course, then comes a DNR and/or a MOST form signed with her desires marked.
As far as showers...let her know you are there today and can help today. Sounds like she'll forget this tomorrow...so when shower time again, you can repeat your same story.
No point in making life hard or confusing for them. God, I know it's tough. My mom passed away in January as dementia also caused her to aspirate her food along with everything else it robbed her of. It took her approx 7 years to get there from when I noticed her forgetting things. I wish she was still here so I could "ground" her as well as join her world for a few hours 3 or 4 times a week. Her mother, her brother and others she wanted to see or call passed away over 20 years ago. So when she asked, I told her we would call after dinner or when that person is home from work...whatever! Just not that they died. 5 minutes later, its forgotten!
Stay strong and continue advocating for your Mom.

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The "therapeutic fib" can be a life saver!

Our mother (almost 96) also asks about calling or going to see her mother (gone about 40 years) or, recently, asked if I see her much... I took a chance with a pre-planned "new" answer to that one - "No, she's gone to FL for the winter." She was deep in thought for about a minute, while I held my breath... Oh, they used to do that... I skated this time!

As for being truthful, in most cases it doesn't help. They may deny. They may get upset. Most likely they will forget!

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The question that you're asking is one you've already given yourself. She's refused medical tests. You could have her taken to her PC doctor, where they could give her a generalized test. But be prepared! My own late mother actually hated questions - she would say "No more questions" and was almost tearful about it. You see, sometimes elders just can't answer questions.

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You can tell her but it may not do any good. My mom was diagnosed with moderate dementia 3 years ago. Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 5 years ago and has been in a nursing home for a year and is now on hospice. Neither of them believes there is anything wrong with their minds, even though the neurologists told them and I kept telling them what the doctors told them. Dad was falling all the time and forgetting how to dress himself and pour a cup of coffee. Mom resented helping him and was very stressed and angry all the time (but then she often was like that before). I would stay with them a few days a week, sometimes longer, or call every day, take them to appointments, handle their business. (I live 4 hours from them and am married). They refused to go to a care facility or have any medical or household help come into their home. Dealing with them both was very stressful for me, and dad is very stubborn and yells alot; mom can be hostile and have tantrums like a child. Dad ended up in the hospital after one of his falls. Ninety- five percent of the time Mom can't remember what you tell her from one minute to the next. She talks to herself constantly with words of anger and distress. I tell her all the time that she has dementia but she does not believe it. She says everyone has memory problems. I tell her because I hope she will agree to go live someplace where she's safe, either go live with dad (she was offered a bed) or the memory care facility that I've been in contact with for 2 years. I keep telling her she was diagnosed with dementia hoping it will sink in but it won't. I am just causing myself more stress. Living with her or living with me are not options. She should not be living alone even though physically there is nothing wrong with her and she is able to do some housework, and feed and clean herself. We live in New York State. I've been told by our elder care attorney and case managers and other professionals that I cannot make her go anyplace and the attorney advised against trying to get guardianship. I am POA, but not medical POA, and health care proxy.

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Nowhere along the way have we used the word dementia or any associated term with mom. Mom's idea is that dementia = "off you rocker". They certainly are NOT the same thing, but you'll never change her mind.

If anything came up about forgetting, oh, she's old and is ENTITLED to forget now and then!!! BWAHAHA, sure mom.

I am concerned about your mom being alone. Our mom lived alone, and although it **seemed** she could take care of herself enough to stay, there was a LOT we couldn't see! Unless you are there most of the day, there is no way to really know. Once we took her car away, I had to take her on trips to the grocery store, but watch what she bought - more chicken mom? You have lots left in the freezer (even after I siphoned out the old and freezer-burned ones!) What became apparent after a few trips was that she WASN'T cooking (fresh veggies shriveled up unused, same chicken in freezer, etc.) She'd buy some frozen dinners, but not enough to last until the next trip! She would buy/ask for items that she actually had plenty of, but had put away and forgotten about. We tried bringing in aides, for 1 hour sanity/med check, with intent to increase the time as needed, but after a few months she refused to let them in.

We finally installed some cameras, so we could monitor comings and goings, we could see the OCD sun-downers happening at bedtime AND that she was wearing the same clothes day after day (one time 6 days in a row!) While wearing clothes over again is something I do, so long as it is clean, this was NOT the norm for the clothing queen!!! She would also never wear something with food stains on it before this.....

As far as what the attorney told you, it likely isn't state specific. It kind of goes along with what the staff tells us - you can't force someone, even in MC, to do something they refuse to do. They just have to get creative and coax the person into whatever it is (taking meds, showers, going to appointments, etc.) Mom was refusing to move ANYWHERE, and our EC attorney also told us we couldn't just "drag her out of the house." Not that we would do that, but you get the point. He DID suggest guardianship (we had the DPOA, HIPPA, wills etc done prior to this), BUT the place we had chosen for her would not accept "committals", which presumably is what they considered guardianship. This is how/when I ended up on this forum. The staff told us to 'just get her here, we'll do the rest...'

In the end we had to come up with a 'ruse' (she injured her leg/got cellulitis just before the planned move, delaying it. One brother drafted a 'letter' from the hospital's "Elder Services", which told her she moves to where we choose or they would place her. OH was she MAD!!! Reluctantly she went, believing it was temporary.

You wouldn't need to be quite so forceful with your mom... Perhaps suggest an extended "visit" with dad (seeing as they offered a bed, see if they would allow a week-long visit?) IF she agreed to that, get the MC set up, work with them on a transition plan, and bring her there from dad's NH instead of going home (plan it for lunch time, say we're stopping here for lunch. (Or just take her to MC for FREE lunch) Let them distract her and beg off to the ladies room and exit! They also ordered Lorazepam to keep mom calm - it doesn't require time to build up in the system and doesn't keep her drooling/lolling in a chair - it just takes the "edge" off.

It will be better to find a way to get her to a safe place before something untoward happens. Except for telling her neighbor she "bruised" her leg and the neighbor telling me, we wouldn't have known about the injury. If we were not planning to move her about the same time period, that injury could have killed her! She didn't have enough sense to have it checked OR tell one of us!!! It was about baseball sized on her shin - not a little scratch. If the neighbor hadn't told us, we could've missed it on visit (under pant leg.)

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First of all, get a Power of Attorney so you can make her get medical help and whatever else is needed. She cannot be allowed to continue in her present negative mode. Tell her in very firm terms she is going to do this or that and there will be no refusals - it is going to be done or else. Be tough and tell her if she does not cooperate, there will be severe consequences. Do it gently at first - it won't work - then get tough. It is your only hope before she destroys you.

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Can you get her to go for regular checkups? If so, you could get a head's up to the doctor with your concerns. There are other conditions which can mimic dementia, although it does sound suspiciously like it might be. A thorough exam with blood work and urine testing is a must! The Medicare Wellness check does NOT cover these, which is really stupid - those tests can identify so much and catching conditions early saves time, money and lives!

If the doctor is any good, s/he will know how to discreetly check mom's cognitive ability during the exam.

We just changed doctor's and I was a little surprised that the nurse tried to administer parts of the test (hearing aid was of minimal help, but it was MIA having gone through the laundry at the MC place.) My surprise was because this is year THREE living in MC! The doctor she had at the time prior to the move acknowledged dementia, however after 6 months of begging and pleading, I did not get ANYTHING from his office (I blame staff, not him.) Excuses, documents needed that I had already provided, etc.... Gave up on them (and it delayed getting Fed pension to grant rep payee status!)

Back to your situation - again, get a good full checkup. If she balks at that, tell her in order to stay enrolled in Medicare, THEY require yearly checkups! Make someone else the "bad guy." Every year the doctor office would require mom get checked before renewing her meds (another ploy you can use, if she takes regular medication - INSURANCE requirement!) I would have to use that as one of the "arguments" to get her going to the doctor appointments.

In the meantime, you don't need a name for what ails her (which she doesn't acknowledge anyway.) We never used ANY terms for mom in her presence. Dementia, in her mind LONG before dementia, was being "off your rocker", so that would NOT go over well! She was/is also a denier - "I forget sometimes, I'm old so I am entitled to forget!" In her mind, which she often told everyone, she was fine, independent and can cook. She felt she could waltz circles around those younger than her!!! Could she? For a while, maybe. At this point? Nope.

With short term memory loss (the repetition and time issues indicate that loss is real, you just don't know the cause), she won't remember what you call her issue or even that you discussed it, so why bother?

So, try to get that full exam done and proceed from there. Some people believe it if the doctor tells them, but again, she'll likely forget, so why upset her? The Dx is more for you, so you can plan ahead on how to proceed.

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This question calls for a very personal answer, because telling her is OK only if it is useful and does more good than harm. It depends on the situation and it can change with time. For instance, in your country (I'm french and the laws could be quite different for you), must you have an official diagnostic to be entitled to certain helps ? Or can your doctor give your mother the right to 100 % social security covered medical expenses for things related to dementia without going through formal official tests ? I bet it's very different in the US.
Psychologically speaking, if you tell her, you risk depression. She may even remain depressed (feelings endure) after having forgotten the diagnosis.
Some people, including doctors, are very intent on telling things. They have the feeling it will help their work (doctors can give their diagnostic, children can explain to their mother why they want to put her in a home, everyone rationalizing that by telling the truth, they are showing respect...) but it won't make things easier for long, and can break your relationship with your mother.
I had convince my mother to be assessed and the specialist absolutely wanted to ask the same questions about our recent past both to my mother and myself, in front of her, to make her "understand" that her memory was failing. I refused to answer, left with my mother, told her that I thought seing her ordinary doctor was enough, and said forever good-bye to specialists who want to use the caregiver against the patient, with no regard for their relationship. Other people I know had better experiences, so then again it all depends on your situation, the laws in your country and your relationship. Anyway with an Alzheimer patient, you can't escape the fact that you have to become an expert at lying, if you don't wan't to upset them, be it for great or minor issues. Good luck !

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Should I try to tell my mother she has dementia?

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