My mother who is 94, has always been a home-body. She lived over 50 miles from myself and my sister. My step-father passed 4 years ago and she still wanted to stay at her home. On the surface, it looked as though she was doing ok. Come to find out, she has a cancerous tumor which has now been isolated with medication. She has stage 4 or 5 of dementia. We moved her to a Senior Independent Residency. She seems to be doing fine except when she has too much idle time, she calls to ask when she will be going home. This happens on the average 15 times a day. My answer has been when the doctor says you are better. In reality, the Senior Residency is her home. My question is do shatter her hopes of going home, or do I continue to play this charade to give her something to look forward to?
hopefully you are preparing for her future. I would be afraid for her safety at this point . Is she in independent living or an AL? Do they have a memory care unit available? One that will eventually take Medicaid?
It's good that your mother likes activity. Many do not. She needs more of it. Would it be possible to hire her a companion a few hours a day? This way her idle time would be less and so would the phone calls.
As their disease progresses, they may have access only to their first 50 years, then 40, then 30, and so on, until they go back to their childhood memories. This is not an orderly reversal – the person may remember more or less on different days and at different times during the day.
This results eventually, in the person with Alzheimer disease/dementia thinking they are much younger than they actually are. It is not as though they realize they are, for example, 81, but they can only remember their first 30 years. Instead, it is as though they are the person that they were at age 30. Consequently, they are confused, because they may not recognize their family, since they are looking for the individuals they were sharing their life with at age 30.
And, also looking for the HOME they had at that age, asking to 'go home' to that place in time, which is impossible. They get stuck in the 'loop' of asking the same question, over and over again, about 'going home' and that's likely where your mom is right now in her head.
You telling mom that she can go home when he doctor says she's better is the best answer, really. It defers the matter to her doctor, and puts it off for the moment. Distraction is the best technique b/c no matter what you tell her, she's going to forget it anyway and ask you the 'going home' question another 200x in the next week anyway.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (which is a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
The booklet is helpful b/c it gives tips and tricks to deal with your mom in a better way.
The difficult times she experiences in the afternoon is known as Sundowning, and comes along with dementia as it advances. My mother had a terrible time in the afternoons with wanting to go home & insisting on seeing the dead relatives and her mother in particular. Ativan at .25 mg dosage helped her a lot and calmed her down significantly. Do speak to mom's doctor if this behavior causes too much agitation and anxiety. Also speak to the Activities Director at Sunrise about getting mom involved in ALL the daily activities at the AL, esp during her 'idle' times.
Best of luck with a difficult situation. I hate dementia with every ounce of my being.
She will eventually except the AL as her home. Just give it time.
She is now living, in her damaged mind, in “dementia truth”. Her truth is different from your fact based truth, and she won’t be persuaded that your truth is correct.
Ask yourself if what you’re telling her gives her peace and comfort. If it does, you are NOT doing anything “wrong”.
You’re doing something loving and kind.
I've got a real thing about speaking the truth(I'm not taking the moral high ground at all) ...hence my 'seekingtruth' name. I do wonder if it's b/c my own mum tells sooo many lies. I've almost got an obsession with speaking my truth and sometimes am 'too honest' I've been told.
In reality, she was not leaving the facility - ever. It was permanent. However, placing the blame on the "insurance company" was mysterious enough that she went along with the story. And, with the way her insurance company treated her following her stroke.... it's not entirely untrue that her very life was in their hands - including where she would reside.