This is somewhat of an update to my last thread below:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/helping-your-caregiver-bff-when-youre-a-caregiver-long-486316.htm?orderby=recent�
Unfortunately my BFF's husband did pass away not too long after the above thread was written. BFF also turned 50 a few days ago and their would be 2-year anniversary is on the horizon a few weeks from now.
Needless to say it has been a challenging time. I have tried/continue to try to be there for my friend as much as possible, spending nights over their place for the first week or two after his passing and sometimes she still occasionally comes over and stays with me.
For those that don't know, I rent from my BFF and my mom (who I caregive for) lives with me. We're in a 3/2 ranch level home. I moved to the state we currently live in (my home state) a few years ago when my mom had a stroke and moved my mom in with me last fall out of the nursing home she was in at the time. (She is wheelchair bound but can do some transferring now on her own.) I am single and do not get any family support (currently estranged, however, my few close friends are like my family). I work from home full time.
Anywho, I figured I would go the rest of 2024 just 'continuing to adjust' to living with my mom and focus on that. But I figured maybe next year I'd start thinking harder about a longer term plan with respect to housing/accommodations. I really don't want to continue living in my home state. I really dislike being here. Since graduating high school I moved around a lot but always stayed in larger cities (for better work opportunities, amenities such as healthcare, option to live car-free, etc.).
I figured that since I'm 45 and now have my mom living with me, perhaps I should finally consider 'settling somewhere'. I'm thinking ahead now and wondering how to assess what is most important though. I could:
a) Keep living in my home state but move out of my friend's house (so we could get a more accessible home)
b) Keep living in my friend's house and purchase her home from her (not sure yet if she'd want to do that)
c) Move to the closest 'large' city to us which is currently an hour and a half from where we live in another state to our north (I'd be able to have some 'city life' again)
The main pro's to staying in my state surround it being very slow paced which my mom likes, plus the COL is low (housing is pretty cheap here). Also, I'm a 20 minute drive from my BFF and my mom has 2 or 3 friends that visit her which is big because being disabled now she doesn't get out on her own to see anyone much anymore so socialability is important IMO. I don't like anything else about being here. Pro's to moving include better access to healthcare/jobs, more things for me/us to do, access to a major airport again, and a bit more progressive culture.
Con's of moving to the other city/state include a higher COL/housing and being further away from my BFF and mom's couple of friends. I'm pretty depressed about being here but acknowledge I'm not sure 'how much happier' I'd be moving (although my therapist tends to think it's best I go). Looking for thoughts on how to assess what path forward is best for us both.
At 45, this should be the best time of your life. Ask yourself what it would take to CREATE your best life, not what location will cause it to happen. YOU have to MAKE it happen.
Good luck to you.
The places I've lived, I feel like, have always played a big part in my life and played 'some part' in my contentment.
On the rare days I get time to myself sometimes I forget I can't go to my favorite spots to eat I used to go to in my former city. I sometimes miss the park I used to sit in and chill at soooo much although I visit the small park here. I could go on and on but essentially, I feel like if I'm going to be in this caregiver life I now have, it sure would be nice to be able to enjoy some of the things I like to do, which I can't in the location I'm in. In short, to me, creating the life I want starts with living in a place I want to be.
I honestly don't believe that you wanting to move away from your home state has anything whatsoever to do with you just wanting "some 'city life' again" or the fact that there is a "bit more progressive culture" there, but is in fact that you really just want to get back to the life that you had prior to being a caregiver, where you could come and go as you please and didn't have the added responsibility of caring for your mom. Am I right?
You are awful young. Do you really want to spend the next 30 years of your life caring for your mom and giving up living and enjoying your life?
That sounds really depressing to me, and it sounds like you already suffer with depression, so why would you want to continue on like this whether you stay or you go.
Instead why don't you find a nice place(assisted living)for your mom in the city of her choice where she can be around other folks her own age and get the help she requires, and then you move to the city of your choice where you can thrive and live and enjoy your life without the burden of caring for your mom?
I know that your mom does not want you giving up your hopes and dreams for your life because of her.
So get out there and make her proud, and start taking the steps to living your best life in the city of your choice.
And if it's close to an airport, that means you can grab a flight anytime to go visit mom in her new facility in the city of her choice.
So a few things:
I'm not committed to my mom and I living together 'forever'. Only for 'as long as it works for us'. I don't know how long that will be. Right now, it's hard some days, but honestly it's currently the best it has been since she had her stroke. We are adjusting and learning better how to live together and the PACE program continues to impress me. With that said, part of the reason I do want to move is to be closer to better healthcare for both of us and to a larger network of facilities. I am considering only moving to a larger city that also has PACE, since I understand that PACE does help with placement into facilities if that becomes necessary down the line. I don't want to lose them as a resource but I don't want her to have to go to any other facility anywhere near where we live now because I know which facilities are the options to place her in - they are very few and far between since she is on Medicaid. (Plus, PACE wouldn't necessarily place her anywhere now; they are a program that would not likely place her unless she progressed to needing more care.)
You are correct that I do already suffer from depression. Been that way forever. But I am in therapy and last month I finally decided to get back on an SSRI. I think it's needed for now.
I honestly do not know how much happier I will be in the other city. I know that we go there 1-2 times a month and I always come back 'a tad bit happier' whenever we spend the day at the park there or grabbing brunch at a spot I like there. But maybe it's because it's a 'temporary escape' so to speak. I am sure there would be a honeymoon period if I moved so who knows how much contentment I'd end up 'settling into' down the line. I moved an average every 18 months for almost 20 years and lived in 3 major cities across different states so I know about the honeymoon feeling I get from moving. I wholeheartedly acknowledge that I could pick up and move and be minimally happier, or not happier at all (and I guess that would suck).
I don't want to move away from my mom any time soon and she has stated she does not want to go into any facility. Maybe things will change for one or both of us on that front; I don't know.
Do what sounds best for you.
Understand that choices then exist for mom and your friend as well. Let them make their choices.
I would preface anything/everything with "this is what I am going to try. Now is the best time for me to explore and try things".
Nothing is set in cement. You can do things, explore things, and then change your mind.
I cannot imagine why buying BFFs house would be a good idea. To me that sounds like an anchor set to SINK.
Good to hear from you again!
I think that the current home is a great (perfect?) short term solution. Especially due to the timing of mom's sudden stroke and the 'initial' cost I was being charged to live here. But I am thinking more now about longer term and if I buy this house I would have to redo the bathroom. I'd be able to afford to because this same house in the city I want to move to would go from something like $170k to $300k.
My mom surprisingly says that if we move 'she'll make new friends' and to assume that she'd adjust.
I mention my BFF because she's essentially my sister and definitely my biggest source of support at this point (goes both ways for us); I would indeed miss being able to drive 20ish minutes as opposed to an hour and a half to see her.
I didn't mention this in the original post, but BFF says she is not going to stay in the home she's in (the huge place she shared with DH). I've asked her if that means she will need her house back (the one I live in) and her answer at the time was vague (that she 'wasn't worried about it or any other material things').
If you bought a home (even your friend's) can you afford all the expenses that come with homeownership? The upkeep/labor? The commitment? Will you require a 30-yr mortgage...at 45?
Have you talked to a financial planner about buying a home at your age?
What if you or your BFF find someone special romantically... could it change things? One of you then possibly has a different trajectory...?
I can afford her home which would go for something like $170k but the same home would be more like $300k in the other city I’d like to move to.
I haven’t talked to a financial planner however I am pretty well versed in finances.
I honestly don’t see myself marrying. I can see my BFF remarrying eventually. I’m not sure how that would impact things. Right now I do wonder if she may want her house back (the one I live in now with my mom) as she has made comments about not wanting to stay in the home she’s in anymore.
Mom can talk to her old friends on the phone or FaceTime or Zoom possibly if her friends are tech savy .
You can also keep in touch with your BFF.
Fortunately we are not the Little House on the Prairie Ingall’s family that could rarely afford to mail a letter , had no phone or could not leave the farm to visit a far distance .
We have phones and computers .
So, don't complain about picking up her dog because her husband's illness and trip to the ER interfered with your plans to go into "the city". Her old man is dead now and if you're a real friend you won't make her grief all about you and what you do for her which is really what you're doing here.
In what way does you not liking the state you live in have anything to do with your friend?
It's not her fault you don't like where you are. If you don't like it, move away.
Anywho, I can't comment as I just couldn't follow.