Should I feel guilty about intimacy with my old flame?

YOU are the only one that can answer that.
You will get many responses and some will say..
*You have marriage vows that must be upheld and to have a physical, emotional relationship outside of your marriage is wrong.
or
*Your wife is no longer the woman you married and there is noting wrong with seeking a physical, emotional relationship.

This is a totally individual decision.
the question I have is Would YOU feel guilty having a relationship? Would you introduce this person to your friends, your family? How (not that it matters) would they react if you had this relationship?

You are not the only one experiencing isolation.
You are not the only one grappling with this decision.

I suppose you could think about these...
*Is your dear friend married? If so would this change your perspective on the situation?
*If your son or daughter were in the same situation what would your advice to them be? Is it different than the advice you would take for yourself?
*If it were you that had dementia and this question were posed by your wife what would you want the responses to be?

Grandma54 raises very good questions. I do think though that if guilt is already your mind, you may have your answer, but this is a challenging situation and there are no right answers as each individual and situation are different.

Perhaps the obverse is the question as well:   how well, or can you cope, w/o this kind of intimacy?

I think you should not feel guilty for wanting intimacy or acting upon that need with your old flame. The woman you married is gone in the sense that she is no longer capable of being that woman who satisfied your needs.

60 Minutes (Morley Safer maybe?) did an excellent segment on a husband whose wife had Alzheimer's and he had a girlfriend who he made part of the family. I think you should try to find it and watch it.

Being open about your needs and desires may be liberating. Guilt is pointless!

Unfortunately, the answer to this is really individual and will require a lot of soul searching on your part.

However, I do have an a acquaintance who is in their 40’s and in a similar situation. A few years ago, his wife (only 39 and physically fit) suffered a rare stroke that left her completely debilitated and requiring constant 24 hour care. She was put in a LTC home. After 5 years, we learned that her husband (who admits to still loving her) divorced her and is dating again. They have a son together and still visit, but she has not been told.

Should he be subjected to spending half his life alone and looking after her? I don’t know. Again, it’s individual because (and I’m sure you’ll agree) there is no right magical answer that will make you feel 100% great.

In the end, I think you have to make peace with the fact that your life didn’t go the way you wanted and hoped and dreamt of. You wanted to spend the rest of your life with your wife and for her to be well up until the end. Except, that unfortunately didn’t happen. Personally, I think you can love (and be faithful) to more than one person at a time. You’re just being faithful in a different kind of way.

Ask yourself this question.

Say the tables were turned and it was you with the Alzheimer's and your wife had to live the day in and day out drudgery of being your caregiver, would you resent her if she found a bit of happiness and comfort with someone else?
If your answer is 'no' and you'd want your wife to not be alone and to have some kind of a life, then you have no reason to feel guilty about anything.
My last care client was completely out of it from LBD. A two year old couldn't hold a conversation with her. Incontinent in diapers, and unable to feed herself even or sit up on her own. Her elderly husband kept her home. He hired caregivers to do the hands-on care. He loved and cared about his wife.
He had a woman on the side. Why shouldn't he? He wasn't sick. He didn't have dementia. His whole life 24 hours a day was supposed to be spent isolated from civilization, changing diapers, washing, feeding, and listening to the same dementia loop over and over again?
No one deserves that. He had discretion. He didn't tell his wife he was going to meet someone. No one else told her either. He would go and see his other woman when I was with his wife during the day.
Then he'd come home and spend every other hour with his wife.
This wasn't morally wrong. It wouldn't be morally wrong for you either.
The only way to make it wrong is if your wife gets hurt by it. What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

We cannot answer this for you because it's such a deeply personal thing. The one point I hope you consider is how it might affect your children, if you have them. They will probably find out somehow, just make sure they would not resent you. Some kids would be supportive & understanding, some would be so hostile towards this. I wish you every good thing possible. Such a hard road to travel.

We all need the human touch no matter how old we are. 55 years is a long time. Must have had a loving relationship. I really don't think you will never feel guilty. But your wife is drifting away. Don't think I would introduce my friend to family while my wife was still alive though.

This is a question asked a lot on this forum by women and men. If my husband had ALZ/Dementia and had no idea who I was, there is someone, who if available, I would lean on. But I would be discreet. Their minds are gone so you can't hurt them. Because of how we were raised its such a hard decision and we only live once.

I appreciate your confusion. When you married your wife, did you recite the below wedding vows? You mentioned you are "here for the count", it seems that day has arrived for you. You wife is there for you, she has not left you. You are contemplating leaving her, perhaps not in body but certainly in spirit, and perhaps that is where your confusion lies. The marriage vow is a lifelong contract and fulfilling contracts can be difficult. If you wish to be with your teenage friend, then divorce your wife and move on. If you don't want to do that, then your teenage friend, if she's a quality person, will wait for you until you are single again. There is no harm in having female friends but not more than that because you will be breaking your vow, legally, spiritually and emotionally to your wife and that is about your character not anything about your wife.

"I, take you to be my wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

I take you  to be my lawfully wedded  (husband/wife), my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow.

I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live."

Timothy, caregiving is very exhausting, so I am curious how in the world would you find the energy or even the time to start up a new relationship?

My boss' wife had Alzheimer's, and since he was a very social being, he hired a caregiver to be with his wife during the day/weekends. That way he was able to get with his guy pals and they would go out to lunch at quality restaurants. It reminded me of the Sinatra Rat Pack. He found being with his buddies was very helpful during this time. He was also member of a lot of different clubs, like the Elks, Chamber of Commerce, political stuff, business networking groups.

Please note that in today's day and age, if you do wish to pursue a relationship there is no way one can be discreet. Everyone has a cellphone, and is on social media. Cameras are everywhere. All it takes is one photo to make it into a social media to do harm.

All food for thought.

We get these questions here constantly. Nobody can tell you what's right or wrong in your situation or whether you should or shouldn't feel guilty for wanting/having intimacy with an old flame while you're still married. That's a matter only you can deal with. You can't get approval or disapproval from a forum of strangers on the internet and have it mean anything, just as you can't get such a thing from a therapist either. I read a post here the other day, same as yours, where the poster said his therapist told him it was perfectly fine to have extra marital sex since his wife was incapacitated with dementia. My question is, what gives his therapist that right??? And why should he take her advice as The Truth and follow it?

It's all silly, really, because we each have to live with ourselves and the decisions we make every day. You have nobody to answer to BUT yourself, since your wife is incapacitated now. Do what YOU feel is right in your own heart and mind and what allows you to sleep well at night. Such a thing varies by individual, too, because what I can live with you might not be able to.

At the end of the day, you'll want to know you've lived your best, most loving life without having harmed anyone in the process. Love takes precedence over everything else, it's what really counts. Did you love yourself today? And did you love your wife? If the answer is yes to both questions, you've lived well today, in my opinion.

Good luck to you whatever road you choose.

Tim, speaking for myself only, my mother has Alz, so I know what that disease does to a person and their family.

If I developed the disease, I would not want my husband to suffer along with me. I love him, I want him to be happy and enjoy his life, and not become my 24/7 burnout and resentful caregiver.

If it was him who got Alz., I am not sure I could leave him. I would feel immensely guilty.

I understand men's need for sexual intimacy. It's important for their physical health. A well known and wise therapist said men's needs are simple but not to be ignored.

Cover 99.

Yes, his "private part has needs, though" can be satisfied in ways other than betraying his vows to his wife. Every heard of the "m" word? People are more than their parts or so I've heard.

The poster appears to more interested in the complete package of needs not just his "private part".

You're hoping to rekindle something that used to be. You will not be the teenager you were. Neither will she. Is SHE wanting to hook up too? Is she married too? You're wanting to live a fantasy. I don't blame you for imagining a different life.

Watching your wife fade away is terrible. It's stressful. It's sad. Yet you're preoccupied with sex? Really? You're not a horny teenager! You promised your wife ALL of you. Could you really feel no guilt when you're having sex with this other woman, knowing your wife is at home without you? You don't get to take liberties because she isn't able to comprehend what's going on. It's not her fault she isn't able to do what you want.

At the end of your (and her) life, will you look back and be proud for staying true to your wife AND yourself? You've been faithful all this time. You can't be "here for the count" when you've given your heart (and penis!) to someone else. You're a better man than that.

If you and your wife have kids, would you be okay with them knowing this? Because one way or another, they'll find out. You don't have to tell them; they'll find out. You'd be amazed how easy it is to get dirt on someone. You may think it's just your business, but if it involves what they see as disrespect to their mother, they will be affected.

Timothy, I can’t answer as to what you should do. I only know what I would do as my wedding vows say: “….for better or worse, til death do us part.”

I checked the fine print on the marriage license and it said to re-read my vows.

Please know I’m not judging you nor anyone else. No matter what anyone may choose to do in a situation like this, there will be a final judgement one day.

I'll just tell you what my dad said when he was wearing himself out caring for my mother. She had dementia, wouldn't bathe, got up every two hours all night which meant he'd get up to ensure she didn't fall, and yet he lovingly cared for her even when she'd be crabby and snap at him.

I asked him why he put up with it and didn't bring in some help or consider placement for her.

He said, "She's built up a lot of credit."

You see, my dad was a very hard worker who supported us as well as his mother, and he worked 10-hours a day, six days a week and didn't take a vacation the last 15 years he worked. Mom was somewhat neglected all those years and never got a break from raising kids or making dinner, and also never had a vacation. Dad recognized that sacrifice on her part, so when it was time to care for her, he was all in, even though his world shrunk exponentially. (He was in fine health.)

As it happened, Dad was diagnosed with cancer and died six weeks later. I moved in with my folks the day he was diagnosed to care for both of them. We never told Mom exactly what was going on, out by she knew somehow, and every morning she'd come downstairs and give him little pats and a hug and a kiss, then sit and look vacant in her usual way.

At night, when I'd get them ready for bed, my dad would always tell me to take care of Mom first, because it was important to make sure she was OK. Only once I got her tucked in for the night was I able to go sit with him and talk.

Dad died one afternoon in the upstairs spare bedroom, and Mom was sitting there holding his hand because he'd built up a lot of credit in those past 66 years, too.

Marriage is give and take, sir, and it isn't always to our liking, but a vow should mean something. Take care of yourself, but please be true to your wife. Get some help in to assist you and get out for lunch with a friend (but not THAT friend). Volunteer once a week. Do some things that enable you to interact with others.

However, please remember your wife didn't do this to you intentionally, and if 55 years means anything it should mean you love and honor her until death do you part.

That you even ask suggests you would feel guilty if you felt you were ‘cheating’ on the wife you so clearly love.

There is, however, nothing in any marriage vow that says you cannot have a good, loving friend to associate with, talk with, share time with. Maybe God sent this person from your past to help sustain *you* as you honor and sustain your wife.

Whether that friendship goes beyond that into physical intimacy, and how you would feel about that… that you must decide for yourself and your wife.

I'm curious about those who are condemning the OP.  Do you boycott, chastise or otherwise not respect the politicians, elected leaders and reps, movie stars, athletic stars, acquaintances, religious leaders and anyone else who might not be or "isn't faithful" to his or her spouse?   Are you  married, and if so, have you been completely "faithful" to your spouse?  

This condemnation of the OP's attempts to balance his life are inappropriate and not necessary.  He's obviously considered the alternatives, and that's why he's asking for opinions, not criticism.

Don't do it.

You shouldn't feel bad about wanting time with your old flame = appreciation, excitement, approval, affection, nostalgia, intimacy (emotional) and all those enticing possibilities.

But you should feel bad about ignoring the obvious inevitable. One or both of you + old flame are *going* to want more and someone is going to get hurt and you will feel terrible.

Don't be dumb. Have deep and meaningful conversations with someone you don't and never did fancy.

When you look into the eyes of your current wife what do you see? Do you see that she loves you, or do you see emptiness? Now reverse your viewpoint, if your current wife was taking care of you, what would she see if she looked into your eyes?

I believe the person with ALZ has two deaths; one death of the person's "soul" - the personality and memories that made that person who we knew; and a second death of the body. Sometimes the death of the soul is complete before the physical death. When someone suffers a near complete death of the soul and cannot recognize the people they once loved as anyone but "the nice person that cares for me" then I believe the surviving spouse should move on emotionally if they can. You can be faithful by making sure your spouse has the physical care and what emotional support is possible for the rest of their life. When they cannot remember you are their spouse, then they cannot be hurt by your "unfaithfulness".

But the spouse is not the only person affected by these decisions. One of my father's cousins was married to a gentleman who developed ALZ. She was his caregiver (with some in-home support) until his death. In the last year or so he didn't know she was his wife or even her name; he stopped talking at all in the last 3 months. About 6 months before he died she became aware an old boyfriend from high school had moved back into the area and exchanged a few phone calls with him. After her husband died, she began attending some church and community events with him, then going "out" for dinners and movies. They married (at ages 88 and 90) 10 months after her husband had died. I thought it was wonderful the two (widow and widower) had found someone to share their days. Her daughter was not nearly as pleased and it caused an estrangement between mother and daughter for a little over a year. The daughter eventually came around to my view: her mother had been a devoted wife for more than 68 years and suffered emotionally from her father's dementia. Mom _deserved_ to experience companionship again and at her age waiting for some period of time just to assure the "community" of her devotion to her first spouse is nonsense. The second marriage lasted just 4 years before the husband suffered a head injury from falling. After being widowed a second time, she entered AL and lived well for another 5 years.

I am a Christain and I understand "moving on" from an ill spouse is not what we are taught. I solidly agree with that teaching when the marriage _can_ continue is anything other than the legal sense. If your spouse would be hurt by your action, then I think you should refrain. But if you can still love, advocate for, and make sure your spouse has the care they _deserve_, then I think it's okay to move on to another relationship as long as the second companion supports your continuing devotion to your spouse.

Our God is a God of love; He loves us and wants good things for us. Finding some happiness while caring for an ill spouse can be a good thing. Many people, most of whom have never walked the journey of a caregiver and many who have, are going to criticize your actions. Are you and your potential companion strong enough to endure their condemnation? Is it worth the potential estrangement from some family and friends who won't understand? It's a very difficult situation our religion and moral teachings never complicated when we were young so we have to find our way as best we can. God bless and comfort you in the path you choose.

Alzheimer's robs us of so much of our physical and emotional needs. It's the definition of ambiguous loss... here in body, but not in mind. Intimacy, not necessarily sexual but certainly including it, is a basic human need. Just because our wives can't satisfy our (I lost my wife to AD almost 4 years ago) need for sex, doesn't mean our libido is switched off. So what do you do? I'm sorry, but I can't answer that for you. In a similar post a few months ago, I said for me to violate our 52 year relationship would be like a pseudo divorce. And the guilt would have been hard to carry. So I was intimate in a less physical way. I was with her a lot in MC and always held her hand. Our “conversations” were always a monologue on my part. A peck on her cheek was my hello and goodbye. I could still feel the connection and hoped she felt it too.

But you're not me! You have someone you already have a connection with. How intimate do you want to get? You ask “should I feel guilty?”. A more pertinent question may be “will I feel guilty?”. None of us can answer that for you. And you won't know the answer either, until you make your decision. (You say you already feel guilty just thinking about another relationship).

I like what you've written in your profile, Timothy, and can see you're someone who needs and enjoys relationships. Your long marriage and continuing care for your wife is exemplary.

So you've rec'd many opinions on your situation, but only you can decide. No one can force you to feel guilty. I wish you peace.

Thank you, Timothy, for your added comments. I would like to add one thought to consider, a thought I would hope your wife would express were she still able:

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...”

Were I in your wife’s situation, I would be grateful for my husband’s care, love, and loyalty, yet I could not be happy myself if that meant he was miserable and lonely. Love is a kind, generous, and caring thing, not a jealous thing.

(quote from author Robert A. Heinlein)

I have been married to a wonderful man for over 43 years. We talked about this when one of our friends husband was dying with dementia. She took excellent care of him for 7 years. I told my husband if I get alz or dementia and barely know you, please make sure I am well cared for and go on with your life. I love him and want him to have some happiness when I am gone. And if my mind is gone, I’m gone.

You feel isolated, get a buddy. Go out. Go out for dinner, go dancing, go to a movie. Shoot some hoops, play tennis, go swimming, go for a run, go to the art gallery, Or take a course. Join a club. There are so many other things you could be doing, with your free time and energy. :) There are so many other interests you can start up.

Honor her memory. your family and your 55 year relationship with her.