I (38 yo single male) am looking to vent and ask for some advice, too. Sorry, in advance, if this is a long post. My mother (74), who was affected by dementia/Alzheimer's almost 5 years ago, lives with my 77 yo father. They stay in the same building as my two older married brothers, but separate floors. I live 40 min away from them.
Father is mentally sound, and pretty ok physically speaking, still being able to do some simple cooking, what they also cherish. I spend 1 to 2 days with them doing all the cooking, dishes, handling all the stuff in the washing machine, cleaning the house, and cleaning mother in the bathroom. She hardly goes to the bathroom on time, and has lost the ability to clean herself. Physically speaking, mother is doing ok.
Now the biggest problem is my father, who always just lets things be, and has never gotten us together to discuss the best solution for mom. He never asks them to do chores when I’m not there, or help mother in any way, even though they live in the same building! As a result, it seems that my brothers and their wives like to profit from his approach, which is apparent with them not being really committed to help with cleaning, cooking, and showering. Anyway, a couple of months ago I convinced my brothers to properly talk together, for us to find a better way of managing our parents’ situation, suggesting also that their wives take turn showering mother every 5 days. Still, not much progress ensued thereafter.
I went to my parents’ on Friday at noon, noticing that they had done no chores at all. On top of that, mother not showered for about 8 days. By 4 pm, I called the middle brother’s wife, since it was her turn and she was off, and politely asked her if she could shower mom. She said she had to leave for work in an hour. Well, ok, I replied.
Yesterday, in the morning, I asked my father to go upstairs and talk to the middle brother about the showering thing. He refused, and I insisted, raising the voice, too. He said - as usual - he wished he were dead, and that I disturbed his blood pressure. I retorted adding that I didn’t really care, and that he wasn’t a priority, but mom was. He went out on the balcony bearing a grudge. My middle brother met him there after a while. I asked my brother when his wife would return. He said she was gone for 2 days. “Well, I am just concerned about mom being not showered for 8 days, which you can see yourself”, I replied – mom was sitting close. I also reminded him that we had agreed differently when we had the talk. All this in no accusatory tone. But he took it amiss, saying that I couldn’t help making waves from time to time. I replied saying that if I have raised such issues, it was always in our parents’ interest, not mine. And that there was no point of talking to him and father because they’re the same. (Then ironically) "Sorry for bothering you today. Bye." We left it at that, and he went away.
Connecting the dots I understood that my brother made that comment also because father had complained to him about me in a childish way a little earlier. And I thought he had been talking to him about the showering thing, and their situation! I felt sold down the river!!
I rushed inside and hurriedly took my stuff, and dashed away telling my father that his problem wasn't blood pressure but his intrigues, and that if it hadn’t been for my mother, I wouldn’t have been so much around him.
(I should add here that while growing up I was never really my parents’ favorite. But with them getting older, I felt like I should help them more, especially when this disease affected mom.)
I know I overreacted to my father. But sometimes his total lack of cooperation really pisses me off.
So, what should I do from now on? My sister, who lives in my hometown, told me I shouldn't visit them for a month, and afterward go there only for a short visit to spend a few hours with mom, doing no chores, and let my father manage their situation the way he wants to. Thanks.
Not their job just because they're female.
But yes, certainly distance yourself for a month or more. I agree with your sister.
On a separate note, they (my brothers & their wives) are supposed to commit away more to our parents, because the latter have provided so much for them over the years, financially, as well. This is why l have often pushed my father to be reasonably demanding of their services now. One good turn deserves another, doesn’t it?
This is your dad's job to manage. He needs to hire help, or have a family meeting and figure out what to do about this issue.
Yes, leave for a month. Let dad figure it out.
My sister told me that I shouldn’t try to shower mom here because my SILs are also supposed to cover something around the house.
Your parents (and mine) had a lifetime to save funds to pay for their end of life care. If giving money to the adult kids was a "quid pro quo" (this for that) for care in the future, it should have been made clear that the money was a transaction and not a gift. Gifts have no strings attatched.
If your parents are low on funds, they need to apply for social services.
They might also considwr "downsizing" and using the procedes from the house to fund their care. Do they have Social Security?
As regards social security, they each get an old-age pension, which serves only to provide for their basic needs.
They live on the first floor in a private house, so selling part of it is not an option, where they are.
Thanks for the valuable input.
WHY are the three brothers putting his on the wives to do the chores for YOUR parents?
The 3 of you should be doing this if this is what you want.
If you can not bring yourselves to do what needs to be done then you either
A) hire caregivers that will come in daily to do what needs to be done for both parents.
B) begin to look for Memory Care for mom and if necessary Assisted Living for dad.
Step back.
Stop the cooking, cleaning and all the rest of the things that you are doing to "prop them up" .
The situation will get worse before it gets better. There is the possibility that at that point everyone will come to the conclusion that dad can not care for mom properly and placing her in MC or getting caregivers is would be the solution.
As stated in the original post, we haven’t come up with a real solution as to what we must do with mom on a daily basis, and when & how to hire outside aid. It seems that my father and brothers haven’t been able to face the music and act accordingly yet...
If your brothers do not want to do what needs to be done you/they do not get to expect their wives to do it.
then your parents hire caregivers that come in and do what needs to be done. Or Memory Care for mom and maybe AL for dad if he needs that.
Are the males in the family just not comfortable caring for mom doing personal care? If that is the case, get over it you do what needs to be done.
Sorry to sound harsh. I just do not think it is fair to your Sisters in Law to EXPECT them to do this.
Also, my sister advised me to not do even the showering thing because my SILs will never bother to be helpful with anything then.
I’m not including their husbands - i.e. my brothers - since they’re not “cut out” for housework. To me, the best solution would be to share the burden among us the three brothers- each caring for our parents 2 days per week. But they don’t like any solution so far, as they and my father thought l would handle everything during the weekend.
So, you get the point: once you do something, then they withdraw and disappear.
I suppose four people (2 brothers and their 2 wives) showering 1 person once a week isn’t such an insurmountable task.
Or let them chip in to hire the lady willing to do that, and the rest...I have been open to all solutions, and they know that.
You have done everything right. You have brought them together and talked, but it sounds like you came to no written verbal agreements on paper that is a contract. Joe's wife does Mom's shower on Mondays. Joe does shopping every Wednesday. Sue does the two months MD appointments, and etc.
Looks like it is you and Mom and Dad. Forget about the other siblings. Now question is how much do YOU want to do because "there will be no solutions as long as you are all the solutions" (thanks again Beatty.
I would cut back on your caregiving, not for a month, but forever. I would decide for myself what I can do. Check in a.m. and p.m. on phone. Arrange carefare to appointments. Shop on Wednesday. Whatever it is. And I would give that to Dad and tell Dad you will be there to support him in finding care when the care of Mom becomes too much for him.
I know it's hard. But just try to engrave this on your brain. The sibs aren't going to help much. My anger is going to chase them away completely and harm myself.
Sorry. I know how hard this is. But raising your own blood pressure is going to help no one, nor change a thing. I wish you the best. I hope you will let us know what works. If you had volunteer help of your close-by siblings this would sound like the ideal situation.
Ask them if they will take over wellness checks a.m. and p.m. given they live there. At least that will be done for you. Good luck.
Just a side note. I would not be okay if my husband volunteered me to shower his mom. Dad needs to hire a bath aid and take care of her in that way. Laying it on a daughter in law is not acceptable. Their children can make their own choices about what they will and will not do.
Any financial gains by anyone is exploitation because all of their finances need to be used to care for themselves.
I also want to say that no matter how hard you work for your parents they will never love you or regard you any differently than they have for your entire life. So, please do not stress yourself out trying to gain their approval, they don't have it to give.
Go visit, play nice and go home. They are adults and can handle their own lives. When they can no longer cope, well, I personally would not step up then either, I would provide a list of resources with the contact information.
EDIT: I just read all the posts. Okay, Tony, you have to get an occupational therapist in to the house and direct what type of equipment is needed to shower mom safely. You are worried about showering her for fear of falling, what do you think your SILs feel? Regardless of what is thought, women are weaker physically than men and they are likely to be injured by helping her as untrained bath aids as well as injuring mom.
Help dad find out what their insurance will cover and get that therapist in the house to help keep mom as safe as possible.
I can see where you are coming from. It really is sad when family doesn't come together to help parents. I am not saying that people don't have good reasons why they can't or won't get involved, prior abuse, live too far away or have Narcissist parents. But in your situation 2 brothers live in the same building. Is it really hard to check on their parents once a day? Your Dad can't throw a load of clothes in? Do a few dishes? My DH is 74 and does his own wash. He dries the dishes. He even runs the vacuum.
Your Dad could shower ur Mom. If you haven't yet, get a shower chair and a handle held shower head. She sits on the chair. You hose her down, then suds her up. Then hose her down again. There are dry shampoos. Special bathing wipes for in between showers. Your Dad can toilet her. If he is not willing to care for your Mom, and no one is willing to help, then maybe placing her in a Care facility is the best thing.
Is sister doing anything? If anyone should be bathing Mom maybe it should be her. If I had sons I would not appreciate them bathing me.
I think you would be much happier if you didn't expect anything from your siblings or SILs. I do agree, if ur parents have no xtra money that 4 children should be able to pitch in and hire someone to bathe Mom a couple of times a week. Maybe even do the chores you do. I wonder if the problem is your Dad. Everyone feels he is capable of doing a lot more than he does. But they need to realize, too, that caring for Mom 24/7 for is stressful and he needs time to get away. Is it so hard to sit with Mom why Dad has some time to himself? See if there are resources out there for them. Maybe a free or low cost aide. If you have a local Dept of Aging see if they can help.
When a question was asked on the forum "am I enabling Mom because I do such and such for her" a member answered "your not enabling, your disabling". You need to allow people do what they still are capable of doing for themselves. Dad may not like to do it, but he needs to.
Staying away for a month, I have a feeling u can't do that.😊 Do what you need to do for you. Don't worry about what the others are doing or not doing. Hopefully, u can find someone to bathe Mom. But realize, this may become too much for you to handle too. Mom will not get better so eventually she will need to be placed.
Sister cannot help much because she lives very far from us..
The only thing you can change is ‘you are willing to do it’. It’s tough on your mother, but you have to back off if things are going to change. Perhaps if your sister is likely to visit, you could back off before she comes, let her find it’s a mess, and have her hit the roof at your father and brothers. She can walk away from the row, but she might prompt a more realistic family planning meeting.
1. For the sibs to step in more? Share the load with you?
2. For a paid care-giver service to be affordable & replace what you are doing?
3. For Dad to take on his responsibility as a husband to care or arrange care for his wife?
I personally think taking the month off is a great idea.
Gives Dad time to actually see your Mother's function level. THEN he may be ready to acknowledge the present reality.
He may surprise you & start doing more himself... or he may sign them both up for assisted living! Wait & see.
That is not to say that you are not right in thinking that your mother needs more structured support with her personal care; and as for your poor Dad! - five years of supporting and living with a beloved spouse through comparatively early onset dementia must have shredded him mentally and emotionally. Poor man. I doubt if he knows whether he's on his head or his heels.
Perhaps your best next step would be to find the Area Agency on Aging for your parents' town and see what services might be available to help them. Family is not always the best resource, and there may be many alternative options.
My father initially offered money to the older SIL for the showering service, but she refused it. Not to be gossiped , apparently , or because she felt too proud to accept it.
As regards my father, l know that he’s been depressed, and I was always available to step in and stay with mom when/if he wanted to go somewhere. Plus, over the last years, l have spent my entire annual leave with them in my home, so that he could visit anybody he wanted, and go anywhere he liked to. And, certainly, l would do everything at home.
Just a quick comparison with my middle brother. He was off for 10 days during the first half of this month, and my father didn’t have the courage to ask him to stay with the mother, in order for the father to spend a few days in my hometown, where he was invited by my brother-in- law. Instead, he asked my BIL to ask my brother for the permission, but my sister advised her hubby otherwise, since that roundabout request was out of place. Whereas, me? Available for him even at short notice.
So, this was my problem: being always available for him, and doing everything for him around the house. When I didn’t fit into the “perfect son” model — by me rightfully reacting to something, or sometimes overreacting. Well, l admit, l have occasionally been a bit controlling in striving for the enhancement of their wellbeing — he would immediately report this ‘imperfection’ to my brothers.
These overreactions have been primarily due to him totally neglecting my mother’s serious health problems, in not informing us about the real situation when they were living in my home time.
At the same time, he knew that l would return to being their caregiver again. The vicious cycle kept going on and on.
But the last incident was really the marking point for me to finally become the predominantly unavailable son!
So # 1 (Bros & SILs step up) was a nice idea but hasn't happened in the real world. As I have written to others, no amount of pleading or pressure has changed this. In my past I tried both the passive hints, pleads, then more outright suggestions. Same response. Sibs will set their own boundaries. I was a bit sour until realising being bitter would not solve anything.
So you are left with #2 (other support services).
It can be really just a small adjustment in thinking. From *family only* caregivers to *family PLUS non-family* caregivers.
Use your month off to make calls, see what Govt services your folks quality for. If any council, charity or church run organisations provide homecare.
With a good care system in place, both your parents will be supported & your Mum can stay out of a nursing home for longer.
If only you, you burn out then they are stuck. That's how I see it anyway.
On the other hand, l admit that l have been direct - my sister, as well - when it came to my father by sometimes strongly pushing him, as head of family, to have us - his sons- come up with the best solution for mom.
He would have liked to come and stay with your sister and BIL.
He didn't like to ask the resident children if they would look after their mother meanwhile, to give him this short break.
So he asked your BIL to have this uncomfortable conversation for him.
Your BIL, and why shouldn't he, mentioned the plan to your sister.
Your sister said she wasn't having it, this silly way of going about arrangements, and put the kybosh on the idea.
Unfortunately, the outcome was that:
the request wasn't made
Dad didn't get a break
your mother didn't get the fresh pair of eyes on her that might have helped
the resident siblings are still enjoying the bliss of ignorance, but may live to regret that
your sister was annoyed
your BIL may have been deterred from getting involved again
you are left feeling you're the only one who ever lifts a useful finger.
So I can't really see that anybody did well out of Dad's preferred method of negotiating!
Off to work for now but will mull. There must be a way...
Good work ;)
Your mom can't be going eight days without a shower. That's disgusting and dangerous. She will get sick. Does your father sponge-bath her daily? My guess is no. Your father sounds like he's still capable of doing a lot of her care, but not all of it.
They need a home/health aide a few hours at a time a few days a week. The aide will make sure your mom gets showered and will help out with the housekeeping. It will be good for your father too because he will be able to get time off from caregiving.
Your siblings will probably be on board with the home/health aide idea. If they're not and your father isn't then it's out of your hands. As for your father's intrigues and complaining, you have to learn to ignore that kind of nonsense if you're going to have any kind of relationship with pretty much most elderly people. I can count on one hand how many elderly people I've known as a caregiver and not as one who did not fuss and complain, start up intrigues, and instigate fights and problems over just about anything. That comes with the territory. You and your siblings need to learn when to ignore and when not to. You'll all be better off.
As stated in the original post, my father only does the cooking for mom (and himself) and the dishes, but not other chores..Nor does he clean mom when she goes to the bathroom.
If I was you, I'd write down your priorities. I'm going to hope that your #1 priority is "Mom's care and safety." Number Two can be "Dad's care and safety."
Frankly, that's where the list should end.
Now you have to get past all the weeds that come with those two priorities, including "I was never their favorite," "SIL was too proud to accept money for showering duties," and any other moments where you find yourself becoming a mind reader. Chances are you're wrong about all those things, and even if you were correct, it's irrelevant. Far too many people play out entire arguments in their minds that are 100% off-base, and that is of no value to anyone. (BIG issue with husband's family, along with the Blame Game.)
Who has power of attorney for your folks -- anyone? That's the person who needs to take charge, and if they don't do it the way the others like, then too bad. There are too many captains of this ship, and not enough sailors. If no one is the POA, then I'd say you get the duties and can handled them how you see fit, because you're the only one who seems to give a rat's behind about your folks. That doesn't mean you get to dictate that your brothers and their wives needs to do certain chores, it means you deal directly with Dad (if he's even competent) to get help in the house to do the things that need to be done, or you handle them yourself.
Dad wants to be in charge of his own castle --I get it. Ask him to write down the things he'd like you to help with instead of you just blowing in there being all helpful on your own. (How dare you?? ;-) ) Some things are not negotiable, such as Mom being kept clean and properly cared for in the bathroom. This is why you will not walk away for a month -- she could get seriously ill from that kind of neglect.
Men especially want to feel like they are their wives heroes who are able to take care of them, so your Dad needs to still feel like that's what's going on. By letting him tell you what he wants done, he's in charge. If he doesn't want the house cleaned, don't clean the house. Pick up things they might trip over, but don't take it on yourself to throw out the piles of reading materials they never read or even wipe the shelves that have dust on them an inch thick. Some hills are worth dying on, and others aren't. The house needs to be clean in a way that's comfortable to them, not necessarily to you.
The best thing you can do is stop keeping score -- "Dad helped the brothers, and now they owe him." Your focus should be on helping Mom and Dad, and just get all the other noise out of your head. Sometimes things just aren't fair, and that's the end of the discussion.
Do what you know is right, because it is never wrong to do the right thing.
My father’s behaviour about mom’s current condition is totally baffling to me because he doesn’t provide any solutions for what can/should be done. l have asked him several times about what “solution” he has in mind, and he just mumbles.
(As to the “castle” thing, his real one is in my (his) hometown, which he really misses. Here he says he is living due to my mother’s condition.
And this also adds up to his overall sadness.)
My brothers’ (and SILs’) attitude is equally disorienting, since they seem to agree about sharing chores and obligations on principle but fail to do so, in practice.
Their undeclared and tacit agreement - including my father’s -was/is that l should/would cover almost everything, alongside some basic cooking my father does.
(On a separate note here, I should add that dad and mom unfortunately were never really close to each other during the marriage, and although he has been doing his best over the last 3-4 years, he ended up mom’s caregiver by default, not choice.)
lf they don’t step in properly during this distance l am willing to maintain, l will have to look for a female caregiver, for whom most likely l will have to pay. (Anyway, l hope this search won’t be too hard to finalise, since my parents live in the countryside , in a Balkan country, where being an old person’s caregiver is highly looked down upon. Despite this, l will do my utmost to find someone for mom if all else fails.)
And, sure, l will keep you posted.