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I'm the only one who takes care of my mom and used to be POA prior to mom's dementia. Years ago, my mom changed the POA while she had dementia, paranoid of me due to the dementia (I've always been closest to my mom and responsible one, brother always taking her money, etc) and mom couldn't drive anymore, from me to my brother who lives in a state far away. I live just minutes away. Her husband (not my dad) drove her to the elder law attorney to do it. Elder law attorney told me he wasn't sure at the time if he should have done it or not, but nothing I can do about it now.



So, brother always expects me to do everything even though I'm not POA. I'm only supposed to be POA if he declares in paperwork he can't serve. I'm tired of it & feel taken advantage of. My mom & I were always so close before dementia & my brother has always been the black sheep & done wrong, but when dementia came he was her knight in shining armor along with her husband who she used to cry about & want to divorce before dementia. He said he would leave when she didn't recognize him anymore and he did.



I love my mom & that's why I take care of her, sold her house when she needed long term care, found an awesome assisted living/memory care home for her, cleaned her house of over 40 years, fixed it up before selling, got the realtor, did all the paperwork, buy everything for her from clothes to personal items, etc, spend time with her, do her taxes, take her to doctor's appointments, take care of her in the ER when she falls and gets staples in her head, take care of her in covid and in the hospital for stays, am her advocate and speak for her because she can't, clean her when needed, do all medical & financial decisions.



I'm doing the job of POA & spending my money as well, while he sits on a tropical island & is POA & it's supposed to be his job.



I asked him for me to do POA & him to relinquish it, since I live 10 minutes from mom and I'm doing all the work, & he said yes, but refuses to do the paperwork, & now says no. I'm really p#$@$# off & have always been the one to do the right things in life. My brother helped turn my mom against me when she was in her paranoia and I did nothing but help my mom. He agreed with her that I was going to sell her house & make investments w/ her money which were all outright lies, & called her doctor to say I was doing elder abuse and even told her how I had talked with her doctor how she had been getting lost, etc when she would drive & call me @ work to tell me.



The only true part was about me telling her doctor about her getting lost while driving & not knowing her way around anymore (she told me this too) since her husband told doc she drove great. I told doc the truth because not only was I concerned about her, but others on the road as well.



I have never taken a penny from her, bought my own house with my own money from my job, have my masters degree, follow the law, have a great career, have always done right, & my brother is the complete opposite.



I'm going to tell him he needs to do the taxes this coming year since he's POA, but it stings because I don't trust him because he's untrustworthy & every time I talk with him I say black, he says white. He's like this with everyone.



I can't stand him. My husband says he'll probably take all of mom's money when she passes because he will say he needs it more than we do. We don't need it, but it's not what mom would want, not what she stated in her will. Should I just stop doing so much on decisions? I don't like doing everything when he's an idiot to me & yelling at me for dementia lies he still believes over me who was & still does tell the truth, while he's doing nothing. It's just like if someone is cheating on you & thinks you're cheating on them when you're not. He's the cheater in this situation...lol.



I do all this because I love my mom, but wish I didn't have an a@& of a brother to deal with. Thank you for any advice!

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Tell him you will get a lawyer. Then go see a lawyer. This is happening because you allow it. I would think a court can change this.
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Why not get a lawyer and get poa because he's not doing it?
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Did the will change when the POA changed then your in for a fight? If brother set up bank accounts as payable on death only to him then any money left in the accounts will go to him. The will is your proof to be able to sue on this matter.

You should let your brother know he has to sign a new memory care agreement as you are no longer POA. You need to do this right away. This will also effect hospice care. You should not be signing anything that has to do with memory care, REHAB, or the hospital. This is your brother’s legal responsibility. Do not mislead the company providing memory care.

Your brother is liable as POA and I would push that in his face. Who is the executor of the will? If you are the first in line as the executor of the will tell him you will be requesting all financial records when your mom passes.
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First you must understand the difference between you and your brother who holds a Power of Attorney Document. I am assuming he has a legitimate Power of Attorney, drafted by a lawyer at your monthers legal direction. A good lawyer drafts 2 documents" 1) Power of Attorney granting extensive powers for the appointee to act on behalf of the individual (trustee) including all banking, electronics, real estate, insurance, taxation....etc.. Its essentially a business license endorsed by the trustee to do all these important business and legal matters on the behalf of the grantor. 2) Medical Power of attorney. Grants the MPOA the strong legal right to make medical decisions. Any doctor whom you meet needs to know that you are MPOA and reserve the right to approve or deny treatments. You get to be part of every discussion. Its designed so you alone can protect the elder -should there be a time where they cannot speak for themselves in a medical emergency.

Power of Attorney and Power of Medical Attorney are like Knighthood. That person carries great power and should be chosen carefully. Because as ones parent becomes older, their mental facilities begin to decline and very important tasks like Banking, Investments, Real Estate, Insurance, and Taxes become infinitely more difficult for them to manage. I am the POA and MPOA for my 87 year old mother. It has been a long, stressful and super responsibility for me for over 2 years since my father passed. As POA and Executor of the estate I have to manage over $3,000,000 in combination of real estate, investment accounts, IRA, 529 College Savings plans. Selling an expensive $725,000 Southern California home near the beach..

The simple answer is, if she's chosen him as POA, then he has the official authority. You need to work with him. I hope he is worthy of the role and the two of you can work together to solve mom's problems.

If your brother holds that, he has the power, not you. He can grant you to do things. But legally, before a court, he has the right to make all the decisions.

This is basic POA 101. I was appointed POAIf so, that Power of Attorney he A Power of Attorney appointee is a power
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Edit: *It* could be revoked.
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jt145please Oct 2022
In the case of Revocation the key person who will defend the POA against attacks is the Attorney who wrote the POA in the first place. And if they hired a good attorney, that attorney will protect the elder and their POA from attack, unless it is obvious the POA has acted incompetently or maliciously.

I am a POA and I document everything, and copy my parents original attorney on all documents on a periodic basis. I defend my POA because its what I use to defend my mother against the public at large.
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Againx100 is right. Your brother is a jerk! Contact the eldercare attorney to get POA back from your brother since your mother was not of sound mind with dementia and made a mistake. You are doing all the work for her, but you should not be covering any of her expenses. This will complicate issues should Medicaid spendown be required for her care.
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Roseformom: Power of Attorney is put in place when the principal (in this case, your mother) is of SOUND MIND. As she was not of sound mind and the attorney was unsure about his part, there is perhaps a chance that is could be revoked. Check with your elder law attorney OR another more qualified attorney.
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"No good deed goes unpunished." Remember that quote? Well it would appear that the saying was written in your honor.

First I would contact another Elder Law Attorney to find out how to sue the lazy attorney who managed the transfer of the POA and has made your mother vulnerable, then contact the State Bar Association.

You're focusing on the wrong person who should be held responsible. BTW, why are you still in contact with your brother, why do you give him the opportunity to abuse you? Set yourself free and block him.
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That letter will show the judge u tried asking for assistance.
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I would send my brother a letter certified not saying what ur going to do. I would say that I’m using my money that I really can’t afford to use snd ur using her funds on yourself but not for her. Please send Xyz starting this day…..say I’m been doing abc since .. please help. If he doesn’t than u get started. Don’t tell him ur going to start court issues bc he may start actions on u and beat u to it. Keep us posted
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I know u love both and despite mom kind of throwing u off so to speak. If ur brother is not helping I suggest u get a lawyer not the one u have. U Have plenty of proof ur sole provider of ur mom. Once the judge see what ur doing verses him. The ball is in ur court. It’s always going to be another issue now ur brother is going to be upset. It’s either ur feelings or his u choose.
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Your brother is certainly a big jerk. Ok. Blow him off. Since mom's will is in order, you don't have to worry about what he might try to do. Well, he might TRY to screw you over, but he will not be successful.

At this point, I would just keep doing what you're doing. Except for spending YOUR money on mom's care. Hard NO. Not another cent. If there are things that are needed that she can't afford, then brother will have to figure it out. If she has the money to pay for these things, brother will have to start paying for them with her money.
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Message me privately. On the phone and cannot respond privately from here. I found a way to change the PoA without my sibling even knowing. But it will involve a move to another state.
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againx100 Oct 2022
This sounds illegal
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I just want to add- you’re awesome. I am impressed how dedicated you are despite your brother’s negativity towards you.

I agree, the fact that mom was diagnosed before changing her POA- big loophole to your benefit.

God bless you.
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You badly need the advice of an attorney. This is all muddied up and turned on its head and has been for a long time. You need help to get guardianship of your mother as you didn't address things as they happened; they will be very difficult to address now to say nothing of costly. You are also making the mistake of spending your own money on your Mom's care. You will need this for your own care in future. As someone who is recently turned 80, I can tell you it shows up real quick. Who gets the money when Mom passes, should she still have any, depends on her will if she has one or on whomever us appointed administrator of estate by the courts if she dies intestate. POA ends with death. Please see an attorney at once; your case is exceptionally complicated. I surely wish you the best of luck, but none of this has been addressed as it happened, when it happened, and now it is going to be really hard.
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POA is not the same as "Care taker" or Advocate. If your mother was officially diagnosed with Dementia, she would not have been able to legally change her POA. You might investigate that although your motives sound more anger-driven than care-driven.

You are not "taking care of her" in a hands on, 24/7 sense. If she needs more help than she gets in her ALF, she may need to move to higher level care.
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I live 3000 miles away from my father and am his POA. Once you are on all the bank accounts, have set up bills on auto pay, and have someone in place to help you in the area of your LO with any bills that checks are signed for, IMO it’s the easiest part of the caregiving journey. Once you get it all set up, the hardest part, it just requires diligence to monitor the accounts and make sure it’s all running as it should and a good spread sheet to keep it all organized. Being a state away is no excuse to not be able to do it. Tell your brother that he is POA and you aren’t doing another thing regarding mom’s finances until he relinquishes his POA and signs the paperwork. Right now he has it both ways and that suits him just fine. Only you can end that. By the way, POA ends upon the death of your mother. Then whoever has the legally assigned job of distributing her assets according to her will steps in. Your brother can’t just grab all of your mother’s money after her death unless she has left him everything. He can however grab her money (unethical and illegal) while he is POA. Get POA so he can’t do that. As soon as my father was dx I contacted his attorney to tell him in case my father tried to change his trust for some reason. He told me now that he knew my father’s dx he would have a very hard time allowing him to make any changes. However, it’s not as simple as a dx. People can still be “competent” and make changes if the attorney believed they understood the consequences of the changes they were making at the time. A dx of dementia does not automatically mean they lose all legal rights in that regard. It’s important to know your states laws regarding this.
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Does your mother recognize you? First, make sure any purchase from your funds is paper receipt documented. Have a dedicated box to store them in until your schedule will allow a monthly consolidation and reimbursement. In my state, unless you have full POA, banks will not allow you to write/sign checks from her account. Contact a different elder law attorney, make appt for consult and present your case. With your brother's distance and lack of participation it should not be difficult to change the POA or be appointed as her guardian. The stepfather obviously pre-planned his departure by assisting your brother, he wanted a clean break. You didn't mention how you're able to make her health decisions (on her HIPPA?) sell her house, etc., without full POA. Are you her designated representative for Social Security and Medicare? Incidentally, Social Security does not recognize POA. My late brother's bank would let me sign checks as his POA but nothing else. I'm sure you know POA ends with her death, when a valid will takes over. Try to not get burned out dealing with your brother's refusal to do the appropriate turnover of control. Go get it yourself through the legal system, understanding that you will need no further contact with your brother and the toxic relationship.
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Was Mom formerly diagnosed as having Dementia when she changed POAs. If so, that may be your way of getting back your POA. Actually, you could look at this as Brother sort of is hiring you to do his job so gives u the right to pay yourself. You should not be paying out of pocket. Everything comes out of Moms estate. If there is no money, then keep record of everything you spend and produce an itemized bill when the estate is probated.

If Mom has a Will and brother is an Executor, he has to follow your Moms wishes. He has to make sure all debts are paid. An accting needs to be done and signed off by all beneficiaries. This is when you contest anything you feel is wrong. I hope u have kept good records in case he asks for an accting.
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Roseformom Oct 2022
Thank you so much for your response and advice! Thankfully, my mom has a will that states her wishes. My mom was diagnosed with dementia a year or two before she changed the POA. So, yes, she was already diagnosed with dementia. I will ask her elder law attorney about contesting the POA, I'm just concerned it has been 9 years already since it was changed, and I don't know what the attorney can do, but it doesn't hurt to ask. As for the money for her care, my mom was one to prepare and has ltc insurance, a great retirement to cover her assisted living/memory care, and there is money from the sale of her house. The out of pocket expenses are all the things I buy her that are extra, like briefs, wipes, clothes, dental hygienist, personal necessities. I sometimes forget to write a check to myself, or forget things I bought for her, so there is money coming out of my pocket that isn't coming out of my brother's to care for her. I work full time and have a young family so I have a hard time sometimes remembering things I've paid for for my mom, because I have so many other things going on in my life. I will also make sure to talk with the lawyer to look over mom's POA and will to clarify what they say, what the outcome will be when she passes, and what my roles should be. Thank you so much for your help and understanding!
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Rowing the boat but lacking authority to change course is a dangerous situation in my opinion.

Brother could well sell you down the river..

What would you like to happen?

Is it for Brother to do the POA role? Take on tasks, either to lighten your load slightly or completely? (Coz he has shown already he won't - believe him).

Or is it to continue as you are - but, have the legal authority/POA again?

If so, I would seek legal counsel;
1. Was the POA change to your Brother legal?
2. Should you explore Guardianship or some other way to legally remove Brother? (Afterall you are performing this role already)
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Roseformom Oct 2022
Since I have been serving as a POA would be by doing the job, I will seek legal counsel about 1. and 2. above. He's not doing anything medically, financially, or mentally to take care of her, but see her for a week or less once every 3-4 years. There's nothing he can really do living in another state, hence the reason why my mom had me as POA. Thank you so much for your advice!
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I can’t imagine the elder law attorney admitting to you that maybe he shouldn’t have done what he did. He had an ethical responsibility to make sure she was cognizant, competent and aware. Usually attorneys assess the client pretty well because they don’t want to have someone come along and say they were deficient in any way. I’ve never heard of such a thing.
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Roseformom Oct 2022
Well, that's what he told me.
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There's plenty to do about it. If the attorney felt he shouldn't have set it up in the first place and would agree to make a sworn or notarized statement to that, then you could argue that the old POA with you in charge remains in effect. Your brother can stick it in his ear, and I dobt he'd fight you on it anyway, but it'd be good to have that statement in your back pocket if he chose to argue that your POA isn't valid.
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Roseformom Oct 2022
I will ask the elder law attorney, but don't know if he would go through with that this much later. It's worth a try. Thank you!
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