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Nothing that we say will ease your pain. You know that.
I will tell you that you couldn’t have possibly known that this horrific, vial and unforgivable act, actually it’s a crime, would be committed against your mother.
I know that knowing that you didn’t cause this incident, doesn’t make any of this any easier for you. It’s hard. It’s going to hurt. You don’t get over these things. You work through it as best as you can.
I am incredibly sorry that this happened to your mother and I am very sorry that you have suffered as well.
The only thing that I can say to you, is not to suppress your emotions. Vent on here, if you want to, but something this serious should be handled by a licensed professional who has experience with trauma and sexual assault.
Is this person who committed this act being held accountable? I certainly hope so!
THankyou for your responce. Mum begged me to take her out but I was in shock and didn't believe her. It happened more than once I have learnt. The person was a patient . Because Mum passed the police cant do anything. The Manager of the facility has since left. The guilt I have is never ending.
Patchie I am so sorry this happened to your mother and that the police are a bunch of worthless lazy sacks of crap. I would ask to talk to the police chief. This person needs to be held accountable because they will do it again. I am thinking permanent castration is in order for this bas--rd. Same with the facility and former owner both need to be held accountable. Make it so that owner never works in this industry again.
In the same vein it is not your fault. Please don't bear that burden of guilt. This is why I believe these facilities should be segregated by gender for their rooms at the minimum. Facilities need to do.more to.protect these vulnerable people in their care and with technology today it is possible. They just need to be forced by lawsuits etc to get on board. It's a damn shame they wont do it on their own because it's the right thing to do.
I am thinking the same thing. Chemical castration so he can safely be around females in the care facility. Or he needs to be removed to a facility for the criminally insane where he will not be around women.
I am so sorry for what you and your mom have been though. Life seems so unfair sometimes. Please don't take sick peoples issues on your own, and please do get some professional help so it doesn't stay with you for life.
Patchie, To what end your torment? What do you think your ongoing guilt now that your mother is gone can accomplish other than punishment eternal? This was a demented patient that approached your mother. And I would guess your mother already herself had some deficits that made her unbelievable in certain circumstances. Neither you nor the management apparently believed this, and how it was confirmed I cannot imagine other than that the offending patient approached others.
In life we make our best guess about EVERYTHING. And we are OFTEN WRONG. You were wrong. It is terribly terribly sad, but there were reasons at the time that you weighed the facts as you did. You were wrong. Do you think you are God, and must always be right? That's not very realistic. Your self flagellation now? What good will that do your mother? Is that what your mother would want for you? Will that make you "always right in the future". At some point you must recognize that your circular reasoning here, your self-punishment affects others negatively and is a CHOICE.
I would suggest you get psychological counseling so you don't harm those who depend upon you. If you however have no one in your life to harm, and wish to spend the rest of your days in atonement, then realize that is a choice, and do it if it makes things better for you, for anyone, for this our world.
How about getting out there and helping folks so you feel a bit better about yourself. There are seniors stuck in care who need volunteers. Look up The Village (usually .org, as in TheVillage.org) and go to help others. Stop this waste of your life.
I am sorry this happened. I know this will not help, but this was not your fault. You do not need to carry the burden of this - not now and definitely not for the rest of your days.
If it helps a slight bit, just posting this has helped me and perhaps others as well. I think most of us tend to question what a PWD may say. We then look to other indicators to either convince us it is true, or to rule it out. If nothing else is tangible to confirm their statements, then we rule it out.
My mom is currently being cared for at home by my dad who is ill. I assume he will pass first leaving my very vulnerable mother needing help bathing and dressing in a care home. This scenario could easily occur with her and is one of my darker fears about placing her in MC. Based on your post, I will now believe her.
As stated by others, if you have interest, perhaps it may ease your mind to re-channel this energy to lending support to others in need or to those who will benefit from seeing a supportive and friendly face.
Ginger, you write: "Based on your post, I will now believe her." Wait a minute - please understand that elderly people who decline cognitively make things up. A lot of things. Some sound perfectly reasonable, but they didn't happen. Don't think it wouldn't happen with your mom - I didn't think it would happen with my mom, either, but she was a prize confabulator. She KNEW her father was playing the organ in the loft in her house, but he'd been dead for years. She KNEW there was an animal staring at her from am artificial plant. She spoke very convincingly.
Most people in MC don't get raped or abused. When they do, there may not be indicators. Or maybe there will be. Each case is different, but I certainly wouldn't believe right away and unconditionally what any elderly person with possible cognitive issues says about anything.
You live with the guilt by making something good come of it. Bring on criminal charges. Force the criminal predators who sexually abused your mother face justice. If the state will not prosecute the people who run this rest home, find out who they are and destroy their lives. Start online and go from there. Pin a Scarlet Letter on every person who was supposed to be doing their job to make sure everyone was safe and not being sexually abused.
Sue this rest home into oblivion. Ruin them through litigation to the point where either they go bankrupt and have to close their doors, or they start running a tight ship where the security and safety of their residents are the top priority.
Do these things and your mother's suffering will not be in vain and for nothing. Ruin that facility Make sure these people who were not properly babysitting these people with dementia never work in the care field ever again. Ruin their lives and their careers. Do it for her, your mother. Make an example out of that facility that other care homes and their staff can learn from and fear.
That's how you live with the guilt. By avenging your mother's memory and making them pay. Good luck.
I think when horrible things happen like it did to you and your mom , when good can come out of it and you can educate people on your experience. I never in my life heard of this happening, your story has already educated me. And trust me it will always stay with me and I will share it with others. So just by reaching out to this forum has already educated so many. Find more ways and keep telling your story, And thank you for that.
I have heard all kinds of stories about sexual assualts and sexual predators living in and working in nursing homes. Sexual abuse happens alarmingly often in memory care facilities.
A person can educated about the OP's story until education is coming out of their ears. It will not help a damn thing.
The only way real change can be enacted in care facilities is if the ones that are abusing get into so much trouble and are made such an example of that the others will fear the state and it's consequences.
I don't mean some facility pays a little fine then everything is cool. No, I mean long prison sentences for facility administrators who are cutting corners on resident care and security to save a buck. Prison sentences for all those lazy nueses and CNA staff who don't think they have to walk the halls and do their rounds on their shifts if things are "quiet" and they don't. I mean multi-million dollar payouts to victims and if the victims like the OP's mother are deceased, then payouts to their families.
This is the only way any kind of worthwhile change can happen.
Confirmed by notes the care home kept that signs were evident. Also what my Mother told me. Confirmed by medium who gave details I don't want to think about I would choose not to believe the medium but she gave me Mums prior address and too many details that were true. I know the Manager has since left also some staff. The medium Said Mum said the man is not there now. I know I qas in burnout I didn't belive Mum I froze I went to my car and cried how could she say that to her daughter.
"The medium gave me details of the more than once sexual abuse I wouldn't believe her but she knew so much including Mums address I can't deny what she said is true. "
To clarify, there is *no actual physical evidence of abuse or witnesses* and you didn't report it as a crime and this took place 3 years ago?
I did report it to police after Mum passed when I read the notes blood on Mums sheets refusing to put on underpants. They spoke to Manager who denied it saying Mum wanted to leave so just said it. The police said they can't do anything about it as Mum passed. I am in New zealand. I have had a complaint to health and disability Commissioner 3 years now waiting for investigation. I went to my MP who has contacted HDC ON MY BEHALF. STILL NO RESPONSE
New Zealand doesn't have the same opportunity to make these organizations accountable. All I can do is wait for my complaint to be investigated by the Health And Disability Commissioners office Then I will go to the news media. The news media sre not interested unless it's proven. It is a nightmare but worse because I left Mum there. She said I will judt gave to put up with it when I said no its not happening Mum and When she begged me to take her out of there I called the nurse and just said Mum has told me something that is upsetting us both.We were both crying the nurse said I should leave and he would settle Mum I left and rang the Doctor and the manager who responded as if it didn't happen. I think I wanted to believe them as Mum qas never happy there .
Ginger yes some people lie with dementia. That what made me think it wasn't true But Mum eas never diagnosed properly with dementia. She had short term memory loss. Suffered anxiety all her life which became worse in the care home the longer she was there.
I am so sorry this happened to your poor mother. I got upset just reading this! I have an older sister who is currently in a nursing home who has experienced a similar thing with a male aide. Her daughter is her POA but lives over 3000 miles away. My sister reported the same thing and she has a picture of the aide. Now, she calls this aide her boyfriend and showed the picture to my niece. My sister doesn't have dementia, but she has been overly medicated by staff.
I'm in the US, and unfortunately, this happens. When I was in training for the second time around (first training took place in 1985) we were told that if two residents were consenting adults, for us to close the door to their room to give them privacy. I couldn't believe it! People in nursing homes are ill people and many with cognitive decline. So, how in the world can someone who couldn't make sound decisions, and could no longer be at home because they could no longer care for themselves, and at the same time be cognizant enough to make decisions to have sex in a facility! However, this is because we have a thing here called patient centered care, and they are now referred to as residents in nursing homes or clients in home care. To me, this sounds like some sh!t that big businesses cooked up to keep from being held accountable and being sued in case something like this happened, and they wouldn't be held liable. You have clients in nursing homes with an HIV status. So, if these residents decided to have sex with another resident who is not infected, what next? Is the couple tested? Also, if this is the case, is safe sex being practiced in these facilities and are they given condoms at the nurse's station? I apologize for my rant, but this is just plain crazy!
Nurses, aides and other personal practice infection control! So, why are these clients allowed to have intimate contact that may lead to an STI. When I was in training and placed with another CNA during my second training, we made a resident's bed. When we went back to check his bed, someone peed in his bed. They said it was him, but I saw a woman go in his room and close the door. When she left, it was pee in the bed. We had change the bed again. This does not sound like the actions of a sane person deliberately peeing in someone's bed.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Nothing that we say will ease your pain. You know that.
I will tell you that you couldn’t have possibly known that this horrific, vial and unforgivable act, actually it’s a crime, would be committed against your mother.
I know that knowing that you didn’t cause this incident, doesn’t make any of this any easier for you. It’s hard. It’s going to hurt. You don’t get over these things. You work through it as best as you can.
I am incredibly sorry that this happened to your mother and I am very sorry that you have suffered as well.
The only thing that I can say to you, is not to suppress your emotions. Vent on here, if you want to, but something this serious should be handled by a licensed professional who has experience with trauma and sexual assault.
Is this person who committed this act being held accountable? I certainly hope so!
In the same vein it is not your fault. Please don't bear that burden of guilt. This is why I believe these facilities should be segregated by gender for their rooms at the minimum. Facilities need to do.more to.protect these vulnerable people in their care and with technology today it is possible. They just need to be forced by lawsuits etc to get on board. It's a damn shame they wont do it on their own because it's the right thing to do.
I am thinking the same thing. Chemical castration so he can safely be around females in the care facility. Or he needs to be removed to a facility for the criminally insane where he will not be around women.
Please don't take sick peoples issues on your own, and please do get some professional help so it doesn't stay with you for life.
To what end your torment? What do you think your ongoing guilt now that your mother is gone can accomplish other than punishment eternal?
This was a demented patient that approached your mother. And I would guess your mother already herself had some deficits that made her unbelievable in certain circumstances. Neither you nor the management apparently believed this, and how it was confirmed I cannot imagine other than that the offending patient approached others.
In life we make our best guess about EVERYTHING. And we are OFTEN WRONG. You were wrong. It is terribly terribly sad, but there were reasons at the time that you weighed the facts as you did. You were wrong. Do you think you are God, and must always be right? That's not very realistic.
Your self flagellation now? What good will that do your mother? Is that what your mother would want for you? Will that make you "always right in the future".
At some point you must recognize that your circular reasoning here, your self-punishment affects others negatively and is a CHOICE.
I would suggest you get psychological counseling so you don't harm those who depend upon you. If you however have no one in your life to harm, and wish to spend the rest of your days in atonement, then realize that is a choice, and do it if it makes things better for you, for anyone, for this our world.
How about getting out there and helping folks so you feel a bit better about yourself. There are seniors stuck in care who need volunteers. Look up The Village (usually .org, as in TheVillage.org) and go to help others. Stop this waste of your life.
If it helps a slight bit, just posting this has helped me and perhaps others as well. I think most of us tend to question what a PWD may say. We then look to other indicators to either convince us it is true, or to rule it out. If nothing else is tangible to confirm their statements, then we rule it out.
My mom is currently being cared for at home by my dad who is ill. I assume he will pass first leaving my very vulnerable mother needing help bathing and dressing in a care home. This scenario could easily occur with her and is one of my darker fears about placing her in MC. Based on your post, I will now believe her.
As stated by others, if you have interest, perhaps it may ease your mind to re-channel this energy to lending support to others in need or to those who will benefit from seeing a supportive and friendly face.
"Based on your post, I will now believe her."
Wait a minute - please understand that elderly people who decline cognitively make things up. A lot of things. Some sound perfectly reasonable, but they didn't happen. Don't think it wouldn't happen with your mom - I didn't think it would happen with my mom, either, but she was a prize confabulator. She KNEW her father was playing the organ in the loft in her house, but he'd been dead for years. She KNEW there was an animal staring at her from am artificial plant. She spoke very convincingly.
Most people in MC don't get raped or abused. When they do, there may not be indicators. Or maybe there will be. Each case is different, but I certainly wouldn't believe right away and unconditionally what any elderly person with possible cognitive issues says about anything.
If the state will not prosecute the people who run this rest home, find out who they are and destroy their lives. Start online and go from there. Pin a Scarlet Letter on every person who was supposed to be doing their job to make sure everyone was safe and not being sexually abused.
Sue this rest home into oblivion. Ruin them through litigation to the point where either they go bankrupt and have to close their doors, or they start running a tight ship where the security and safety of their residents are the top priority.
Do these things and your mother's suffering will not be in vain and for nothing.
Ruin that facility Make sure these people who were not properly babysitting these people with dementia never work in the care field ever again. Ruin their lives and their careers. Do it for her, your mother. Make an example out of that facility that other care homes and their staff can learn from and fear.
That's how you live with the guilt. By avenging your mother's memory and making them pay. Good luck.
Find more ways and keep telling your story, And thank you for that.
I have heard all kinds of stories about sexual assualts and sexual predators living in and working in nursing homes. Sexual abuse happens alarmingly often in memory care facilities.
A person can educated about the OP's story until education is coming out of their ears. It will not help a damn thing.
The only way real change can be enacted in care facilities is if the ones that are abusing get into so much trouble and are made such an example of that the others will fear the state and it's consequences.
I don't mean some facility pays a little fine then everything is cool.
No, I mean long prison sentences for facility administrators who are cutting corners on resident care and security to save a buck. Prison sentences for all those lazy nueses and CNA staff who don't think they have to walk the halls and do their rounds on their shifts if things are "quiet" and they don't. I mean multi-million dollar payouts to victims and if the victims like the OP's mother are deceased, then payouts to their families.
This is the only way any kind of worthwhile change can happen.
I would choose not to believe the medium but she gave me Mums prior address and too many details that were true. I know the Manager has since left also some staff. The medium Said Mum said the man is not there now. I know I qas in burnout I didn't belive Mum I froze I went to my car and cried how could she say that to her daughter.
In a response below you wrote,
"The medium gave me details of the more than once sexual abuse I wouldn't believe her but she knew so much including Mums address I can't deny what she said is true. "
To clarify, there is *no actual physical evidence of abuse or witnesses* and you didn't report it as a crime and this took place 3 years ago?
Please confirm.
I'm in the US, and unfortunately, this happens. When I was in training for the second time around (first training took place in 1985) we were told that if two residents were consenting adults, for us to close the door to their room to give them privacy. I couldn't believe it! People in nursing homes are ill people and many with cognitive decline. So, how in the world can someone who couldn't make sound decisions, and could no longer be at home because they could no longer care for themselves, and at the same time be cognizant enough to make decisions to have sex in a facility! However, this is because we have a thing here called patient centered care, and they are now referred to as residents in nursing homes or clients in home care. To me, this sounds like some sh!t that big businesses cooked up to keep from being held accountable and being sued in case something like this happened, and they wouldn't be held liable. You have clients in nursing homes with an HIV status. So, if these residents decided to have sex with another resident who is not infected, what next? Is the couple tested? Also, if this is the case, is safe sex being practiced in these facilities and are they given condoms at the nurse's station? I apologize for my rant, but this is just plain crazy!
Nurses, aides and other personal practice infection control! So, why are these clients allowed to have intimate contact that may lead to an STI. When I was in training and placed with another CNA during my second training, we made a resident's bed. When we went back to check his bed, someone peed in his bed. They said it was him, but I saw a woman go in his room and close the door. When she left, it was pee in the bed. We had change the bed again. This does not sound like the actions of a sane person deliberately peeing in someone's bed.