I am caring for my 82 yr old grandma. She has a colostomy bag which is disposable and needs frequent changing. The problem I am having is that she no longer lets me change the bag for her. She went to stay with a relative for a couple weeks and during her visit she got little to no help with the changing of the stoma bag. She was left to her own devices and by the time she returned to my house, she insisted on doing the bag herself (in spite of her lack of ability) She ruined a whole box of stoma bags by over cutting them in an attempt to size the hole. She has some age related mental decline and is not the neatest person. She is forgetful and often careless. She puts the dirty stoma bagsx back in with the clean ones. I try to help her but she doesn't let me. She is also very sensitive so it is difficult for me to address these hygiene issues to her. I always speak softly and try to word things as gently as possible. Im worried about her stoma as it has become infected. She tells me "I changed the bag just now" but when i ask to check...I find the stoma naked with nothing but a paper towel covering the feces that's bulging out. I try to help her and let her know that she needs to accept the help or she will get and infection. She is very resistant. She isn't nasty verbally and she never gets an attitude, but she simply does not comply. She lies about changing the bag. When i get near her to hug her, she smells like feces really bad. She is constantly making a mess on the toilet. Everyday I have to scrub feces off of the toilet and surrounding areas. My dad (her son) makes excuses for her and never wants to sit down and talk to her about her hygiene for fear of embarassing her. It's understandable, but I also know that leaving a stoma exposed or without a CLEAN bag can lead to infection (which she has already had to go to the hospital for.) I am getting tired of cleaning up the same feces mess everyday, because this is something that can be avoided if she would only start letting me care for the bag again. She lets me do everything else for her. Sometimes I feel like she is taking advantage because she throws food/dirty toilet paper all over the house. I know part of this is related to her mental decline and age, but i still get frustrated and even more frustrated knowing that I can't express myself because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings. I'm starting to go through a lot of guilt because after I tell her "You need to change the bag, no butts about it" ...she get's upset and I feel so bad. I don't know what to do. I have grown accustomed to cleaning up all the messes she makes everywhere, but this thing with the bag and the feces on the toilet is just beginning to wear on my. Not just having to clean up the feces, but the stress of knowing she isn't caring for herself. Nobody understands and everytime i try to address it to my dad, he just thinks I'm complaining. I don't know what to do...I've tried talking to her but she doesn't listen. This is really having a significant effect on my daily life and emotional wellbeing. What can I do to get her to be more accepting of my help. I truly love her and only want the best for her. Any help or suggestions/insight would be greatly aprreciated.
(1) When dealing with children and some others, like your grandma perhaps, a good guideline sometimes is, "kind but firm."
(2) DON'T let her manipulate you with "hurt feelings." Better that you "hurt her feelings" than that she goes to the hospital with an infection.
(3) Sometimes you can shape someone's behavior with a system of rewards and consequences (not punishments). What are your grandma's favorite activities or "treats?" Whatever they are, use them as rewards for desirable behavior (e.g., allowing you to change her bag) or withdraw them until she exhibits the desired behavior. Always point out that she has a choice, as in, "Grandma, I love you and I don't want you to get sick. You can let me change your bag and (get a reward) or you can change it yourself and I will take away (whatever) until you allow me to change your bag. The choice is yours." This may sound harsh or cruel, but it's not. From what you have said, your grandma is very dependent on your care, which puts you in a position to use leverage (rewards/consequences) for her good. At this point, your grandma is "driving the bus" and grandma is in no shape to do so. (4) I hear that you get no practical or moral support from your dad. Think about having a visiting home health nurse or even a good CNA come and have a "kind but firm" straightforward talk with grandma about allowing you to help with the bag. Ideally, the health professional will be a LARGE person with a good balance of compassion and no-nonsense authoritarianism. If you have to pay out-of-pocket to get this kind of back-up, it would be money well-spent if you, grandma, or the family can possibly afford it.
(5) Get to a caregivers' support group ASAP and attend regularly.
(6) If you cannot imagine setting up some rewards & consequences for grandma so that YOU are driving the bus instead of her, go see a good professional therapist for support and coaching.
You write, "This is really having a significant effect on my daily life and emotional wellbeing." This situation - and your wellbeing - will only deteriorate further if something doesn't happen that hasn't happened before. "If nothing changes, nothing changes." It takes two to play and one to quit. Quit letting grandma manipulate you with guilt and passive-aggressive non-compliance. I do believe that you truly love her and want the best for her. Someone once said that if parents do their jobs well, their children will sometimes hate them. I'm thinking that the same may be true for the caregivers of mentally declining mentally declining octogenarians. Hope something I've suggested is helpful. Blessings to you and to your very fortunate grandmother.
What I can suggest is that it would probably be a very good idea to get your mom some in-home healthcare to come in and help her because this is definitely an emergency that can lead to life-threatening illness. Even if you have to get her to the hospital, do so and do so quickly. If she gets plugged up with feces, this will definitely cause various life-threatening health problems, including appendicitis. If the appendix becomes inflamed and actually ruptures, it will most likely kill you. I would definitely have medical personnel step in on this one
It is not "AgingCare" that is causing these to come up as new posts -- it is posters added new comments.