My daughter is an only child and I worry about the stress of being solely responsible for my care as life goes on. I have some pretty bad ongoing medical issues. I am presently living with her and my 11 year old grandson because of Covid-19. Please help me find resources to better handle the difficult situation.
A lot of good advice here.
God bless you, for your sensitive heart, for your daughter!
If a policy is purchased make sure someone is tracking that payment.
(1) Caregiver Resources, Articles & Videos
https://www.caregiverstress.com/
(2) 11 Private Support Groups for Caregivers on Facebook
https://dailycaring.com/support-groups-for-caregivers-on-facebook/
(3) Caregiving in America: The Strain, the Pain, the Emotional Drain
https://www.nextavenue.org/caregiving-in-america/
Please visit a lawyer to have your will, medical directive, and powers of attorney (medical and financial) drawn up. Ask him/her about legal issues of seniors as well as inheritance with your state's laws. Make sure to talk about drawing up a contract between you and your daughter that outlines what your financial responsibilities are while living with her: medications, food, lodging, transportation... Pay her accordingly and keep a record of payments. This will become more necessary if you need medicaid.
Please visit your banker to address financial issues. Talk to him/her about how to manage your finances so you don't cause legal difficulties or problems with medicare or medicaid. He/she can also let you know about any financial plans they have to help ease transitions of inheritance and paying bills.
Lastly, start gathering your care support network. I am not questioning your daughter's ability to care for you or her devotion. If she ended up sick or in the hospital, you would need somebody else to provide your care. Family, friends, and people from your church could probably step in for a short time for emergencies. However, if would be wise to have already screened and selected a home health care agency for longer term help. I would advise doing the same for an assisted living facility if your daughter becomes unable to provide your care.
I am praying that you enjoy a healthy life and wonderful relationships with your daughter and grandchild during this season of your life.
My main problem through all this was Medicaid's FIVE YEAR LOOK BACK. Which means that you and your loved ones must be able to see into the future. They expect you to know when you will get sick or hurt, and that any monitary dealings (like birthday presents, giving a family member a little money to help out, etc) is viewed as trying to defraud Medicaid. Remember, you are supposed to know what the future will be for you in five years.
You and your daughters finances will be tied to that five year look back. Please.... never start a joint account with your daughter.
I started an account and put my mom's name on it just in case something happened to me, that was for emergencies: like car repairs house repairs, or saving up to get my eye surgery. I was the only one who put money into the account every month, because it was my account with my money.
But when I could no longer care for my mom because of her advanced dementia, I had to put her in a memory care facility. And Medicaid, said, that all the money I had put in my account for over ten years was ALL HER MONEY. Not mine. And it all would be used to pay for the nursing home, before they would start Medicaid.
Get an elder care lawyer. Its money well worth the price.
Some communities have assistance now, where volunteers will do social distacing grocery shopping for seniors, where they shop, and drop the food off at the front door, ring the bell and stand a safe distance away to be sure the senior answers the door.
Bless you--wherever you land, you will make new friends and be a blessing to others!
What I should have done was talk my Mom into selling her house. It ended up being an Albatross around my neck. By the time she came to stay at my house, it was falling apart. My Dad had died 8 years earlier. No money for upkeep. She could have had a nice apartment. Easy to keep up. She could have sold it and lived off the proceeds. She would have saved on lawn service, taxes ect. I wasn't able to sell it till after she passed. In the meantime it just kept deteriorating. I had to clean out 60 yrs of junk. She had clothes and stuff of my late sisters. Things my siblings had left behind. I am a senior too and it was just me and some help from DH. The day I sold it a burden was lifted off my shoulders.
You can hire a reputable care agency (like Visiting Angels) to come in to help you as well. I've been very satisfied with this type of help. Also, I'm hoping your daughter is your durable Power of Attorney. It is critical that this get done asap. Whatever doctor you go to ask for the Medical Representative form and assign your daughter as your rep. This allows your doctors to freely and legally discuss your medical issues with her. This is different than a HIPAA release form or her medical PoA. You need the form for every doctor you see.
For the long term, and if you haven't already done this, you should invest in a consult with an elder law attorney who specializes in estate planning and is familial with Medicaid. I'm not sure if you family is living in your house or you are living in hers, or if you're paying her for your care, you need to know that what you do now with your money and assets will have a huge impact on what happens down the road as your care needs increase. Primarily, no not gift her money or possessions or assets in any way as this may disqualify you for Medicaid, should you need it (and you would be astounded how many seniors do need it who thought they saved enough). You should have a written contract for paying her for your care, you should be paying rent to her if you're in her house, etc. All your money transactions must have a paper trail. The Medicaid application can have a "look back" period of up to 5 years in some states, so it's very important that you talk to an attorney. I hope this info isn't overwhelming you but a little leg work now will save you and her lots of headaches in the future.
But the best gift you can give your daughter is to release her from being your caretaker. This means you researching Assisted Living communities local to her. She will be very conflicted and guilt-ridden about not providing your care, and you not being under watchful eye, but eventually it WILL overwhelm her. Her first priority is to her child and she needs all her strength, faculties and resources to do so. On this forum is the topic Caregiver Burnout. If you have any hesitation or doubts about moving on, you should read a few of the thousands of posts. I wish you all the best!
We had three trips to emergency room and rehab. I took her to dr appts and was able to stay close to the situation.
If you can set up separate living quarters to ensure you both have your own space it does work.
Plan where you would go if you health gets worse. Make your wishes known. It was a hard discussion but we had a plan that I could follow.
Make sure you have all your paperwork in order. The paperwork was a battle. She did not want to let me handle stuff but she couldn't handle it.
It was a long journey with ups and downs. She passed away this Feb and I am glad I managed her care.
You are very smart to check your options. Remind yourself that often siblings do not always share responsibilities. As an only child, I was very close to my mom and my daughters witnessed what family does. Hope they will be able to do the same for me.
Best of Luck
If you can sit down a write a "promissory note"
You will not refuse care from paid caregivers...
If caring for you becomes burdensome you will not refuse to go to Assisted Living or Memory Care.
Sign now a POLST form that gives directives how you want medical treatment handled. Do this now so she does not have to make decisions based on what she thinks you would have wanted. And so she does not "feel guilty" after making a decision.
And or if you can afford it, as much as you may like living with your daughter when things get back to "normal" or what our new "normal" will be start looking at Independent or Assisted Living facilities to move to so that you will have a space of your own, and you will have a variety of activities that you can choose from. This way she will not be responsible, she can be a daughter first not a caregiver, she can be your Advocate in the future not a caregiver.
You sound like a great dad and grandpa!
Contact the Area Agency on Aging in your county. They will help you to locate resources and the maze of elder care. If you are a veteran there is help there as well. In the meantime day as much as you possibly can for yourself.