How do you deal with a parent who lies and lives in a fantasy world, but isn't diagnosed with dementia?
My 89 year old mother constantly lies to me about her financials. She recently told me that she was charged $600 by her lawn care people to rake her lawn, when in reality the amount was for 6 months of lawn care, she told me she was charged $145 to have her driveway plowed once, which in reality was for three plowings. She is late paying her property taxes because the reality is
she spends about $650 per month on average on QVC purchases, and gives my schizophrenic sister around $600 per month in cash.
I confronted her on this and she had a meltdown and denied everything. I visited her for Christmas and brought her a white poinsettia, and an apple pie. She said to me that she gave me $120, and I gave her nothing.
I told her she should be spending her money on improving the safety of her home, and having someone come in to help her do her housework once or twice a week, rather than spending it on junk food from QVC - she buys lots of candied apples, and other very unhealthy processed food from them and ends up giving them away to people she barely knows.
She got extremely angry with me and told me she can do what ever she wants with her money and was planning on changing her will to write me out of it.
I have spent the last 4 years taking her to her doctor appointments and modifying her house to make it safer for her. I work very closely with the visiting nurses she been assigned during a bout of gout, leg infections, etc. She always fights with them, and accuses them of stealing from her.
She is completely incapable of acknowledging the things I've done for her. I am now choosing to stay away from her, because she only seems interested in telling lies, living in denial and fighting.
When I question her choices she always gets very mean.
Any suggestions?
Thanks!
But even if you cannot get a diagnosis, I think you can assume that your mother has something wrong, and it probably is dementia. And then start learning how to deal with dementia and treat her accordingly. For example, don't argue with her. Don't correct her. Forget about reasoning with her.
I think control is the main thing. Telling lies and abusing others can help keep control. Just today I mentioned to my mother that it did not help her to say bad things to me. Her only response was that deserved it. Personally I know I am just a normal person that leans toward the good side. Anything she digs up to the contrary is just her personality. It is hard to live with, so you have my support in whatever you decide.
My MIL was like your mom. She would always tell lies and exaggerate. This is what made her dementia so hard for family members to agree on. A history of lying, poor housekeeping, and not really being very bright, add in show timing and you have the start of many family disagreements regarding whether or not she had dementia.
Sadly, her dementia had to become quite severe before she was properly evaluated. She could have injured herself or others during those years (she was driving!)
When her geriatric psych exam was done it also listed that separate from the dementia she has a "psychiatric disorder". Her sons and DILs had always agreed that she was some sort of sociopath (seriously). The woman has no conscience.
I think having an evaluation is important.
I read this and it was deja-vu. It really sounds like your mom has dementia. I went through much of the same thing. My mom's finances were a mess; she told me things that were not true (but she believed they were); she accused me of stealing, etc. etc. Unfortunately people with dementia are very delusional and the delusions are very real to them. No logic or reasoning in the world will make a difference.
Some people don't want to accept their shortcomings. That was my mom and it sounds like yours. She never accepted her dementia diagnosis.
I would recommend getting an assessment - don't tell her - she will refuse. The logic and reasoning are gone. Once you get the assessment - embrace the help of professionals out there. Does anyone have POA - sounds like her financials are a mess. The problem here are things are only going to get worse.
I went to a local hospital, had a geriatric assessment done and the social workers directed me in the right direction. Its very common with people that have personality disorders also get dementia.
Sorry, I wish you the best - its never easy.
It is hard when you cannot sit down and have an honest conversation about the real issues when dealing with the elderly.
Good luck!
I don't blame you for distancing yourself, but arranging an evaluation for her and seeing her through that would be a kindness.
After my father died my mother came to live with my husband & I. It was agreed long before his death that it would be better for her and I could keep a close eye on her health. The first week, my mother made a statement to my sister that started World War III saying "Let's face it...Lisa could steal me blind and I wouldn't know it!"
My sister immediately accused me of this and then she called EVERYONE in our family including, brothers, cousins, aunt, HER mother-in-law (who LOVES to gossip), sister-in-law, well you get the picture!
This little action by my mother has changed my life and relationship with my sister. It will NEVER be repaired and it's all because of dementia. I suggest you get family members on your side and have her evaluated. There are medicines for ALZ/Dementia that will help it not to progress as fast. She sounds depressed also. There are meds. for this too.
Money is ALWAYS a preoccupation with the elderly "will I have enough for the rest of my life?". My mother has this problem too. I do not talk to her about money anymore - it worries her and it's exhausting for me. I do have to say, she has always been tight with it.
Please try to stay sane...for your own health and I wish you all the luck in the world. Taking care of an elderly person with "head issues" is challenging. God Bless you - she needs you in her own warped way.
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