94 y.o. NPD with dementia doing her thing again, doing her best to be miserable and act out as I am waiting one more week for a vacation. And this is not just any vacation.... my son is getting married out of country and I absolutely can't wait to go! Earlier in the year, I had contemplated bringing Mom with me... before she had a stroke and heart attack 4 months ago. Since then things have steadily gone downhill, vision, hearing, forgetfulness and nasty attitude greatly increased.
I have been doing my utmost to please her and do things to make her time in which I am away as easy for her as possible. Had tentatively planned on an agency providing someone 9-5 M-F, and my daughter and her boyfriend would be here nighttime and on the weekends.
But now for the last few days, she repeatedly said she wants to go to the hospital. And I repeatedly discussed how she is not ill and cannot be admitted to the hospital. So this morning I am working in my home office, door closed in the back of the house (she was still not up for the day) and all of a sudden a loud banging on my front door!!!! It was EMS... OMG. So we all walked to Mom's bedroom; she denies having pressed the pendant emergency button.... she may have forgotten but knowing her, I really do not think so; she just wouldn't acknowledge it. Anyway, I explained to EMS what I thought was going on, that she was looking for a way to go to the hospital because I was going away in a week. They were nice... Mom was doing her weepy, not well thing and that was that.
So I go back to work because she is ignoring me and I really cannot take another argument at the beginning of the day. Meanwhile, she goes to fix herself coffee and a croissant and sat on the patio. I managed to get her AM meds to her. And much later she came inside and went to her room. This evening she came into the living room where I am working and wanted help with writing a card; and I said we need to wait for a little bit as I was still working. So she sat in the chair turned away from me, back facing me, and has not talked to me all day.
So now I do NOT want to put all of this onto my daughter to watch at home, so am back to looking at assisted living for respite for 2-3 weeks. And when I come back, will really have to look at whether she needs to stay. She does not have Medicaid, so will have to look at $$ closely because I cannot keep on going like this.
Anything, other ideas, suggestions would greatly be welcomed. ( I may just stay permanently on vacation and not come back... I wish :(
You know what to expect, so don't worry and enjoy yourself.
3 days to launch!
I DID buckle to my mother and NEVER took a trip for husband's and my 30th anniversary because OMG - what if she took ill? Now we are too old to travel long distances and she is dead.
I think some of it is her anxiety about a 'change'. The two of you have certain ways of doing things and she probably knows it won't go as smoothly as when you are there. I went through similar issues prior to my vacation with mom saying several times it would be better if I put her in the hospital while I was gone -- and it just doesn't work like that.
Family came to do the caregiving and it all worked out ok, but I could see the anxiety kind of building prior to me leaving. -- Don't change your plans. You already know if something were to go wrong, your daughter would take her to the hospital. If you take her to facility this time, it could become the norm for ANY amount of time you need to be gone. Leave things as they are.
Find an assisted living community nearby that will do a one month respite stay. It's gonna cost you (probably $125 - $200 per day, depending upon her needs) and it may be the best money you've ever spent. It's probably not much more than you'll pay for home care 9-5.
Be sure to choose one that your mom can afford because, if it works out, you can make her residency permanent. Take your daughter with you since she will be the one to address issues while you're away. Tell your mother it's a hospital of sorts, since she's hell bent on checking in, that could work to your advantage.
Image how wonderful it will be to have a month's respite (and maybe longer!).
What ever you do DO NOT CANCEL YOUR TRIP, because then she would realize that she has a top hand in everything thereafter - good for you to try & spare your daughter the stress - I hope you find some place for her both temporarily & permanently
1- Maybe you can get daughter and he boyfriend to start hanging out at your place in the evenings so she get more used to them being there. Before they take care of her without you.
2 - Maybe you can have home health come a few days before the vacation while you are there to get her used to them as well.
3 - She does not have good coping or decision-making abilities anymore. So, consider what would be appropriate for a younger person with the same difficulties and give her only appropriate options for choice.
4 - She is allowed to have her "moods" and "not be happy" about your vacation. However, try to channel her frustration into healthy outlets: talking about it, making meatloaf or bread or cut-out cookies (something OK to pound), physical exertion... If her moodiness is continual or causing more problems, consider talking to your doctor.
Have a great time and glad mom is back to being nice.
PS. When my mom switched from her "regular internist" to a geriatrics doc, he took her off all of her meds except for one bp med and set parameters for that. Mom's health improved dramatically!
I've never read anything that leads me to believe that Aricept has much utility to most dementia patients, but the Norvasc is for high BP, yes? Is she getting another bp med?
We had a very sad poster on here about a year ago who stopped a med without seeking medical advice due to perceived side effects. Patient died. Not sure about cause and effect, but the poster felt awful.
But as an RN with many years' experience in the cardiac field, and even not, the side effects my Mom had were classic and were horrible. Google "amlodipine hell". I think that is a medication that should be pulled off the market. I gave it so many times to patients in the hospital, but never saw those patients again to see how many wound up having side effects.
Mom is on 2 other bp meds and her blood pressure is 130-140's/70's. But doc, like many doctors, think bp must be 110-120's/70's. Too many medications are just not good for most people, let alone a 94 y.o. And so now, she is back to only 12 meds in the AM and 4 in PM, still too many, but so far she can still take them easily.
Since stopping these meds, which were only started in the last month, Mom has improved dramatically, feeling better, mental status much better.
Sound cruel? Ask yourself this, does she ever do or say anything kind to you that uplifts you? My guess is no. So why are you so worried about her feelings?
Enough is enough. I know that is blunt but you cannot run your life 100% around someone who age and dementia have made totally narcissistic. You have to have a break and she needs to be looked after, respite is not so different from a hospital except she will be able to move around a bit more.
You are looking for something we cannot give you - permission, and lack of feeling guilty. So do what is best for you and for a change give your time to the younger generation.
I called him from Florida this year. First thing he said "now don't worry but I've had to call the doctor out". I didnt worry for ONE SECOND because based on past experience this was just a cold. (I was right as I found out later!).
Oh and hospitals. Twice now hes had a cold and thought he should be in hospital. Several doctors thought not. Day later (both times) he "had a fall and banged his head". Both times hospital said it looked "strange". BUT he got his wish admitted to hospital.
I would contact her doctor, a social worker, someone familiar with her situation to look further into her condition.
Yes, it’s stressful but this may be her way of crying out for help.
Dementia patients ts are notoriously bad at localizing pain and other symptoms.
I understand that you are at the end of your rope. But consider than your mom may be ill and can't explain what she is feeling.
I agree that she'd be better off in a respite facility.