I was asked to possibly care for a friends, boyfriends Mom who is later stage dementia living at home. I asked if be alright to have the family member fill out a "Life Story" for me to understand all I can about his Mom's life to enable me to offer the highest person-centered care. He is totally resistant to this, yet he wants exceptional care for his mom. How do I handle this situation? Any suggestions? Thank you in advance.
Crysta
Personal details such as social history may be great small talk starters. Past interests could help provide activities she would enjoy now.
It is possible the family saw this request as prying or a bit nosy if they did not understand your reasons.
It may nice to have, but not absolutely essential..?
Can you work for this family may be the bigger question.
You will be an employee of the elder, pay just deduct all withholdings, taxes, medicare. This must be done to protect this person from being denied Medicaid when it becomes available.
If son is having difficulty providing a life history, I would be surprised if he is planning to hire you legally. If not willing to do these two things, run away, as fast as you can!
It's not a good idea to work for friends or family. It really isn't when it involves caregiving for seniors or childcare. Bottom line is strangers often try to take advantage of the person providing these services. When it's friends or family, two hours a day turns into five, that turns into ten, that turns into we need to drop mom or the kids off at your place because we're going on vacation.
They won't pay either. I worked for a friend's family years ago. This experience ended our friendship and she was my best friend since we were kids. We haven't spoken in over 14 years. The job for her grandmother who was a nasty, horrible, disgusting woman. She lived on the first floor with her son and DIL. My friend and her boyfriend at the time lived on the second floor. The hours, days, and pay were agreed upon in advance.
A couple weeks in the tardiness started. Someone would need to stop off at the grocery store, or had an appointment, or had to run an errand (her parents still worked), or needed to go to the gym to let off some stress. Or stopped off for a drink after work. A few times I even saw my friend or her boyfriend pull in the driveway (late) and head straight upstairs to their place. I didn't care about extra pay because I didn't want extra hours. I all but had to pull teeth to get my regular pay. I was only helping them out for a few weeks as a favor until the grandmother was placed and I gave them a special price. After six weeks I asked when she was going. The answer was the facility didn't have a bed yet. That was a lie. This arrangment was working better and cheaper than placing her. It was also protecting assets.
The Wednesday before Thanksgiving they all secretly left from their jobs to the sister's house. Assuming that I'd watch grandma over the holiday (because I worked for them on weekdays) or I'd take her with me wherever I was going. I waited a few hours and called the sister who said no one was at her house. I called the cops and told them the family went missing. They vanished and I couldn't reach them. The cops came with APS and I gave them the family contact info. I locked up the house and grandma went with APS. The police were able to get in touch. They were all up at the sister's house, one state over. They never spoke to me again. I tried reaching out over the years, but for nothing. They never got over it. This is what happens when people agree to caregiving work for family or friends. They take advantage. It's ends relationships. It breaks up friendships, marriages, and families. Don't do it.
Never agree to be a live-in, either. You will have no relief, no life, and get "stuck". You can read the tales of woe from live-in caregivers on this forum. And, if you are being paid cash, you are not having money put away for your own SS. It's a "win" for him but a big loss for you in the long run.
Also, the guy being unwilling (or lazy?) should be a red flag to you right out of the chute. I'd say no just based on that poor start.
I think it is a great idea to know of a patient's past so you can understand when the patient says something, like wanting to go home. It would like you to know what home she is talking about. Her likes and dislikes, etc.
Sounds like your friend's boyfriend can't be bothered putting together a life story. It's not like you want a dear-diary word or word background. This in it self makes me wonder why kind of employee he would be.
Your boyfriend doesn't want you to have any history on his mother because they did not have a healthy, functional parent/child relationship. This would be the obvious reason.
The other reason may be that he wants 'exceptional' care for his mother but doesn't want to pay exceptional prices.
There's too many red flags popping up here. If I were you I would not take this on.
I was an in-home caregiver by profession for almost 25 years. I know better than to ever work for friends or family. It rarely works out well.