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She is 74 but very frail. Her middle daughter died in a car accident 7 years ago and it has been very hard on her. Her husband has been gone for 22 years. She lives in Fl without any family nearby and we live in Texas. We have been trying to make sure our family or my husband's sister sees her every 3 months. But she's loney and just listens to books on CD and sleeps and drinks Boost. It seems ridiculious for her to be alone so far away, but she won't come if she has to live any where but with us. She "friends" who she can call in a bind, but can't even grocery shop on her own because her feet are so bad. We have offered her to come live with us and our 2 kids who are 14 and 17 to coax her closer. She is warming up to the idea and now I am panicing! Infact it looks like she will be coming in November, and I am scared. We have a large house all the kids come to. We have 1 dog and she's bringing a cat and small dog. I don't even like cats a little. She just mentioned she doesn't always make it to the bathroom. WHAT AM I GETTING INTO? She was a nurse though and is pretty realistic. I am only willing to do so much (because BELIEVE ME MY MOM WILL WANT WHAT EVER I DO FOR MY MOTHER IN LAW x 100). We have always had a good relationship, but reality is, my husband will be of very little help, partly because of work, and partly just because. We will have 2 in college next year but are in better financial shape than most and she has a suppliment on top of medicad. Her feet are terrible she should use a walker but doesn't and now her hands shake. Her bones don't heal very well. Her jaw elbow and feet have never healed properly but other than that and high blood pressure she is pretty good. What do I need to do to prepare for this and how do I set expectations for the future?

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Wow where to began. Begin with your husband. He "has" to be the involved in her care, if you think he's not going to be involved fully then DO NOT have her live with you. I can hear you now,"well he is very busy at work" blah,blah,blah. It's his mother!

If he'll feel better emotionly that she lives closer to him then AL or Nh is probably the best option, if he is not going to commit to her care giving daily..

You Need to let your husband know that this is a full time job and you should not be obligated to take it on.

Think long and hard before you leap into this!
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It sounds like your MIL needs assisted living rather than in-home care with cats/dogs/kids underfoot. If that is not the plan, in-home caregiver should be the minimum requirement you place on this arrangement. In view of the distance between you now, I understand why you would have no idea of the time/energy commitment this all involves. Will her bedroom and bath be on the main floor. No stairs involved? Bring in someone to evaluate the home environment. Area and throw rugs-- gone. Access to bathroom --- higher toilets, shower chairs, grab bars will all be required. Medicaid is a state run plan, you will have to apply in your state. I agree she should be nearer to family. Does your sister-in-law live near you? What will her contribution be? Time? Money? Aides will have to be paid and that is expensive, call some agencies and ask what the going rate is. Will your MIL's income cover that?
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Oh gosh ya'll are helpful. I don't know if she needs all that much care... yet. She has been "living" in her own home this whole time without assistance. And I think being around people more she might actually end up getting a lot better and live to 100! But the feet will always be an issue so she will go from our downstairs guest room to the kitchen. Which of course has been our family hub. Not that I don't want to include her but it's just the ALL THE TIME thing that is sticking. She just won't ever leave the house without us I am quite sure. The other sister lives too far to be of any help except maybe once a year we can have her go there for a month? I'm only 46. I am thinking my mother in law with our care will live 10 more years. I'll be 56 then my mom will be 83 and come live with us. She will live to be 100 and I'll be 75 and start livin the life! (Sorry for the pity party, I have it better than soooo many).

So let me throw this out. We have 2 staircases (Texas houses are big) We could add an elevator and put her in the room with bathroom that was our daughters (she's in college). It's roomier and affords us more privacy. Is it unrealistic though? When I mentioned one of those seat elevators she said she'd feel a million years old and somehow we said guests could use that room since we are trying to coax her here, but really that is where I would like her to be if it going to be long term - especially with a cat.
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Your post shows that you are having serious second thoughts about this arrangement. Now is the time to speak up, because once your mother-in-law arrives, your well-founded concerns will become a reality.
You mentioned several issues, including your husband’s lack of involvement, her pets, her frailty, her incontinence. These issues do not include the surprises that you have yet to discover – and there are sure to be things that don’t know about yet, or have not considered. The dynamic could present a real threat to your existing family life. It might be uncomfortable and difficult for you to speak up about this now, but it won’t be any easier after she has arrived and you discover the magnitude of what you have taken on. Spend a few minutes reading the multitude of posts by others who are similarly situated; it will give you candid insights about the challenges you will face with this situation.
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Debdee28 is so spot on. Read her comment often. You are having second thoughts already and she's not even living with you..Discuss this with your husband and children. Show your husband the posts from this site..
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Can you go spend a week at her place to assess the needs before she moves?
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Caregiving sounds and is noble. BUT there are serious sacrifices and potential bombs if not planned appropriately. You need to have VERY clear boundaries when it comes to caregiving. It sounds MUCH easier than it is. You will need to schedule breaks during the week, long weekends and vacation. Call Home Instead or other caregiver providers (including family members) and schedule these breaks with experienced caregivers. Your caregiving will include but not be limited to: doctors appointments, shopping, preparing food, changing diapers, bathing, getting her in and out of bed and into a wheelchair, picking her up when she falls (and then eventually you will have to call paramedics because she won't be able to help you at all), laundry, cleaning, yada yada yada. It is never ending. Then you will have to deal with the volume of the television - get headsets for her.

I love caring for my Mom - but know that without real love and grace, it would be impossible to serve her well.

Tell your husband he MUST be involved otherwise you will not do it. Seriously.
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I am 75 and my mother is 101 and still going strong except for her mind so she is getting more difficult to deal with. She is still in an ALF and I am 5 hrs drive away and the stress of even distance caregiving has affected my health. Do you really want to sign on for that ,any years of hands-on caregiving? I would give this very careful thought. It is not too late to make other arrangements like an ALF near you. Apparently your mil is of sound mind so she can make decisions. I agree that your husband must be involved in some fashion. Even with her in an ALF there are things to do. Remember she will only decline over time and need more and more care. Then you say you will have to care for your own mum.

What do your kids think of this? They and your husband and yourself are your first responsibility. I think having your mil in your home with her pets will be extremely disruptive to your family life and your kids will suffer. They are at a very critical stage on their lives where they need your support as they launch into young adulthood. I would not used them to entice your mil. Their needs must come first. Think about it carefully.
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I am thinking, she might benefit from a nutritionist and some rehab when she comes to you. Perhaps that could raise her level of self care and mobility. And take some of the responsibility from you. Adult day care a few days a week might be an option or a paid companion. See what services she is elegible for.
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By the way, what kind of care does your husband want to provide for his mom? Does he suggest an ALF at all? Or is he leaving it to you to decide??
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"WE" I presume is not the correct word to start your question!
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74 is just so young & really you are looking at another 20 years! I wouldn't do it.

Now 1 point in all this which hasn't come up is $$.
How much monthly income does MIL get and what are all her assets? the costs for home health need to be coming from her if she has the funds. She has SS, so there is some money. What other funds are there? Personally I'd do Quicken or Quick books on all this from day 1. This will be important for if & when your mom moves in and hubby starts backing off on paying for things as it;s your mom and doesn't want to spend his $ on your mom.

What realistically will your hubby do? Will he just dump everything to you? would he get down on his knees and clean up pee from the floor? Will he take 20 minutes to help his mom get dressed and get her walker set up each morning? Will he drive his mom down to Dallas to be seen by the gerontology specialists at UT Southwestern, will he schedule her appointments and do all the insurance follow-up needed for his mom?

in alot of ways since your mom still isn't living with you all but plans to be I'd use that as a big negotiation tool in all this. Like say to your hubby....if you are not going to do this for your mom, then either I need to have a personal services contract to be paid to do this for your mom and then we will do the same with my mom OR if not then your mom hires home health care to do all this for her OR she moves into an independent living facility (I'd make it a short drive like in Allen or up in Sherman). I'd start looking for IL right now on my own and have the list ready.
If there is an IL facility that is part of a bigger "tiered" facility, I'd put her on a list for that place. By tiered it means it goes from IL to AL to NH. In theory, they move along the system as they age and their needs change. IL in these places is often pretty reasonable in cost as the big profit center is the AL facility.

About the November visit, I'd find a way to need to go away for 3 maybe 4 days to see my family (take your kids too or have it so that dad can't dump on them) so that he has to deal 24/7 with her.

About the elevator, they are expensive. We looked into them when rebuilding after Hurricane Katrina as we are at 25' elevation. Indoor/inside elevator about 30K and requires annual inspection and do effect your house value negatively. We did a exterior utility lift instead for about 8K but technically these are for "packages" that weight under 230 lbs. Having her upstairs will be a problem eventually, she needs to be on the ground floor and then have all the doors changed or removed so that she can get around in her walker. Retrofitting a bathroom for her...and that bathroom will be kinda nasty so you all won't want to use it. Maybe need to remove all rugs too or change flooring if she has a shuffle walk (my mom had this as she has Lewy Body dementia, all rugs removed) I think it's unfair to give grannie one of your kids room too. They will be coming home from college and perhaps even grad school - speak with the kids about this honestly. Our son refers to his room as his refuge of last resort and he kinda needs to know that it is there for him no matter what as long as we have this house. Please include your kids in these discussions. You would be crushed if your kids just stopped coming home because it's all filled with old lady smells and stuff and with no privacy
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Just reading your question leaves me with the impression that having your mil live with you and your family is a bad idea. You could run the risk of resenting her presence and disruption of your family. My mil lived with us for 4 years and after she tried to kill herself we moved her to a home. She had blamed me for her unhappiness - this, after her daughter couldn't deal with her personality. I have told our children that I would never live with them - and no matter what I say, begging or whatever - find me a place where I will be comfortable and taken care of - with no regrets.
I am 83 - taking care of my husband who has dementia and learning that every day presents a different problem and to say - he can't help it. This is what it is.
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I need to let you know that Assisted Living DOES NOT provide care. The words are misleading and many people have made the mistake of putting their loved ones in assisted living and no care is provided. It is communal living with a shared dining room, laundry and housecleaning services and that is it. It sounds like your MIL needs to either live with "somebody" who has the time to look after her needs or she should go into a Long Term Care facility. Good Luck !!
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re no care in AL - in Canada - not sure in the US - some care can be provided in an ALF. My mother is 101 and lives in an ALF. She has "home care" come in 4 times a day for about 1/2 hr to help her bath, dress, and to make meals as she has food sensitivities and cannot eat the dining room meals. I believe she gets charged for some of that, but her doc ordered it for life so some is covered by our health care system. It would be worth checking out if something like that is available where you are.
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Macada (and others) the definition and practices of assisted living vary by area and provider. That is why it is so very important to visit and inquire with specific questions. The assisted living where my Mom was did morning care, toileting, distributed meds, helped feed, made beds,cleaned rooms, did laundry and helped the person into bed at night. They checked regularly on each resident. They provided (encouraged) beverages several times during the course of the day. As you can see, this is apparently quite different from your experiences. This is important for all of our care givers who are from all over the country and world. What I am describing is standard in my area, I visited 7 different ALFs. But you bring up a good point, other areas may be quite different.
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WOW! If I was scared before I am terrified now! :) I figured I was painting a bad pic and would look extremely selfish to all of you amazing people (probably ladies) out there. I just don't know how we will get her here unless we offer it to be with us. She has always been a very selfless person and she just really needs to be embraced by family more than 15 days a year. The kids say they want her here but have no idea what that will mean. My husband will totally be willing to put her in some type of assisted living but not right away. I am pretty sure once she gets to be burdensome (verses just annoying) she will be willing to as well. I will start checking out places now as well as home resources. Thank you all so much for the realistic information. You are all amazing!
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Good to hear you are checking out places and resources. Try to put yourself and your children first while doing this. This arrangement will effect you all. Good luck.
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Your first responsibility is to you and your family. It is noble of the teenagers to think having Grandma live with you is a good idea. They have no idea what the reality is for the situation. You can read all the truths in other postings on this site about taking care of elderly with children in the home.

If you can afford 24/7 live in care it might work out. You have no idea how much of your family's lifestyle will be affected if you do this on your own.

I know this sounds brutal but it is what it is! I wish you all the best.
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I would start planting the seed for her moving to a place of her own AL. Talk up the good things, having a great country club environment she deserves, friends her own age, planned outings and activities that you and family can't just provide with everyone's busy schedule and you just don't want to be leaving her alone all the time running kids around, etc. explain she have some peace and privacy and hope she'll spend as much time at your house as possible. Tell her that kids can't wait to help her decorate her new place and eat in the dining room!

Dont take her in even temporarily, it will only be harder to get her out into a new place. This isn't selfish at all. It's a huge responsibility and an elders care needs only escalates. If your gut is having you second guess your original offer then its telling you something and hubby should support.

If he doesn't then lay down the law, you want MIL to pay for in home help a few mornings a week so that you can do your normal activities and duties to keep the normal family routine humming. Also you want a housekeeper 1x a week. Also lay out a schedule where you go off on Sat and Sun for awhile while he is home so he can be with her and help her for extended time.

Caring for loved one is an honor and a burden and a huge family sacrifice. Kids fantasize how nice to have grandma there but the reality is something different. They're still running out to be with friends and will still want your attention to them and their schoolwork, sports, running them to dance etc and will not understand the sacrifice required. Could lead to resentment. Don't count on any help from the kids.
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Dear Ellie,
My first very flippant reaction was "Get a divorce and run for your life"
Your MIL does not have a choice in this you are in charge, it is your home and family. Old nurses are stubborn old creatures. Has she told you anything else you need to know other than the incontinence? The suggestion of staying with her or nearby is a good one for a week so you can really get an idea of what is going on.
You mention that your daughter is in college and MIL could have her room. What happens when she comes home for vacations? That room is your daughters sanctuary and unless it is your daughters suggestion should not be taken away from her.
Research your options and when MIL asks for your help decide what you are prepared to do. Take the same approach with your own mother. Don't be guilted into something you don't want to do. take a deep breath, count to ten and good luck.
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It's so good you have asked the question here and please take to heart the responses of those who have gone before you. What you will face will be totally different than you think due to the interactions of personality and health of both your MIL and your family members, including you. Especially since it sounds like you will be the primary caregiver. I highly recommend your husband and you go and spend some time with her first to get a better sense of what her current needs are. You must be realistic and recognize that moving your MIL into your home WILL change your family dynamics and there is potential for it to affect your health as primary caregiver. Investigate fully all options with your husband and costs in all ways. I've cared for my mom and continue caring for my 91 yr old dad and although my dad is way healthier than my mom, caring for my dad has been way more 'costly' than my mom. Please be aware.
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lt seems pretty clear from your original post and the information and suggestions here, thanks of which you were unaware and had not considered, you are leaning in the direction of assisted living (and was it here I think someone made a great suggestion to choose a tiered facility?)

Going by your own words, you're MIL is a "selfless" person. Ok, work with that!
Talk about how much easier it is for her son and her grandchildren to have her near. In IL or AL, she would still have her privacy but her son and grandchildren could enjoy her presence much more often, etc. Get her on board with a local move to her own residence for the benefit of her son and grandchildren. You will soon find out if she is truly selfless. You might mention, if you think it would appeal to her nurses background, how much better it would be for her son and grandchildren to have her much closer in the event anything were to happen so it would lessen there worry when they can see her so quickly, etc.
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With the second thoughts you are already having, I would say you shouldn't do it. Caring for someone you love dearly would be difficult enough, but having to do it for someone you don't have a bond with could be totally destructive.
My mom is 83 and is in great shape physically. My mom has outlived 3 of her 5 children so far, and I am hoping I outlive her for her sake.
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Set a example for your children, accept her into your house with love. Give of yourself to allow your husband's mother,and your children's grandmother a safe and loving environment. Dump her into a nursing home or assisted living, and you are warehousing her till she dies. Karma's a bitch, what goes around comes around. Yes there will be problems, yes there will be times you will want to quit, but there will be loving happy times also. You will grow in strength, resiliance, and love. Decide what kind of person you want to be; then do it with joy or don't do it at all.
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Kathy you are so right! I just read a quote Attitude is the difference between an ordeal and an adventure. Was really just trying to be prepared. We really have no idea what we are getting into and I guess I won't until we do it.
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You ask how to prepare. first open and honest communication. The best skill to have is to be a good listener. If she is fully compentent, then she is calling the shots. Your job is to help her achieve automony, not make her decisions. it took three months of bickering with my father and this site to learn that. You can suggest, but don't insist. Educate yourself on your MIL condition. This website is invaluable for help with care and coping. The New York times has a section under their health page on elder care I find helpful.

Start out as a team in caregiving. Act like you can handle it alone, and everybody will be happy to dump it in your lap. Call a family meeting; workout schedules where your husband's siblings take her for weeks at a time. Right now your MIL won't need a lot of help. One fall and that will change everything. Encourage her to got to rehab and build her muscles. Fall proof your house, grab bars in the bathroom, remove or tape loose rugs.

It ain't easy, but it is worthwhile. It has completely changed me. I have grown as a person, so much. It is the most unselfish, loving, hard thing I have ever done. I have a sense of peace, acceptance, and happiness. Good luck we are here for you.
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I try and open up dialogue with my husband and he's just like this is the way it is we will figure it out. Which means I need to figure it out, because with work, golf and fantasy football he doesn't have the time! Your comment " act like you can handle alone and everyone will be happy to dump in your lap" is exactly what has my heart racing. That is exactly what will happen if I am not careful. It is not easy for me to demand anything and I have to get better at persuading and communicating effectively. But as you mention I will grow, and I want to... hopefully my family will grow closer as well. We live in a very narsastic area and could all benefit from giving of ourselves more and setting a better example of true love. I do think the benefits will out weigh the burden. Thanks for such great information.
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Please don't let her in the house. Find nearby living arrangements.It's like a vampire,once you invite them in you can never get them out.You will lose your privacy and your sanity.
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Don't do it...have her live close or in her own space, perhaps a mother daughter situation. If she moves in it will change the family and everyone will expect you to smooth every conflict over, its torture.
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