My sister has poa. Up until a couple of weeks ago my sister and a caregiver were taking care of her in her home. My sister can't handle the burden anymore and has sent her to a home. She can afford to live home but my sister isn't willing to do the work to find another caregiver. We are having a conflict of interest here. What rights do I have?
When my FIL died five years ago, the brother told my MIL that due to the fact that she had given him POA he could force her to go into the nursing home! MIL griped to my husband and then would cave when BIL got pissy. So she has to a great extent
'agreed' to her bad treatment. My husband feels horrible for his mom but I have repeatedly told him that 'there are no victims, just volunteers' here. She has had an option to come live near us (although now it's past the point) and we would be more than willing to care for her. But that would mean giving up control of the checkbook (by BIL), having the perks of her being there (she repeatedly picks up the check for dinner together, for their gas for driving her places, I am sure for much more than she ever used or needed from him. She is very generous and there are definitely pluses for him to have 'access' to her. Believe me it is very possible for the person who appears to be very giving and self sacrificing to use the parent in their care.
It touches a nerve for alwayslearning to jump so quickly on a person who simply asks a question. Some of us enjoy being martyrs. There is a payoff in having seeing folks think of us as so giving.
All WE want is the best for my MIL but I don't really see that with her other son.
What is your mother's financial situation? You say she could afford 24/7 in-home care. That would be at least $250 per day, more than likely considerably more, depending on the nature of her dementia. How many years could she afford of that? Is the "home" she is in now Assisted Living, Memory Care, or Nursing Home? Is she self-pay? How long will her money last where she is? Did your sister open a phone book and throw a dart, or did she do some research to select a good fit for Mother at a clean, safe, well-run place?
If 24/7 in-home care were hired (3 sifts per day or live-in or whatever), who will supervise these people? Who will deal with it when one calls in sick? During their vacations? BTW, two caregivers are NOT enough for a person with dementia. Are they each going to work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is that what your sister was doing? Managing full-time care is a burdensome job. It sounds like your sister can't do it. Have you discussed with her your willingness/ability to do it?
I hope that you and your sister can work together to come up with what is best for your mother that will also work for your sister and for you. I suspect that there is more to this picture than the few details you've presented. Perhaps there is more than your sister has been open about.
I have been aging in the same time period that my two parents have passed through years of mental health and physical health issues. My stamina and courge has depleted during this time. My job skills to work in the outside world have become dated. If any of these things are true for the person who has been providing the care for a loved one, I ask your mercy and compassion for when they state they have had enough. There is a psychological term "compassion fatigue". We are subject to it. I am feeling it. I noticed yesterday when the agency that brings me caregivers on Fridays called to change the rules and ask for some change in our system I OVER REACTED. i flipped. i was grouchy.
I am entering a dangerous place and I need to find the exit. So I am in exactly the space you have described. I know I can no longer care for my mom. Some of it is physical, a lot of it is mental. Twisted part of my not wanting to quit is financial.
I moved my kids 2000 miles and enrolled them in new schools to be here for mom and if I give up, they may have to change schools again as I can not afford a home in this area.
IF MY brothers are compassionate, they will realize that this will not go no forever and they will let me live in the family home, even though we will move mom to board and care, they will work out some kind of credit from the estate for services rendered and some sort of debit from the estate for future rent and taxes on this home. That will give me the breathing room to update my skills before I dive back into the world of work. Maybe my kids and I can paint the house and replace the carpets and get the yard in shape for the sale of the home in the next few years so when they graduate it is ready to sell. I know we are on tap to clean out 50 years of junk in the closets and doors. This is a momentous task. The key I believe is to get them to witness "a week in the life of a care giver". Not until you try and change a feces filled diaper in a handicapped stall with no sink in a public place, do you have ANY idea how rough this can be. Not UNTIL you have to put locks and buzzers and bells on every door and latches on every exit AND they escape anyway! do you know how 24/7 this job is. So if I am no longer joyful and grateful for the"free rent and lovely view, and good schoolds" that living in mom's house has afforded me, you have not been watching what it has been costing me personally. And if you are not noticing me-- I guess I DO have to throw a fit to get my way and get my needs met.
If you are helping your sister, then when you go see an attorney about this, you will have more leverage, otherwise, you may not have a leg to stand on.
He is in the funeral business, sells stuff other than the casket to funeral homes, too, so he pushed and made happen a big deal funeral for FIL - laying him out when he had definitely stated and written down that he wanted direct cremation. There was a commission in this for him. Now that my MIL is in hospice he is doing the same thing, insisting that we 'don't know how to grieve' when we say that we want to honor her wishes not to be on 'display'. It's sickening. I can't tell sometimes what matters more - his greed or his need to control everything. It has totally made a shambles of my husband's relationship with his sibling.