Parents in same house 50+ years, not interested in exploring other housing options now, both 83, ok health, mom doesn't drive. Need advice.

Logan it's been 3 years that we had to have my parents move in with us thinking it was the right thing to do. Mom was beginning the first few stages of Alzheimer. If I had to do it over again. I would have let them stay in their own house and would have diligently found in home care at the different levels. Like meals on wheels. Personal grocery shopper that delivered and a house cleaner that did clothes washing.

My parents had the funds. However we had to redo their 60 year old house had to have a lot of remodeling to be able to sell. We may have broke even of not a loss. Then downsizing with them and having to purge 5-6 times would have been 10x easier if we would have waited. No hurt in "organizing" now.

Wish we could have seen the future and gave them the dignity to the end.

Hope you can find a way to do what they wish to do. Keep them home with help 👍.

rovana: We had tried many things with my late mother's living conditions/arrangements and she DEMANDED to live alone in her own home 7 states away from me and all the way across the country from my brother. There was no one else to take care of her. Many might think that I'm harsh, but I told her that "she had lost the choice of where she would live and in the end the choice had to be made by me." She did not want to leave her house.

I'm only 60 but from caring for several seniors I've come to better understand that certain changes represent the beginning of "the end". I'm a nostalgic person so I have a fair amount of memorabilia, mementos, keepsakes. Not a hoarder, by any means. I think I can understand why your parents aren't ready to downsize.

Are there any kids or grandkids local to them who may enjoy going through things with them and given the chance to see and learn about the items your parents are holding close? Maybe if your parents see someone close to them might appreciate an item, they may be more willing to surrender or gift it to them sooner rather than later.

Maybe offer to help your parents make their home simpler and safer for them. Easier to clean and maintain, etc. It might be easier to sell downsizing as something less scary.

My friend's gramma had a wise idea: she invited her grandkids over for a fun meal together and told them that if they wanted anything in her house, they were to put a ticket with their name on it in a bowl designated for that item. Then when all the grandkids went through her house, if any bowl had more than 1 ticket in it she had a raffle to see who would get it. Somehow they kept it so that no one person by chance "won" too many items. Then they recorded the results, or, if gramma was willing, she'd let them take it right then. Gramma enjoyed a wonderful day with her grandkids plus got to experience the joy of seeing them "inherit" her sentimental or valuable item and the kids got to show love and gratitude and excitement directly to her. I just love this idea.

Imagine the home you now live in, you have memories in every corner, piece of furniture, every box in the attic that is filled with pictures or whatever else may be there. Now imagine you are told to get rid of it and keep just enough to fill one room in a care home somewhere.  I am a Director of nursing and this is what I tell my care givers when they start to complain.  I don't mean to sound harsh but you are thinking of what is best for you, not for them.  Did they treat you that way when you were raised by them?

I see this happening all too often. Old people refuse to accept the state of affairs and do any planning whatsoever no matter how often help and advice are offered. I would give it one last try, perhaps with someone with you in an official capacity, i.e. an attorney, who can tell them what will happen if they don't shape up and do what is necessary now. If they still refuse to plan or take charge of matters, then tell them in no uncertain terms so they fully understand - unless they act now, YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WILL N O T BE THERE FOR THEM WHEN THINGS HAPPEN. YOU WILL WALK AWAY. Be prepared to do that, because that is the only thing that may shape them up. And if worst comes to worst, then you are NOT obligated to help because they refused to help themselves. Remember, what they sow is what they will reap. They must be made to understand this before it is too late. Get very tough with them.

I am just floored that you are asking them to give up everything they worked their entire lives for so you won't be inconvenienced if they get ill or when they die.

I say leave them alone, they are doing okay and you can hire professionals to take care of their worldly possessions when they die.

To force such huge changes on our seniors is why the laws are so strict and those of us that have demented parents cannot do anything without guardianship. We have to protect them from this kind of selfish nonsense.

I am sorry that them living the way they choose is such a burden for you. Remember, you will get old to and you will be sorry you dealt so selfishly with your aged parents.

Is storage an option? That way, they might not have the feeling that they are really losing their “stuff” forever. There are people who will just haul away stuff. I have to think that they really can get along without the stuff in the attic.
I’m sorry I have no better suggestions . I hear you and I can’t imagine what it must be like.
We recently moved to an apartment and I hired a lady to come in twice a month to help with cleaning (hubby and I are disabled.) She is a declutterer and she’s really helping me get over my packrat tendencies.
It wasn’t easy at first but I got better at it, thanks to her. But it sounds as if your parents hear only what they want to hear.
I wish you the best.

This very same thing happened to my mother - she waited too long to make any decision on where she would live into old age, saying "I'm so happy that I stayed in my own home." My response from another state 7 states away - "Well, I'm not because now you've given me no other option but to leave my home, my family, my LIFE and move in with you." Inconvenient much?! I don't know what may work for YOU, but ask them "what will happen when they have a medical emergency? Do they expect you to come running?" My trips to Boston became very frequent and finally I had to move in with my mother!!!
Depression-era mindsets come into play with elders. They used to keep EVERYTHING - itty bitty slivers of soap, socks, etc. Good heavens - that makes it extremely hard on the adult children to sort through the mountains of hoarding "because they don't know if they can get the product again." I'm not implying that your parents have that much stuff, though you did mention "the attic." Good luck and prayers sent!

They are old and don't like to be reminded they are on their way out. I started doing that with my parents, but quit. Glad I did. Dad had heart problems and eventually died. Mom lived on in the house for 5 more years until she couldn't cook for herself. She loved that house as did dad. My daughter with 5 kids ended up having to move there, when her marriage broke up. She cleaned up a lot of things and lived there for about 4 years. Then my son took over and is still living there. He has remodeled and feels close to his grandma and grandpa, always has. My dad always said it would be the family house when they were gone, and it has become that. I am glad. Oh, I took my mom into our house where she lived another 10 years.

My parents were married 67 years and lived in their home for for 57 years so you can imagine the trove of stuff they accumulated. I tried for years to get them to downsize and move to a smaller, safer home but they wouldn’t listen, what would happen to all of their "stuff?"

Once I began to gradually clean out drawers and closets for them I realized they weren’t saving things, it was the memories associated with them. Aunt Betty's sofa, grandma's chair, Boy Scout badges my dad had earned, baby things Mom had made, all had a place or personal connection.

So I put the important things in storage and asked my parents who they wanted to pass specific things on to. The thought that an item was being used by someone who would appreciate it was helpful in getting it out of the house.

This was my life. Parents in a mother daughter home over 50 years. Dad passes away suddenly 5 month later have to put mom in assisted living with AD. Need to sell house fast to pay for care. Took three dumpsters. My brother also passed away so it was all on me. Had tried to convince parents to move into something smaller. Or possible in with us in a two family. Didn’t want to hear any of it. I think when they reach 80 it’s too late for them to make decisions to sell. Also the thought must be overwhelming. Good luck. Start cleaning stuff out now if you can.

I'm sorry I didn't read through all the responses below but I can tell you what we have been doing. I have one brother who lives about 20-30 min from Mom and one that lives in CA (Mom is n CT), I live about 4.5 hrs away so we have a little of everything as far as proximity goes. We are fortunate in that both brothers are airline pilots so getting back east is time consuming and hard to schedule but not cost prohibitive for youngest bro. Our mom lives in my grandmothers home so while things were dived up after GM passing much was left including tons of stuff that no one wanted to go through and things one of mom's siblings wanted "but didn't have room for yet", ugh! The house has been collecting stuff for at least 50 years and no resident has ever been good about purging or organizing. So we have work sessions whenever we can, where the three of us and any of our spouses and or children we can wrangle collect at Mom's for a long weekend or a few days (pilot schedules). It's actually been great because it get's us all together for a few days and we get stuff accomplished. We have fun and we get to tell stories and reminisce at night or during breaks together. We also get one on one time with each other because two of us for instance might be going through boxes in one room while others are working in the basement. We tried to keep ourselves from being overly ambitious during any one of these sessions, we know we are only making a dent each time but planned out properly it's a good dent. After tossing the things we know we can we go through boxes and have system set up with bins to categorize and store or have mom "sort" through on her own after we leave. If it doesn't happen that's ok we know we are one step closer to it being easier next time. There was a reasonable fear that my siblings and I might not be any better at parting with stuff than my mom so we had and still have a plan in place where my husband and my SIL whom we all trust with our family treasures will go through these bins or boxes and toss, make a pile to ask us about and another of the things they know need to be kept. As they don't have the history or same attachment to my Grandmother, Great Grandmother or Great Aunt's chachkies or scent that we do they can toss broken stuff but they know and love us enough that they would never toss something that might be important and between them they can check each other. But we haven't had to plan that yet, mom actually got into it while everyone was around working and tossed far more stuff than she ever would have otherwise.
When my GGM passes her children all went into the house and tagged the items they wanted, for the items more than one wanted they did a draw so each had a turn to claim something and I know they also deffer'd to each other. Then after that first round was done, their kids were allowed to come in and claim stuff they would like, more of a free tag sale for them and then the next day their kids (I was in this group), the stuff still left after that weekend was then offered to family friends etc...on to public tag sale or donate. My GM did a similar thing but she asked us all to tag things we would like long before she passed so later when her kids did their turns claiming things they knew what was important to their kids as well and stuff was already tagged (somewhere inconspicuous) or my GM gifted items before she passed so they weren't part of what was left, some had her tag of who it went to for instance. Perhaps you could do some form of this including mom and dad, making it a family project that doesn't feel threatening like they are preparing to leave but accomplishes something positive for all. I have to say the forcing of us to get together has benefits far beyond productivity. But these events organizing belongings and learning about what is important to their loved ones, memories might help them organize the other practical stuff, start feeling good about preparation in all areas, Nvr knw

I feel your pain! My mom lived in a cute townhouse for many years, but recently she had a couple of bad falls. She broke her wrist once and then her shoulder. The townhouse had a very steep staircase to the second floor and I realized that she could no longer live in this house. She didn't want to move because she felt safe and really didn't want change. My husband and I decided to start looking for a one floor apartment for her. We were lucky to find something close by to where here townhouse was and convinced her to move. We hired a mover and pretty much did all the packing. The bottom line is that she loves her new place and I wish we had moved her sooner.

I started helping Mom sort thru her stuff gradually. Each visit I would clear out a drawer or closet or cabinet. I would throw out the trash, shred old documents, and sort the rest into boxes for her to look through for things to keep. Next visit I would get rid of the stuff she didn’t want and box the rest up for storage. It took about 6 months, 57 years worth of treasures!

Now she is in Assisted Living in one room. We gradually moved in the furniture she had selected, adding a few pieces as needed, took out a few once she realized she didn’t need them. Everything else she wanted to keep I put into a storage unit nearby. When she recalls something she wants to see I can easily bring it over for her. We passed on some stuff, auctioned off the rest and banked the money.

I did it all with her cooperation, letting her make the choices. She offered specific pieces to neighbors, friends and family. I think it helped that the stuff was going to be put to good use by someone she knew, not just random strangers.

For all of you "younger" people out there, what are you doing so your children don't have to to worry about this? Are you emptying your house? I am slowly doing it, I dispose of at least one thing a week.

Logan, you do not have to be hands on. Since you are concerned, find a place for them to go when the time is ripe. Then just hire an Estate Sale company to empty the house. We have some who will sell what they can and dispose of the rest. Then find a Real Estate person who will, for a fee, get the house ready to put on the market and sell it. You do not have to be hands on, you can direct it from a distance.

They have both been pretty clear about it - deal with it when the time comes. So far, they are both relatively ok and the 'time' hasn't come. They apparently love their things, their home, and the way it is (and has been). The large dining table is still a part of large gatherings - family and friends - and happy times.

If you think you're stressed thinking about having to sort out the what-nots and possessions of their lives, just imagine what it does to them to try and start a new chapter with very little from their home. If they both had severe dementia issues and wouldn't remember the beautiful blue chair that Aunt Emma gave them, it would be one thing. However, from what you've said this is not the issue.

I say, quit sweating over the sorting and the boxes of stuff in the closets and let them be in their own familiar home as long as they can. If they need a little assistance with cleaning, get them some assistance. That big rambling ranch home will prove useful for family to continue to visit with them for a week or so and to get around without bumping into things (if they were in a tiny house).

Some day someone will be cleaning up what you/your siblings leave behind. It might be a big job or you may choose to do things differently. Some folks attach sentimental value to things while others do not. Leave it be for now. If you have worries about them alone in the house, get them an alert to wear on their neck. The 5star sold at walmart even has gps to see where they are.

Would it help your parents to know their "stuff" is wanted by you, or your kids, or someone in your family? What if you encouraged them to give things away as a legacy? You may not want their stuff, but once it is out of their house you would be pretty much free to do with it as you wish.

I have to say I am in the exact same position. My parents are in their late 70s, with OK health, and living in a home they are reluctant to leave. My mother no longer drives, and while my dad is doing well now, he does have a history of heart issues and prostate cancer. I am the oldest, POA, executor, etc. While my younger brother is somewhat involved, he lives 3 hours away. So because I am 45 minutes away, 90% of the parental responsibility falls on me. A year ago there was an incident that scared my parents enough that they decided they wanted to move to my town. We started with purging the house, but it was a battle. I had to treat it like a project--a room at a time. I made numerous trips to Goodwill. I worked with a family member who dabbles in eBay and sold a number of antique pieces, old books, VHS tapes, anything I thought would sell. (My parents got a kick out of how much money they made.) Once they saw how much more organized their home became, the removal of unneeded things got easier. We then made small repairs, started speaking with a real estate agent, all of it. All of the sudden, they changed their minds. I heard it all: no housing in their price range, if the house was in their price range--no room for this piece of furniture or that piece of furniture, we don't want to leave our church, we don't want to lose our friends, we don't want to have to change our doctors. Of course, their fears are all unfounded. I provided explanations and solutions for all of their concerns. I, too, fear that when the time comes, I will have too much to deal with. But, I did learn that what I needed to do was take a step back and let my parents move through this phase of their lives at their own pace. I came to understand that this is a tremendous change for them. The house they live in now is the house they thought they'd live in for the rest of their lives. Getting rid of some of their possessions is like hastening the inevitable. In my rush to convenience myself, I forgot to think about them. They are older and set in their ways, and I was/am asking them to make a tremendous change in their lives. I think they fear that moving closer to me will bring an end to their independence. I quit pushing, and a year later, we are all in a better place. They are becoming more open-minded, and they are once again talking about making a change in the next year (providing there are no health issues). I am currently in the divorce process and will be purchasing my own home in the next few months. I know I'm taking a big risk and probably opening a can of worms, but I plan on finding a home that will be suitable for all of us. My mom is all for it because I think she sees it as a chance to "take care of her baby" (even though I'm nearly 50) after what I've dealt with. My dad is even receptive to the idea, but he wants to wait a bit to allow me to settle into a new place and give me privacy while I deal with the after-effects of a divorce. I don't know what advice I can really offer, other than be patient, start with small changes (even cleaning out one closet or room at a time), and be willing to compromise. Share your fears and concerns, and allow them to share their fears and concerns. Hopefully, you can all find a common ground and a starting place.

Perhaps legally you can't make decisions for them...but who exactly is policing this?? Without arguing, without waiting for a crisis, do as much as you can to create a safety net for them and for yourself. You can even pay a community fee at assisted living and they'll call you every time a room opens up. For example--when my mother (then with cognitive impairment) started allowing total strangers to move into basement rooms in her home, I created online log-ins for all her bank and financial accounts--just so that someone else couldn't do it. It was very easy, only needed her birth date, zip code, sometimes not even her social security number. In your post, you repeat, "They don't seem to understand." They probably truly don't understand--because they are losing their mental abilities. Would they go to a neurologist for brain MRI, for cognitive testing? Just another idea.

My mom hired people to conduct an estate sale when my grandma passed. All she had to do was go through and choose what she wanted to keep. The company either threw the rest away or sold the stuff.
It is very difficult to face one’s mortality. As my mil said when her children started on her,”I am not dead yet!”
Your parents seem to be at a good point at the moment. Let them enjoy. Yes, as executor you will have to spend time. If that is not feasible for you, tell them. If it is, you can start to make some plans of your own. Talk to them. Get opinions, then plan so you are prepared. Losing memories and independence are difficult issues to face. It’s hard enough to get parents to accept help when they need it, let alone before they need it. My in-laws ditched nurses and “fired” any help that was offered. My fil did not want that. When he passed, my mil let my husband handle everything. Yes, it took forever to clean and sell the house and now she lives next door w our help and caregivers. However, she recognized the need. That’s what forced the hand.

Hi. I am an only child and my parents were procrastinators also. In 2017 my father (now 89) fell and ended up in a care home. He is in the last stage of Alzheimer’s. Since my mom (now 88) was the sole caregiver for my dad was not eating well we got her into independent living. She has dementia. They planned on dying at home which meant my husband and I had to just get everything out of the house (more like throwing out everything) and put the house in the market in 2 weeks after she moved out. It was really sad for me to have to do that since I grew up in that home. The burden fell on me and my husband. I took over her finances since she can’t any longer. She blames me for everything and when she messes something up I have to fix it and it’s still my fault. We knew things would turn out this way since they had no plan if they got sick but had no choice but to do what we had to do.

You've had lots of advice and here is yet another story which I hope will help you see that it's not so scary and is doable. When my dad who was in his 80's and lived in his city without any of his 4 daughters who all lived in various different states was encouraged to move and live near one of us, he adamantly refused. He said "I will be carried out of here in a box!" Ha! Well fine...we can't force anyone to move if they have all their "marbles". He was quite capable and with it at the time.

There is a lot of comfort in knowing the lay of the land, having friends, doctors etc. Fast forward to when he was 92 and began to issues with memory and executive functions due to several ischemic attacks. He realized he could no longer could live alone. This is often how things change and the moving begins.

He still refused to move near us and wanted to live in a retirement community in his own city. (insert eye roll) So we found one, and began the process. Mind you that I and another sister are joint POA and live the closest so the biggest burden fell on us. We were both retired so that helped too. It can be done and it's possible that by the time they decide then you might be retired to.
Steps:
First visit:
1. contacted a senior move company who specializes in downsizing and moving seniors. Signed contract. They were invaluable at helping us not have as much stress. Choosing what would fit, what they wanted to take and boxing it all up the morning of the move; unpacking it the same day and hanging all pics etc. and it was DONE! Ready to be lived in.
2. contacted a real estate agent to get a contract and listing which was put on the market after it was emptied out and estate sale had been conducted.
3. contacted estate sale agent and arranged for a date.
THEN:
4. all daughters met the week of the move: my sister and I helped the day of the move to settle him while the other 2 went through all of dad's paper work, shredding, saving, and filing into boxes to store.
5. all 4 daughters and husbands chose the items they personally wanted.
THEN Went home and:
6. estate sale happened and all things not sold were donated and picked up by a company recommended by estate agent and they swept the place clean.
7. hired a cleaner for the house and carpets and house went on market.
9. house sold.
10. dad decided he wanted to move closer to me and we had to move him all over again! so that was fun! But again it was his decision when he realized the mistake he made.
You too can do this if you are organized and assign duties. All in all it took about 2 months but lots was done long distance over the phone except for the initial meetings and moving which we gave about 5 days. Dad had lots and lots of stuff and a basement full of tools and saws etc as he used to build cabinets. I hope your folks have things in a trust and have POA assigned to one of you. If not that must be done ASAP.

went thru this basically alone. Unfortunate circumstances helped along. Mom fell at age 87, surgery & rehab for two months. Healthcare facility offered an “almost home” 30 day stay in a small nice assisted living apartment. It’s now been 2 years for her. She loved it at first, now likes it, but wants to stay there. Dad fell in Dec at age 89. Rehab, then assisted living temporarily. He’s used to his own apartment there now and ready to stay. Breaks my heart but it’s best. Yes, I now have to deal with house & belongings, but they’re not hovering over me while I get rid of stuff at my own pace. I regret the cross words we had when I was trying to force them out when they weren’t ready, even though I thought it would have been safer. Leave them alone if they are ok. We all slow down, get forgetful, lose our balance frequently as we age.

I work in real estate and see the after-effects often. It's usually an exasperated daughter who is worn out and ready to yard-sale everything. The last one I met was a pilot for Fed Ex who was based out of Hong Kong and had to take time to come back here to our small Florida town to clean out & sell her parent's large lakefront home. Not much you can do until there is a crisis or a death.

Haha, every time my mom is hospitalized (which is often) I go through her closets and pick out a few things to throw out. It's just a drop in the bucket but it makes me feel a little better :D

A lot of the material things that had meaning to our parents won't have meaning to us. I am looking to downsize well before old age.

Apologies in advance for this downer response, but I went through this with both parents and in-laws. We did everything: frequent visits, organizing specific clean-out projects, researching and visiting different options, you name it. Nothing changed.

As long as they are of sound mind, there's nothing you can make happen. It's more than possible they will die alone at home, and it will then take many days of time away from your responsibilities over potentially elapsed years, plus dollars and dollars and dollars, to clean up what's left behind. It is very sad that whatever motivation they have blinds them to the costs to you, and how those costs may color your memories of them forever.

Alzspouse, thank you for letting us see from your side of the fence. You do have a lot on your plate with caring for hubby, so I fully understand why downsizing items isn't easy.

Sig other and I [both in our 70's] decided it was time to junk the stuff we had in the basement. If the item hadn't been used within the past 5 years, out it went. I had put signs on the items I wanted removed which made it easier for the junk haulers. Honestly, who is going to watch an old 25" RCA tube TV? Can't donate tube TV's anymore.

Before you judge me too harshly, a little information. I am a senior citizen myself. For over 16 years I have been caring for a husband with dementia, and now my own health is failing rapidly. It's been hard to go through and purge and organize things while caring for him, but I've been working on it. Now that I'm getting sicker, I need to work on it more intensely, but sometimes don't have the energy. Nevertheless, I try to do a little bit every day, and even that little bit does make a difference.
 
I'm not unsympathetic to the parents who don't want to move. I'd really like to keep all my favorite things and live where I want to live. It hurts to give things up. For over a decade and a half I've lived watching my husband lose a little more ground each day. Getting rid of our things feels like dismantling our lives while we're still alive. Did I mention that it hurts? But...
 
At some point someone might need to say to aging parents: "I can't take enough time off from work to do everything that would be needed if there is a crisis. So the options will be that we can call a charitable organization which will clean out your house and take everything off to sell. Or... you can start going through things now, maybe giving things to family or friends if they would like to have them. Let me know what you decide." I don't think that's heartless. It's realistic. What seems heartless and unrealistic is people who refuse to act on their own behalf. I just don't think someone's desire to keep their life just the way they want it entitles them to dump such a huge responsibility on other people. In my own case, I feel that as a grown-up person, it's my responsibility to do as much as I can. Even if it hurts.

This is how many in their age group roll. They give no thought as to how their decisions affect others, either now or later. My mother is 94 and still lives alone in a home in NC, 13 steps up 13 steps down and 700 miles from me and my brother. She keeps saying "I can't live anywhere cheaper" probably true, I am assuming that she thinks she will live to 110 and will run out of money, what difference does it make..none, it is time to start spending down. She won't budge. We are waiting then we will have to clean up her mess, we just went through this with my step father and his wife, we unloaded their house and put it up for sale..it was a big job, they are now in AL. That attitude gets real old.

Logan, many of us had to wait for an emergency before we could get our parent(s) to downsize. It's sad we need to have this waiting game as it is extremely stressful for the grown child. Every time the phone rang with my parent's Caller ID, I went into a panic wondering who fell now?

I remember handing my parents a brochure about a wonderful 55+ community that had all the bells and whistles. Next day my Mom said "maybe in a few years". Ah, HELLO, Mom you and Dad are in your 90's. That discussion went no where.

It finally took an emergency when my Mom had a very serious fall and spent her final months in Long Term Care.

Once Mom passed, Dad was ready to pack and move to a senior facility. He rented a lovely apartment using the equity from his house when it was sold. He said too bad my Mom wouldn't move to such a place, she would have still been with him :( Well, my cousins went through the same thing with my Mom's elderly sisters. None of them would budge from their homes, either.