Oh the irony! Now I am free, and free, to pack and purge. Or, am I?

Dear EPL,
If you have anyone in your family with hoarding/collecting tendencies watch them like hawk. Do not leave them by themselves. Their addiction will kick in and they will help themselves to what ever scratches that itch. I caught a family member sneaking stuff into their car when I cleaned my parents house out. It was a hard yet eye opening lesson to learn.
Good luck!

I get it. Moved Mom out of her home 2 years ago. No help from my sister other than 1 hour where she basically took stuff she wanted. No help from anyone, not even my husband (we live in another state)

I did the trash/donate/keep and might be important! piles. In ONE WEEK. 30 years of their stuff (dad died 2015). Bagged!! Gone! Moved! Cleaned house! Paid cleaners to come in and sanitize (Covid ya know)

i feel badly occasionally about a few things I tossed that were nostalgic to her, but at 90, hospice and dementia symptoms, she doesn’t need or remember most of it :(.

I did put a bunch of tchotchkes (crystal art paperweights $$$) on a table and last day I invited neighbor friends to take as remembrances, along with her beautiful outdoor potted flowers. That made me feel better

i had hired a junk company to remove stuff I had bagged/demolitioned. THAT was best money I spent. Saved me time, exhaustion and bodily injury!!! Highly recommend. 100 trips up/down stairs was easy for young men.

Good luck. You got this! You will get it done eventually, take breaks, don’t beat yourself up if there are days you skip or give up early

REPEAT: YOU. GOT. THIS.

I'm just starting through this process. One place that was suggested to me by several people is https://www.caringtransitions.com/ . You might want to check them out and see if their services would be helpful to you.

Fyi there are junk removal companies that can help if you get too overwhelmed. Well worth the expense. I just had to clean out a very large house that my parents lived in for 45 years - mom passed 7 years go and dad is now in nursing home, and trying to get it ready to sell. I am an only child. They were borderline hoarders - never threw anything away. At least 3 rooms were fully hoarded. Had friends help with one, and did one myself, but by the third one, a very big storage room above a garage, I was over it and had a junk company come do the rest. It was well worth it, they were fast and I didn't have to deal with it anymore. We ended up having an estate sale as well, and for the stuff that didn't sell, I got 2 other companies to make a bulk offer and haul the rest away. I kept the things I wanted, sentimental things and some nice furniture and my mom's artwork, but other than that, it was all just stuff and it felt good to let it all go. I feel much better now that it's done, but the whole process took 7 months.

I am there too.
My dad passed in Jan 2022, mom had a stroke in 2020 and has dementia so dad was taking care of her. When he passed, I'm now taking care of mom.
I spent the first six months of last year at my parents home 4 hrs away. I work from home so I was able take my computer and work during the day. I had a 30 yd dumpster delivered to the driveway and in the evenings I started cleaning. Mom was a hoarder. She hid a lot of it. I found boxes of jars, just pickle jars, dressing jars, etc. she saved boxes and boxes of them. Also saved lids from every type of jar. My parents grew up with literally nothing and made a decent life for themselves and us. We were lower middle class but always had clothes on our backs and food on the table. I just thought since mom & dad never had much, she wanted to hold onto everything she had. I had no idea how bad it had gotten. I paid a monthly fee for the dumpster, that was another horror story, trash companies are terrible. Started in January after dad died and they took the dumpster away, full, in early July. The house isn't clean yet but I only left what I thought we kids would want or stuff that had worth. Now I have a regular dumpster there and whenever I'm there, I throw stuff out.
Mom was always super sharp. Dad had gas stations and worked for himself. My brothers worked there too until people stopped working on cars in gas stations. Mom saved every receipt of everything she bought for taxes. Saved every years taxes from 1961 on. Had papers with SS numbers and bank accounts of employees and my brothers. I couldn't bring myself to just throw this stuff away, I was afraid someone would find the numbers and steal identities. So I shredded a LOT of stuff. that took a lot of time. People thought I was crazy but I'm glad I did it. Looking through all the stuff, I found moms dementia started before her stroke happened and I never knew it. I think she became overwhelmed with everything she kept and couldn't bring herself to throw any of it away. But didn't have a place for it since every file cabinet was full. I found stacks of papers, paid receipts, etc. hidden everywhere around the house. I had no idea and I was very close to mom. Mom loved to take pictures of everything we did so there are a lot of pictures. My brothers want to go through them so I'm keeping a lot of albums.
I am working to get mom in a facility now, living with me is just becoming too much. This is another story but once mom is in a facility, I'll be going back up there again to finish cleaning that house and sell it.
One thing I found in their town is they have places that do online auctions. I was going up there about a week a month before mom got worse recently. I would take a load of stuff to the online auction and the money I made from it would pay for moms adult day care. Not much, only one day a week for 5 hours but every bit helps my sanity.
I understand about doing it yourself. My brother came to help me for a while but he just wanted to throw everything away so I had to watch him so much, I just sent him away. He wasn't even looking at things.
I'm hoping to be done with their house by spring but that may be wishful thinking. When I decided to put mom in memory care or somewhere in December I thought it would be soon but its not as easy as I thought and is taking more time than I planned. I've never done this before. I find myself crying everyday and grieving and mom is still here.
I wish you luck! I also wish me luck :)

Oh WOW!!! Prayers for you! Sorry for you loss! : )

My deepest condolences on the passing of your mother.

V.

I am high-fiving you from afar!!

Another solo house-emptier here. My only regret was not walking around with a camera to document the sheer amount of stuff to deal with. Childhood home, 40 years lived in, outbuildings and six storage units filled to the brim . I hired some helpers plus a charity - bless them!!! - and sole sibling did nothing but take items she wanted. Didn’t even take a scrap of paper to the recycle bin, she did nothing!

It was emotionally so hard as dad’s death was horrible, mom was sliding into dementia, and of course every scrap of childhood was there. Not to mention laundry receipts from the 50’s, bank statements from a great grandmother, I mean for gods’ sake!! Everything.

I developed my own method and it sounds like you’ve got yours, so no advice. Except watch your back, literally. I was careful not to lift heavy things of course, but the sheer AMOUNT of stuff I had to shift around did a number on my back for a little while.

The whole experience sucked but like you I knew it would suck and decided to plow through the Beast of Task of Awfulness and that’s what I did! Dove in and finished! Worked hard and fast, and wasn’t martyring myself - there was simply no other person to lead on that huge project! I did indulge in mango smoothies near daily plus one shot of whisky at the end of the day from their liquor cabinet ( which of course had to be cleared out )

In hindsight I’m really pissed that my entire immediate family led such big lives and then left the literal mess from their big lives behind for me to clean up. Like la-de-da life has been great now you get to clean it up , sweetie drudge. Boooo!!!

One thing I came away with was realizing that people do leave their crap behind for me to clean up - two exes and a roomate did that too - but on a funny note it’s cured me of having problems decluttering my own space now. I’m downright neurotic about Stuff now. Also, when people ask for volunteers for junk or garbage community cleanups I’m like ABSOLUTELY NOT! I’m through with cleaning up after other peoples’ careless messes! My volunteer stuff is more about animals and weeding invasive species and that sort of thing. After this monumental task you might feel the same way lol

Excuse the long answer but boy I feel ya. Been there!! Sending you another high five, a hug, and a mango smoothie. You’ve got this!!

My Mom is a hoarder, too. I actually look forward to the day I can get a dumpster out here to get rid of all the crap. Some might be valuable, yes - she has a lot of antiques and knick knacks - and they will go into a storage locker to be gone through later. But there are hydro bills from 1972. And elastics. Her mother's clothes. Lamp parts. Coffee carafes from broken coffee makers. Doilies. So.Many.Doilies. Everything has to be kept, and it's going to be a LOT of junk to go through, but I am going to be ruthless! If my siblings want things, they can come help!
One thing I've learned is that nothing is important enough to keep around just to clutter up your life. Take a photo of things that remind you of a good time or place, then toss it! I actually carry a lot of resentment, though, for "things" as they have always been more important to her than her kids, her husband, real life...

I am in the same boat as you right now. Took care of my granny after my granddad passed away & she was depressed & in early stage dementia when we moved in finally in Nov 2016. I'm slowly goin thru the abundance of stuff & am just amazed every time I work on it bc I have been living in this house for yrs already & still there's so much I never knew was there or had seen. There drawers & cabinets full of "last-minute gifts" that she bought in case she ever needed 1. I have the same boxes & small totes full of greeting cards that she kept on hand to use along with a box or 2 of ones she received over the yrs. There's so much of it & I'm the only one going thru it also as I think if I tried to get any extra help with it, my luck it would only make it a bigger mess than I already got. I had thought of getting a crew but the more I thought bout it, the more I was against it bc we have already had to deal with ppl taking advantage & saying they were helping when all they were doin was goin just to benefit themselves & take what they could find that they either wanted or could make money from so I have a hard time trusting just anyone now especially strangers so I will go thru it as best I can & it'll be ok if it takes awhile. We live there so it's not like I have to make special trip if I decide to work on it at 2am if I feel the need. I can work on it whenever I get ready which is helpful. My mom has been helping when she can but she has her own business & she stays busy most of the time. Even with her semi-retiring this yr she still has not slowed down very much. I'm still trying to sift thru as quickly as I can for paperwork that I need to start probate & make sure I have the right wills etc bc they had several but there are also some that technically aren't valid as they were made after she had been diagnosed with dementia so those were also certain family trying to be slick & didn't really think it all the way thru but they just made it easier to prove they were taking advantage of situation once we get list of all that's missing. We have to go thru it & then we can know for sure what is there & what's not bc she was constantly moving things that she had hid bc she was scared or paranoid for anybody else to know where stuff was which also caused an issue with being able to have crew come in to help. Veterans & nursing homes are a good place to send stuff you want to donate or churches. We have a place that will prolly get some of the stuff bc my grandparents loved goin & spending a week or 2 down there. Adullam house in AL- they take in children that their parents are incarcerated & they take care of them til the parents are back on the feet & doin what they are supposed to be or some of them have been adopted. They get some 48hrs after they are born even. They are amazing & we will continue to help this wonderful group as much as we can. But I completely feel the weight that u have been under so if you need anything or just want to talk or vent, feel free to get a hold of me. I know & feel that there's no such thing as too much support during this time & will do whatever I can to help even if it's just listening or brainstorming for way to go about something the best way bc way u tried wasn't working out like you felt. I have found myself in these so far. Hope u feel some lightening of the load soon.

Wow. Amazing you are doing this all alone. If my ex husband hadn't come to help with a dumpster, I would have been there forever, and I had already gone through a lot before my mom died. She wasn't a hoarder, but so many years of stuff. My dad kept every single piece of paper for at least 60 years. I found the house plans for MY house in a box with the plans for their house, my brother's house, and all of our school records. I hate thinking about those days. But it makes me think about how much of what I have is not worth anything to anyone else. My taste, my colors, my crazy disorganization. I have to get it together so my sons will not experience what I did.

My mother is still alive but residing in memory care. It was easy to throw away photo albums full of studio portraits of step-family I was never close to. For some reason I got bogged down in the decades of greeting cards, decided to keep cards from family and toss cards from friends, but that didn't seem right either. At the bottom of one box covered in cobwebs, I found something I thought I'd never see--a greeting card and letter from her father, who left the family in 1940 and we've never seen a picture of him. So that was a great find among all the junk. I'm afraid I'm just as sentimental and nostalgic as she is. For almost every item in the house, down to the tiniest scrap of ribbon or dishcloth, I can remember a story or just a feeling, because I've been seeing these things for 60 years. It's much harder with the emotions attached to every item. Easier when you can step back and see how faded and smelly everything is.

I'm sorry for your double loss.

But I really DO get the feeling that you have that YOU need to be the one who cleans this all out.

After mom died, YB went crazy for a couple of days, didn't sleep and just began going through her things and throwing away almost EVERYTHING.

When we met 2 days after her death, to clean, most of us sibs--we found a basically empty apartment. It was hard not to be angry with YB--and he did throw away a lot of stuff that had sentimental value, or that had been promised to someone. YS was beyond angry--and she'll never forgive him for playing the "POA" card--which I guess he was not aware was made null by mom's death.

We ALL needed to touch some things and process our loss. But we were cut off by his over the top hysteria.

Really, there wasn't anything that 'spoke' to me, and that's good b/c it almost all wound up being thrown away or given to GoodWill.

It has made the grieving process a lot harder than it needed to be. Take your time, do it your way and you will probably find that peace will slowly replace the anxiety.

I am so very sympathetic to your journey now. We moved mom and dad into AL in October. Mom passed in November. I started working on their 4300 SF house and hour away. Like you, I heard mom's voice in everything I touched. After 3 months I was ready to put it on the market only to discover a leak in the ceiling. Hopefully it will be fixed this weekend and I'm done going there. I used to love their house but came to hate going there recently. We were able to find a group that would pick up the furniture for free and sell it at discounted prices to seniors, disabled, and the homeless getting their first apartment. Also, lots of Goodwill runs.
I wish you the very best, it's so exhausting. You got this!

EPL, still thinking of you as you plow through. Couple more things that helped me—black contractor plastic bags, once something went into a black bag I couldn’t see it anymore, it was very helpful just not looking at it again. I remember my dad telling me about a man who wore a similar size to him, also elderly. Dad wanted me to find this man after he’d died, and take him dad's suits and ties. Issue was, I had no idea who this man was, dad hadn’t bought a new suit in well over 20 years, and I felt sure no elderly man wanted or needed old, out of style suits. When I put those suits in a big black bag, I felt relief and thought of it no more. Also, I tried really hard to do the “touch it once” rule. Once I touched something, it was either keep, donate, or toss, and not touch again. There was one bed where I placed the items I just couldn’t decide. Relatives looked over that later and took what they wanted. Pictures, so many pictures! I brought them all home, sorted them and sent my siblings ones pertaining to them, them I had a young relative make a book (similar to Shutterfly) using our parents pictures. They’re all in one book now and the old tattered and torn photos are gone. Still wishing you peace as you muddle through it all…

The burden of the final cleanout.

Some very good advice re outsourcing & using agencies. But I get wanting to do it yourself. The control + sense of responsibility + maybe cathartic?

I'd do just as you are I think. Some back to back shifts with a hotel bed inbetween to reduce the commute. I think I'd add an end date - before I ran out of steam or it took too much from me. That could be when family come on board?

Finding that balance.. between doing it all yourself to letting go & involving others. When to switch.

You've got this.

My grandparents were not hoarders at all. They were very neat and organized.

Since they lived through the depression, they hid money in bed posts, the finial could be removed and grandpa would place money inside the bedpost, cookie jars, the freezer, etc.

My mom found money hidden. She said that my grandparents put money away for a ‘rainy day’ and then would forget about it.

Sorry for the loss of your parents.

Wow this is a LOT of work! It will get done eventually but the patience for sorting through every item is immense.

Will you be putting the house on the market? It would be nice if you had some help as this is such a big job.

Wow! I feel your angst. You are certainly tackling a huge problem in a sensible way, inch by inch. I had/have a similar situation. At first I thought I could just toss out boxes of junk until I happened to see the title to mom's car mixed in with coupons, greeting cards, plastic bags, newspaper articles, and photos. Like you, I realized I would have to resign myself to sorting through everything. As if that weren't enough, so much of it was covered in cat pee. It stank to high heaven. I would stink after each session. Aargh. I hope you find peace knowing you are doing what needs to be done. Godspeed!

Whenever I have something to donate I use Vietnam Veterans of America. They send a truck out to pick up items from your home.

You can schedule pick up date online.

eat-pray-love, I remember emptying my parents house. What a chore that was and here they were quite neat an organized. I had to shake all of Dad's books just in case something was left in a book, he had like 200 books.

I called numerous estate sale companies but they weren't interested unless the items were high end collectables. Guess the items had to sit in the White House or one of the Queen's palaces before they would even ring the door bell :P

One day I need to have a plumber out to fix a problem, and he remarked about my parent's very old curve glass china cabinet. I could tell he was drawn to antiques. The cabinet wasn't a passed down family heirloom, so I just gave the cabinet him. He was so happy, and that made me feel good.

Also, I had a handyman who I knew, help me clear out Dad's workshop, and attic. I had already took home some of Dad's tools to my house, and offered the handyman whatever tools he would want.

Salvation Army came out for the rest of the furniture, but only took what was on the main floor, they couldn't go upstairs because of the U shape of the stairs due to a risk of damaging wall because of the stairs.

I was selling the house "as is" as the thought of remodeling was too time consuming, and a contract eventually came in and the buyer [who was a flipper] said it was ok to leave whatever I had left in the house, he would take care of it. I should have taken up his option to leave what furniture and misc. and rest of the garage stuff that I hadn't clean out, as I was mentally exhausted.

Oh, on good weather days, one can also put out on curbside with a note saying free. That also worked for me.

Good luck, I know what you are going through.

Frankly, I'd dig through the stuff, find the photos and important papers, then call in a crew to clear out the place. They decide what's trash, and what, if anything they can sell. You won't have enough to donate that will be a write-off anyway.

After my parents' estate sale, I brought in a crew to clear out all the rest. My parents weren't hoarders by any means, but 50 years in one place leads to a lot of "accumulation" (70 sherry glasses, anyone?). The clean-out crew came in, loaded up what they thought they could sell at a charitable auction they hold each year, and took the rest to the dump. It cost me only $1600, because they stood to make more from the sale. Fine with me.

Don't get too excited about that dumpster. They come with a weight limit of about 900 lbs, and you'd be surprised at how fast that fills up. It took us four dumpsters at $250 apiece to clear out my dad's garage six months before the estate sale, and we didn't throw out half of what was in there.

The clean-out crew was a far better deal, and they cleared out the yard, too.

A refreshing reminder for myself.
I'm a senior whose mom luckily kept as little as possible rather than have to dust it, keep track of it, or misplace it. Everything she had was used pretty regularly or gone.
Growing up I thought we were either Japanese or Swedish for all the clear sightlines except for the tasteful but very sparsely placed treasured 5 or 6 select items per room. All drawers and closets were not crowded. My parent's storage bin only held some luggage, a couple of beach chairs, a beach umbrella and winter coats during summers.
Every few weeks I cull, throw out, donate, or give away. Oh, the thrill of seeing an empty draw and emptying shelves that once had 100's of books.
It's very liberating.

My in-laws on the other hand, may their sweet souls rest-in-peace. It was a cruel and sad punishment to be left with that mountainous collection of broken bits and pieces of nothing.

I rather do it alone. I did trash first and cleaning out of the refrigerator. Don't throw anything away that looks like its a part of something. You may end up finding that something. I took a room at a time. Use the relatives to cart it away. Find a Church or facility that takes clothing. I would bet the NH residents would love new clothes. Those that rely on the State for care because they have no family, get their clothing from donations. I was lucky there was a thrift shop near by. Just dropped stuff off there. Toys if unopened can be donated to Churches to give out next Christmas. Furniture can be donated to Habitat for Humanity. They sell it and the money is used to build housing. When you get a room cleaned out use that for the clothes. I had a box for each child and as I found something I thought they would want, I thru it in the box, pictures too.

Look thru all pockets. In books, albums. My Aunt squirreled her money in books and albums next to her chair. My cousin found $3000 when she cleaned out. My boss was asked to get some clothes out of a friends apt who had just gone into a NH. Boss found $400 in friends coat pocket.

I love cleaning out other peoples houses. If I knew years ago what I do now, I may have done it as a business.

A contractor's clean-out will save you from a lot of that work. They do what you're doing but will probably send a couple of people to do to work. They take it off to donation, to the dump, or to auction. They're good at following instructions and will turn over to you any sort ofthing that they may find that's valuable - like a gun, jewelry, etc. if they should find them. They clean up after themselves, too.

Some of what you are doing is cathartic in a way
What you are doing might also get you to take a closer look at your own closets, drawers, basement and attic.
I am reading this because I sat down for a moment because I am in the midst of what I am calling "Swedish Sick" cleaning...not quite as hard core as "Swedish Death Cleaning" but close.
the 3 piles of any clean up
Discard
Donate
Sell
ok a 4th...
Keep. (this should be the smallest pile of all.)

I wish you well
Sorry about the circumstances.

You’re DONE. I’m envious. Get a dumpster and be done with it

Sorry for the loss of your folks. It's good you're able to do this. I get choked up at the thought of eventually doing this. I'm a sentimental mush.

My dad wasn’t a hoarder in any way, but it was still an enormous job to clean out and sort the contents of his home on my own. I did it in about three weeks or so. I sped through it, at least much of the time. The deafening quiet of the house was hard to bear (my mentally unwell sibling cut off the cable tv service dad had, out of spite for unknown reasons) I’m sorry you’re going through it now, glad you have a plan to plow through it, and that you’re using a hotel for breaks. Wishing you peace as you go….

Little by little as you get moms house emptied those chains are going to slowly losen and fall off! You will stand taller not having that enormous weight on your back anymore.