I originally posted my issue a while earlier. Here's a link to that: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mom-needs-relocated-to-another-state-162029.htm?cpage=5
I informed the nursing home on Oct 30th that I wanted to be removed from ALL responsibilities regarding my mother. They started the process of removing me financially from any/all liability almost immediately.
Today, I received a phone call at 3:09pm from one of the nurses telling me that my mom is refusing to eat. I called back at 3:19pm, and was told that the nurse I needed to speak with was in a meeting and to call back in half an hour.
I called back 45 minutes later, and was told that *someone* at the nursing home let it slip that I was moving and now my mother is depressed and refusing to eat. I'm unsure what they want me to do about that, as I'm not a doctor.
When I asked what could be done, the nurse tried to guilt me into taking care of my mother and how dare I be moving. I officially went off on her. I informed not so nicely that I worked 3 jobs (prior to getting pregnant) just to afford her dental appointments that are NOT covered by medicaid, and that while I may be her child - I have gone above and beyond MY call of duty.
The nurse's response was: well you're her kid. Well, what would you do if she had no relatives at all? It is not MY call to make if she needs a feeding tube or not. I had to threaten her with APS (Adult Protective Services), and I wasn't very nice about it. I said that this is the reason she is in a damn nursing home to begin with, and it's about time they started doing their job.
Harsh? Yes. But, I'm actually REALLY angry that I am once again being told to "step up" by someone and being lectured/guilted into taking care of her.
Was this the appropriate response? I have been begging the nursing home for over two years to just do their job. What if they call back and want me to make a decision again? Should I just ignore their calls?
PS. I was diagnosed with SPD (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction), and my doctor said under ZERO circumstances should I be walking or stressing. We already had one scare where the baby almost fell out (Halloween Day) uterus and all. My ligaments/pubic bones have shifted so badly that the baby can actually do that now. I can't even sit on a couch or drive a car anymore.
My sister did wind up calling the nursing home after I reamed that nurse (they were really nice to her, thinking it was me lol). It turns out the problem wasn't as dire as the nurse was trying to make it seem. The social worker talked to my sister and said that while my mom wasn't eating and sleeping as much, it had nothing to do with my relocation. In fact, my mother hadn't eaten that day ONLY. So, no feeding tube nor phone call required at all. (My sister thinks it was a scare tactic to get me to accept responsibility again. If it wasn't a scare tactic, my mom has been sleeping a lot more for over THREE weeks - long before my mother was even accidentally informed.)
I also told the nursing home, had them sign, my mother sign, and I sign a piece of paper absolving me of ALL responsibility involving my mother (I wanted to just be able to physically visit her without having to handle ANY of her care). Yet, for some reason, they never listened to that original paper. I still have the original at my house, and they have a copy in their files.
My mother does have medicaid/medicare. The nursing home immediately started taking over financial responsibility, but I guess they are trying to make sure I am in charge of her physical care? I'm fighting this, as I don't feel I should be in charge of her care at all..since she's in a nursing home, and that's THEIR job!
Funny how they are more then willing to get the money side done, but not the actual physically caring for her done. It's amazing how much they are dragging their feet and causing a stink over my stepping out of the situation....and it's not even my siblings doing it!!
On a side note: My sister and brother have surprisingly worked really hard to get my mom relocated. They are scheduling plane ticket/s for January. My brother has put in $500 to relocate her. All I am supposed to do is go to the nursing home and take a picture of her wheelchair to make sure it can go onto a plane. Phew. It's JUST the nursing home I am having an issue with at the moment.
You are pregnant and the pregnancy is heavy going because of all this - I'm sorry, I have to use the correct English word here - BOLLOCKS. Not Fair.
But anyway, so you are pregnant. You have two young children. You have a husband who, while more than happy to do his share, Q.E.D., would presumably appreciate a bit of mutual support in his marriage and also has a demanding job which I imagine requires the family to relocate at regular 2 or 3 yearly intervals (making it, by the way, out of the question for you to bring your mother into your household even as a satellite - she needs continuity of care, her welfare would suffer). What in heaven's name can make anybody think it is in any way reasonable for you to be the one who also does all the donkey work for your mother and her family?
I wouldn't teach this to your little ones, but learn and enjoy the following gesture. Raise the middle finger of your right hand. Pointing down with your left index finger, describe a circle around said middle finger. So doing, instruct any bullies who are currently giving you a hard time to "sit on this and spin."
I don't know how you can do this, but you need somehow to detach completely from your mother - and possibly the rest of her family too - for a period of time that you can estimate better than I can. Five years, ten years, whatever.
If you can somehow manage this, it may actually save any vestiges of love between you and your mother; prevent irrevocable estrangement from your siblings (okay you might relish that prospect now - and at the time of writing I happen to share the sentiment as regards my own siblings - but in a decade? Who knows?); and also prevent your feelings towards mankind in general becoming permanently scarred.
You've put up with all this until your tether has actually snapped BECAUSE you are a good daughter and you do - or did, I can imagine it's hard to remember at the moment - love your mother. You care about your family's opinion of you. You would like to be respected as a caring and considerate person by outsiders (like fat-headed nurses who have no idea of what they're talking about). All of these are entirely natural aspirations. You are a completely normal individual, with normal emotions.
The bit that is not normal is the mountain of poo being shovelled at you by others. If you continue to try to handle it, then things that we'd all normally shrug off, like a nurse getting completely out of her tree and feeling the need to teach us our filial duty, get out of proportion because they're added to the weight of pressure piling up on you.
Nurses, receptionists and administrators, doctors - outsiders, that is to say - say silly things all the time. My favourite was the senior ward nurse who saw scars on the wrists of a teenager, demanded an explanation, and on getting it blurted out: "You did this to yourself? Are you crazy?!" I'm ashamed to say I squealed with laughter and so got caught bang to rights eavesdropping. But you have to wonder, how did that nurse come to be nursing adolescents if she was that hysterically insensitive?
And how does a nurse who works in a nursing home still manage to be that lacking in imagination, understanding or sympathy for patients' relatives?
Screen phone calls and don't answer the nursing home's. I suppose, if you felt so inclined, you could request that they put any sit. reps. in writing and mail them to you, for information only. Might there be any mileage, maybe, in asking your own doctor to liaise with your mother's personal doctor and explain to the latter that you are not to be subjected to any further harassment?
Look, you're a good daughter. Your mother is having a rough time, life is being unkind to her (n.b. life. Not you), it's hard to be sweet in her situation, and if you had absolutely nothing else on your plate I'm sure you'd be sitting by her bedside peeling grapes. But there we are: you do have other things on your plate, rather a full helping as it happens; and although she remains important to you there is no room for her on your priority list.
With a bit of luck you'll have scared the nurses away, for the time being at least. Good for you! Nothing terrible will happen to your mother if you (mentally, I mean; I'm not suggesting…) put her on ice for the duration. Your family can think and say what they like, because you will have your fingers in your ears and your mind on higher things. Time will pass. Before you know it your lovely new baby will be toddling, then in school, your older children with luck will meet nice older people who don't repel them and will discover that not all grannies are to be avoided, and you will be busy being a great wife and mother in a family that has your full attention. Later, perhaps, as leisure and inclination allow, in due course you can revive other relationships in more favourable circumstances; at which time they might have a better chance of success. Hold tight. It'll be worth it.
One other thought. You mention above that previously (before you knew better, would you say?) you "caved in" and were "taking care of everything…" I'm uncomfortably reminded of women who return time and again to their abusive partners. The giving in is a hard thing to resist. You make sure you do damn well resist: you'll be glad you did.
Come on. Drop everything that involves fighting, causes you anger and hurts you. This is not the time to deal with them. Good luck, and I wish you restful sleep and an easy, timely labour. xxx
No adult is responsible for their parents financially. Not from their own money anyway. Someone may have to be responsible to see that they have the info they need to get her Medicaid, or to actually pay the bills if she has any money, but please don't feel that you are responsible for anyone but your own bills and your children's while they are underage. Getting her relocated sounds like an excellent idea.
Please put yourself first. This is hard to do if you are the caretaking type by nature, but your mother has lived her life. Give your baby the chance to do the same.
I'm retired NHA, and I seethe when I read stuff like this.
My husband came up with a fantastic idea this afternoon. He called his mother and she is flying out tonight to come and help until the baby is born. This includes dealing with the nursing home. She pretty much dropped everything and was astonished that no one else (his sister live less then 2 blocks away, and many uncles/cousins/etc live less then an hour away) has even attempted to try to help. Pretty much they all just ignore the kids and I...when she found out that not even his sister was helping, she flipped and booked a plane immediately (sister in law can go to Idaho to visit friends, but can't drop by the house once in a while to help me??). She should be here by tomorrow night. She's going to stay here until/after the baby is born (which could be upwards of a month?). She's even doing a 7 hr layover between flights. (She's a doctor, and knows how serious this can be) Phew, kids are covered at the very least.
She even offered to take the user's manual for the wheelchair down to the nursing home for me! O.O! Wow. I'm baffled. I didn't want to beg her for help, since his father died last year and she's been in a rough spot...but, she's REALLY nice. So, any help...is help at the moment.
I did some looking into the evil nurse too. She just started working there a few weeks ago. I know they change staff constantly, but damn... Brand new. Crazy. I bet they won't act like this to my mother-in-law, she doesn't take garbage from anyone.
I also made a phone call to the billing specialist there, and checked to make sure that they were taking over financially. They are, and have officially been paid their very first check out of a brand new REAL bank account. (It took me 3 months to originally get a bank account and set up direct deposit for her. For some reason in this state, over 6 different banks required THREE forms of ID and even with a POA they wanted my mother to physically come into the bank...which obviously wasn't going to happen.) So hardest part: done.
Evil nurse has since been fired. I'm not sure the exact details, but apparently, she was rubbing a LOT of people the wrong way besides just me. I do know that two of the social workers there said that she had been attempting to "guilt" other family members, and there were other complaints against her from them too. She had only been working there about 3 weeks before being terminated.
So, YAY!!!!!! Go nursing home!
I also found out that my hips are officially "dislocated" by 3-4 inches. Ouchies. I am currently working with a "feminine physical therapist" to help realign them with "gentle manipulation" (the irony is that it's not gentle at all). So far we can keep my hips aligned for an hour per day, before they pop back out of place again - and after only ONE appointment!!!! :):):):) I was told if it had gone 2 more inches that I'd need surgery for a hip replacement or plates in the future. I was also told that I WILL have this issue AFTER giving birth, but not nearly as extreme (no baby pushing down etc etc).
So, I'm doing better AND I walked around the house today for 10 minutes without any help! Score! I even managed to visit my mom - quickly - the other day (she's really out of it, sleeping all the time for some reason...but she's not on narcotics so I don't know what's up with that). She said she loved me, and that was pretty much it before she fell asleep again.
A feeding tube would not have helped your Dad in fact it would probably have made his passing even more difficult. Although he seemed healthy at 91 he was in fact already slowly dying from his cancer. He had been loosing weight and contracted pneumonia plus he had difficulty swallowing all signs that something was wrong. he did not know and nor did you so again there is not need for guilt.
It is always very difficult to watch someone pass with the terminal secretions you describe but you were there to comfort him. Nothing helps at this time, trying to suction just makes it worse . The fear you saw in his eyes was very real but probably not because he was dying but because he could not breath which is always terrifying whatever the reason. the Dilaudid was given for sedation to try and calm the fear not for pain relief and it was a very compassionate action. When someone is dying artificail feeding puts more stress on essential organs. Letting Mother Nature take it's course is the kindest action so the body can slow down and finally stop essentail functions. In retrospect you made the right decision and were there with your Dad which was the most important action you could take. Dad is resting in peace so give yourself permission to relax and and grieve for the loss but also celebrate Dad's long life and let his final hours fade from memory. They were tough at the time but far better than suffering from long months of treating the cancer and finally having a similar end. Blessings
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