I'm not sure what to do anymore, and I posted about this a few years ago and it just seems to have gotten worse. My dad who is 83 with COPD seems to take a turn for the worse, or its just drama. And with all the COVID hysteria doesn't help. I can't tell with him because he's always been the negative, pessimistic type and has always been volatile at times. And of course he's always been big baby when he doesn't feel well. He claims his breathing is more difficult lately but he refuses to go to the hospital or call his regular doctor. He tells us he will die in his own home when we attempt to get him some help. He relies too much on the VA and they have pretty much said there isn't much they can do for him anymore. The VA attempted to have someone come to his house to help him out and etc, but of course he refused. Instead he'd rather be miserable instead and of course because we share a house with him he makes a miserable as well. I really don't know what he expects from us and of course he keeps talking about dying.
I just don't know what if anything we can do
Apparently what is more at issue here is that this now very very ill father is living in the household and you feel on a daily basis helpless and confused as to how to address all this. Who is POA? Has the POA for health and Father sat and discussed what might be next, how close to end stage his disease is, when to have hospice support, or does Dad also refuse all of that.
You may come down ultimately to choosing not to keep your Dad in your home. He may get more support, more people to decide what to do irregardless of what your Dad wishes in any medical crisis. He is already in a state of near chronic discontent, so the move may not tax him overmuch. I am saying that, if you need to consider this for the health and well being of YOUR OWN FAMILY, that I feel you should. Covid in the next 6 months will be addressed with Vaccine; until then a transfer for your father would put him greatly at risk, so perhaps movement in this direction is something to contemplate and discuss with Dad. I would make it clear to your Dad that you understand his feeling ill all the time, and consequently not all that positive, but that it is having an affect on all the family and you really can't have that.
The best friend of a dear friend of mine had a rare lung condition that caused chronic breathlessness; She was the single person I recall in all a long nursing career who managed to live with the constant terror of the next breath and remain a person of good cheer, and even she did, toward the end of her too short life, turn to alcohol as a means of self medicating. My heart goes out to your Dad, and to you all.
I just don't want to see him suffer and I want him to be happy, but the fact that he will not cooperate just impedes anything we attempt to do.
I would just let Dad do what he wants. Hospice would be a big help especially towards the end. Morphine is also used to help ease breathing.
So, having been there/done that in terms of having severe asthma attacks & needing many nebulizer treatments just to make it thru the night, I can tell you this: If things get bad ENOUGH with your dad's breathing, HE WILL ASK FOR AND TAKE HELP. Trust me. His situation isn't as bad as he's making it out to be...........that's most likely what's going on. Otherwise, he'd be begging for nebulizer treatments and oxygen and inhalers and any pills he could get his hands on, even if he never pooped again as a result.
Let him know you're there IF he needs you and IF he truly WANTS help. Otherwise, you're just a sounding board for him and nothing else.
My mother is the same way...........she lives to complain and turn everything into a drama story. My cousin called my mother yesterday & told her that her son is paralyzed on his left side and has a large blood clot in his leg; he's suffering from stage 4 brain cancer. Know what my mother said? "Oh just like ME, I'm in the exact same boat." In reality, there's nothing wrong with her AT ALL except for neuropathy in her legs/feet.
Wishing you the best of luck dealing with a situation you can't really change. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace, too.
Asthma attacks are horrible.
Remind him that the doctors have said nothing more can be done. Tell him that hospice will keep him comfortable and in his own home. When he talks about dying, be honest and say something like "Yes, dad, you're dying but hospice can help you die on your own terms." Perhaps if that's your reaction to his "drama" he may understand that you want to help him.
Ask again. If he refuses, ask Hospice if they will come anyway - to help YOU. To advice & support. Explain this to Dad. Otherwise, without this extra support at home - it is too hard on you & he may not be able to stay in his home.
Does that come across as too blackmailing?