I've been on agingcare.com all the time and know that many of these issues have been addressed. But I have no hope. I had a total nervous breakdown and was almost suicidal a few weeks ago. I can't go on. Numerous issues:
-Impossible parents have caused two accidents recently. My family and I took away the keys but Dad fought it, tried to sneak them from caregivers, called the DMV, Police, did not accept his liability even though he was proved to be at fault, threatened to call injured parties. He falls asleep often, even at the wheel. If we sabotage the car he said he will buy another one. We reported them to the DMV already. At this very moment they could cause another accident or even kills someone. They have impaired judgment about everything.
-Mom has dementia, mid-stage. Both of them are in denial about it.
-Both of them are very stubborn and only drive 1.5 hour each way to their herbalist who is not really a Primary Care Physician. You cannot force someone to make proper medical decisions.
-We spent months of stress to get them into a perfect AL. Dad sabotaged the plan once, then we got them there and they lasted only a week and have moved back to their dangerous, decaying house. Dad was adjusting but stuck in a small room with a dementia wife was suffocating. If we separated Mom into MC then my dad would have a chance to improve away from her madness. I know you cannot force anyone into AL against their will without a guardianship. The AL was month to month so they could walk away.
-They will probably not accept or dismiss any home care givers. They have always wanted to do things their own way and on their own but now they do things dangerously.
-Guardianship has been filed but know they are far too competent at this point.
-Elder care paralegal says there's not much to do but to let it all get worse before it can get better so they will accept care. I'm starting to HATE that phrase. What does that mean? Let them kill someone on the road by driving, have a stroke, fall, constant ER visits, $ bankruptcy and endless other possibilities?
I am just not strong enough to deal with them and did my very best last year. I have tons of support and resources and even the good people at the AL couldn't get them to stay. I can't face the endless years of madness and dementia ahead. My body already crashed and am still suicidal and live in existential terror of what may happen. I am seeing a therapist. I need to save my life over theirs? Is that wrong to want to live? How can I walk away? It's terrible but I'm honest. I am not willing to live with them for years on end. Reading all the posts, I don't think you can.
I think the paralegal is right; you'll have to step back & away from your folks and let them do their own thing at home (without the car) and have a crisis occur before they can be placed. What that means is, one of them will have an accident, break a leg or a hip, go to the hospital and then rehab who will refuse to release them back to living independently at home. THAT is when managed care or full time in-home help will be their only option. In the meantime, step BACK and care for YOURSELF b/c your life is just as important (or more important) than THEIRS at this point. Setting yourself on fire to keep them warm is a mistake, and your nervous breakdown is proof of that.
You DO have to save your own life now! It's not wrong to want to live YOUR life and to allow them to live theirs, at least to some degree. You're not 'walking away' ....you're being FORCED to leave them to fend for themselves after trying everything in your power to help them, and having THEM refuse the help. You can't force a person to take care of themselves; they have to want to do it. Even though your folks are incapable of caring for themselves at this point, it's going to require them being FORCED into care before they accept it. #Truth. Don't go down the drain yourself waiting for that to happen!
Wishing you the best of luck realizing your limitations here, and agreeing to take care of yourself now. Should you ever feel like suicide is the only way out of this situation, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255
You could also contact the dealers in the area to warn them off from selling to him. I don't if it'd work, but dealers are mighty wary of selling to iffy older folks as it is. They don't want the liability.
Give them the numbers for Adult Protective Services in their area and for the police and 9-1-1.
Then you leave.
If you will not leave, no one can make you, just as it has taken you this long to recognize that no one can make THEM change. You have done everything humanly possible.
AA has a phrase that goes something like "Let-go-and-let-God". While I am not a believer and I might change that last word to "let the universe" I am capable of understanding that IF there is a God, I AM NOT IT. I am a human being with limitations. To believe I could change the above screnarios a bit by sacrificing my life to it would be wrong.
I am relieved that you are seeing a therapist, but understand that he or she is ALSO human. No one can do this for you but yourself. Often it is terrifying to makes changes, even when your current situation is untenable, because the one thing more terrifying than where you are, is making a change to the unknown.
I wish you luck. Again, so happy you have a therapist.
The choice is yours. No one can make it for you. My heart goes out to you, but clearly you have done everything humanly possible.
You can report the situation to Adult Protective Services.
You can make a call to the State Elder Abuse hotline. Neglect of one parent by another, lack of self care all comes under that umbrella.
Often what it takes is a catastrophic incident to either get someone to admit that they need help or help has to step in because of a disaster.
If either has been diagnosed with dementia, and you say your mom has if dad is not caring for her properly you could try to get Guardianship. That would solve a problem with your mom.
If dad has dementia as well a formal diagnosis would help as you could do the same.
If the house is unsafe you could also report that to your local Health Department and or Building and Zoning.
to the last of your post...
How can you walk away...?
You pack your bags and walk out the door.
And yes you will probably feel guilty. But you have no reason to. This is NOT your fault, NOT your problem. The best way to change things is to change your thoughts, actions, reactions.
There is a solution that is distasteful to you, but it is a solution nonetheless: call APS and keep reporting them. At some point the county can acquire guardianship of one or both of them and then they will constrain them legally into safe and protected environment.
Often on this website others have referenced the example of being on a plane that is in a nosedive. You are traveling with 2 people who are not capable of figuring out how to put on their oxygen masks. So you correctly put yours on first, so that you can save yourself, and then help them -- if that's what you choose to do. If you delay and pass out/die, you won't be any help to them anyway. The ONLY way left to help them is by making yourself a priority and putting your mask on first. You're not neglecting or abandoning them. Doing this does NOT mean you don't love them. Please move out, and let another solution take form.
"I have done everything for her"
"I cannot let her suck me into hell again worrying about her."
"I have to think of myself now."
yes!!
Your therapist should focus on how (I don't know how) you detach yourself from your parents. You are not responsible for their choices, any more than you are for the choices of any other adult human being on the planet.
You do, moreover, have endless independently verified and documented evidence that you have moved heaven and earth to help them make better, safer choices. You have the best reason of all to stop: namely, that it doesn't work. Yes, you will have to wait for them to crash. God willing, it will only be metaphorically.
Does it solve their situation, no, but it removes you from crazy town.
We cannot save people who do not want saving.
Continue to disable the car. Write with a bold Sharpie in the inside of the Hood that the car has been disabled as your parents are unsafe drivers. Make it clear that you will hold anyone who enables their driving partially responsible for any accidents they get into and deaths they may cause, including your parents death.
I know I did all I could, with the resources I had, with professional input, within the law.
It did not *solve* the problem nor *save* the person from unwise decisions, but I have peace. I can relax.
We are stretched thin in the worse of the pandemic here, high illness, high hospitalisation, lowered ambulance response time. But I still have peace.
I did my best.
Please keep your hope alive. Hope that you get to a peaceful place too.
1. I am responsible to save my own life even if that means walking away and my parents decline/die. I MUST detach from them.
2. I want to choose to live for my family and friends.
3. I cannot force them to accept help, and I cannot be responsible when they refuse the help I offer.
4. I cannot give up my physical, emotional, mental and financial health for them and cannot feel guilty about this.
So basically we are down to you and your own mental breakdowns and your needs to get better. You have a therapist, and that is your best guide to helping yourself through your own issues toward a healthy way of life for yourself. We cannot help in this. We can send you our support but that does little. The hard work is yours, and your therapist's.
Just wishing you so much luck moving forward. You are bright and engaged, and have sought the help for yourself that you need. You have tremendous insight into your own condition, and into the choices your parents have made. I have great faith in your moving forward for yourself.
At some point you have to let your technically competent parents make their own decisions - even though they’re letting their emotions overrule logic. “You can’t have a rational discussion with an irrational person” regardless of age.
How to walk away:
Doing the same thing over & over & expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Your efforts have been fruitless and created unhealthy dynamics. Accept you can’t change them NOW. Tell them you love them. Leave. Use the time to nurture yourself. Then you’ll be in a better place to help when they’re ready to listen.
Based on advice from SIL re: teenagers. If I stay awake worrying & they’re okay, I wear myself out needlessly. If my teen’s not okay, better to be rested when they need me.
hugs!!
you wrote:
"engaging them-crashing-recovering, engaging them-crashing-recovering, repeat. Each time you crash is lower. The next inevitable crisis I will crash lower and not come back. So it's not even a metaphoric crash for them, I have real experience with them that something WILL happen."
----
i totally understand.
similar situation on my side:
a lot of stress worrying. a lot of my help/suggestions refused. then an accident (fall) happened (could have been prevented with my suggested solution), etc.
then i help with the consequences of the accident.
etc.
unfortunately, this happened again.
i love my parents verrry much.
solution?
the way i've dealt with it is like this:
i set up a system to the best of my ability (good paid caregivers at home).
the system is not water-tight (i understand no system is water-tight...but there are systems that can be greatly improved). in my case, accidents can still happen, unfortunately. i have more suggestions on how to make things safer (suggestions were refused).
but i've done my absolute best.
i used to worry verrrry much (at night, during the day).
like you OP, it was totally realistic, justified worry, because in reality THINGS were happening: accidents (falls), etc.
i worry less now.
i simply can't continue like this: totally stressed/worried.
i tried my absolute best to make things as safe as possible for my LOs.
i succeeded recently in adding more things to the system to make things safer (it wasn't refused).
(by the way OP, you're worried about your LOs maybe harming/killing someone driving. that's badddd of course. one thing is for LOs to make bad decisions that harm themselves, another thing is to harm/kill someone else. i hope you can get the licence revoked. how about sabotaging the car anyway? they buy a new car. you sabotage the car again. the car mysteriously doesn't work; you have nothing to do with it. ask a mechanic how to best secretly sabotage a car.)
(by the way OP, if you feel you should report your parents to APS, as a danger not only to themselves, but as a real danger/threat to others, then please do so. maybe killing/harming someone is serious).
----
returning to my case, i worry less now.
i implemented the best possible system i could do.
i must now focus on my life, otherwise my life will totally drown.
things will happen (i hope not) ---- but that's how it is. when you're older/frail, unfortunately things will happen. we have the best possible system in place, given all the facts of our case.
now i should focus on me.
what i tell myself is:
let your success be their happiness.
a loving parent wants you to be happy, successful in life. (if a parent isn't loving, that's what they should want for you). a loving parent doesn't want to eat up your life.
i want to help my LOs AND myself.
-------------so what i mean OP, is that when you've done your best, you've done your best.
----
to summarize:
i did my absolute best in setting things up as safely as possible.
now, i focus on me. i "worry" about my life --- in the sense that i pour my "worry" and helping, into helping my life.
hugs!!
bundle of joy :)
Does your dad have dementia as well? Even if not diagnosed, it seems there might be something going on. Maybe it pales in comparison to your mom's case, but it should not be ignored.
I hope you can stop being in "existential terror of what may happen". Stuff is going to continue to happen. Probably plenty of bad stuff. That's kind of the norm with dementia. Please try to accept this fact and not to be so afraid. That high level of stress is unnecessary and does not help anyone. Especially you! Do some deep breathing and come to terms with the crazy. That is not under your control.
It doesn't have to black or white. You can help your parents a bit, IF you want to. But you get to decide what to do. How much. When. Since you can't continue doing all you have been, might be good to arrange to have staff come to their home to pick up the slack. If they send them away, that's on them, not you.
Definitely disable the car and hide the keys off-site.
You change the keys on the chain so they do not work.
You put glue or something in the door / key hole to jam it (if it takes a key to open (mine doesn't).
You need to get out of this situation.
Your responsibility now is to yourself and healing yourself. If you do not have your health, what is left for you? Nothing. I believe you are writing us here for validation.
Your cries for support are validated.
You need to help yourself.
If you legally do not have any recourse, accept this and if you do not, I question why not? You matter. Just take care of the car per above instructions . . . / suggestion. Even if he buys a new one, take part of the engine away so he can't start it.
Sometimes, the police and/or DMV cannot do anything until an MD submits in writing they / your dad is incompetent and unable to drive a vehicle. Even if license is revoked, some people will drive anyway. Do both - from a distance. It is frightening to realize that some people with dementia - and many - are driving.
Take care of yourself. If you are suicidal, your therapist must take some action on your behalf for your safety. What does s/he say ? Do ? Advise ?
Your life depends on you letting go. Do you see this?
What is running you to continue to self-abuse?
Gena / Touch Matters
it’s very difficult with difficult parents.
do your best for them AND you.
i agree with the post below by touchmatters:
—disconnect part of the car
—help yourself, your life
They need an older one who's experienced with this kind of behavior. One who knows how to put a stubborn senior in their place and how to keep them there for their own safety and everyone else's.
Now, you are in no fit condition to be handling any of it just right now because you need to take some time and have a rest.
Here's what you do for them. Pay a visit to the police department in the town they live in. Tell the cops that they have dementia and have caused car accidents, but the DMV is aware. Ask the police to do regular wellness checks on your parents because they are at-risk adults. The police department will report them to APS (Adult Protective Services) and to your state's department of social services. When the calls come in from the police these agencies get on the ball a lot faster than if it was a family member trying to get help.
Also, don't pay any mind to what a paralegal working for an elder law attorney has to say. Police, social workers, and healthcare professionals are who handle these kinds of situations. Not elder lawyers or their paralegals. Please talk to the police department. They will help you and will probably send a social worker to speak with you too. Then let the state take it from there. Good luck and please keep us posted.
We need help in supervising our parents. Once Dementia is in the mix we as children should have some sort of control and a law backing us up. If our parents were children, CPS would come in and take them away. Dementia makes them like children. We need laws in place to protect them and others around them. A car is a weapon and people have gone to jail for vehicular homicide.
I think by law a Dr. should be made to report to DMV any diagnosis of Dementia or any desease that would interfere with driving. Then its up to DMV to contact the person and have them come in for a driving test and eye test. This is followed up every 3 to 6 months. With a family member or designated person having the right to call if there are any changes in that time. If the person doesn't comply, then DMV revolks his licence until he does comply.
We can't help our parents if our hands are tied. And we can't be held responsible either. If our parents have rights in situations like this, then we cannot be held accountable when something drastic happens. Driving is a privilege not a right. You can legally take a drunk off the streets but you can't legally take a person whose brain is dying off the streets?
You may just need to walk away and wait for the disaster. You have tried everything with no help. So if something does happen you say "I tried and no one listened".
Call Adult Protective Service in your area, explain they are dangerous to themselves and others and have APS come see for themselves. Tell them, you have done everything possible to assist and they resist every turn. See if APS can get them evaluated and in turn, placed somewhere.
You’re right, you can’t make them, however if they are found to be a safety risk, I think APS should be able to get the ball rolling. It’s brutal and won’t be a good situation, but yeah, you really have no choice. Report them to APS and get out while you can. I know you don’t want to do that, but it sounds like you have no choice. Good luck & keep us posted.
Are the folks blowing up your phone day & night with 'urgencies'?
What specific tasks must you do for them this week?
Let's see if we can thinktank to offload some?