I've been on agingcare.com all the time and know that many of these issues have been addressed. But I have no hope. I had a total nervous breakdown and was almost suicidal a few weeks ago. I can't go on. Numerous issues:
-Impossible parents have caused two accidents recently. My family and I took away the keys but Dad fought it, tried to sneak them from caregivers, called the DMV, Police, did not accept his liability even though he was proved to be at fault, threatened to call injured parties. He falls asleep often, even at the wheel. If we sabotage the car he said he will buy another one. We reported them to the DMV already. At this very moment they could cause another accident or even kills someone. They have impaired judgment about everything.
-Mom has dementia, mid-stage. Both of them are in denial about it.
-Both of them are very stubborn and only drive 1.5 hour each way to their herbalist who is not really a Primary Care Physician. You cannot force someone to make proper medical decisions.
-We spent months of stress to get them into a perfect AL. Dad sabotaged the plan once, then we got them there and they lasted only a week and have moved back to their dangerous, decaying house. Dad was adjusting but stuck in a small room with a dementia wife was suffocating. If we separated Mom into MC then my dad would have a chance to improve away from her madness. I know you cannot force anyone into AL against their will without a guardianship. The AL was month to month so they could walk away.
-They will probably not accept or dismiss any home care givers. They have always wanted to do things their own way and on their own but now they do things dangerously.
-Guardianship has been filed but know they are far too competent at this point.
-Elder care paralegal says there's not much to do but to let it all get worse before it can get better so they will accept care. I'm starting to HATE that phrase. What does that mean? Let them kill someone on the road by driving, have a stroke, fall, constant ER visits, $ bankruptcy and endless other possibilities?
I am just not strong enough to deal with them and did my very best last year. I have tons of support and resources and even the good people at the AL couldn't get them to stay. I can't face the endless years of madness and dementia ahead. My body already crashed and am still suicidal and live in existential terror of what may happen. I am seeing a therapist. I need to save my life over theirs? Is that wrong to want to live? How can I walk away? It's terrible but I'm honest. I am not willing to live with them for years on end. Reading all the posts, I don't think you can.
I think the paralegal is right; you'll have to step back & away from your folks and let them do their own thing at home (without the car) and have a crisis occur before they can be placed. What that means is, one of them will have an accident, break a leg or a hip, go to the hospital and then rehab who will refuse to release them back to living independently at home. THAT is when managed care or full time in-home help will be their only option. In the meantime, step BACK and care for YOURSELF b/c your life is just as important (or more important) than THEIRS at this point. Setting yourself on fire to keep them warm is a mistake, and your nervous breakdown is proof of that.
You DO have to save your own life now! It's not wrong to want to live YOUR life and to allow them to live theirs, at least to some degree. You're not 'walking away' ....you're being FORCED to leave them to fend for themselves after trying everything in your power to help them, and having THEM refuse the help. You can't force a person to take care of themselves; they have to want to do it. Even though your folks are incapable of caring for themselves at this point, it's going to require them being FORCED into care before they accept it. #Truth. Don't go down the drain yourself waiting for that to happen!
Wishing you the best of luck realizing your limitations here, and agreeing to take care of yourself now. Should you ever feel like suicide is the only way out of this situation, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255
You could also contact the dealers in the area to warn them off from selling to him. I don't if it'd work, but dealers are mighty wary of selling to iffy older folks as it is. They don't want the liability.
You have receive much good advice and guidance here. Make sure you anyone you contact about this situation - i.e., the police, the state, their doctor, etc, that this is all done in writing (either snail mail certified or email with a notification that the email has been viewed) so that there is a 'trail of proof' for you.
For sure recontact the DMV, the auto insurance company, the home insurance company, the local police, their doctor(s), and the State - including Adult Protective Services. Have a doctor declare, in writing, that your parents are unable to take care of themselves and make their own financial decisions. They don't have to be full out dementia - it sounds like they are not living in a 'safe home environment' (key words there). This opens the possibility that then POA an be given to a competent person to manage your folks affairs - whether it is you or another trusted family member. This letter is then provided to all agencies and to the bank, insurance companies, etc.
When my mother mixed up her meds and the result was that the local pharmacy had to call 911 because mother was at the pharmacy having a full anxiety attack (she forgot she took her pain meds and took too many along with forgetting to take her hi blood pressure pills, etc), the emergency room had to notify the state, and the state got Adult Protective Services involved. They scheduled a visit to come and 'chat' at which I was present because I set up the appointment. If you folks don't set up an appointment, APS could show up unannounced and your folks might not let them in. You want to be present so all the 'facts' are aired and APS fully understands the situation. And if the hospital doesn't call APS, YOU call them.
Take away al the keys to the car(s), disconnect the battery, render the alternator unusable, flatten all the tires - do whatever it takes to disable any vehicle so they cant drive it. Don't tell them, just do it.
Once you have done everything in your power, there is no more you can do. You cannot control them, nor can you change them - like ever. You have been as proactive as you possible can, and now set your boundaries. Do not engage in discussions or arguments with either parent - it doesn't help nor does it work - it just frustrates you further and stresses you out even more. If they call and start b*******, hang up. Do not engage. I know that is hard and they will probably be super pissed at and with you - but you have to now recoup your mental and physical health. No more jumping through hoops between tall buildings. You cannot do anymore, and must heal yourself.
Does it solve their situation, no, but it removes you from crazy town.
We cannot save people who do not want saving.
Continue to disable the car. Write with a bold Sharpie in the inside of the Hood that the car has been disabled as your parents are unsafe drivers. Make it clear that you will hold anyone who enables their driving partially responsible for any accidents they get into and deaths they may cause, including your parents death.
They need an older one who's experienced with this kind of behavior. One who knows how to put a stubborn senior in their place and how to keep them there for their own safety and everyone else's.
Now, you are in no fit condition to be handling any of it just right now because you need to take some time and have a rest.
Here's what you do for them. Pay a visit to the police department in the town they live in. Tell the cops that they have dementia and have caused car accidents, but the DMV is aware. Ask the police to do regular wellness checks on your parents because they are at-risk adults. The police department will report them to APS (Adult Protective Services) and to your state's department of social services. When the calls come in from the police these agencies get on the ball a lot faster than if it was a family member trying to get help.
Also, don't pay any mind to what a paralegal working for an elder law attorney has to say. Police, social workers, and healthcare professionals are who handle these kinds of situations. Not elder lawyers or their paralegals. Please talk to the police department. They will help you and will probably send a social worker to speak with you too. Then let the state take it from there. Good luck and please keep us posted.
You're gonna have to take a step back and let it hit the ground. You have attempted to help them and they don't want it. It's hard to do with people you love, but it has to happen. I had to walk away from an alcoholic father for the same reason. You cannot make sense of insanity.
You could write a letter to the BMV and let them know that your parents are not mentally sound and that they should be brought in for a driving test. That's how I got moms drivers license taken away. Then if they continue to drive without a license and they get into an accident or pulled over, the law/courts will get involved. Basically you're waiting until they corner themselves and have no other resource other than to go into a facility. Adult Protective Services is another phone call you can make just to let them know that your parents are endangering themselves. I know this is hard for you and I am not attempting to make light of the situation. Your stress and worry is not solving their issue and it is causing you harm.
Their lives are falling apart and they are going to fight to try to maintain control of it, no matter how crazy that sounds. Other than alerting the authorities about their situation, you're going to have to let it play out. If you have a type A personality like I do, it is going to be very difficult for you to do, but you have to keep yourself healthy so that when the s*** hits the fan and it will, you are available to help them however you can.
"I have done everything for her"
"I cannot let her suck me into hell again worrying about her."
"I have to think of myself now."
yes!!
We need help in supervising our parents. Once Dementia is in the mix we as children should have some sort of control and a law backing us up. If our parents were children, CPS would come in and take them away. Dementia makes them like children. We need laws in place to protect them and others around them. A car is a weapon and people have gone to jail for vehicular homicide.
I think by law a Dr. should be made to report to DMV any diagnosis of Dementia or any desease that would interfere with driving. Then its up to DMV to contact the person and have them come in for a driving test and eye test. This is followed up every 3 to 6 months. With a family member or designated person having the right to call if there are any changes in that time. If the person doesn't comply, then DMV revolks his licence until he does comply.
We can't help our parents if our hands are tied. And we can't be held responsible either. If our parents have rights in situations like this, then we cannot be held accountable when something drastic happens. Driving is a privilege not a right. You can legally take a drunk off the streets but you can't legally take a person whose brain is dying off the streets?
You may just need to walk away and wait for the disaster. You have tried everything with no help. So if something does happen you say "I tried and no one listened".