We just moved my dad to assisted living. We tried having him live with my sister but he wants constant attention and she works full time from home so it wasn't working.
He's now living by me. I've told him over and over that if he goes downstairs he can meet people and join activities but he doesn't and then calls me multiple times a day because he wants attention.
Does anyone have suggestions on how to deal with this?
Your father is probably scared. He may be very aware he is losing his memory. You are his familiar. He is in a strange place with strange people. If in early stages of Dementia he probably can't be reasoned with. He is losing that ability.
I contacted the facility and asked them to assign him a "resident ambassador" to help him get acclimated.
It's only been a week so maybe it will get better. I'm just feeling overwhelmed and alone.
He's calling my siblings up North so they're calling me telling me that I have to do something but they have no idea of what is actually going on.
Ask the activities person at ASL to try and get him to participate a little at a time. Hopefully he will meet some interesting people to be friends with.
You are finding, I know, that not everything has an EASY, a pat, or even a GOOD answer. Some things are just sad, worth grieving, for both Dad, you and Sister. Don't waver, as that will confuse and distress your Dad.
As to activities, some never do engage with them. Some do eventually find a few like minds. Some people are more or less introverted and not "joiners". As my brother said to me of his ALF "You know hon, it is a bit like the Army; I didn't like it but I DID make the best of it". That's what he did with all his life when times were tough, so Dad will likely adapt to this as he has to much else in life. My brother eventually took a love to long walks on the grounds, sitting quietly and "people watching", going to a few movies or Homes of the Stars tours, cutting roses for the individual tables in the communal dining area. I hope your Dad will eventually adapt as well. All moves all of our lives are tough for ALL of us, so imagine how much more so this one for your Dad.
I almost forgot, Melbent, Welcome to Forum!
Ignore him. You can't pay him constant attention 24/7 and he either has to adapt or he goes into managed care.
You also have to make some conditions about him living with you. Is there a senior center or adult daycare in your area?
He starts going three days a week whether he wants to or not. I don't know what kind of housing you live in where there's activities downstairs or if there's some kind of community room.
If he is welcome to join in then the condition of him staying with you is he goes to activities downstairs two or three hours a day five days a week.
You might want to look into getting him a hired companion to take him out or just sit with him. This can work wonders for a person. There are choices.
I would encourage your siblings to encourage dad to go to some activities and to stop placing the responsibility on you. They can do something by helping him engage with his new environment.
These transitions take time to settle in and calm down. So reassure dad that he is okay, that he should go try the activities and meet his new neighbors. Men are pretty sparce in these places, he will be a big hit with a little effort. Maybe buy him a new dapper neckerchief or hat, something that would make him feel more confident.
Best of luck. This is probably the hardest thing any adult child faces with their parents.
Usually the facility will tell family not to visit for the first two weeks. That way the new resident can learn his/her way around the facility. Possibly meet new people. And begin to recognize the Staff.
My Dad was a shy person and he also wouldn't join in the social hour that happened daily at the facility. At meals, the Staff had him sit with a couple that was his old home State, and a city that he was familiar with.
Otherwise, my Dad preferred to stay in his apartment reading and watching TV, but he would keep his apartment door opened. That way, anyone walking by his door could yell in "Hello" and wave.
I also signed Dad up for physical therapy which he liked. At least it got him out of the apartment couple times a week besides just dinner.
Don't visit too often. He won't adjust if he is waiting on your next visit. Once he does finally settle in have a standard visit day and time. Don't rush there every time he wants something. This is a big change for him but he has to do this on his own.
If Dad can openly discuss how hard it is to move, to learn to fit into a new place, he may be open to discussing how he can help himself adjust?
By leaving his room he will interact with others.
By talking to a few new people he can start to sort the nice from the silly, the interesting from the bores.
What's he got to lose?
Although I get that small talk can be torture for some.. if that's him then a structured activity will be better.
He can take it slow, but set himself a goal: eg find out what's on, then attend ONE activity this week.
If he is willing (even a bit) but initiation skills to arrange/act are low, engage the Activities Director as other have said. This person is basically a *social engineer* & a good one can find out his interests so to set him up with some appropriate groups. It may take a few to trial.
When volunteering at a NH (pre-Covid days, sigh) there were many groups on offer. A small men's group where the newspaper was read out & discussed really impressed me. What I called the 'bright ladies' in their costume jewels & lippy were arranging flowers... The 'jocks' went playing carpet bowls...
These groups were all managed & directed by staff, as was needed at this NH stage. AL may be more self-directed?
That's where the stealth comes in. If Dad can't initiate, a little arranging behind the scenes may really help.
I spent some time just sitting with a new resident in the garden. She did not want to interact with others, was angry at being there really. Was grieving the loss of her house & belongings very deeply. But I think she quietly enjoyed seeing other people enjoying the garden. She returned their 'hello' but nothing more. We talked about adjusting to change. About what she could change to improve things. Eg label her clothes to help prevent items getting lost. About things to consider eg eating with others instead of alone in her room.
I hoped in a week or two she might engage a bit more.
Best wishes for you & your Dad as this adjustment is made.
First and foremost, let your Northern siblings know what's going on with dad; that's he's out of control with wanting attention 24/7 which is why sister #1 couldn't deal with him in the FIRST place. And why he's in AL now. If they'd like to come for a visit to see for themselves that he's fine, go for it. But otherwise, you have enough on your plate dealing with his phone calls, so please don't burden you down with THEIR phone calls in addition. All is well and please give dad a chance to acclimate. Soon he'll be so busy with activities and friends that NONE of us will be able to reach him!
Then give dad a chance to acclimate. Call the Activities Director at the ALF and tell her that dad is a little timid & nervous about meeting people, to please help him get OUT and about, mingling and joining in. In my mom's ALF, the AD would come knock on her door every day at a certain time for activities if she wasn't there in the activity room. They didn't want residents hibernating in their rooms, or eating meals in their rooms either, so they discouraged it. In fact, the ALF would charge $6 per meal for 'room service' for every meal they requested in their room above and beyond 6 per month. That got the residents OUT into the dining room on a daily basis!! If you go to see dad at the ALF, make sure it's at a time a little before an activity starts, and then you can 'drop him off' at that activity before you leave. Or drop him off at the dining room at a table of other gentlemen before you leave. And check with the AD if there's a card game going on with the men and at what time and day it happens. My dad enjoyed playing cards 'with the guys' at the ALF and getting away from my mother and the other yakking ladies at the AL that way~! LOL
Wishing you the best of luck getting others to pay attention to dad so you and your siblings don't have to do so 24/7.
I really don't see how this is such a problem that you would have to ask advice on it.
-Don't answer every call.
-Let some go to voicemail.
-Block voicemails being left to your phone from the number he calls from.
He's bored and if you aren't picking up the phone every five minutes he'll start joining in with the activities going on.
Unlike you, most of us didn't do caregiving as a profession, so this is all new.
Show some compassion.
i have not read the replies yet so forgive me if this has already been suggested. When we moved my mother into assisted living she didn’t participate in any of the activities or even really leave her room. This would be even with caregivers coming to tell her about a super fun thing they were doing or were going to. And my mother was a super social person. I mentioned this to the residence and they said to get her to participate and make friends I really needed to visit her and while visiting take part in the activities and bring her with me to the activities. Again I also needed to actively take part in the activity not just bring her to it and sit on the side lines or leave. While doing the activities I would interact with some of the other residents and those that seemed like people my mother would’ve been friends with years ago (before her dementia) I would try and include them and my mother in a conversation together. This had to be done for a little while (a few weeks and a few visits each week). Eventually she would participate on her own. I would arrive for my visit and she would be with the group from her floor playing a game. For the first few months after she started to participate, when I visited I would try and keep her involved with the activities by participating with her and not go back to her room. After a few weeks she had made « friends » (she had dementia so friendships weren’t exactly the same as they were before her dementia) and even the caregivers knew who they were and would always seat the group of ladies together for meals and activities calling it the « ladies table ».
in my mothers situation the suggestion of me visiting more for a short time frame and including myself in the activités with my mom seemed to help her make friends and be more social and feel like the residence was her home.
i hope this helps.
best of luck!
Well, here's an idea. Block his number or only answer it during certain times. Let him keep calling your siblings. If they don't like it, tell them to come down and see what's going on.
All of that makes it almost unbearable to be around her at any time. Being super close to her is what she really wants and I'm not able to do that for various reasons. Interesting. She did not nurture me as a child - mostly farmed me out when she could and now she seems to want to be nurtured.
I think the solution for your dad would be what he doesn't seem to want to do, which is to get involved in activities and meet other people around him. However if he doesn't want to do that, you can't force him.
I have two ideas in addition to the others that have been suggested:
1. Ask the staff at the AL for suggestions on getting him engaged in life there and implement them.
2. You say your siblings don't know what's going on. Inform them. Keep in touch and ask them to be part of the solution. They can't delegate everything to you. Invite them for a visit and a family meeting.
Blessings to you and yours
I think men have a much harder time. Maybe you can visit as frequently as you can and sit in the common areas and say hello to everyone because the older residents love us ‘young’ ones and are curious and may stop to chat. My mom got more involved once she met a few people who then mentioned the activities they were going to.
Hard but precious times for us ‘kids’!