Long story but here it is. Mom's friend called and said she was declining and needed help. She refused to go to any home but mine. We are the closest out of her 4 kids but still haven’t been real close (narcissistic mom). We agreed to add on to our home to give her a place to feel comfortable and us to still have some normalcy. I’m noticing some signs of dementia. She gets angry if I remind her of anything so I bought a planner and just write what’s going on that day and cross out the previous day so she knows what’s going on.
My question is.. She gets really angry if I remind her of anything on hygiene or cleaning up after herself. So I have a dr appointment and wrote it in planner for her to shower before she looked at it and she ignored it. We have arguments at least 1 a week about her showering. I’ve asked if she’s scared she will fall, needs help, too much energy, forgets? She says no. Just that she doesn’t need to be told what to do. And that I’m not her mom. I’ve told her I put it in planner to remind her what day of week it is and that I put it 2 days a week so that I’m home to help if she needs it. She doesn’t want anyone for Home health coming in to help. She’s gone over 2 weeks when I just backed off and I can’t handle it! I’ve asked her to help me to understand so I can help her and she just says I’m bossy. She’s told me she wishes she were gone. She’s on antidepressants, I’ve tried to help her to focus on the positives. She just glares at me and goes down a rabbit hole of negative. This is getting so exhausting. Please any suggestions would be great. Another note and another topic she is a hoarder so I don’t know if this just attributes to it all? Things I should address with her dr and how to talk to them without her getting angry? 😣
If you are your mom's PoA, that's great and you are in a good position to help her when she can no longer make good decisions for herself. Please read the PoA paperwork to understand the conditions under which that authority can become active (some require 2 diagnosis of cognitive incapacity).
If you (or no one) is her PoA, please make every attempt to encourage her to get this taken care of. Without a designated, documented PoA it will become increasing difficult to legally act on her behalf. And, if she gets a medical diagnosis of cognitive decline, this can prevent her from creating the PoA in the future (as well as cause issues of control among siblings).
If you manage to get her to the doctor (use a fib like, Medicare requires it) then go with her with a pre-written note explaining who you are and your concerns about your mom's behaviors and to request a check for UTI, medication, and memory and discretely give it to the staff or doc. They will do it for you. They did it for me. Also while there try to get her to assign you as her Medical Representative (a separate thing from medical PoA) this way the docs can legally disclose her private (HIPAA) info to you and you can supply them with info about her. I wish you much success in working to help your mom!
I would bring up issues with my mother's doctors, but being that she couldn't remember what the doctor said, she would just angrily dismiss the doc's wisdom when ever I reminded her. "THE DOCTOR IS NOT LIVING IN MY BODY!", she would say. Okay, then. So much for that.
The arguing and snappiness and general unwillingness of my mother to live according to my simple rules, along with the other effects of dementia, stressed me out so much that I was soon incapable of functioning, myself. I live with health concerns of my own, and it was all TOO MUCH.
She now resides in a LOVELY Memory Care Assisted Living Facility.
I even bought my mother a planner, like you did! She now carries it around with her in the Memory Care, and it feeds into her OCD. She eats a bite of food, comments out loud, writes something down in the planner, and REPEAT!
As they say in some programs, "Keep Coming Back!" You will learn a lot here! :-)
Best wishes.
Write a letter to dr prior to visit and ask him if he would ask mom some questions during the visit. How often do you take a bath? Brush teeth? Walk around house or outside? See what her answers are with you standing in the room listening to her answers - correct her as needed. Ask dr to tell her she needs to bathe X times a week, walk so far each day, etc. And if she needs help to do those things, he will order it. Home health can send a person to help, as needed, with a bath, phys therapy if she needs some exercise, etc.
If mom understands your conversation, then let her know these are the rules of the house regarding hygiene. If she wants rules set down by someone else, she can move to some kind of facility care that fits her needs. Ask her what she prefers so you can help her live where she wants to live
Doc should also write the instructions in addition to recommending what she needs to do. She likely won't remember. Maybe, just maybe, coming from a doctor she might read it and do it. Have copies so if she loses or tosses her copy, you have another to post on the wall or include in her "planner."
With the not wanting to take a shower of which my husband is a real challenge for I have found that I tell him it is change the bedsheet day and only clean bodies get into clean bed. I call it “strip the sheets and shower day”. Another idea might be to make it a spa day, with special products, towels, etc and see if that will draw her to basking in the treat. Don’t know if this will help you, but I hope it does.
Lots of people with dementia are reluctant to shower for some reason. Maybe she needs an aide to help her or give her a sponge bath regardless of whether she thinks she needs it or not.
Tell her there's no shame in not remembering everything and that it happens to a lot of people.
And yes dealing with someone being negative and argumentative and difficult is VERY exhausting.
And a hoarder too. Wow lots of things going on there.
Definitely contact the doctor's office before the visit so they can be aware of what is going on so they can discreetly asses her.
Good luck.
In the meantime. try to have a series of discussions with your mom about what life could look like with her living in your home. Explain your values: cleanliness of home and person, respectful conversations... Ask your mom what she values and expects. I have a feeling mom values her privacy and her freedom of choice. Try to find ways to incorporate both. For example, she agrees to bathe more often and you both put the dates and times on her planner. Another example, she agrees to allow you to clean her "place" and throw out garbage, and that 1 thing kept = 1 thing let go of.
See All Answers