First of all I'm so grateful to have found this site. Now...where to start. Mom is 83 and her mind is failing fast. Repeats herself constantly, thinks the bank, the pharmacy, her doctor etc are lying. She's needed hip replacement for at least 10 years, can hardly walk and is in horrible pain. She has not done anything to secure her future. Her home is in disrepair, with a mortgage, although she would probably net $400,000 after sale. She has no other assets other than her SS which I believe is only ~400/mo. I live 500 miles away. I have never been her "favorite" kid, only the responsible kid so this is falling on me. I have an adult disabled child so live on a shoestring while caring for her. I recently had surgery for lung cancer and am trying to heal physically and emotionally. I'm not even cleared for travel yet. I'm simply overwhelmed and do not want to compromise my health or minimal finances but I do love my mom and want to help her if I can. Any ideas where to start?
Angela
It will take the tsunami that's coming to maybe provoke changes in the disconnected, dysfunctional non-system of human welfare we have now.
I can't offer any help, except to say that your mom, when she thinks banks pharmacies, doctors are taking advantage of her, no doubt has past experience as a guide . The older we get, especially women, do get cheated by opportunists and thieves. It would be natural, as her mind becomes frazzled, to feel that everybody is doing it. It's hard, but try not to argue over it and get yourself worked up.
You are apparently in no condition to deal with this major issue. I agree with cwillie that you need that geriatric care manager. And to put it to your siblings that they need to step in and share the all the load, including financially. Better that they take it over altogether. You can't be all things to all people. Take care of yourself and your child first. Your mother had her life and made her choices to get where she is. You have your and your child's life to think of and need to keep that as a top priority.
In the end, we are all dead, and she will feel no pain or resentment against you when that happens. And don't let siblings "guilt you" for not doing what they are unwilling to do.
Thanks for any info you have or good reading on the topic you can suggest.
(and good luck lisajean!)
Jane
What Memory Care facility will you choose for her.
Do you have the authority to sell her house?
Are you POA or who is POA for Finances and medical decisions?
Most Memory Care facilities, if you find one that accepts Medicaid will want you to private pay for at least 1 year. So keep that in mind as you look around.
Your next step might be best to contact a lawyer that is well versed in Elder Care law. They will be able to help you navigate the legalities.
Another question..is your Mom a Veteran? if so she may qualify for other sources of help. If your Dad was a veteran again she may or may not qualify for other help.
Remember..if she sells her home and she has Medicaid..this could cause her to exceed the financial guidelines and not qualify for Medicaid.
Angela
If this stage works and you find a placement, you will then face the need to deal with your mother’s house, because she will need to spend down her funds to access Medicare. Her current income won’t pay for care, and she won’t be eligible for Medicare with a big asset.
It would be a good idea to get all the paperwork in order. A Power of Attorney to deal with finances etc (joint and both to sign might be a good idea if there some family conflict), Advanced Care Directive etc. These need to be in place now when there is no question about her not having the mental capacity to sign the documents.
Think it through and make a decision about what you think is the best course of action. Then come back again for help when there are clearer questions to ask. Good luck in tackling a problem which must seem overwhelming right now, and best wishes.
Right reasons to care for your Mom are that you are in good health , you chose this and you know you have the expertise to do it . You mention she has had pain for years and that alone is enough to make her terribly depressed and sick . My heart goes out to her and she deserves good care , now and to let go of all that is too much . It won't be easy but it will be right . The website I mentioned above can give you real insight into the time and patience it takes for someone with Memory care issues not to mention pain that should have had help years ago . Call Social Services in her area today . She has been neglected long enough . Imagine trying to cope with serious pain and a mind that " tricks " you . Not right ,not fair . Love means it is ok to let go and make that call . Compromising your financial situation is not what you can afford to do at this point , you are correct . Be at peace , make the call and be clear about how serious the situation is with her alone .
Best of luck, keep us posted
If she does not have a geriatric doctor. Get her one. They understand the needs of the geriatric population.
If she has not been started on Namenda and Aricept..discuss with her primary doctor.
She is only receiving $400.00 per month. Something is wrong, especially she was married before. Even if she was not married before..she should be receiving at least $850.00 per month. You might want to take her in to the social security office.
Feel free to contact me for additional resources and information.
Hope this helps.
Angela
I was actually wondering about putting our name on a LO's account. I did this with my Mother but then was advised against it as her funds could be construed as mine somehow implicating me in any possible outstanding bills or worse responsible for a NH stay.
Thanks! Lucy
See an eldercare attorney, establish Power of Attorney (if not done already), and go from there. but plan on nursing home. If she is already on Medicaid no worries. Nursing home placement is merely a doctor's order..done deal.
2 - EDUCATE YOURSELF by finding out who has POA & go forth from there
3 - EDUCATE YOURSELF by finding out her financial position
I can't say it enough - you can't make an informed choice without the straight facts concerning where you stand & make sure they are not guesses but her personal pertainent issues
It seems that there are siblings & what will they be doing to help or hinder - you have quite a bit on your plate so make sure that rest of family are not doing the same things you are which is a waste of time for all - TIME FOR A FAMILY MEETING even if it is a conference call or skype - your don't have to do everything yourself - delegate to the one who can do it best so may be that bro does paerwork, taxes etc & someone does daily issues
Once you have a plan then if possible everyone keep the rest of family in loop - after I take mom for an app't I write it all up in an email with names, contact info etc to my sister & COPY MYSELF - I have folders on computer for her financial, medical & miscellaneous so if I need to refer to anything I look there [subject titles are very important with this] - if she needs to step in if I am away she has the info at hand [we're 2 hour drive away from each other]
Your mom most likely will have to move & probably sooner than later - make it a 1 time move & she should be near whoever has the responsibility for her because doing things from 500 miles away won't work -
Then sell that house & don't kill yourself over it - clean out & search for personal items & things of family value otherwise sell as is as a fixer upper then be done with it - look under the shelf paper for items hidden away - put the money where it will generate an income for her but make sure she can't touch it because she could give it all away in a whim
Seek professional advice for her medical condition, selling house, her legal issues etc - quite often you can get this from agencies that have little or no cost & try to get it from someone who is not trying to sell you something to line their own pockets
Good luck & I hope your situation improves as well as your mom's
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