So I inherited dad a few weeks ago when my brother and sister in law gave up. He's been declining physically and mentally (nearly 93). I WANT to take him to a nice assisted living or memory care place but with Covid, I don't feel it's the right thing to do just now. So I'm kind of stuck just dealing as best as I can. I am going to try to get someone in to give me a break a few days a week. He will balk at that. I was the one honest kid (of 3) who said "no way was he living with me" back when this all became an issue about a year and a half ago. We live in a different state so my tasks recently are just finding him new doctors and getting my head around all his needs which are considerable. Luckily he is still mobile and can dress himself but he is weak from heart and lung issues. He has moderate dementia and has been declared "unable to make informed choice"... yet he can have really interesting conversations at times. Still teases and jokes although his delivery is off since it's hard for him to find words. There has been no risk of wandering (he can barely walk from room to room). I know that Covid restrictions are not lifting anytime soon but what do I look for... memory care or assisted living? If assisted living, he really needs someone looking out for him because he will forget a meal, lose his hearing aids, forget how to adjust his hearing aids, etc. Obviously, he's best cared for here but I can only do this through covid because (why not, I'm stuck home anyway?). I guess I'm selfish but my husband also feels this way and it's his home too. And frankly my dad was always a very selfish guy himself. Please don't judge me. I want the best I can find for him, I just don't know what "label" of care to look for.
What frustrates me about all the places, they rarely have photos of the rooms and facility on their websites! They want you to visit in person so that they can make a hard sell. BUT...covid!
The normal process is for his doctor to fill out the paperwork indicating he needs to go to AL, MC or NH. Then, whenever you find a place that is suitable, a rep from there will come to meet and evaluate your father to determine the level of care he needs.
Most assisted living facilities will accept a resident who can transfer from a wheelchair to another chair or to the bed with little or no assistance. From what you describe, he sounds like a perfect candidate for AL. Keep in mind that if he were to become combative or wander off, he would be sent elsewhere.
Oh, I don't know if it is STILL the case, but MC and NH were tax deductible as medical expenses. AL is not.
Now, as to needs and such you are in a good position to begin looking now. I am assuming you are his POA? As he is judged unable to make decisions? If not it is too late for POA and you are looking likely at a temporary guardianship or conservatorship. It is likely to be uncontested, but will still not be without cost.
Step two is exploring the options. They will be unique to where you live, his assets, and etc. There are many organizations such as A Place for Mom (paid by the facility if you choose it) who will take you around free of cost. They will ask you his abilities, his assets, and his likes and dislikes. Do know that Board and Care is likely much less expensive in most areas and often nicer with only 5 to 7 residents with each having own room and eating communally. Assisted Living goes according to the room rental BUT then you have the care levels. He would need a higher one but not very high. Meds given, rooms cleaned, laundry, assist. If needing assist with bathing and other activities of daily living (ADLs) then it goes up and up and can get to 1,000 to 2,000 more a month before you need it. Some have apartments and some have cottages. Your best way to know what is out there is to be honest. Many now will have virtual tours. Tell them what you told us, and look around. So step one, what are his finances and who will handle them for him. Step two finding what living space works for him and can he afford it, or does he need application for medicaid and so on.
Wishing you good luck. You are starting on an EXTREMELY difficult journey at BEST , and that is even WITHOUT his living with you.
Stick around and read here. I came here in desperation, learned so much. And welcome.
Regardless, of the big talk, MC agitates most residents. It's a locked
unit and designed in a circle.
Where someone is placed is determined by a needs assessment. There is no choice sometimes.
I would also make it clear to his sister that she has no choice, he goes into a facility or she takes him right now. Interference that keeps him at your house will not be tolerated.
I am so angry on your behalf that she thinks she can force you to keep him. I would be dropping him off and let her deal with her decisions, but that's just my opinion.
I would also check the state laws governing medical power of attorney, I don't think that it gives her a vote on residence.
Don't feel bad about finding him a place to live where professionals can care for him. His life choices came with consequences and now he gets to reap what he has sown. Being POA means that you will still be helping him and advocating for him, it isn't like you are just walking away.
Best of luck.
I've found that MC is independent living, assisted living, and skilled nursing all rolled into one. I don't have to worry about moving my mother as she declines and needs more care because her memory care place does everything all those places do.