I had a room for rent. I saw a post on FB there was a 70 YOF looking for a room to rent. I had one, so I contacted the poster. The poster was a nurse aide for roommate ("S"). The nurse aide said "S" was independent, took care of herself, used the bathroom on her own and used pull-ups for "just in case she didn't make it), feeds herself, washes and dresses herself, etc. "She uses a walker but other than that, all good."
My new roommate "S" has been here 3 weeks. She has physically been in the bathroom 2 times to shower. She has been laying in bed, wetting and pooping in the bed. Filling diapers and dropping them in a bucket next to the bed or on the floor next to the bed. Her nurse aide comes M-F between 9 am. and 3p.m. to help with more challenging things, like laundry, shopping, cleaning. I have not seen the nurse aid take soap and water into her room to bathe her and she has only been in the shower twice. She has half of one kidney and drinks tall cans of Long Island Iced tea every day. She chain smokes cigarettes and smokes weed. She stays in the bed, drinking, smoking, laying in her waste and next to her waste. She opens the windows and leaves them open with temperatures ranging from 30-50 f outside. My heat is running non-stop. The ammonia odor is so strong, I got sores in my nose and it set off the carbon monoxide and explosive gas detector in the kitchen. My washer and dryer wreak of ammonia and poop. At most, she has 30 hours per week with an aide. The other 138 hours per week, she is on her own and not performing any self care other than feeding herself long island ice tea, smoking cigarettes and weed. She is choosing to stay in the bed laying in her waste and with her waste laying around her in balled up blankets on the floor and a short open trash can. I couldn't take the odor anymore and started knocking on the door and pulling her trash out of her room but it is very hard to do with the smell as strong as it is. (She has half of one kidney on top of this.) If her nurse aid doesn't come that day she doesn't eat or drink anything besides the long island ice tea, and she doesn't clean her body or clean up her waste. I had a talk with her because I know she CAN get up and use the bathroom and clean herself up (per her nurse aid) but she chooses not to. I told her I could not allow what is happening here continue. By definition, if she is unable to perform the basics of self care, she needs assistance 24/7. She is harming herself but she is also harming me. I have spent a fortune on odor absorbers, candles, odor blocking detergents, etc. And now my electric bill is going through the roof. I'm freezing to death and can't breathe in my own home. I ran her blankets through the washer for 5 hours, washing over and over and using baking soda and vinegar and odor blocking detergent and still couldn't get the odor out. One blanket was full of burn holes. What can I do? I can't live like this and I can't become her 24/7 caretaker. I caught the windows in her room still open in the middle of the night with her sleeping next to the window with it 38 degrees outside and my heat running non-stop. Her behavior is putting both our health and safety at great risk. When she has a doctor appt, she straightens right up, acts competent, and her aide is right there with her. She comes back here and reverts back to bedridden drinking, smoking, filth, windows open, no self care or bathing, and laying with filth. What course of action can I take to get her the care she needs and to protect my own health and safety? I'm in my 50's. I can't live in waste and cold. I have 2 jobs and my own health problems, I can't be her caretaker at the level she needs.
"I am so sorry for wasting your time/energy/kind-heartedness.
I am not involved in her care. I am just a woman in her 50's that saw a post in the Caroline County Facebook group about a 70 year old woman who needed a room for rent. I felt bad for her not being able to afford a whole place of her own. My kind heart cleaned out a room for her to stay in after meeting the aide and based on her aide's description of her conditions and ability to care for herself. So I guess I am "no one" because I did rent her a room. She does need help. I tried. APS. Social Services. Two police departments. I'm done. I contacted a lawyer, typed up a notice of termination for the verbal month to month lease on the room, served it with a witness. Last day is the 31st. Effective 1 Feb, they will be elsewhere.
I came here looking for advice from other people who know about care of the elderly because I thought you would know who I could call or point me to resources. I thought maybe I wasn't the only person out here that rented a room to someone who needed much more than a room.
No, it is not my mother. If it were my mother, I would be taking care of her and NOT renting a room to her. She would be bathed, sober, teeth brushed, fed nutritious foods and beverages, hair combed, dressed, and living in sanitary conditions. She'd be cleaned as many times as it takes and her bedding changed as many times as it needed to be done. But I believe you knew this was not my mother when you made that comment, if you truly wasted any time reading anything I wrote.
Aging care. I was surprised at the attacking, name calling, and dismissiveness I experienced when I came here looking for help. But for the few that gave real suggestions, I am thankful and appreciative.
For the others, I don't get the impression that you ever wonder why there are fewer and fewer good people left in this world willing to help. Today, there is one less."
I too am sorry that your experience here was less than optimal. People are awful. Just look at Nextdoor.com... it only takes about 6 comments before it devolves into incivility. There are actual trolls, weirdos, marketers and scammers who post on this forum, so yes, some of us are suspicious and protective.
Thank you for the update -- so glad you were **finally** able to resolve it!
"The aides solution to the problem is #1 She is moving S out on Jan 3rd."
But then the update indicated she would be leaving later than that.
"Last day is the 31st. "
It is unfortunate that she was attacked. I've been attacked here before as well. Sadly, it is the nature of social media, combined on this site with people who have been SCREWED over by family relating to care giving or scammers.
It is so very hard to imagine that we have to be careful when dealing with seniors. I was raised to respect my elders and this gave me the idea that they were respectable, I still do but, with a CYA mind set, especially when I could get into a mess. So sad. Unfortunately, it's the world we live in and now we have to worry about little kids pulling weapons and trying to kill us. People are going to hell in a hand basket, quickly.
Please don't stop wanting to help, use this as a learning experience and always keep it in the back of your mind when you are looking at helping.
I think that your experience has taught us all some things. I know that I was completely dumbfounded that the situation happened as it did for you. I am afraid this is the new normal in the US. Not enough employees to do a good job and definitely not enough first responders to serve the community. Thank you for sharing.
ps: I am glad this wasn't a trolling expedition. It happens to frequently and I am afraid we are all a bit jaded because of it. I do apologize for you being questioned about your authenticity.
Kidney dialysis. My Mom lived from 80 to 89 with one kidney that worked half capacity and dialysis was never mentioned. I think you #s need to be at a certain point before dialysis is required.
IMO, a legit aide working for an agency or Medicaid is not put in charge of finding a place for their client. If on Medicaid, Social Services could help with this.
I would call APS again.
your last sentence in your original question says:
"I can't be her caretaker at the level she needs."
so you are somehow involved in S's care.
maybe you get paid.
no landlord writes, "I can't be her caretaker at the level she needs."
in any case, in my opinion, the story doesn't make sense.
and i feel S is in danger.
It doesn't matter if smoking weed is legal in your state. If you do not allow smoking in your house, then it's illegal in your house.
Tobacco has never been an illegal substance in any state. See what happens if you try to light up a cigarette on a plane or a hospital. You will get arrested.
Same applies to your property. Make sure the police know your house is smoke-free and your tenant does not abide the rule.
Then the next time your tenant lights something up in your house, throw a bucket of water in her face. Do the same with her aide.
If you really want to ensure the lesson is learned, add some ice cubes.
One of them will call the cops I'm sure. Assuming that you're not lying and your problems are not an exercise in trolling, the police will see the scene in your house. You most likely won't even get any charges. If you do they will be misdemeanor. It's worth it.
Please grow a set.
the story you give, makes no sense.
you're stealing our time/energy.
kind-hearted people on the website trying to give you advice -- but it's common sense advice we're all giving you. anyone would have thought of calling the police, APS, checking ID/passports before renting to someone.
no one just lets anyone rent their place.
anyone can be a criminal, murderer, etc., posing as a little, old lady with an "aide"/criminal. you know that, OP.
your story makes no sense.
----------------------there are important facts you're not telling us.
who knows, maybe S is your mother.
there is no reason for you to know so much about S's health conditions (kidney, etc.), unless you're actually supposed to be caring for S too.
---and now you're worried what trouble you might get into.
S needs helps. (if S exists)
i think S isn't able to call for help.
OP, call APS. call the police again.
and don't waste other people's time/energy/kind-heartedness.
you wrote:
"The aide lied to get an incontinent bedridden alcoholic a room. If the aid is controlling the situation, keeping her drunk/stoned, blocking her from getting 24/7 care, AND not providing care while taking her money"
again, if this is the case, call APS and the police again.
if S is being financially abused, or physically abused/neglected, it's a crime.
call the police.
the aide lied to you OP (S turned out to be bed-ridden, etc.) (you OP don't know what else the aide lied about)
and i also don't know which facts you wrote are real/not real.
Next OP refuses to get identification from aid or renter.
Next OP feels weirdly responsible for well being of complete stranger who is crapping all over the room she uscrenting and literally doesn't give a crap (literally) about this OP or ruining their house.
OP was given advice to call police and not give details which they ignored and claim police have done nothing.
Plus if this woman was as much of a disgusting unwashed person as they say when she met the potential renter shouldn't her apperance and smell been red flags?
100% made-up, 80% made-up, whatever.
OP is wasting our time/energy.
somehow OP is involved in S's situation, in a guilty way.
i actually believe S in innocent, needs help, can't call for help.
OP, please get help for S.
"While you can’t evict a squatter the same as a tenant, if they claim squatters’ rights they are claiming legal ownership over your land..." (and a squatter has to have been occupying and improving a property for 15 years in Virginia.)
Source: https://lawrina.com/us-law/federal/legal-guides/squatters-rights/virginia
"S" is a tenant, not a squatter, because the OP is also living at the property.
And:
"Lawful Reasons For Eviction
Whether dealing with a no-lease eviction or a standard eviction, there are a limited number of legal reasons that you can end a tenancy period early. Each of these reasons warrants you sending the tenant notice to move out or to fix the problem immediately. If they do not comply, you can move forward with an eviction case.
The following are legal reasons for ending a tenancy early:
Illicit drug use
Property damage
Breaking any contract terms or agreements
Nonpayment of rent
Skipping required utility payments
Unauthorized pets
Health & safety violations <<<<<<
Removing property from the rental market
Owner moving into the property"
Source: https://rentprep.com/evictions/can-you-evict-a-tenant-without-a-lease/#all-regulations-must-be-followed
If I were the OP I would further explore the "Health and Safety Violations" reason to evict.
Look. My family is about to be changed drastically because of social media behavior. I 100 percent see how this can happen.
But you also have to protect yourself. So by tomorrow, you deliver them a written document saying that as of 1/3 at 12:01 a.m., she and all possessions she cares to retain are out. Insist that they both accompany you to the bank or whatever notary service you use and sign it, so they'll know you mean business.
Tell them that it's this, or that your lawyer will be involved and so will APS if this does not happen, if the smoking does not stop, and that you expect the fecal to be dealt with by the aide, every day. Make it implicitly clear that the 3rd is absolutely a gift that you're doing, report that aide to FB mods and admins,
at the same time, i have a feeling this whole story is 100% or 80% fake.
in any case, big facts are missing.
what's really happening might be quite different from what OP is saying.
As for the open windows in the roommate's bedroom, common sense would tell a homeowner to close the vents in that room and keep that bedroom door shut at all times.
Also, how does the homeowner knows how her roommate acts at the doctor's appointments, unless she is there?
Sorry, just too many holes in this story.
On the windows: the door is closed, there's a draft blocker laying across the floor at the base of the door. I'm not closing the heat vent to a 70 year old's bedroom. Just because she neglects herself and her aide neglects her - does not make it ok for me to cause her harm.
I know 2 things of her doctors appointments: What her aide tells me after an in-person appointment. And what I can hear over a telehealth appointment in the next room.
I came here to ask who to contact and what can I do (legally). I could post pictures and videos, screenshots of messages, names, report numbers, etc. and I could just change the locks, toss them out and hope for the best but at what expense to myself legally?
Now if it is real you don't let someone move in you should have asked for their ID the aides ID so you know who the hell you moved into your house.
the story is fake.
shame on you OP, wasting our time/energy.
maybe parts of the story are true, or all fake. either way, OP is stealing our time.
Some random person allowed to move in with no background check, reference check or valid state issued ID's check and next thing you have an unsolved crime.
I can't imagine. I wouldn't even hire someone to work in a public place, with lots of people around without doing this, forget about sleeping in the same house.
Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Do you know what the aid picked the magical date of January 3rd? Because I will bet that's the amount of time that your state uses to establish permanent residency, at which point she will have SQUATTER'S RIGHTS. Which means you can't just throw her out, you will HAVE to evict; AND she can refuse to pay rent, etc. - do all of the things that will make her a MORE terrible tenant.
IF THERE IS NO LEASE SIGNED tell this CNA she has 24 hours to get this woman out of your home, or you're packing up her stuff and throwing it outside...because I guarantee, once she can establish residency, you will NEVER get rid of her! It sounds like they BOTH know how to game this system, don't fall for it! Act sooner, though, because your window of opportunity is quickly shutting.
however, i don’t think the aid is really a nurse.
and OP, writing:
“I have spent a fortune on odor absorbers, candles, odor blocking detergents, etc.”
nobody does that.
the story doesn’t make sense. no one would continue renting to someone with all those problems AND spend their own money on deodorants, etc.
they would simply ask S to leave; evict; call APS; do something.
I guess the best this can do once such a grave mistake is made is to let it serve as a lesson to others. In many areas of our country (my own San Francisco is notorious for it) a renter has many rights, and getting them out even when it is a room rental can be agonizingly awful.
If all else fails you are left with a tenant/landlord attorney to help you, one who practices in your area.
I'd start with keeping the remote control on my person. Cut her off from the TV. Call her ISP with help to change her WiFi password. And pictures pictures pictures. Probably best if they do know you're taking them, and so are your friends.
At the next opportunity that they depart, change the locks on the front door. Even in SF, possession is nine tenths of the law. I doubt the grifters are gonna sue where she's at, especially with all the pictures and documentation.
Is she still in charge and making decisions for herself? Or does she have a conservator/guardian who does? That is the person you need to communicate with if she does.
Did you at any time agree to help out with some of her caregiving needs and did you accept payment at any time for caregiving? If you did, that changes everything.
It's time for you to put in a call to APS and have a serious talk with them. Tell them she is an extremely vulnerable at-risk adult and it's an emergency. Tell them everything. That she spends her days laying in her on piss and sh*t, drinking alcohol, and smoking pot.
The next time she's burning one in your house, all the police. You don't have to tolerate that. If you've accepted payment to help with her caregiving, tell them that too. Don't leave anything out.
If she's drinking and getting high with her CNA, report the aide at once to the agency she works for, to APS, and to the police.
Then you will have to head to the courthouse and have her served with eviction papers.
I would ask you why you even allow smoking in your house to begin with? New rule, no smoking in the house. If she wants to smoke she must go outside. You can enforce this rule by throwing her cigarettes and weed down the toilet if she smokes in the house.
It certainly sounds like you're in a tough situation, but seriously you have to grow a set and get this woman and her aide out of your home.
Stop being nice and trying to reason with them. Call APS now. Call the cops the next time she tries to smoke weed in your house.
there is some reason however, that OP isn’t doing all the common sense advice you, and everyone, is giving.
there’s more to this story. maybe OP is involved in some guilty way, with all this.
or it’s all made up.
Sorry but, a drunk that has shat themselves is VERY different then a medical emergency. As you found out.
I would call APS, there are all kinds of waving red flags about this situation. If you are really concerned you will call daily to get the authorities involved.
Glad, I agree, I hope this isn't a trolling expedition.
I would call APS again and tell them what you said here.
There is key info missing from the OP's information, especially whether there is a written lease or agreement. That's why it is really sort of futile to give any further guidance -- way too many unknowns.
Or is someone trolling?
The aides solution to the problem is #1 She is moving S out on Jan 3rd. #2 Instead of just coming M-F, she is going to come 7 days a week, reducing the length of her stay with her. So S will only have care 3-4 hours a day and the other 20-21 hours per day she will drink, smoke, get high, and lay in her waste. It seems to me the aide is determined to keep control over S. I point blank told her "She needs 24/7 care. I don't know why you wouldn't want her to have that?" She will not tell me the agency she works for. She will not give me next of kin contacts. She will not give me any paperwork on this lady to know who her caseworkers are, anywhere. The aid claims that S makes too much money ($1200 a month) to qualify for medicaid, so insurance will not cover 24/7 care for her. She said insurance covers very little and that insurance is paying for her to come care for S but it isn't enough, so S also pays her out of her own pocket in addition to what the agency pays her. (insert huge red flag here!) The aid also said she eventually plans to move S in with her and her family. I'm beginning to believe the aid is intentionally keeping S intoxicated and completely dependent upon her without any other care for dubious reasons. Twice now S has told me excitedly that her aid was going to give her a shower today - only for the aid not to shower her, but instead, watch t.v. drink smoke and get high with her, then leave. This adds to my growing belief that the aid may be working with this woman for reasons other than caring for her. Another red flag was S said her last landlord was mean, so they took his TV with them. I can't help but wonder if the smell of waste was his complaint and because neither of them is interested in dealing with it, that made him "mean". Now I'm mean for saying laying drunk in waste and collecting the waste and saving it up for whenever the aid comes back is unacceptable. She moved in November 15th and has had 2 showers here. I'm assuming she had a shower at the aids house the day I reported it to APS and Social Services. Each shower was just prior to a doctors appointment. I tried to look up whether or not the aid was holding a current license in Virginia but was unable to find her on the list with any of her last names. I now have cameras in my living areas in case S gets out of the bed and falls while home alone but also to protect my belongings. I'm just mind blown.
Take pictures beforehand of her waste, her LI Ice Tea cans, her weed. Put all this plus whatever food she eats, poop ridden clothes in a demo bag. Next time the aide takes her out, have a locksmith ready. Change everything. Ignore them trying to get in. If they break something, call the cops.
Yeah you can, I would do exactly what I said and let them pursue me through the legal system. Who is going to take you to court when a situation like this was totally misrepresented, the woman is in danger of having her house burned down, it is being ruined with the human waste accumulation and she is being poisoned by the filth. Yep, take me to court but, you are out, legally or not.
Go to your states website and look up tenant rights. We had a situation that tenants thought they had rights and were going to show us. During the hearing we informed the Judge that we would comply but, every single tenant would be served via Fed-Ex with a 3 day eviction notice. He confirmed for the tenants that they would be obligated to get out within 3 days if they followed the course they had chosen. So there are options available for quick evictions, you or a real estate attorney can get an emergency hearing, even now, to get this danger out of your home. You are not stuck with this situation. You may have a fight on your hands but, you will prevail and you don't have to fight it with her endangering you in your home.
but something is stopping OP from evicting. i don’t know why.
i think there are more facts about this whole situation that we don’t know about.
i hope you’ll be ok, OP and also S.