Upstream Asked July 2015
What to do about negative attitudes?
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My parents live nearby but not under same roof. They are in their 70s, I am in my 40s. We have always had a great relationship. There may be some early stages of dementia with my father. Over the past 5 years they have spiraled into very negative thinking and behaving. I have slowly detached. Now I dread dealing with them on any level because the negativity is so bad that it can ruin an otherwise good day. I feel I can no longer be friends with them, they are just something in my life that I have to "deal" with. Note that they are otherwise physically and financially healthy. This is a pattern of living and thinking that they have developed and is becoming toxic. I am wondering about others' experiences with this type of situation.
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I don't have a lot of insight into the situation except to observe that their social contact is limited primarily to each other and you occasionally, so that's one aspect that could contribute to isolation and magnify the negativity. Being out with others generally can motivate people to be more cordial, although not always.
Sometimes the least likely issues are at play - I've read that social interaction can be lessened because of hearing difficulties, or incontinence problems. Folks become anxious and stay home to avoid not being able to participate in conversations, and/or having accidents while out.
Are there any events to which you can attribute this change, or were their personalities like this before the isolation and negativity intensified?
This is a toughie; I'm looking forward to other's responses.
And, BTW, i absolutely love your avatar. There are similar paintings in the trauma rooms at our favorite hospital and they so, completely, totally, absolutely soothing and calming.
My husband is a bit like that. if I mention anything negative in the news he will immediately find someone to blame and go into a tirade about how they should be thrown in jail fined etc.
I think I have finally convinced him that although I usually agree with his sentiments I choose not to discuss things that I can do nothing about and that just spewing negativity about something is very stressful and poisons the atmosphere. He has now finally realized it is not good for my health to be constantly subjected to this kind of stress and agreed to moderate his comments. Upstream your parents sound as though they have had a very unhappy life together and one can only feel sorry for them. I think you are right in limiting the time you spend with them and make sure you will not end up being a caregiver for either of them in the future. When either starts to complain just tell them you will not discuss the others problems and it is none of your business how they live their lives. If they persist repeat what you just said and leave the room or the house
If they are still pretty much on their own and making you nuts because of their behavior, yea, getaway from them. Most people post this type of story but are also up to their necks in caregiving duties and feel guilty for pulling away.
Also, if your father is developing dementia this can make a bad relationship worse. Neither of them are aware that dementia is affecting them. You might want to have him tested. Mom needs to understand the aspects of dementia so she can deal with him more effectively. Or would that be beyond her abilities?
If the relationship is reasonably good, though I think it's just courteous to explain why you're backing off, such as health reasons. But so much depends on (a) the relationship, and (b) the reason for detaching.
If I complain about anything he turns into a monologue about how that person should die, or this person should this and on and on and on. Some days I don't know how I am going to stand it another minute.
I'd be interested to hear how you deal with it and keep your sanity.
Do they have any hobbies? old friends? other interests which may reinvigorate them if reconnected? Are you sure they are as financially, mentally and physically fit and able as you believe them to be? Are there any community groups, social clubs or friendship groups you can introduce them to? Do they attend family functions? If so, would it be possible to find a reason to have a family occasion? Do they have any long lost friends,workmates etc. you can contact and invite along? You may have already tried these - just thinking as I go - we sometimes just don't know what is impacting our closest friends or family and at times we don't know what to do. Sometimes it is time that heals. Perhaps they are bitterly disappointed by something or someone? Perhaps "bumping into" an old friend, relative or associate can flick a switch and renew their vigor. It does appear that they are likely blind to the reality of their behaviour toward each other and you and whilst they are being negative in what they say to you and how they behave around you I can see that the positive side to that is they trust you - implicitly it seems. How else would they feel comfortable to share such burdens with you. You are right to let them know that you love them both and; as such, it is inappropriate for them to bad mouth each other to you - you are still their child, it makes for an unhealthy family dynamic and difficult moments. If you can help them see that they will surely not want to put you in such a difficult position. Did they enjoy holidays of a certain genre in the past? Would you be in a position to give them such a holiday as a surprise gift? What about digging up old photos etc. and having a get together where you ask them about the photos and what was happening when they were taken - it might help them to remember how they once enjoyed life or spark some happy memories which may help. As I'm no expert I would say you seem to be doing well with it all, stay strong, and if happy moments together don't do the trick perhaps an old-timers cruise would be good for them - it will hopefully either be their cup of tea now or perhaps be something of a mirror to their ways of late? Good luck. Keep living with; and being guided by, a loving heart and you will certainly do the best thing possible.
I think that avoiding them altogether isnt the solution. They are sick and need help. What is likely the best thing for YOU is develop a support network and attend group meetings.
I hope I did not offend. All the best, L
If you could get your mom alone and gently feel out her views of their life and how things are going, it might be worth the effort. Is retirement treating them like they thought it would? Are they happy? Do they have a bucket list that they'd like to fill?
At 64, I have come to believe there are two types of people as we age, those who basically give up and start acting like "old people" well before their time and those who try/want to stay mentally and physically young and hang around with others who share those views. I'm in the second camp and have close relatives falling (to some degree) into the first camp. My relatives are a married couple and one has no interest in physical activity or eating well. She strongly influences how the other person behaves, to his detriment. So I wonder if something similar is going on with your parents? If that's the case, it will only change if the "healthier" partner wants it to change. If they're happy/satisfied/resistant to change in their unhealthy lifestyle, there's not much you can do.
In that case I agree with distancing yourself and getting counseling so that you can learn how to set limits to keep your own mental health. People only change when they want to change and you can't make that decision for them. Please keep us posted on what happens.