Need some advise on how to handle 94-yr-old mother who wants to go home from assisted living.
Mother has mild dementia. She is 94 and recently my brother and I decided it was time for her to be in assisted living, as she was having weekly falls and in ER all the time. She has short term memory loss and was also mixing up her meds. Her laundry was in her basement and she would not allow us to set up a laundry room on her first floor. She even had huge black X's taped to her steps so she could see the.
Anyway long story short, she really just got to the point she cannot care for herself anymore and her living environment was very dirty and dangerous for her. She refused any home health care to come in. Her weight is now 97 lbs, because she won't eat. She did reluctantly, agree to go to AL, so we found a lovely AL and we moved her over about 3 weeks ago. Now she's terribly angry and wants to go back home.
Mom and I have never had a great relationship. She's been ,married several times and basically neglectful to me all my life and to our children as well. so it's very hard for me to have empathy for her. But I do love her and I want to her to be safe and comfortable. She's only getting meaner every year and I usually come Home from my visits with her in tears. I guess I am trying to make peace of the fact, she will never 'approve' of me ( another long story).
So my question is: How long before she settles in and how often should I visit her. I was going almost everyday at first, I now go over about once a week but every time is a battle with her. I try to just listen to her but she speaks so darn hateful,, it just hurts to be around her. Yesterday through. my brother called and said she was so angry he left after 20 minutes. I am at a loss to know what to do. All new territory for me. Any advise would be greatly appreciated and thank you in advance.
"I guess I am trying to make peace of the fact, she will never 'approve' of me...( another long story)".
Yes. True. And so very common. Really the most common reason that children raised and groomed to "serve without recompense or even thanks" continue to serve.
So, anyway, you have a good picture of the whole thing.
You have done the right thing for Mom's safety.
My real questions here are now re the legalities:
1) Has your mother been diagnosed and are you her POA?
2) Is mother competent enough to sign herself out of her living situation and return home on her own?
Those are the only real questions here. If she is competent to leave, she can do so.
If she does that, I would caution you NOT to enable it in any way.
If Mother says "I am leaving here and going back home" I would reply to her "If you do that it is the last time you will ever see me".
And I would STICK TO THAT.
If mother is no longer competent, and you are in charge of her placement, then you are stuck with listening to what most who have relationships with someone in LTC hear all the time, which is "I want to go home".
I would visit less often.
I would be honest to say "I love you and I want to visit with you, but this is where you live now, and where you must stay for your own safety. I want to visit, but not to listen over and over again your complaints about which nothing can be done. So when those complaints start I will pick up the purse and get on my way for the day".
Then do that.
It is very tough to hear and see, and as you say there is still some kernal of hope and belief in your soul that you can do something someday right enough to hear "You've been such a good girl". Won't happen. Our parents are who they are and they seldom change.
With her last breathes my mom struggled to say to me the old adage:
"I may not have been as good as I could have been, but I was as good as I could be".
In her confusion she got it all muddled, then shrugged and looked at me and said "Oh! YOU know what I mean". And I did. For all my life she had told me how much she loved me and what a good daughter I was. That was her. When mother's were passed out on the assembly line I got such a wonderful one, and I am eternally grateful.
Let me just tell you. You are a good daughter. And your mom loves you as well as she is able to with her limitations. You have done right by her.
I have a Medical POA on her which my attorney says I have the right to make the decisions for her medical as well as where she lives and her care, Her Dr. did say she has mild dementia, but I will further research this tomorrow if her Dr.s Office is open.
We took her car keys away a few months ago. She was not happy and still wants them but she will never get them back, even if something happens and she can go back to her ( not by my choice), I will see to that.
Thank you for you kind words and advise. EVERYONE who has responded, is so kind and helpful I was really amazed to see all the support. I feel like we have all know each other for years. I will let everyone know how tomorrow goes. Thanks again!
You KNOW that she’s now “safe and comfortable” and much more important, in a structured environment meeting those immediate needs.
Don’t “…try to just listen to her”. When the tirade starts, go to her, very quick hug, “Well Mom have to go. I’ll see you soon” AND LEAVE. Then, REPEAT EVERY VISIT.
Much better for you both. She MUST adjust to the new surroundings and if you attempt to placate her, convince her, reason with her, you will feel worse and she will not change.
Painful? Yes, but probably more so for you and your brother than for her.
The period of adjustment may well be longer than you’d expected (myLO took 6 months) but by that time she was describing g how much she liked her “hotel” and how glad she was to be there.
Did I wish there had been another way? I certainly did, but I was also very gratified that I’d stuck it out and waited for the adjustment to come.
Commit yourself to being loving and kind but firm. VERY firm.
Come back and let us know as things progress. You’re doing what’s right.
6 months, whew, I hope it does not take her that long but knowing how stubborn she is, I am betting it will take all of 6 months and more. She has a very negative outlook on everyone and everything as it is.
Thank you for the support and encouragement!
Also know that oftentimes they're doing FINE. Just laying it on THICK for US so we can feel guilty for "putting" them in such a nice place with great activities and amenities. Poor dears. We should all be so fortunate to be able to afford AL in our old age, huh? 🙄 Sorry but I don't buy into the poor poor pitiful old me stories some of these elders go on about. My uncle was 102 and lived in AL, was cordial and lovely to everyone he met ALL the time, never ugly and selfish or a burden or sorry for himself but grateful to God for his long life. Yet we have other elders so sorry for themselves over life in AL they cause misery for everyone.
Go visit when mother chooses to act like a civilized human and not when she doesn't. Some adjust well to AL and some choose not to. Where your mother falls on the spectrum remains to be seen. She may need a higher level of care in Memory Care Assisted Living if her dementia is advanced. Then her angst and complaining should reach all new heights as it did with my mother. But I gave her no choice to go "home" because she, in her 90s, was incapable of going anywhere.
Stick to your guns.
She has never been exceptionally nice and had very few friends all her life. She created so much drama when I was little and continues to. And you hit the nail on the head...shes even worse as her dementia gets worse,
You guys are great, thank you for your support and advise!
I would limit visits to once a week or every other week . Your brother was correct to leave when the visit got bad.
Do not talk on the phone every day either . You can let calls go to voicemail .
Your mother does not understand that this is where she needs to be .
Here are some things you can say when she says she wants to go home .
“ It’s not possible “
” You need to be where there are nurses “
“ The doctor says you need to be here” .
When a conversation is going bad , “ I’m sorry you feel that way , I have to go now for an appt “ leave or hang up .
White ( therapeutic ( lies to extinguish the hostility .
It took my mother 6 months to adjust. Although she still wasn’t happy . Some never are . She even called 911 to say I was abusing her . The police came to her assisted living facility ( I hadn’t been there at all that day ) . She told them I was stealing her house and her money .
Don’t enable her to get home .
It’s what she needs . It’s not about what she wants . You are doing a great job .
Mom has told me the same thing, regarding her money and her house. She wants me to take her home to get a few things she needs but I told my brother I think its a bad idea because I doubt she would let us take her back to the Assisted Living facility.
Im am learning so much from all of you, thanks you again! Great Advise
Plus....actually living until 94 is incredible already. She's mad because she knows she will be gone soon. Being so hateful to you will destroy your last memories of being around her. Not your fault she got old and sick, we all will someday.
Good advice from others to cut back your communication, visiting so long just triggers her to lash out, reminds her she is not in her house anymore. She builds more resentment. She has to adjust. She is safe, clean and fed.
Great advice from others here. Don't tolerate the verbal abuse. Don't do long goodbyes. She needs to know she is being hurtful and damaging to her kids, who have gone out of their way to help her and keep her safe. Make a quick exit, don't turn and look back. I'd keep visits short, no more than 1x a week, or every 10 days. Cut back the calls too. When she gets mean and mad, cut her off quick. She will learn being nasty gets her nothing. I know it hurts, you do so much for someone and they seem to spit on you! We all understand.
In her younger days (1930-50s), "nursing homes" were seen as prisons (or mental hospitals). Things have changed in the 20th century. Now they have AL, MC and SNF levels of care. Assisted Living is not lock down! She gets a private room, various services (if she needs them), and doesn't have to cook & clean. I'm sure you wouldn't mind being pampered, have a cook, dish washer and housekeeper! That sounds terrible, right? When she was at her home, she was struggling and not safe. Did she have her sheets changed often, someone checking on her? Seriously...what is so awful?
All these elders will eventually like their newfound freedom, a nice change from struggling to survive! Nobody orders them around, do they? They get help, chores done, and someone always close by that doesn't pester them! That is the reality, despite the constant elder whining and complaining they all tend to do. The reality is they are mad at getting old and facing the end of their lives.
If you didn't care, she'd end up having a tragic accident in her unkempt home. Your love, concern and generosity has been PROVEN. We all know this. What if you made excuses, or neglected her? Or were selfish and did nothing to help her or keep her safe? What if you were always busy shopping, socializing or traveling?
Don't feel guilty you did the right thing. Feel proud instead.
The Assisted Living place is flat out beautiful....so clean. The staff is so kind. My husband said He would even choose to go there if ever needed and I feel exactly the same. We have even discussed putting this ion writing and adding it to our will.
I am trying not to feel guilty, I know this is the best for her and a load off our minds with her constant falls and all. I truly have nothing to feel guilty about and deep down I know it's more a sadness that we were never close and it will never happen....it's really like a death to me already.
I am feeling very blessed to have found this site and all of you. Thank you again for your support
See my posts and the answers to it, which are on this topic:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/not-sure-whether-to-give-in-to-my-dads-wish-to-leave-assisted-living-and-live-at-his-home-484596.htm
and
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/trying-hard-to-get-out-of-al-484785.htm?orderby=recent�
I did give him 2 potential choices only: 1) move to a bigger, 1 BR unit in the current AL (versus his current studio, or "1 room prison" as he calls it), or 2) could move to one of the even fancier AL's that we visited, which cost more, but are nicer and thats fine with me. The current AL is perfectly fine, a nice place. THey have all the usual amenities, activities, hair dresser on site etc. He has elected choice 1, which is fine with me and I'm glad to do some little things to make his new room very nice. He chose against option 2. That's reasonable and good, as a change of facility would be quite a transition and stressor, and may not solve his complaints anyway.
But thats all we are doing..... we can make the AL just a bit nicer together, but AL it is!
It has to be a balance between what is good for the elder but also good for you.
I met a lovely son who traveled 1.5 hours each way to visit his Mother weekly. At first he wore himself out visiting more, so much time out of his life + he coped all that emotional storm you spoke of... Get me out of here, you stole my house, I want to go home etc.
Even when you know (like this man did) that old age & stroke caused the NH admission, that his Mother absolutely could not live alone (now hemiplegic). He didn't cause it. He could not fix it. He found a good a place he he could for his Mother but said he still went home with a heavy heart.
You cannot pour from an empty vessle. Someone wrote that on a thread this week. A good saying.
Kind thoughts to you today.
(I am still at the falls & ER stage)