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Mom has been living with me for over 33 yrs. In her late 70' s she has developed liver disease and vascular dementia. Her dementia has def gotten bad over the yrs. She has gotten very mean with my daughter and with me. I've kept dealing with it until she fell and fractured her hip. I took her to the ER and they admitted her for one week. Then the Dr recommended rehab for a few weeks. The rehab has def helped her and she is up and walking with a walker although she still is wobbly., but her dementia seems even worse now. All she does is call me all day long not knowing where she is and when she can come home. Dr says she is better in the home and needs skilled nursing. My sister says she's not that bad and expects me to take care of her everyday. I have no help with my mom and the burden is getting so heavy on me and my family. Is it wrong for me to keep her in a nursing home and not bring her back to live with me? I feel so guilty and it's the worst situation I've ever been in. I love her so much but almost feel relieved that she isn't home. I know that sounds bad. Any advice will truly help me.

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You’re experiencing what many of us have found out, that is how a medical change and hospitalization can change so much with our elders. Between the hip fracture, hospital time, and now rehab time, your mother now has a new, lower level of function. This is no one’s fault, most especially not yours. It’s simply what happens in the aging process. The doctor is wisely advising you, mom needs more care now than can reasonably be done in a home setting by one person. It’s easy for your sister to say it’s not bad, she’s not the one doing the hard work. Imagine your mother in a safe setting, where she’s not at risk of wandering and has a team of professional caregivers who rotate around the clock. Imagine you going from exhausted caregiver to her advocate and cheerleader in her new setting. You don’t sound bad, you sound tired, and human.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Shelly69 Jun 18, 2024
Wow..thank you for all the advice. It has made me really think and help me deal with all of this. Thank you for being my cheerleader.
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Let her stay in the NH . Everyone Has their Limits and you are done . If Your sister wants to take care of her let her But I doubt that will Happen . Take care of yourself and your health .
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Reply to KNance72
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Your Mom has lived with you since she was in her 50s. This is unusual. I can understand, after that long length of time that she is very important in your life. She has not been out of it really for any appreciable amount of time.

As to her worsening condition now.
You didn't cause this.
You cannot fix this.
To me it is very wrong to sacrifice your own life upon the burning funeral pyre of a parent. It is a waste of your life. Your Mother has HAD her life, and 33 years of yours.

If you STILL cannot face placing your mother in good care then I feel you should seek therapy for yourself. There would be little we could do to change your basic thinking and you require professional help and guidance to help you change your habitual thinking patterns.

I wish you the best.
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Shelly69 Jun 18, 2024
Thank you dear friend, I know I sound crazy. It's just she's been such a big part of my life. I know your right. I feel mom's in a good safe place but it's just hard not to feel guilty when she calls me thirty times a day begging to come home. Thank you for your advice.
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No it doesn't sound bad that you want to keep your mom where she now needs to be. It sounds smart.
And if sister doesn't want her to stay there then you tell her that she will now have to take her into her home as you have paid more than your dues with having your mom living with you for over 33 years. To be honest, I don't know how you lasted that long. You obviously are a much bigger and better person than I am.
Listen to the doctor and keep her in the nursing facility. And when mom asks when she can come home, you continue to say that whenever the doctor says she can, which of course will never happen.
Your mom will only continue to get worse with her dementia and she is now somewhere that is better equipped to give her the care she requires.
So instead of feeling "guilty"(it's grief by the way not guilt)be grateful that she is now safe and being taken care of right where she's at, and that you can get back to just being her loving daughter and advocate instead of her burned out caregiver.
PLEASE do not under any circumstances bring her back home.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Shelly69 Jun 18, 2024
Thank you for the wonderful advice. I just want to make sure I'm doing right by her.
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Do keep her in the NH. If she is already being nasty and you’re that stressed, you and your daughter need the escape care provides. You can visit often to ease your conscience, but get away when it’s too much.

Or she can live live with your sister since she’s so certain Mom’s care is no big deal.

Honestly, the nerve of siblings and extended family who’ve never had to provide care.
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Shelly69 Jun 18, 2024
Thank you for the advice..yeah there's no way my sister could handle her and work. She just put the guilt trip on me. Saying my mom will die in that home. I told her that we all die. She just tries to make me feel guilty and she's very good at it
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You are fortunate in that the doctor actually says Mom should stay where she is . Listen and leave Mom where she is.

So often elderly are sent home from rehab and families struggle caring for them and have to wait until they end up in the hospital again sometimes multiple times before being able to place in the appropriate level of care .

As far as your sister …..She has no say . She can either take Mom home with her or shut up .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Here’s my very own broken record for ya:

Anyone who is not hands on in the caregiving gets zero votes. 🙁
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 18, 2024
I love your broken record. Keep saying it! There will always be someone that needs to hear it.
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Reminds me of a funny story of a lady very similar to your mom in the facility

She mentioned about going home almost every day. One day when the state was there doing an inspection, the now ex administrator said good morning to this lady.

The lady "blasted" her with words, good Lol. It was good for the lady since the administration only came around the residents so they could put on a show for the state inspectors.
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Reply to cover9339
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You have gone above and beyond for your mom.

You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. None, zip, zilch, nada!

If anyone has any reason to feel guilty, it is your sister for telling you to continue to take care of your mom.

Your mom does need help. She will receive help in the nursing home. You can oversee her care by being her advocate.

Either ignore your sister or tell her that you have done more than you share. Tell her that you are going to follow the recommendations of her doctor.

Your sister can go visit her every single day if she wants to.

Enjoy your time off. Lord knows that you have earned it!
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Shelly69 Jun 20, 2024
Thank you for your advice. I am doing just as the Dr is advising. I sure wish my sister would be on the same page with me but she seems to be in denial. Things would be a bit easier if everyone was pulling together for the benefit of our mother..but I guess life just doesn't always go that way. Thank you so much for your help.
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Dont you just love it when someone volunteers others expecting nothing.? When discharge is pending, let the social worker know that you cannot continue with all that new behaviors. You should get assistance with getting her into LTC and file for Medicaid. You can let sissy know that you wish to volunteer her to take mom in
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Reply to MACinCT
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Shelly, placing a parent in to care is the hardest thing I have ever done. What you are feeling is a great loss, then you get your sister laying guilt and mom calling 30x a day making you feel bad, UGH!

I recommend that you put a block on calls from your mom, the doctor says she needs care beyond you and that's that. You getting 30 calls doesn't change that but, it stresses you out more. Choose a time or times that you will take moms call(s) and create a pat saying for her, such as, mom, you can come home when the doctor says it's safe and okay, then move on in the conversation or hang up, whichever works for you. If you are visiting and she starts, same thing. You both have to learn the new reality and it is lots of hard change. You both will be okay during the hard process.

As for your sister, you need to tell her straight out, it doesn't matter what she wants or thinks, you can NOT continue to safely care for mom and you are not going to be guilted for something that is out of your hands. If she doesn't like it, she can take mom to her house and forsake her entire life, job included to prop up this situation that now requires a village.

You matter too, don't let anyone push you into bringing your mom home if you are at your end with it. You do not want to be a statistic and die or have a major medical issue from the stress of caring for your mom, it's a real thing and I have personally witnessed the caregiver needing care themselves because they couldn't/wouldn't/didn't say enough, I can't do this anymore.

You will still be there for your mom and you will advocate for her, you will be able to do enrichment activities with her and you will be able to be her daughter again. Care placement does NOT mean you are throwing her away, just changing how she gets care. And change is hard, as you are seeing.

Stay strong and advocate for yourself in this difficult situation. You can do it!

Great big warm hug!
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Shelly69 Jun 20, 2024
Thank you so much for your wonderful advice. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done. Your right, change is difficult for both of us. I've been trying to get her involved in activities at the home but she would rather stay isolated and hide. I hate she is so scared and lost. I go see her every other day and her anxiety is so bad and she just doesn't understand why she can't come home. She was very mean yesterday. I sure wish the Lord above would've gave us some kind of manual on how to deal with this kind of situation. Thank you for your kind words as I will continue to do my best for mom and for me.
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A nursing facility is where your mom will get professional care. You (probably) are not a professional. You will be doing the best for mom by leaving her there.

Tell your sister this once. Refuse to discuss it further. This will take a lot of will power on your part, but you can do it.

I've learned that when I keep discussing matters with a hardheaded (family) person who refuses to back down because they want their own way, the last thing I should do is say anything about anything. If I do, that gives them a hook to hang me on. I remain pleasant, smiling, and go on about my business. Works for me!
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Shelly69 Jun 20, 2024
Thank you for your advice. I will take it to heart and try it! Never dreamed in a million years I'd be facing this with mom .
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I have learned to understand what " I want to go home"means when my mom says it now. Not a place but the emotion of going home to safe place where she was not ill. If I ask her where home is, she does not know. My sister was resistant for awhile because she did not visit mom as I did. I even gave her a book on dementia. She took mom in for 8 months.and finally got it. Best of luck.
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Take the phone away!! Best thing I did. 😀
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