My father was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis when he was 12 years old. It's been very aggressive and I remember taking care of him (along side my mother and older sister) since I was old enough to do so, about early elementary school age. It's gotten worse over the years of course, he is able to do less and less for himself. He has always been someone with anger issues and a LOT of pride. Extremely emotionally abusive and manipulative, insulting and bitter. He has never been able to work (not that my family has ever been upset with him over it, but he beats himself up over it a lot)
In 2017 his mother died, and it hit him very hard. He has always dealt with depression and feelings of low self worth, but refuses any kind of medication or care. He has become an alcoholic. There are nights where he gets drunk and threatens to kill himself, punches walls and throws things until we have to call the police to either talk him down, or take him to the hospital. No solutions ever arise. My mother tries very hard, I'm very close to her. She works two jobs, and she doesn't like the situation either, but she enables him. He can't get the alcohol himself, she provides it. She feels it's unfair to police what he does since he can't do anything for himself. It's causing the two of us to argue a lot. I want nothing to do with alcohol.
I'm 22 and my older sister has moved out, but I have not. I'm struggling with feeling very alone now, as we could really only confide in each other. I've put a lot of life progress on hold because of the obligation (and guilt) I feel to stay home and care for him, and not wanting to leave my mother to deal with him on her own. He's awful, none of us want him in our life anymore, but he has no family who would take him in, he is entirely unable to do anything for himself, and we cannot afford any sort of care facility. We know if we left him hed be helpless, or possibly harm himself. We are stuck. I face his verbal abuse daily, and do not have the choice of walking away, because he can't get out of bed, get dressed, go to the bathroom, or get food on his own. I'm dealing with severe depression along with other mental issues I'm seeking help for, but I can't make much progress with this constant stress and pain. I'm worried my mom is silently suffering as well. Leaving is not a choice. Please help
Next time it gets to having to call 911 for ER, tell the social worker he is an unsafe discharge, and like Alva said, ignore any wheedling from them of "help" as it's just a tactic to get you to take him on again so they no longer have to care. They'll find him a place to rehab in from all these issues; it won't be as pleasant as yours, but the message will at least start to be sent that when he acts feral, this is what he can expect to happen.
Or you can just leave him there. Assuming they're still married, Mom will still get to stay in her house, have a car, and half of his SS/retirement to live on.
Check out Hospice. You will get a Nurse checking in 2 or 3x a week and aide to bathe him 2 or 3x a week. You will get Depends and his prescriptions. There are other things too.
There is Medicaid for a facility or in home care. Not sure how it will work for a couple other than Mom becomes the Community Spouse. Assets will be looked at and split. Mom would need to talk to a Medicaid caseworker.
its really all up to my mom to bite the bullet and file for separation and find a way to kick him out that wont end with us feeling guilty and horrible for wherever he ends up, which is hard to do when he doesnt want to help himself at all. sigh
You are grown up now. Quite honestly, leaving is the only choice. I recognize that your Dad may be severely depressed, but I have a stepdaughter who has dealt with severe rheumatoid arthritis for her lifetime, and she is a wonderful Mom, a great teacher, and a joy to be around.
Your Father needs help. You need help, also. You are not obligated to sacrifice your life to a parent, no matter what his or her condition. Guilt is inappropriate. The appropriate G word is grief. You are grieving that your Father is unhappy and ill, and that you aren't God, and can't fix it.
I hope you will seek psychological counseling. Often we get ourselves stuck due to habit, even when we are stuck in the mud. It is hard to change, and takes great courage and determination. Your Mom will likely continue to work several jobs, thereby avoiding your Father. And your Father may in the end be forced to avail himself of counseling and diagnosis to find some medication and outlets to help him deal with his condition.
Certainly do wish you the best. The choice is yours. If you decide that "leaving is not an option" then you will be stuck for the duration and that may be many decades. I know that you recognize that you deserve to have a life of your own to live.
Good luck. Remember, you are not responsible for the decisions of your parents. You are only responsible for yourself, and your own life. Not everything can be fixed. Sad but true. Please take care of yourself.
Your stepdaughter sounds lovely btw, I do want to clarify I am not trying to villainize my father for his disability or who he may be because of it. Without it I fully believe he would be just as hateful and mean-spirited, if not more so.
I want him to get the help he needs, but he has lived his life with us thinking there are no consequences, and that we will never leave him no matter how badly he treats us because he needs us. We just need a way to guarantee his safety and well-being while getting him away from us, and then maybe the choice of leaving home or not wouldn't be so hard to make, and my mom could live comfortably.
Please check out Al-Anon. You may be able to attend meetings online. Learning all about RA and Alcoholism is a proactive thing you can do to the benefit of your entire family. Your mom could/should attend with you but don’t let her not attending keep you from it.
I know it is very painful to live with someone you love and watch them destroy the entire family. There is no good end to this set up. The longer you wait the harder it will be to salvage any of your lives. Your mom is enabling your dad and you are enabling them both. I know that is not either of your choices or intentions.
You put yourself in a narrow little box of what can’t happen. How about considering that something good could happen?
What about you? Do you work? Go out with friends? Go to school? Are you his full time care giver?
What services have you looked into? The home health is not just for him. It is helpful for you and mom. What they do keeps you from having to do for him those items. Hospice is for people who have diseases where there is no cure. You will know if he qualifies by allowing them to come give an evaluation. They help with supplies, a weekly nurse and personal care. You have a right to your own life.
My mom is actually a nurse, and was a home health aid for some time. Shes suggested it many times, but he refuses. He says its too embarrassing, and gets very angry and defensive at the idea, and will accuse us of hating him and calls himself a burden on our behalf if we bring it up. He would never willingly go to a care facility. He's been hospitalized for drunken suicidal threats and refused all after care.
He doesnt give us many options for what we could do, we are at the end of our rope, but we can't just kick him out without ensuring his safety and well-being. All he wants is to stay home, treat us as his servants while verbally attacking us, and drinking himself to death.