My mother has been slandering me since I went to help her downsize a few years ago. Although I succeeded in selling her home (at her request, though she denies that now), finding her a beautiful condo large enough for all the things she wanted to take and spending two years (instead of the two months she'd told me) helping her across the country, putting my belongings in storage on an opposite coast and getting zero help from her darlings, my 3 other siblings. After she was all settled in her new beautiful home, I left a broken suicidal shell of myself with nowhere to go and my stuff still to this day in storage many states away. Because I wouldn't abandon any chance of a life for myself and abandon my belongings to stay to be her unpaid slave and driver, she's gone on the war path against me.
Since I went to help her through now she tells anyone who will listen that she "gave" me all her money. Reality: she put maybe a 1/4 of her wealth in an irrevocable trust benefitting all four children and their children. I am the trustee and have never touched a dime of the money as it only goes to us on her death. The rest of the family believes her (she's a stellar actress and I've always been the family scapegoat) so I am completely estranged from them. I have no one as I spent my life catering to my needy mother though I wanted a family of my own. I also have very limited finances and am worried tremendously about my future alone as an old person (I'm about to be 64, she's 93 - I have some health issues, she's never had any) with no one to help me and not even a place to live now.
As she does every few months, today she sent another email saying she wants me to "give her back" the irrevocable trust money that "I got". I tell her the trust says I can't (it does). Well in today's email she didn't say that phrase, she only said "Would you be willing if we could make it different" with Irrev Trust in the subject line of the email. I emailed back asking what she meant but she only answered "so you won't." I emailed "I won't what"? She'll never answer. This is how it happens every few months.
Sorry for the long-winded background. I'm trying hard not to get suicidal again - knowing I spent decades putting her first before establishing a life for myself. I'm worried that my greedy siblings are behind this time (she's at their homes now - they all live within miles of each other in D.C.). They're wealthy and I'm worried they'll sue me based on my mother's lies. They manipulate her easily and she plays into it. They know the truth about the trust.
Yes, I could give up my share of the trust to be free of all this. But I will need the money especially if one of my health problems returns in full force. My mother spent decades promising me she would always be there for me as I was for her, but she never was.
So my question (?? I don't even know what to ask), what can I do to protect myself? I thought about talking to a lawyer (my mother and I are in different states now) but I found that I'm very bad at explaining the situation to strangers, with them just seeing me as worried about the money. It's sometimes hard for people who've never been truly alone and without a home to understand real need. I am worried about the money, but the suicidal pain is from the abuse my mother heaps on me and the alienation from anyone in the world I had and the years I spent doing for her trying to get her love or caring unsuccessfully at the cost of establishing my own life. My main fear is my siblings going after any money I would get. I can't take the pain of a lawsuit by myself. I didn't know where to put this question. I wish there was a category here for narcissistic abuse.
The EC attorney can walk you through the financial situation your mother is trying to manipulate you about, no worries.
The psychiatrist or psychologist can walk you through the emotional manipulation and FOG (Fear Obligation & Guilt) your mother is putting you through and help you develop some coping mechanisms to deal with her.
Take a look at this link about Passive/Aggressive Covert Narcissists & how to recognize them:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3
Debbie Mirza has some great podcasts on the subject & has also published books which you may find useful. Google the Grey Rock technique (which she also talks about in the link I gave you) which is a great way to deal with your mother by basically ignoring her & cutting off the 'supply' she needs to keep her going.
You're not alone with having a crazy mother like this, either. I have a narcissistic mother myself who just called me carrying on about some nonsense & then hung up on me b/c she considers me The Bad Guy, as usual, in spite of me managing her entire LIFE for her the past 10 years after moving her close to me. Same sh*t different day, so I feel your pain.
Try to relax tonight & take your mind OFF of the BS your mother is peddling, ok? These women are looking for a REACTION from us and the worst thing we can do (in their eyes) is NOT give them any reaction at all. Turn off your computer and watch some mindless TV and have a glass of wine.
Wishing you the best of luck finding the help you need to disassociate yourself from the toxicity your mother is bringing into your life. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
The sadness of losing these relationships hurts but i decided to get therapy. You should consider it too. Its the only way we can fully begin to understand what has happened. Never give up on yourself! Keep going and get help despite all the ugliness.
I've been trying to find a therapist for 2 years now. Most don't even bother to return my calls to see if they are taking new patients. The few that do aren't taking anyone new. I only found one therapist last year, but she kept saying "Oh a mother would never do that" to the most painful experiences of my childhood and now. I had to stop going as I was tired of trying to convince her and only feeling worse when I left. She kept saying "I'm a mother and I would never ...." Well, as you and I and others here know - mothers surely can and do bad things to their children.
Sending you strength and hoping you have better days ahead.
Don’t worry about the money. They sue, let them have it, but I doubt they will. Just walk, go back to your life. You’ve given your pound of flesh and then some.
It’s time for your to take control of your life, not throw it away. Know that you have value.
Caregiving is a long difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site.
However, there are limits to what untrained members on our site can provide for you.
Please reach out to experts for additional support and the help you need 24 hours a day at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
Call 1-800-273-8255