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I would love to hear from those of you who grew up with a narcissistic father. My father was far worse than my mother. He was verbally abusive and emotionally absent. They enabled each other at my and my brother's expense.

I have read many books dealing with narcissistic mothers but none about the effects of having a narcissistic father. Both my brother and mother agree with me that dad was verbally abusive and narcissistic. But I am not allowed to talk about it now that he has died. Sound familiar?

I am in the process of dealing with my narcissistic family. I have made great progress. But I know there will be life long wounds. I have to deal with them everytime I deal with NM and golden Child brother. I just am learning everyday how to get over this. But it is a work in progress.

Let's hear from you all!

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Madge; I would find myself a therapist. Doesn't really matter in the end what their training is, social worker, psychologist, psychiatrist or licenced mental health counselor. the important thing is to find someone you trust and feel comfortable talking to. This is not a journey you should take on your own, even with the help of books and friends. My best to you.
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I had two narcissistic parents although others have stated they lean more toward being sociopaths. It's not easy and I've decided to have nothing to do with them. However, they decided to "steal" or "buy" my adult sons and one of them has caved in and decided to start a huge fight over nothing with our family and go to the so-called dark side where he will be financially rewarded. I think that no matter how hard we try to get over such parents by being good parents ourselves, it's a legacy of pain that crosses over many generations.
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My initial response: BLLLEEEEHHHHHHYYYYIIIIKKKKEESSSSAAARRRGGGGGG!!!!!!!!
(That would be = YES!)

It's my mother, though. My dad is much more balanced, but my mother definitely would fall into the narcissistic category. They are both still alive and I am the medical POA so it will be interesting to see how this progresses.

For me, it was definitely counseling but more so the 12 step programs I attended that really helped (Alanon and ACOA) me learn how to stay sane in a not so sane environment. Just reaching out and asking the questions is really the beginning of the healing. I would encourage you to keep sharing and keep seeking support. I think it's pretty impossible to get through this on your own.

Hang in there and keep reaching out!!
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You are probably 100% correct. I disassociated with mom and brother a few months back, I was extremely happy,only to be drawn back into their world when mom had a non serious health issue. It is a struggle to call mom once a week. A therapist would more than likely tell me to distance myself and I have already done that. The damage is something I have to work through and probably never will get completely over. Maybe a professional would have some answers. Thanks for your input.
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every time i think i have figured out the pathologies of my parents (or others), i realize that we are all on a journey here and that we are all trying to do the best we can. so much of these personality disorders or mental illnesses manifest themselves in reactions to others because our loved ones did not know or do not know any other way to react. my dad would scream at my mother in frustration while we were growing up because he, as an action-oriented, do-it-now, organized, efficient person couldn't deal with her lack of focus and do-what-i-want-when-i-want-and-don't-tell-me-what-to-do personality. it doesn't make his reaction right or justified. they just didn't know any better how to deal with each other. did their pathologies have an effect on me and my sisters? yes, indeed. did i often wonder why my mother stayed with my dad? i sure did. did i one day wonder why my dad ever married my mother? i have. yet they still loved each other and supported each other in ways i'll never understand. and i've come round and round in circles through anger and sadness and joy and happiness knowing they met and married and had us children and shared 50 years of marriage together before my dad died this past year. now my mother, in her dementia, only remembers how much she loved him and how proud she was of him in his career and of the parts of his personality that she fell in love with. i'm sure this answer isn't very helpful. i agree that counseling could help you. cultivating compassion can go a long way in helping too. it's all a journey and we take many different roads along the way.
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Maria, I think that's a super helpful answer. It gives hope and possibilities. I, too, am on the "other side" of the journey, or at least past the previously most difficult part. I'm sure that there will be many challenges ahead, but I feel confident that I will be able to handle whatever comes my way. Sure, it will be tough, but I have a lot of tools in my toolbox and I know where I can get more tools if those ones don't do the job.

Keep moving forward!!
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HA!! I am always saying how much my mother is narcissistic. My father even subtly warned me before he passed away what a job I am going to have with my mother----------it's all about her! I wonder if they don't get worse as they get older though, when we were all younger my mother wasn't so bad or she hid it well---but at 89 yo she can top the list! It's a challenge all right.
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I had both, who saw their three kids as a "burden" and always let us know it. My brother committed suicide, my sister is a total whack job and I deal with my own rage every day of my life. Now I care for my mother who has Alzheimer's, so my "past" is there staring at me every single day. I don't know why I care for her. I've asked myself that question many times.
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Yes. What has helped me greatly is to set boundaries. You cannot control her behavior, but you CAN set some boundaries, which will make you feel much better. I believe my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder, so I basically think of her as a giant infant, who is only concerned with her needs. This has actually helped me a great deal. I also have decided to take the same approach towards her that I have for the people I work with. I will point her in the right direction and give her information, but I will NOT do things for her. Going about things that way has helped tremendously. My best to you.
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Madge, set rules now!!!! My mother is narcissistic and a hypochondriac. I have been abused my entire life and it is still going on. She is 90 years old and I'm 66.....her only caregiver. She is mean and no one will have anything to do with her. They hate her at the hospital. My dad was a sweetheart who was bedridden for 9 years and she was horrible to him. People who are diagnosed with narcissism can't be helped.
I beg you to set your rules with her now or you will end up old and her only caregiver. I've had nursing homes tell me they can't make a person like that stay. If they tell them they are leaving the nursing home can't stop them. She won't even allow home health. Because I gave in my whole life it just became a way of life. DON'T allow her to get that power over you. If you do you will never get away. You tell her things will be YOUR way or you will leave. When my daughter married and left home I was totally alone. I now have 2 grandsons and NEVER do any of these things to her. Someone like our mothers will grasp on and NEVER let go. I don't know your age but you should pull away now before its too late!!! Praying for you.
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What has helped me is using 12 step programs because I realized that trying to get "someone else to change" was my issue and want ... not my mothers want to do at all- she's quite content having her world be all about her.
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My father was physically and emotionally abusive to myself as his son. His explanation for his physical abuse- that's the way things were in the 60's and 70's...dismissive. Even as I matured and became an adult he would say mean things like; you do not even know what love is, you do not want to work hard or you would have accomplished more, your grades are not good enough, well since you have decided never to get married nor have kids (not true) and the last time I spoke to him he told me I had not accumulated any significant net worth. That was it. I told him there is one person in charge of my life and that is ME! I told him we have different values. I refuse to deal with the critical/judgmental attitude. He (an atheist) wants to pick fights so I have to defend my religious faith. His wife/my stepmother said that their friends must think I am gay since I am in my 40's and still single-how ridiculous! No one can tell my father anything-therefore he was warned to watch his diet and exercise when diagnosed with Pre-Diabetes- which he of course ignored and is not diabetic type 2. He blames his genes and told me it is only a matter of time until I get it also-even though my BMI and insulin resistance is much different than his! There have been nice memories just are not worth the deep occasional jabs! It is also difficult to watch him treat/push his 3rd set of kids with the same unrealistic educational, financial and achievement expectations when all he does is sit on his bottom in his home on the Gulf!.
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After reading all of these stories I am amazed that our society functions as well as it does in spite of all the awful things that people do. So much hurt. So much disappointment. So much anger. My daughter is a diagnosed borderline with narcissism. I witness what you have gone through every day. I can only be supportive of my son-in-law and grandsons as they deal with their mom. They all love her dearly. But for her the world is black and white. She is accepted or abandoned. She loves or hates. She has no middle emotional ground to guide her through life or protect her. She has no emotional skin. She is as raw as a burn victim. And she is compulsive and volitile.She has no personality of her own only what she acquires from her perception of how others see her. Since her perceptions of reality are distorted her sense of self is too. There are no anchors in her emotional soul. Yes...Our pain is great but hers far greater. We learn all we can about how best to deal with her. She has the same value, dignity and purpose as anyone else simple because she 'is'. It is a balancing act to validate that in her without destroying it in ourselves But reacting out of emotion to someone who has none is nonproductive. Responding out of thinking is the key. Blaming and hating someone for an invisible handicap is as counterproductive as hating someone who is born with a visible handicap. It inconveniences us and hurts us but it has to be lived with. How it is lived with is up to us. Best to you all.
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Silver, thank you for your concern. My husband and i moved to Florida 24 years ago, our girls were 3 year old twins and a 5 year old. Mom never forgave me. Husband had lost his job and we had to go. For about ten years mom and dad would drive down to see the girls about twice a year, then we would go up once during the summer. All of a sudden, when they were 13 and 15 and mom was 68, dad 72, both retired, plenty of money, announced she was no longer coming down. It was our "duty" to visit her. So, I told her, well I guess you just won't get to see your granddaughters. I was not going to be manipulated that way and I figured she would cave anyway. Nope. Five years went by and neither one of us visited. The girls didn't care, they had long figured out how selfish these two were. never could please mom and dad. When I did visit alone, after five years of not seeing my parents, Mom was furious that I was staying for two weeks. I got in her way and had to, God forbid, drive her car. She told my brother and her neighbor, I stayed too long. Of course, they told me, triangulation at work here.

One of the first conversations we had was how everything they had (almost 1 million dollars) and their home would go to pay for their nursing home care. And if anything was left my brother and i could have it. That was fine with me, I don't care. Now at the end of the day, dad has died and mom WILL go into a nursing home. And when she hates it, as I am sure she will, I will always remind her that a nursing home is what she always wanted, was smug about, and I wish to honor her wishes. I will not take care of her. She gave my brother her financial POA, put him on her checking account, made him her executor, left me out of everything legal. Tried to put my newphew on the POA as alternate (brother would not do this) and that was in August. Why? Because my dad told her I asked him for money. Now he is dead, i can't talk to him and she will never believe any different.

I never asked for anything from my parents, never had to. This is just her way of keeping secrets. And it is more important to keep me away from her money and lie than to include me in the family. So..........................when time comes to care for her, she is my brother's problem..........don't know how I could do much anyway. The chickens will come home to roost.
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Selfish people like people like us. Because they can use us and feed off us. Those with good hearts often hurt the most. And die the youngest. The selfish often live long lives.
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Madge, all the sugestions given are great, I'm the only caregiver to my mom(88 Yrs old) and am dealing with all your issues. She wants no one to help her but me. I'm just realizing it's always been about what she wants since my father died 34 years ago. My childhood was filled with every kind of abuse imaginable, and I 've always just tried to please my drunken father and oblivious mom. I have spent my entire adult life in therapy and probably always will need that support. Please reach out for any help you can and set boundaries. Today I'm bringing my mom to meet a group of wonderful people who are there to help me.She doesn't want to go but I'm insisting. Finally, I'm doing what's best for me. Look for and reach out for help, it's there. Good luck and best wishes.
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Dunwoody, that is the God's truth. Mom is 82, never sick. Just now had to start taking a beta blocker because her cold empty heart was beating too fast. She never sees a doctor unless she is very ill. My husband says she disproves everything doctors tell you about how to live a long healthy life. She has no friends, no social outlet, her kids can't stand her, she is petty, cheap and will stab you in the back in a heartbeat. But she looks great (was always attractive) and drives to shop almost daily. Buys shoes and clothes she has no where to wear. Wouldn't give a nickel to charity and makes fun of those who do.

So that disproves all the things I have read about living longer. Dad was the same way. They were perfect compliments to each other.
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As a psychotherapist, I encounter this problem constantly. My clients need support to unwind the emotional memories of a lifetime and to sustain themselves in their self-supporting decisions. Even after their parents die, they sometimes feel that they let their parents down. Clarke Oler
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Does a narcissistic husband count? Mine is in his mid-seventies, is 8 years my senior, and was told 3-4 years ago that he's in early dementia. And, indeed, the classic dementia behaviors are increasingly manifesting themselves -- short-term memory loss, lack of impulse control, confusion, aphasia, diminution of mental capacity, etc. Alcohol abuse, of course, does not help matters; and while he's always been a bit of a narcissist, his self-absorption is now far more all-consuming. Dealing with him has become akin to navigating a minefield, because I never know from, one minute to the next, whether I'm in the presence of the love of my life or his evil twin. Considering this and a recent experience involving my niece, who was involuntarily committed to a psychiatric facility some months back, I've become convinced that narcissism is indeed part and parcel of mental illness and mental decline.
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I never considered my father a narcissist because men were so extremely entitled in the generation in which he lived and women so second class I just assumed it was some sort of law of the universe. The lens with which I saw the world gave all power to men and the religious background affirmed they were "lords" of their home. Is that narcissism? How can it be that my life was so colored by "this is the way it is, men have all the power and must be deferred to" was actually narcissism hidden behind male privilege. But in fact, my mother's narcissism had to reinforce my fathers own for that team to work as well as it did at enslaving their children to their endless service. In time I began to see this kind of cannibal quality about my parents in which they ate up the time, attention, the needs, the lives of their children to feed their own self love... I'm sure if I got the list out that describe narcissism I would see my father too.
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Yep freedom, especially in the South, men were the lords and masters. Women were there to serve and cook for them. That is what my parents thought. Therefore, my brother was the Golden Child. In fact part of the problem I had with my dad centered around the women's rights movement of the 70's. he just couldn't stand that women wanted to work and get educations and jobs just like men. He would tell me how it was OK for guys to fool around before marriage but I had better not. And they couldn't pay for me to go to college because I would jsut get married, but my brother they could. So, much bickering was centered around me knowing "my place".

Funny thing, now my brother lives a great life. Only because he married a professional, educated woman, who inherited a good deal of money. She has paid for their home and somewhat rules the roost. And their only son told my mother he would never be able to get married unless his wife made a good income since he does not earn that much.

My dad must be spinning in his grave.
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YES YES YES...andme father...at 83...is still cutting us down...when my sister and brother went to his discharge meeting ..he pointed at both of them..and said i hate you...i was abused the most...he hated me...because i was born 10 months after my parents were married...just total abuse...my entire life...i have tried to bother with him as little as possible...he begs to go home after hospitalization..and then..he curses my mother...and eventually calls the police to report she isn't doing enough for him...as always..i get the call...and my mom..who is childish..asks me for help...i am getting to the point...where i just feel numb..i've had brain surgery..he never visited me or called me in the hospita..when he eventually saw me...he praised the weight i lost..and so on and so on...are any of you familiar with john bradshaw? he writes about the wounded child...he himself was one...i attended a few of his workshops..i am here for any and all....YOU ARE SO NOT ALONE..BIG BIG HUGS...LOTS OF LOVE AND WHITE LIGHTS..AND GOD'S BLESSINGS...marylee
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PLEASE EXCUSE MY TYPOS AND GRAMMATICAL ERRORS ABOVE..AND RAMBLINGS..I CRINGE.. THE BRAIN DAMAGE AND SURVIVAL 2 YRS AGO FROM A HEAD ON....AND YES...I KEEP ON KEEPING ON..:)
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Hi Madge1, I haven't looked very far into whether or not mom is narcissistic. I'm pretty tired and stressed from work and home right now. I have a feeling it might not be helpful for me to open that can of worms right now. I guess canned worms have a pretty long shelf life anyway. I'm sure that can will still be there when I have the energy to pick up that gauntlet. Thanks for bringing up the subject. Writng to you helped me to become more clear on my position. Thank you for your response to me when I brought up the same subject a while back as far as reading materials. Each time I get a response from somebody I feel less afraid to open up about what I'm going through. My prayers are with you. I'll look for future posts with special interest.
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Raising my hand! My Father has a narcissistic personality. It wasn't until my early 20's that I was able to identify that my Father had a problem. With this understanding, I struggled with who my Father was as a person. Hard worker, provided well for his family but was very hypercritical. Nothing anyone did was right ... He knew everything and his way was always better. I never received praise for anything ... Was never told I was a beautiful young lady .... Was never told I was smart and had the potential to do great things. Instead of encouragement, I received criticism. Because of this practice, I turned into a perfectionist. I find myself triple checking my work ... I spend so much time making sure everything is perfect to avoid being criticized for any mistakes. Thank God I had the good sense to not allow the constant criticism to break me. It's pure venom and has no place in my mind nor heart!

You are not alone!
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to freshair 76...i never identified my father as a narcissist until now...and it feels freeing...years ago a psychologist told me...do you know ...your father never loved you..and that too was freeing..what i felt was being validated...but yet i kept on going to help. him....now ...i have stepped back...it's time for me and my family to heal...do i get involved..yes, behind the scenes...i can pray...altho it's taken my months to even get there...and i have to let go of the anger...that my mom....used me...to enable her..to stay...every time i tried to leave..she'd cry..and i'd go home to help her....oh well...i am keeping my eyes upward...and here for all of you....hugs marylee
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madge1, I did a search on amazon dot com of narcissistic fathers and found the following book: The Unavailable Father: Seven Ways Women Can Understand, Heal, and Cope With a Broken Father-Daughter Relationship. A more generically aimed book is Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up"s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Type Parents.

My dad was a hyper-critical, perfectionist and emotionally distant narcissist. As a result instead of being my own best cheerleader, I'm own worst critic. Even as an adult he has brought up things to criticize me about.

My mother taught me to swallow my feelings as a young child and to focus on her for her focus was on her in ways that was very destructive to my having my own identity with healthy boundaries. I could say more but I have written so much about her at such length and dealt with it in therapy that I prefer writing the short version.
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Thanks marylee58. This subject seems so complex. I seem to be able to relate to a portion of everyone's story. I'm still just skimming the surface.
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My mom..I went for therapy at 55 years old...best decision I ever made just wished I had not waited so long. My stress became worse when I became my mom's caregiver...why did I have to take care of her when she didn't take care of me... Well, she didn't, but I did..I am not sorry and it has been hard I have cried alot of tears...stomped my feet in anger. It was the job God gave me. Best wishes to you
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thanks cmagnum for listing some helpful books. i've also attended john bradshaw workshops; all about the wounded child. i hope you all feel some peace today!! hugs marylee
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