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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Some people are very afraid of going to a nursing home to visit their parent. They only see the damaged people, hear the ones that are hollering out, and they just can’t do it. They want to remember their parent as they were when young and healthy. If they already know she is there, they are probably avoiding going. Of course you are upset, I see nothing wrong with telling them you love her and think they should visit her. Then I agree with “Let it go”. Just focus on your wife. Hugs, families are complicated.
Daughterof1930 said almost exactly what I was going to say - of course you have a reason to be upset but it really won't get you anywhere. Family dynamics are all different and family conflicts can be full of hidden minefields, this is something best left to your spouse to sort out.
Yes, I would be upset. But I guess another question is “Is your wife upset?” If she’s aware that they don’t visit, and it upsets her or makes her sad, I would be inclined to pursue it vigorously. If she doesn’t know or doesn’t care, then maybe this is something you’ll just have to deal with knowing it’s their loss. Either way, have you told them you’d like them to visit?
Visiting can be hard, particularly when nursing homes are depressing, when conversation runs out after five minutes but the trip takes three hours, LO doesn’t seem all that pleased to see you, may be tied up doing something else, or at worst may not even recognise you. A couple of comments, for and against pushing.
One ‘for’ suggestion would be to ask sons to send her cards in the post every couple of weeks. I found that they were a big success for a LO who was a long way away, as they were ‘an event’ to receive and the staff often used them as conversation starters. Are there daughters in law? Wrongly or rightly, they might be a better bet to ask for this. You could even try sending them a stock of cards to use – a fairly solid hint!
Against is that if relations with sons are not good, they can always get worse. You can end up on bad terms with them, and the situation can stress your wife out if she understands that something is going wrong. You may be better off letting the whole thing fade. Sad but true! There may seem ‘no point’ to her sons now, but it may change if there is a crisis. That will be easier if your relationship with them hasn’t deteriorated.
I wwould also ask for pictures of them, their families, etc... With the phones almost everyone carries that is simple and they can send them to you to share...
Of course you are upset! My only advice would be that when people do show up, try very hard to be welcoming and encouraging. Avoid any "It's about time" comments no matter how justified you would be in saying that. Reminding people that what they are doing isn't enough doesn't encourage them to do more.
Absolutely you should be upset. Was their relationship good or strained previously? Sons should visit their mom’s, but all too often it doesn’t turn out that way. It’s good you’re there for her. Please don’t waste precious time and energy resenting the sons, it makes you bitter and doesn’t change them at all. It’s fine to contact them and ask that they visit, then if they don’t you’ve done all you can
I would call each of them and ask that they come and see Mom. Explain that a broken hip in older people can be serious. She would be so glad to see them. If they hm and haw around, then just say you hope they won't regret not seeing her. Then say goodbye. Then let it go.
If she is not asking about them it might be best to let these boys slide. My wife and I visit my parents daily, it’s a half mile away. We run to the store and try to stay out of the way. A year or so we were mad at the 20 or so children, grandchildren, etc who certainly enjoyed the help my parents provided. We sent a photo of my mom after a fall, mom is on blood thinner and it looked so bad my grandchildren would come to her. One of her favorites was so mad at this visual prompting they excluded my wife and I from their wedding. And, I had to explain this to my parents as well. You can’t make punk kids grow up. I hate an ingrate. I pray that peace and comfort will come into your home.
You don't need permission to be upset. You are upset. Of course, they SHOULD have come, but there really is no point in worrying about it because they are obviously not worried about it themselves. Besides there is nothing you can do to change them. People always end up doing what they want to do. In any case, If they did come you would know it was only out of a feeling of duty. Just chalk it up to experience.
Being upset is natural, and justified in your case.
But it can be difficult to visit a really sick parent- I went through that and felt like I was having an out-of-body experience the entire time mom was in hospice before she died.
You don't want to say 'How are you?' because you know how they are- sick and unwell, and may never be well again.
You don't want to seem cheerful- because they aren't. And it seems selfish on your part to be happy when they aren't.
You don't want to talk about your life- because theirs is now confined to a bed or room.. what kind of life is that?
That's when it gets tough, to put aside your own feelings for theirs. To smile when you don't want to, to cry in private because it would upset them. Sending cards is a great idea... short phone calls, too. Just saying 'Mom, I love you' is usually exactly what she wants and needs to hear.
So-- get in touch with those boys and tell them to man up and call their mom and at least send a card. They just may need to be reminded that this isn't about them, it's about her.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If they already know she is there, they are probably avoiding going.
Of course you are upset, I see nothing wrong with telling them you love her and think they should visit her. Then I agree with “Let it go”.
Just focus on your wife.
Hugs, families are complicated.
One ‘for’ suggestion would be to ask sons to send her cards in the post every couple of weeks. I found that they were a big success for a LO who was a long way away, as they were ‘an event’ to receive and the staff often used them as conversation starters. Are there daughters in law? Wrongly or rightly, they might be a better bet to ask for this. You could even try sending them a stock of cards to use – a fairly solid hint!
Against is that if relations with sons are not good, they can always get worse. You can end up on bad terms with them, and the situation can stress your wife out if she understands that something is going wrong. You may be better off letting the whole thing fade. Sad but true! There may seem ‘no point’ to her sons now, but it may change if there is a crisis. That will be easier if your relationship with them hasn’t deteriorated.
My wife and I visit my parents daily, it’s a half mile away. We run to the store and try to stay out of the way.
A year or so we were mad at the 20 or so children, grandchildren, etc who certainly enjoyed the help my parents provided. We sent a photo of my mom after a fall, mom is on blood thinner and it looked so bad my grandchildren would come to her.
One of her favorites was so mad at this visual prompting they excluded my wife and I from their wedding. And, I had to explain this to my parents as well.
You can’t make punk kids grow up.
I hate an ingrate.
I pray that peace and comfort will come into your home.
But it can be difficult to visit a really sick parent- I went through that and felt like I was having an out-of-body experience the entire time mom was in hospice before she died.
You don't want to say 'How are you?' because you know how they are- sick and unwell, and may never be well again.
You don't want to seem cheerful- because they aren't. And it seems selfish on your part to be happy when they aren't.
You don't want to talk about your life- because theirs is now confined to a bed or room.. what kind of life is that?
That's when it gets tough, to put aside your own feelings for theirs. To smile when you don't want to, to cry in private because it would upset them. Sending cards is a great idea... short phone calls, too. Just saying 'Mom, I love you' is usually exactly what she wants and needs to hear.
So-- get in touch with those boys and tell them to man up and call their mom and at least send a card. They just may need to be reminded that this isn't about them, it's about her.
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