My wife & I went on a trip to see our son & family. She kept wanting to go home. Now that we're back home, she keeps asking if this is where we live. Advice?

So it's important to understand how Alzheimer's/dementia works and how it affects Donna's mind.

"As their disease progresses, they may have access only to their first 50 years of life, then 40, then 30, and so on, until they go back to their childhood memories. This is not an orderly reversal – the person may remember more or less on different days and at different times during the day.

This results eventually, in the person with Alzheimer disease thinking they are much younger than they actually are. It is not as though they realize they are, for example, 81, but they can only remember their first 30 years. Instead, it is as though they are the person that they were at age 30. Consequently, they are confused, because they may not recognize their family, since they are looking for the individuals they were sharing their life with at age 30."

They may not remember the home they are living in now because they are looking for the home they were living in when they were at the age they are in their mind NOW.

She needs familiarity, until even IT doesn't feel familiar, as she regresses back in time to an even younger age when she may not recognize you b/c you weren't married at that time.

Read this 33 page booklet which is a free download called Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:

The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience
The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment
Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently

Care Needs
· Recognize that receiving personal care feels intrusive
· Reassure with your tone and manner
· Do one thing at a time
· Talk through the care “play-by- play”
· Be aware of your body language and use it to communicate relaxation and reassurance
· Be sincere
· Use a soft, soothing touch
· Be aware of the individual’s unique triggers
· Be aware that a person with dementia may not accurately judge whether a situation is threatening to them
· They may respond to fear, pain or anxiety by defending themselves with what we call “aggression”
· If they become distressed, stop immediately and allow them time to calm down – don’t try to restart the activity right away
You need to change your behaviour to adapt to the dementia because the person with the disease cannot.

I hope this info helps you as much as it did me. Very eye-opening info.

Also go to the website Alz.org for more information & resources to help you & watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube which are great.

lealonnie1 gave an excellent list of info and resources. You don't say how old your wife is, and your profile says you are a Viet Nam vet dealing with PTSD. I realize you are currently learning how to cope with your wife's cognitive issues but you will need to make sure you are also taking care of YOU.

Does anyone have DPoA for your wife? Do you have DPoA assigned for yourself? A trustworthy adult child perhaps? If you haven't already it is strongly recommended that you consult with an elder law/estate planning attorney and/or a Medicaid Planner so that you can understand the financial landscape that will be before you both as her illness progresses and she needs more and more help. I think the first consult is often free. Even so, the cost to getting both of your legal ducks in a row is worth the investment. If something happens to you to prevent you from providing or managing her care, then what? This future possibility demands a realistic plan today.

Is your wife asking to go home in the afternoons? This is a common dementia behavior called Sundowning. You can install bright lightbulbs in your home (daylight spectrum) and turn them on before she starts this behavior and turn them off when the sundowning timeframe is passed. When your wife starts asking about going home or where she lives, try distracting her with an activity, even going for a car ride or walk, or changing the topic. You won't be able to "reason" with her that she's home.

Start researching if any local churches or faith communities offer adult day care at their premises. This is a great resource because it gives you a break, gives her more socialization and activity and is far more affordable than a dedicated adult day care facility. Your local area's Agency on Aging is a good resource to call for the many questions and needs you will have.

Take her for all her medical and dental check ups sooner rather than later while she's still cooperative and can articulate her own health issues. For example: has she had her hearing checked? If she needs hearing aids it may be "easier" to get those established now rather than later. Has her vision been checked to see if she needs glasses? Has she been to the dentist? Has she been checked for a UTI? Those are very common in elderly women and often have no other symptom other than change in behavior and confusion. It doesn't always have to do with hygiene but with physiological changes in her body. I wish you peace in your heart on this journey!

I'm surprised at the lack of responses to your post. Hopefully, my comments may help. Home is no longer a physical place, it is a place in time that represented security, happiness, and comfort. You could take her back to her childhood home and she wouldn't recognize it. Trying to orient her that she is home doesn't work either. In fact, she may not even mean she wants to go home. She may be trying to say “I'm anxious”, or “I'm scared”, or merely, “I'm tired”. When she wants to go home, you might try to reminisce, go thru some family pictures, relive the past. You might even try to put off going “home” by saying something like “we'll go in a little while”, or “let me finish what I'm doing first”. You'll have to become familiar with fiblets (therapeutic fibbing) and how to respond to her behavior. Have you read books like “Surviving Alzheimers”? Have you called the Alz Assn or your local Area Agency on Aging? You'll need to enlist all the help you can and the above suggestions are a good start. Having PTSD only complicates your caregiving role as a spouse, so look for outside help..

I think that the first two answers really covered everything that could be guessed from the original post. Perhaps if OP gives more details, there may be more to say.